Deluded it could work

[disorderedsociety]

18 months out I see the ex unblocked me on fb, and I was doing so well until I saw her profile picture. I don't know why I looked, its almost like I self destruct sometimes. She seems really happy.

Even married and with a new child, I still have these fantasies of it somehow working out.

Is it accurate to say that the more you ruminate and delude yourself over a relationship, the more unhealthy that means it was?

[wanttoknowmore]

Healthy- unhealthy are judgemental words... .a better way of understanding this is... .that while it lasted... the relationship was very very intense and therefore the mind has hard time forgetting that powerful experience and craves to re-live that experience. 



But once pwBPD's mind/disease  has painted you black... .she can't make you relive that experience again (even if she wants)  The pwBPD mind has changed now

Yes, in due course of time (months/years) some Nons black paint starts peeling off esp. if pwBPD respected the Non for a long time during relationship and feels that Non still is valuable and can fulfill her needs.

(1)Nastier the break up... less the chance of black paint peeling. (2) Resourcefulness and kindness of Non and a graceful exit increases chances of black paint peeling and turning white.

[SoMadSoSad]

Yea my ex is making it work with my replacement. And we didn't have an amicable separation so I will never be painted white again. Sucks to know she is doing better without me and I'll never even get to talk to her again. Funny how I could be the center of her world one minute then the next she rides off into the sunset with someone else never looking back

[disorderedsociety]

Healthy- unhealthy are judgemental words... .a better way of understanding this is... .that while it lasted... the relationship was very very intense and therefore the mind has hard time forgetting that powerful experience and craves to re-live that experience. 



But once pwBPD's mind/disease  has painted you black... .she can't make you relive that experience again (even if she wants)  The pwBPD mind has changed now

Yes, in due course of time (months/years) some Nons black paint starts peeling off esp. if pwBPD respected the Non for a long time during relationship and feels that Non still is valuable and can fulfill her needs.

(1)Nastier the break up... less the chance of black paint peeling. (2) Resourcefulness and kindness of Non and a graceful exit increases chances of black paint peeling and turning white.

During the time she was talking to the replacement she claimed they were just friends, citing her/their respect for me. So who knows how true that was. But I did have good enough boundaries that I didn't fall for much of the bs she used sometimes.

Someone tell me its ridiculous... .She has a second child, this one from the replacement and still I think about getting her back from him. I'd be raising 2 non biological children... .Not that I have a problem, I like kids, but it seems like a bad idea right?

[steelwork]

Putting aside the kid issue and the issue of whether it's possible... .do you think you could ever trust her, or would you always be worried she'd leave again?

[disorderedsociety]

Putting aside the kid issue and the issue of whether it's possible... .do you think you could ever trust her, or would you always be worried she'd leave again?

I was the one who left... .But she found a replacement the second I said I didn't want to make it work. Literally sent us both identical messages via text.

This is why I wonder if it was really BPD, even though a counselor diagnosed her and she agreed with the diagnosis... .Because I was the one who left and maybe it was all relatively normal behavior.

As far as trusting her... .With a child's father involved I wouldn't know. I still don't know if she was 100% faithful during the r/s because she always tried to say I must have cheated at a specific time. Maybe projection because she cheated.

[steelwork]

I see.

Well, I guess I was just wondering if worrying about raising another guy's kids was putting the cart before the horse is all. Like, are there bigger problems to solve before that's even an issue? You walked away for a reason.

[Concerns]

Personal  

Personal  

Personal  

I don't normally react this way to a post.

Here goes.

This is ridiculous.

You need to get some self-respect. Seriously.

No cart before the horse, Disordered.

Find ANOTHER horse... .

All this second guessing... .maybe BPD... .maybe not... .

Children with other men... .

This is a horrible idea.

Find another person to be with.

Honestly,based on what you've said here, I'm not sure if starting another relationship may be the best thing for you at the moment.

You feel that since you were the one who left then maybe you were the one who made the bad decision leaving her.

Move on.

[married21years]

you can tlove anyone till you love yourself!

[WoundedBibi]

If a guy at some point in his life, let's say after a divorce or if he has been widowed, gets together with another woman that has children from another man, even 2 from 2 different men, and raises those kids I don't see why that would be an issue.

