I'm feeling sad today...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm feeling sad today. It's not a 'resisting' kind of sadness, the kind of sadness that screams for things to be different. It's more of an accepting kind of sad, though it hurts nevertheless. I've been through 10 recycles but this time, I'm not even sure how long it is since we split up, I've stopped counting which means I've stopped trying to control the outcome. Do I wish I could see him? Kind of, but I also realise that would be pointless and so for the first time ever, I don't feel I am at risk of contacting him. I'm still looking to see if he's contacting me though, Rome wasn't built in a day. He probably will send me a 'friendly' text but yesterday I had a realisation - HE ANNOYS ME! I don't actually like who he is. How can I love someone I don't like? Perhaps it's because I have an image of him in my head that is more a projection of who I want him to be than who he actually is. That image needs to be allowed to die. I think I'm attached to that image though. That person loves me and cares about me and wants the best for me. I don't think that's true of my real BPDxbf, he only ever talks about himself.

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

I'm feeling sad today. It's not a 'resisting' kind of sadness, the kind of sadness that screams for things to be different. It's more of an accepting kind of sad, though it hurts nevertheless. I've been through 10 recycles but this time, I'm not even sure how long it is since we split up, I've stopped counting which means I've stopped trying to control the outcome. Do I wish I could see him? Kind of, but I also realise that would be pointless and so for the first time ever, I don't feel I am at risk of contacting him. I'm still looking to see if he's contacting me though, Rome wasn't built in a day. He probably will send me a 'friendly' text but yesterday I had a realisation - HE ANNOYS ME! I don't actually like who he is. How can I love someone I don't like? Perhaps it's because I have an image of him in my head that is more a projection of who I want him to be than who he actually is. That image needs to be allowed to die. I think I'm attached to that image though. That person loves me and cares about me and wants the best for me. I don't think that's true of my real BPDxbf, he only ever talks about himself.

Love Lifewriter

[married21years]

good luck, sounds like the acceptance of the split and the grief for the loss.

our thoughts are with you stay strong 

[Concerns]

Feeling sad really sucks.  :'( But can be a great teacher.

We, as humans, are very good at ignoring the negatives in a relationship in our search for the positives.

Realizing you don't actually like who a person is can be a wonderful illumination.

Your mind can tell the difference between your expectation of who you want him to be and how he really behaves. I feel this is an awesome step in discernment. We have to work on letting go of our own attachments.

Find someone who ACTUALLY fits your image!

Great work!

[C.Stein]

I'm feeling sad today. It's not a 'resisting' kind of sadness, the kind of sadness that screams for things to be different. It's more of an accepting kind of sad, though it hurts nevertheless.

I get it LW.  I have been feeling quite sad as well, a resignation kind of sadness and yes it still hurts bad.   

[Lifewriter16]

How lovely it is that you are all there. It makes such a difference to not be alone in this. Thanks to you all for posting to let me know you're with me as I feel this sadness.

Love Lifewriter x

     

[Concerns]

You're certainly welcome, LifeWriter. People here have helped in my pain as well. PM is always open as well. 

[rfriesen]

Lifewriter, you've captured perfectly the stage I feel I'm at too. And I relate so much to that realisation that your partner is not a kind loving person, but someone who really annoys you. I really struggle with this -- before my relationship over the past year and a half with my ex, I had always been in intimate relationships where I both loved and liked my girlfriends. The relationship with my ex started off that way, too - in fact, like so many couples described here, we hit it off like I've never experienced. But eventually, as problems and cruelty and lies and manipulation built, I came to feel more and more that my ex wasn't a kind person. I think it crept up on me, because even in the most loving relationships, there are moments when you get upset at something your partner does or says. But in this relationship the pain and anger built and built and eventually I was so hurt and angry at the person my ex had seemed to become, not just at something she might say or do on occasion.

