Ive finally learned why we're still stuck in the acceptance stage years later

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am currently 2 years out of my past relationship, and I think I finally realized why Im still not over everything, I hope my own self analysis can offer some kind of insight into how others of you may feel, so here it goes?

I finally realized after obsessively searching my own closure that, I have very strong people pleaser traits, If any of you had a healthy upbringing as children you will learn that your parents protected you from any negatively within your environment growing up as they wanted to give you the best upbringing possible.  So why is that a problem? I grew up with what only be described as the nice guy personality, I have too much empathy for the people who didn't have such a healthy upbringing, now this is so important and its literally changed my whole concept of myself as person.

Those who grew up in healthy environments (protected from negatively) we are conditioned to only see the best in others, yes we know if someones bad, but we compensate that thought with something like "Yeah she/he cheated, but do you blame him/her with the upbringing they had"  Now lets look at things from the mind of the Borderline, they cant tryst anyone and because of their upbringing they can only see the bad in others (there is no middle ground)

So now you have a person (Us) who can not understand why we are not being loved, recognized for our positive traits (Caring,loving, trustworthy, etc) and because of this we try harder in order to say "I am a good person, and I will prove it" and this is why we get so stuck and obsessed not with the person but the whole situation, because as children we were protected from bad people, things, and because of this conditioning its incredibly hard to understand why we cant be validated for our good attributes because on the surface we are showing and giving them this very thing.  

We are fighting on a sub conscious level as if to say "what is wrong with me?" and it doesnt matter how much you learn or know about BPD, as this very thought is ingrained in our good guy/ girl personality, so we end up fighting not for the love of the Borderline, but for the validation of proving to them that we ARE good people, but sadly because the BPD only sees the bad in us its an emotionally draining venture that will never be achieved.  

Furthermore, I would like to finish off by saying this emotional incompatibility is the reason why we find it so hard to move forward because we as Empathetic people tend to use logical reasoning in order to solve problems, and with a BPD that very thought system becomes faulty as we end up fighting against BPD and actual logic.  Im still here 2 years out, and I think the reason why is solely because, I have peeked into her life via face book many times and the downgrade in romantic partners is staggering, as well as anti depressants, why do I care, why dont I forget and move on? The answer is because of what I experienced, i no longer see this person as a 25 year old female but as a scared child, those who have seen what goes on behind the mask can probably relate, its as if im waiting for her to hit rock bottom, ready to step in, but now that I have realized what personality traits I have I am going to seriously look at what I wrote above, I hope this helps some of you.


Jammo              

[jammo1989]

I am currently 2 years out of my past relationship, and I think I finally realized why Im still not over everything, I hope my own self analysis can offer some kind of insight into how others of you may feel, so here it goes?

I finally realized after obsessively searching my own closure that, I have very strong people pleaser traits, If any of you had a healthy upbringing as children you will learn that your parents protected you from any negatively within your environment growing up as they wanted to give you the best upbringing possible.  So why is that a problem? I grew up with what only be described as the nice guy personality, I have too much empathy for the people who didn't have such a healthy upbringing, now this is so important and its literally changed my whole concept of myself as person.

Those who grew up in healthy environments (protected from negatively) we are conditioned to only see the best in others, yes we know if someones bad, but we compensate that thought with something like "Yeah she/he cheated, but do you blame him/her with the upbringing they had"  Now lets look at things from the mind of the Borderline, they cant tryst anyone and because of their upbringing they can only see the bad in others (there is no middle ground)

So now you have a person (Us) who can not understand why we are not being loved, recognized for our positive traits (Caring,loving, trustworthy, etc) and because of this we try harder in order to say "I am a good person, and I will prove it" and this is why we get so stuck and obsessed not with the person but the whole situation, because as children we were protected from bad people, things, and because of this conditioning its incredibly hard to understand why we cant be validated for our good attributes because on the surface we are showing and giving them this very thing.  

We are fighting on a sub conscious level as if to say "what is wrong with me?" and it doesnt matter how much you learn or know about BPD, as this very thought is ingrained in our good guy/ girl personality, so we end up fighting not for the love of the Borderline, but for the validation of proving to them that we ARE good people, but sadly because the BPD only sees the bad in us its an emotionally draining venture that will never be achieved.  