What I do think are issues (and I'm referring to both this thread and previous threads and posts from you):

- you say you are focusing on you and not her but yet you keep ruminating about the relationship and your ex. You wonder if more ruminating means the relationship was more unhealthy. No. It means you are not in a healthy place yet.

- you still have fantasies of you and her working out although she has been diagnosed with BPD and is now married to your replacement. You really should get to grips with the kind of mental illness BPD is, the impact it has on relationships, the chances of a relationship with a pwBPD working out long term as an adult relationship, and take a long hard look at yourself for having fantasies about breaking up a marriage.

- if she has been diagnosed with BPD that diagnosis doesn't change or become different because you were the one that left. Her diagnosis is about her mental state and behaviour. You leaving says something about how much you could take.

- you talk about your ex as if she is an object "getting her back from him". As if she has no say in this and can be shoved around from his house to yours. She is a person not a cupboard.

- you said yesterday you unblocked her but don't know why. You should look deeper into why you do things. "I dunno" and leaving it at that is not helping you move forward.

- you think the pictures on her FB of her with partner and child are there just for you, and she is gloating. Perhaps she wants to do what everybody wants to do who is on FB? Share her life with her FB friends? The fact you are thinking about her doesn't mean she is thinking about you, posting especially for you.

- you are fantasizing about getting her back but at the same time you have not worked out what your sexual preference is. If you want to have an adult long term relationship it would be the right thing to first work out what your sexual preference is so you can tell whomever you want to be with. That way they have a choice if they want to be with you too and if they are okay with your sexual preference whatever that might be. Honesty and trust are the cornerstones of a relationship. Nothing as damaging as first getting into a relationship and then finding out you can't live with the sexual preference of your partner.

- you have very few people to hang out with so you keep going around in the same circle of people, exes of exes of exes, and then fooling around with a girl you say you are not attracted to that has a boyfriend but their relationship isn't good anyway and it feels like poetic justice because your ex got together with your replacement so quick (as if that girl and her bf have anything to do with that) and this girl was a friend of your ex but then not anymore because someone accused someone of rape... .You need to get some healthier friends...

Keep working on you, your OCD, your magical thinking, changing your social group. Your ex is in the past.

[disorderedsociety]

If a guy at some point in his life, let's say after a divorce or if he has been widowed, gets together with another woman that has children from another man, even 2 from 2 different men, and raises those kids I don't see why that would be an issue.

What I do think are issues (and I'm referring to both this thread and previous threads and posts from you):

- you say you are focusing on you and not her but yet you keep ruminating about the relationship and your ex. You wonder if more ruminating means the relationship was more unhealthy. No. It means you are not in a healthy place yet.

- you still have fantasies of you and her working out although she has been diagnosed with BPD and is now married to your replacement. You really should get to grips with the kind of mental illness BPD is, the impact it has on relationships, the chances of a relationship with a pwBPD working out long term as an adult relationship, and take a long hard look at yourself for having fantasies about breaking up a marriage.

- if she has been diagnosed with BPD that diagnosis doesn't change or become different because you were the one that left. Her diagnosis is about her mental state and behaviour. You leaving says something about how much you could take.

- you talk about your ex as if she is an object "getting her back from him". As if she has no say in this and can be shoved around from his house to yours. She is a person not a cupboard.

- you said yesterday you unblocked her but don't know why. You should look deeper into why you do things. "I dunno" and leaving it at that is not helping you move forward.

- you think the pictures on her FB of her with partner and child are there just for you, and she is gloating. Perhaps she wants to do what everybody wants to do who is on FB? Share her life with her FB friends? The fact you are thinking about her doesn't mean she is thinking about you, posting especially for you.

- you are fantasizing about getting her back but at the same time you have not worked out what your sexual preference is. If you want to have an adult long term relationship it would be the right thing to first work out what your sexual preference is so you can tell whomever you want to be with. That way they have a choice if they want to be with you too and if they are okay with your sexual preference whatever that might be. Honesty and trust are the cornerstones of a relationship. Nothing as damaging as first getting into a relationship and then finding out you can't live with the sexual preference of your partner.

