Inheritance and gifts

[Depression = 72% of members]

My Mom has asked me to visit the bank with her today, to accept a piece of jewelry as a gift and to add my name to paperwork.  As it is now my older brother is the only one whose name is on anything and is executor.  I am fine with this because there is only the two of us children, I assume everything will be split evenly and if in the end it is not it is not in my control. The last time my Mom gave me a piece of jewelry, did not go well.  It was a locket that my father had given her when I was born and had my birthday inscribed on it. After a few years she decided that I was not worthy of it and went into my room, in my house and into my jewelry box and took it back saying that I had broken it and didn't deserve it.  It was not broken and being an adult in my 40's I could have taken it to a jeweler and had it fixed but that wasn't really the issue.  So this has my flags up.  At the same time she is lonely and I am free and I feel like I should just visit with her and be honest about how I feel and do me, an not worry about it.  I no longer have any attachments to things and gifts because they are often taken back and a gift of jewelry can't feed your kids unless you sell it and if you sell it then you didn't appreciate it? Its a catch 22. My older brother is currently in a relationship, which makes her feel vulnerable and alone, and I want to be aware if that this is not some kind of ploy to make him jealous and pull him back into the fold.  He doesn't always get it and sometimes will say to me that he is the only one that has to deal with her. He is the good one, most of the time and I am not.  I don't want to overreact. Its just hard because very few people understand how this dynamic can cause so much pain an anxiety.

[dms7]

My Mom has asked me to visit the bank with her today, to accept a piece of jewelry as a gift and to add my name to paperwork.  As it is now my older brother is the only one whose name is on anything and is executor.  I am fine with this because there is only the two of us children, I assume everything will be split evenly and if in the end it is not it is not in my control. The last time my Mom gave me a piece of jewelry, did not go well.  It was a locket that my father had given her when I was born and had my birthday inscribed on it. After a few years she decided that I was not worthy of it and went into my room, in my house and into my jewelry box and took it back saying that I had broken it and didn't deserve it.  It was not broken and being an adult in my 40's I could have taken it to a jeweler and had it fixed but that wasn't really the issue.  So this has my flags up.  At the same time she is lonely and I am free and I feel like I should just visit with her and be honest about how I feel and do me, an not worry about it.  I no longer have any attachments to things and gifts because they are often taken back and a gift of jewelry can't feed your kids unless you sell it and if you sell it then you didn't appreciate it? Its a catch 22. My older brother is currently in a relationship, which makes her feel vulnerable and alone, and I want to be aware if that this is not some kind of ploy to make him jealous and pull him back into the fold.  He doesn't always get it and sometimes will say to me that he is the only one that has to deal with her. He is the good one, most of the time and I am not.  I don't want to overreact. Its just hard because very few people understand how this dynamic can cause so much pain an anxiety.

[MoreGuilt]

Hi dms7 

I understand how the dynamic with a disordered parent can cause a great deal of anxiety.  If your gut is sending up red flags then what is stopping you from listening to your gut?  Is it fear, obligation or guilt?  Is this a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario?  What do *you* want to do?  I used to be concerned of the appearances of overreacting and that didn't help my peace.  I am trying to be good to me now as being good for others wasn't helping anyone. 

[dms7]

Thank you MoreGuilt,

I appreciate what your saying.  Just saying it out loud helps a lot.  Many of the situations are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I feel guilty because I am not working right now and she is alone and she probably just wants me to visit, and even if I do I am later told I don't visit enough.  Usually during that visit . We had taken her out to dinner for Mother's Day and she announced that this was her gift to me, so the place and time and all of that are triggers for flags.  I know that she chooses to sit home all day and her life is her choice and I have to make my choices and be ok with them.  I appreciate what your mean about being good to me.  Thank you

[Notwendy]

Are we related? I could write half a book on my interactions with my mother over my father's belongings after he died, but to get to the point: she didn't want them, but she knew I wanted them. Because of her fear of abandonment, she feared that once I had them, I would not contact her. She had reasons to wonder about that, as I have been her black child. My attachment was to my father, not her, and so owning his possessions was a power position for her. This was a source of drama between us- her telling me to come over now or she will get rid of his things - or offering me something of his if I came over- and when I got there, changing her mind. One really nasty thing she did was ask my kids what they wanted, and if they asked for something- refuse to let them have it. She asked to see what they were attached to so she could also feel secure that they would still have contact with her.

The only solution I could see was for me to let go of any attachment. The financial value of anything my father owned was irrelevant but the sentimental value was huge. It got better over time, as I grieved and also realized that the father I grieved for was not in his possessions. I also did a lot of personal work and co-dependency which helped break up the FOG. I also realized that since the main emotional connection that I had to my parents was through my father, I had choices. Before, if I didn't comply with mom, she would get dad angry at me. But now, all she had was his possessions. I could choose the relationship I have with her.

While people have to make the best choices for them, I chose to maintain contact with her, for me, not based on anything she owns or does. But I have boundaries. But basing my decisions on my own values- helps keep me emotionally centered with her. Not that it is easy all the time but I can work on it.

So, when I was asked to go to the bank with her, I did but I had no expectations. It basically was a show and tell- see what I have session, with no intent to let me have anything. But I stayed calm and out of the drama. I have also made a point to visit her just for the visit, no possessions- many times. She will say " come visit me and look through some things" and I say "Mom, I don't have time to do that, but I would love to take you to lunch".  What this has done is to stop reinforcing the use of possessions, or people to manipulate me. This isn't new behavior. She used to hold my toys hostage when I was a child. Why does she do it? Is she evil? No, she is scared, and fears abandonment. Doing this gives her a sense of safety.

If you look at this as due to a fear of abandonment, I think you can be less reactive to it. I think it also helps to stop reinforcing it. One idea is to agree to the invitation to the bank but ask her to lunch afterwards. Then, the next time, refuse the offer to go to the bank and ask her to lunch instead. Since then, my mother and I  have had many outings together that don't involve anything she has . Once your mom sees that you still contact her, not for the possessions, the connection between them and getting you to visit is less strong.

And while you are looking at the things with her - do not get emotional or reactive. Don't argue, don't feed the drama. "Yes, mom, that is a nice ring, I would love to have it if you wish to give it to me" If she says no, then realize it is her decision, if she gives it to you, be appreciative. Don't go into how this makes you feel with her, that's only going to lead to drama. You don't have to ignore your feelings either. If the bank thing bothers you, then next time just ask her to do something else. She is likely lonely and thinks this is the only way to get you to visit her. She is more likely to respond to actions on your part, not words, so just visit her for the sake of the visit, but plan something you know she would enjoy so the focus isn't on drama.

Do not bring your brother into the mix. Three is a triangle. My mother has done this frequently- played us siblings  against each other. But you are different people- you have different needs. In many families, it is traditional to pass jewelry on from mother to daughter. She can give your brother something else. Let whatever issues he has with her be between the two of them.