Furthermore, I would like to finish off by saying this emotional incompatibility is the reason why we find it so hard to move forward because we as Empathetic people tend to use logical reasoning in order to solve problems, and with a BPD that very thought system becomes faulty as we end up fighting against BPD and actual logic.  Im still here 2 years out, and I think the reason why is solely because, I have peeked into her life via face book many times and the downgrade in romantic partners is staggering, as well as anti depressants, why do I care, why dont I forget and move on? The answer is because of what I experienced, i no longer see this person as a 25 year old female but as a scared child, those who have seen what goes on behind the mask can probably relate, its as if im waiting for her to hit rock bottom, ready to step in, but now that I have realized what personality traits I have I am going to seriously look at what I wrote above, I hope this helps some of you.


Jammo              

[sweet tooth]

What you're talking about isn't being "nice." It's co-dependency. Your parents shielded you from everything negative. That isn't good, even though their intentions were noble. You never felt any negativity in your childhood. Now you can't handle it as an adult.

I'm sure if you look back on your life objectively, it probably wasn't the bed of roses you describe. On paper, my upbringing was a Norman Rockwall painting: White, middle class,  American male. Parents married over thirty years. Dad had a good job. Mom stayed home with the kids. We lived in a safe neighborhood. I went to a pretty good school. I, too, was raised to be "nice."

Nobody knows what happened behind closed doors: My dad was a problem drinker. Mom was chronically depressed/anxious and had major boundary issues. My older sister was a bully who either verbally tormented me or acted like I didn't exist.

You're thinking in black and white terms, which is a cognitive distortion (See "Feeling Good" by Doctor David D. Burns). Your reasoning is this: "If I put up boundaries, it's not "nice." Therefore, it must be mean." This is Grade A co-dependency. We let people walk all over us to be "nice."

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel badly. I'm saying it because it's the truth and you need to understand it in order to heal. I'm in the same boat. Everyone calls me, "too nice." What they mean by that is, I'm a co-dependent and let people walk all over me.

I'm challenging you to look at your Family of Origin (FOO) objectively to see where your co-dependency stems from. Mine comes from my sister's narcissistic abuse and my mother's poor boundaries/Parentification.  The situation affected my relationships with women. If you look hard enough you will understand about yourself. I wish you luck. Message me if you need to chat.

[ChangingOfTides]

Well, two things i recognize very much.

A. at a certain point you are not only trying to restore a loving relationship, but also your own self image comes hanging in the balance. After being invalidated, humiliated and pushed away, there is this subconcious reflex that if someone behaves like that, it must be your own fault. A Co-dependant will have the default self-blame instead of blaming others and seeing it all as projections and false assumptions of an unhealty person.

B. The trap i struggeled most with, is the focus on the abandonned child that is inside this grown BPD woman. It really made me accept nearly anything, because whatever abusive behaviour she threw at me, whatever pain she caused me, i excused it cause i still kept seeing her helpless child behind everything she did.

Turns out there was a lonely child inside of me, that wanted to be helped itself. So in a way your own inner child starts projecting its own needs onto the BPD flavoured inner child, however they are very different. eg lonely child has trust to spare, abandonned child doesn't trust anyone, including themselves

[gotbushels]

Interesting post jammo1989.

I'm sorry that your recovery has been somewhat difficult. You're not alone:)

If you decide to explore your FOO as sweet tooth challenged, I hope your journey is restful.

May you find peace in your recovery and more insight.

[Icanteven]

What they mean by that is, I'm a co-dependent and let people walk all over me.

I wouldn't say I'm co-dependent, but I think my ability to look the other way on some major red flags had a lot to do with where I find myself today.  And, further, the fact that I was so malleable for so long, only to finally draw some bright red boundaries around acceptable and unacceptable behavior was what triggered this situation. 

My wife had all the power in every relationship she's ever been in since she was a teenager; she got involved with me and the power dynamics were different than anything she had ever experienced, but that was what she was seeking out when we started dating. Today, she believes that she has no power because she doesn't have total power. 

This almost certainly means she'll revert to behaviors she engaged in before our marriage, behaviors I had written off to a lack of being properly diagnosed and medicated, but that in reality were just part of the personality disorders she suffers from (and part of my willingness to look the other way). Does it help if I suggest that this wasn't the worst thing that could have happened?  In our case, I very well could have come home to find her dead, or in bed with another man, or to find out that I was one of many other men should our relationship have continued.  I'd rather it happen now that be another five or ten years in and have her not only burn my life to the ground but our children be older and us go through a very ugly divorce.