- you have very few people to hang out with so you keep going around in the same circle of people, exes of exes of exes, and then fooling around with a girl you say you are not attracted to that has a boyfriend but their relationship isn't good anyway and it feels like poetic justice because your ex got together with your replacement so quick (as if that girl and her bf have anything to do with that) and this girl was a friend of your ex but then not anymore because someone accused someone of rape... .You need to get some healthier friends...

Keep working on you, your OCD, your magical thinking, changing your social group. Your ex is in the past.

I appreciate your honesty. Absolutely, she deserves to be happy like anyone else. I just am confused as to why it seems to magically work with him and I start the comparing, even though I hardly knew the guy.

I think medication is majorly helpful in this process, I just wish I didn't feel so weak for relying on it.

Probably should put trigger warnings on my posts.

[WoundedBibi]

If a guy at some point in his life, let's say after a divorce or if he has been widowed, gets together with another woman that has children from another man, even 2 from 2 different men, and raises those kids I don't see why that would be an issue.

What I do think are issues (and I'm referring to both this thread and previous threads and posts from you):

- you say you are focusing on you and not her but yet you keep ruminating about the relationship and your ex. You wonder if more ruminating means the relationship was more unhealthy. No. It means you are not in a healthy place yet.

- you still have fantasies of you and her working out although she has been diagnosed with BPD and is now married to your replacement. You really should get to grips with the kind of mental illness BPD is, the impact it has on relationships, the chances of a relationship with a pwBPD working out long term as an adult relationship, and take a long hard look at yourself for having fantasies about breaking up a marriage.

- if she has been diagnosed with BPD that diagnosis doesn't change or become different because you were the one that left. Her diagnosis is about her mental state and behaviour. You leaving says something about how much you could take.

- you talk about your ex as if she is an object "getting her back from him". As if she has no say in this and can be shoved around from his house to yours. She is a person not a cupboard.

- you said yesterday you unblocked her but don't know why. You should look deeper into why you do things. "I dunno" and leaving it at that is not helping you move forward.

- you think the pictures on her FB of her with partner and child are there just for you, and she is gloating. Perhaps she wants to do what everybody wants to do who is on FB? Share her life with her FB friends? The fact you are thinking about her doesn't mean she is thinking about you, posting especially for you.

- you are fantasizing about getting her back but at the same time you have not worked out what your sexual preference is. If you want to have an adult long term relationship it would be the right thing to first work out what your sexual preference is so you can tell whomever you want to be with. That way they have a choice if they want to be with you too and if they are okay with your sexual preference whatever that might be. Honesty and trust are the cornerstones of a relationship. Nothing as damaging as first getting into a relationship and then finding out you can't live with the sexual preference of your partner.

- you have very few people to hang out with so you keep going around in the same circle of people, exes of exes of exes, and then fooling around with a girl you say you are not attracted to that has a boyfriend but their relationship isn't good anyway and it feels like poetic justice because your ex got together with your replacement so quick (as if that girl and her bf have anything to do with that) and this girl was a friend of your ex but then not anymore because someone accused someone of rape... .You need to get some healthier friends...

Keep working on you, your OCD, your magical thinking, changing your social group. Your ex is in the past.

I appreciate your honesty. Absolutely, she deserves to be happy like anyone else. I just am confused as to why it seems to magically work with him and I start the comparing, even though I hardly knew the guy.

You don't know that it is working out with him, that's an assumption. For all you know one of them is at the emergency room every week with a broken bone because they have hit each other. Or they have to buy dinner plates in bulk because they keep throwing them at each other. Or CPS is there every other week because the neighbours complain about their screaming and they have 2 small children in their home. Or they cheat on each other constantly with everybody. You have NO idea what goes on behind closed doors. The fact they are living under one roof doesn't mean they are happy together or that their relationship is a healthy one. But stop focusing on her and them so much.

I think medication is majorly helpful in this process, I just wish I didn't feel so weak for relying on it.

If the medication helps, who cares? Nobody ever says "I have this awful chest infection but I wish I didn't feel so weak for relying on antibiotics" or "I know I have a broken femur but wearing a cast on my leg makes me feel like a whimp". Medication or medical help is just that. If you need it, you need it. Why would you be weak if you need it for a chemical imbalance in your brain and not be weak for a viral imbalance in your body?

Probably should put trigger warnings on my posts.

Why?