Learning that NC is the way to go

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am trying to lay down boundaries with my BP mom. As I stated in my intro post, I never really have, and a few weeks ago, my sister and I had enough. So, I figured I could go with limited contact. I was very wrong. Every time I answer one text (even if it is only a few words of an answer), she thinks that she can call me. This is also after I have asked her repeatedly to give me space because all she wants to do is put me in the middle and bash my sister. She has yet to give me more than a couple days of peace.

The other day, my mom texted me asking me to call her, then called my house phone, THEN called my cell and finally left a message. The message was sickening sweet, and saying this fight between my sister and her has gone on long enough (um no it hasn't), and that she was going to "end this" (I'm assuming it's the situation in general) and said that when we (me and her) talk on the phone we won't talk about the situation, her being sick, or anything like that. Yeah right! She always finds a way to sneak it in there because she can't go a whole conversation and not talk about herself. I never called her back.

Then yesterday, she texted me. It started with "I love you." Feeling guilty if I didn't respond, I said I love you back. Then a couple hours later the texting started and it ended up with her being snarky when I told her that in order to resolve anything, she needs to go to therapy and keep going even when it gets hard. She got defensive. AND to top it all off she's so clueless! I am almost 32 weeks pregnant, and she asked how I was feeling in the first part of the texts. I told her I was stressed. And she asked if it was because of her. I told her it was the whole situation (that she caused) that stresses me out. She then tells me that I shouldn't stress about it because it's between her and my sister. HELLO! We just had a conversation about this and i told her that since her diagnosis, a lot of things make sense and it seemed like a lucid moment with her. Now all of a sudden it's all my sister's fault (she's the "bad" daughter).

I realized that NC is the way to go in this situation, but it's hard to do. I wish she would just blow up at me so I would have something more, right now to be mad about. I feel like my being upset isn't concrete enough, as silly as that sounds. And it's hard to cut her off because she's my mom. I guess I have a lot of guilt, but at the same time I know it's the right thing to do. This is all so confusing.

[mantamoo]

I am trying to lay down boundaries with my BP mom. As I stated in my intro post, I never really have, and a few weeks ago, my sister and I had enough. So, I figured I could go with limited contact. I was very wrong. Every time I answer one text (even if it is only a few words of an answer), she thinks that she can call me. This is also after I have asked her repeatedly to give me space because all she wants to do is put me in the middle and bash my sister. She has yet to give me more than a couple days of peace.

The other day, my mom texted me asking me to call her, then called my house phone, THEN called my cell and finally left a message. The message was sickening sweet, and saying this fight between my sister and her has gone on long enough (um no it hasn't), and that she was going to "end this" (I'm assuming it's the situation in general) and said that when we (me and her) talk on the phone we won't talk about the situation, her being sick, or anything like that. Yeah right! She always finds a way to sneak it in there because she can't go a whole conversation and not talk about herself. I never called her back.

Then yesterday, she texted me. It started with "I love you." Feeling guilty if I didn't respond, I said I love you back. Then a couple hours later the texting started and it ended up with her being snarky when I told her that in order to resolve anything, she needs to go to therapy and keep going even when it gets hard. She got defensive. AND to top it all off she's so clueless! I am almost 32 weeks pregnant, and she asked how I was feeling in the first part of the texts. I told her I was stressed. And she asked if it was because of her. I told her it was the whole situation (that she caused) that stresses me out. She then tells me that I shouldn't stress about it because it's between her and my sister. HELLO! We just had a conversation about this and i told her that since her diagnosis, a lot of things make sense and it seemed like a lucid moment with her. Now all of a sudden it's all my sister's fault (she's the "bad" daughter).

I realized that NC is the way to go in this situation, but it's hard to do. I wish she would just blow up at me so I would have something more, right now to be mad about. I feel like my being upset isn't concrete enough, as silly as that sounds. And it's hard to cut her off because she's my mom. I guess I have a lot of guilt, but at the same time I know it's the right thing to do. This is all so confusing.

[Naughty Nibbler]

mantamoo:

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom.  It has to be especially frustrating for you - pregnant, with other children to care for.    I'm on a learning curve myself.  It can seem overwhelming to understand and employ some strategy.  I'm thinking it might take some practice, at least for me

I've been visiting the Learning Center area of the website.  There is a lot of information there.  Some of the Workshop Threads, that deal with your immediate situation might be best.  Perhaps scan over a few and then go back and spend some time on individual ones.  For myself, I'm thinking I need to take some notes and perhaps make some flash cards (perhaps an electronic version in my phone or Ipad).  There are a few links below that you might find helpful.

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries - you might find it helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0


This link is to:  SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0


Link to:  COMMUNICATION: Handling inappropriate phone calls

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137370.0

[mantamoo]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler. I've been trying to go through the threads and I don't think I got to those yet. I will look at them. It's a total learning curve. My husband has been very supportive, and will usually talk me out of responding. He tells me that the only way things will change is if I have boundaries with her. He's right, and I'm trying. I've always been the peacekeeper, friend, therapist to my mom and it's hard to break that old habit.

[Panda39]

Hi Mantamoo,

I've watched similar situations with my SO's daughters and their uBPDmom you're not alone.  The older daughter is very low contact (only through email) and responds when she wants to.  The younger daughter is also low contact (talks with mom more but doesn't see her in person except for brief interactions) has hoped for a long time that mom would get better and be the mom she hoped she'd be, her dad thinks she is starting to grieve the mom she will never have. 

There is a lot of triangulation in their relationship with mom and I see that going on with you, your sister, and mom.  I have found understanding that dynamic helpful and can help you see when things become unhealthy so you can disengage.  Below is some more information that you can check out.

Karpman Triangle

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I also wanted to say that boundaries are key whether it is like my SO's daughter that only communicates via email, or if it's to hang up if you are being verbally abused, or if it is no contact.  It is important that you determine your boundaries, set them and enforce them.  This can be difficult especially when you have grown up with a parent without boundaries.  Naughty Nibbler gave you a great link on the subject and some great topics to check out.

I'm so glad you've found us, keep learning what you can about BPD so you have a good understanding of what your dealing with.  Read what you can, I hit my local library and ordered everything they had on the topic, this site has a board of book reviews that you can check out too and please continue to post your questions and concerns there is a wealth of experience among the members here that you can draw on.

Take Care,

Panda39

[mantamoo]

Thank you Panda39,

       I am very happy I found this site. It helps knowing I'm not alone and on the right track with how to deal with this. I will check out those links. Thank you again.

Mantamoo

[unicorn2014]

Hi. I think no contact is the way to go in your 8th month of pregnancy. Your baby and you need all the attention you can get and it sounds like your mother is a drain. You can always choose to reconnect to her when things have stabilized in your own life. You want to prevent having a difficult birth if at possible which I believe stress puts you at risk for.