I feel that sad resignation now, knowing that my ex and I lost the love we had. But I'm also trying to hold a balanced picture of her. She's also that person I fell in love with and liked so much. It's just that it's only one side of her personality, and one she can't maintain, or in any case couldn't maintain once things became so complicated and painful in our relationship. The only thing to do is let go, because I don't want to love like that -- you seem some couples who love/hate, and that's their relationship dynamic. I can't live like that -- I need to fundamentally like the person I love.

But it sure is a painful sadness accepting that the person I loved so passionately, so recklessly, is not someone I can ever be safely happy around.

[C.Stein]

Lifewriter, you've captured perfectly the stage I feel I'm at too. And I relate so much to that realisation that your partner is not a kind loving person, but someone who really annoys you. I really struggle with this -- before my relationship over the past year and a half with my ex, I had always been in intimate relationships where I both loved and liked my girlfriends. The relationship with my ex started off that way, too - in fact, like so many couples described here, we hit it off like I've never experienced. But eventually, as problems and cruelty and lies and manipulation built, I came to feel more and more that my ex wasn't a kind person. I think it crept up on me, because even in the most loving relationships, there are moments when you get upset at something your partner does or says. But in this relationship the pain and anger built and built and eventually I was so hurt and angry at the person my ex had seemed to become, not just at something she might say or do on occasion.

Mine was very much the same with the exception she is generally a kind, loving and affectionate person when her "dark side" wasn't being expressed.  When it was being expressed I didn't really like her very much.  There was no persistent overt cruelty with her, no persistent raging or meanness, it was very subtle in the things she said and did at times.  Sadly many times I don't think she even realized just how cruel those things she said or did was.   It was her "dark side" surfacing and her not seeing beyond that immediate feelings of the moment, no thought to the consequences.   The impact on me emotionally was deep and persistent.  Persistent because we were never really able to have an adult conversation about feelings.  The emotional wounds never healed, they just got deeper.

I feel that sad resignation now, knowing that my ex and I lost the love we had. But I'm also trying to hold a balanced picture of her. She's also that person I fell in love with and liked so much. It's just that it's only one side of her personality, and one she can't maintain, or in any case couldn't maintain once things became so complicated and painful in our relationship. The only thing to do is let go, because I don't want to love like that -- you seem some couples who love/hate, and that's their relationship dynamic. I can't live like that -- I need to fundamentally like the person I love.

But it sure is a painful sadness accepting that the person I loved so passionately, so recklessly, is not someone I can ever be safely happy around.

This sad resignation is ... .well sad.  I do like and love my ex ... .except when the "dark side" (borderline) is being expressed.  I think one of the hardest things for me work through is finding a way to accept we couldn't have made it work, that she couldn't find a way to control the borderline aspects of her personality.  I look at what we did have together and see so much potential, but then I remember how lying underneath it all was this persistent fear and anxiety.  This is not the way I want to live ... .these are not  the feelings that a secure, healthy, loving relationship produces.  

These borderline aspects of her personality will always prevent her from having a healthy relationship.  She might think she can hide this from herself and others, but the borderline is always there subtly impacting her thought and decision making process.  Eventually it always surfaces and destroys those closest to her.   This is what happened with us and probably with all her other relationships.  This is what I have to accept ... .a sad resignation ... .she cannot control the "dark side" no matter how much I want to believe she can.  

[ChangingOfTides]

sad indeed... .

what i notice is that during the many recycles the past months i was wishing that magically this nice, kind, loving and beautiful person i knew initially was somehow gonna show up again.

I kept this image as the truth and pretty much ignored all the coldhearted and b___y stuff, just to keep going.

But somewhere down the line you break, as it is costing you so much to just keep on believing while reality has such dramatic proof to the countrary. And slowly it hit me that its mostly become a person i dont like, that i can't be with, that just doesn't make me feel good anymore. and what i want back isnt even showing up in this person anymore, except for some breef flashes of false hope... .

And thats when you surrender and accept that you are basically chasing a ghost, a distant memory, and that all the energy you put in it is totally wasted... .