Living in filth...common?

[Shell Shocked]

I was wondering if being extremely messy and even filthy is a common trait for BPD.  I thought for a while it was simply a personality thing for my daughter, but the more I read it seems like it is not uncommon?

My daughter is very untidy.  When she reached the teen years I sort of gave up on her keeping her room neat and tidy.  I figured that as long as it was not dirty and there wasn't food - no big deal.  I just shut the door.  We have a rule against bringing food upstairs.  My husband and I do not eat upstairs and none of our younger children bring their food upstairs.  My DD17 (BPD, ODD, and NPD) has been bringing her food upstairs and hasn't eaten with us for probably a year now.  With all the terrible behaviors over the last year, the eating in her room thing is just not a battle I have wanted to fight.  And sadly, our dinners are much more peaceful without her at the table yelling at everyone.  Anyway, she often leaves plates, trash, glasses, etc... in her bedroom.  It is disgusting.  Typically she will bring them down when she wants something from us.  Usually we give several reminders that we are low on dishes, etc... . 

Anyway, bad enough that her room is disgusting but this morning my 5 year old found dirty plates, food, cups, and empty juice boxes hidden in a bench in our upstairs front hallway.  This space is between my DD17's bedroom and the bedroom of 3 of my other little girls.  We use it as a library space with books and the bench is where my 5 year old keeps her little critter doll house characters.  She went to tidy up her toys and found all those disgusting plates and things hidden in the bench.  I am beyond upset, angry, and disgusted.  She asked my husband yesterday if we would turn her phone back on and pay for it if she mows the lawn weekly.  She has also asked me for all kinds of money this week for senior activities.  She sent me an e-mail from school reminding me that she wanted a check for some of the senior week things.  I wrote back and told her that we would have to talk about that since I just found her disgusting pile of dishes hidden among her sisters toys in the front hallway and that I was really upset about it.

I am not sure what my point is in posting this.  I guess I just need to complain.  I cannot even comprehend how a person would want to be surrounded by filth and would think it is OK to hide dirty dishes!  I mean, she is supposed to clean anything she uses but honestly it would have been better if she just dropped them in the sink for me to clean.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

In my DD's case, yes! Same as you mentioned, other than her hiding it.  I too got to the point where I just closed her door and decided if she's ok living in that filth, more power to her. Gross.

[Bpd mother]

This is also true for my daughter . She has always been extremely messy. Her personal hygiene is good but she seems incapable of keeping her house clean.

[Rockieplace]

X

This was a huge problem when my BPDD(now 33) was 17 or so.  Her room was extreme and all of my friends told me that it was her room and I should respect that. 

It was, however, interfering bigtime with her life as she couldn't find any clean underwear or her school books etc.  I felt at the time that it wasn't just healthy teenage mess but didn't have the confidence to follow my instincts.  Anyhow, one day, when I was feeling super calm I decided to broach the subject.  My d was lying on her bed amid the chaos and I asked if she would let me help her to organize her room.  She gave a grudging nod but said only if I didn't nag.  I proceeded to empty the first drawer in which I found dirty and clean underwear together.  I lifted them out, still calm only to find a dinner plate with the remains of Christmas dinner underneath the underwear.  This was in May!  I lost it then.  My d stayed totally calm and said "Mother I really think you should consider counselling!"

She was right of course!  

I've copied this from another thread so I too have experienced this phenomenon.  This was actually one of the first signs of something being wrong. I felt it was too extreme at the time but friends reassured me that it was 'normal'. I now wish I had followed my instincts and taken the problem more seriously. Right now - some 16 years later - it is still a sign that her mental state is deteriorating. 

I feel now in retrospect that, when I had more sway over my d, (she wasn't diagnosed until recently) It may have helped her to establish some limits and boundaries surrounding this issue.

[Shell Shocked]

This is interesting to me and I wonder why.  My daughter also has good personal hygiene for the most part - she has a boyfriend and showers often - but I am not sure about the clothes and under garments.  She doesn't do laundry very often.  She is always complaining of having no clothes, I never buy her anything, she needs underwear etc... .  but she has a big pile of dirty/clean mixed up clothes in her closet that is probably almost as tall as I am.  She really wants me to get her contact lenses but I told her that she can get a job and pay for them herself.  They are expensive and she just doesn't take care of things.  I am happy to get her glasses as she needs them. 

She responded to my e-mail telling her how angry and disgusted I was at finding that mess and that we had rules about food upstairs that she had been ignoring for the past year and now they would be enforced.  She said "OK, that is fair.  I am sleeping over my friend's house because we have a track meet in the morning."  Prom is next week, graduation is the first week of June, and she wants money.  I guess she is going to put on a good front for now until she gets what she wants from me.

[lbjnltx]

Continue to tie privileges to responsibilities... .as closely as possible and daily.

Having preset limits regarding the condition of the room she occupies in your home can help as well.  If you haven't looked at this info about setting limits and boundaries it will only take a minute and can really help give you some ideas on how to do this in a manner that has the best chance of success... .at least sometimes. 

Communicate Boundaries & Limits

lbj

[Lollypop]

Hi there

My BPDs25 has excellent personal hygiene and will not wear dirty clothes. However, he doesn't care what he looks like - or so he says. I've started to understand this trait is linked to not wanting to spend the money and his need to be different, in his eyes he's very special and doesn't need to dress to conventional rules. He has looked like a homeless person, falling apart shoes flip flopping around everywhere.

I've tried a different tactic with his room and have seen improvements. Yesterday I complimented him and explained I could see that he was really trying and using the bin and dirty laundry basket; "can I ask? What's with the big pile at the end of the bed on the floor?"

Bpds: "Oh, that's all clean washing. You know what it's like when I do my washing. I never seem to have the time and I just dump it on my bed. When I get home at night I just dump it down there."

Me: "you find it difficult to put away?"

Bpds: "I'll get round to it".

It's still there.

My Bpds doesn't eat in his room any more, maybe the odd pizza but he brings everything down. Improvements! Maybe down to my complete change in approach as I tidy and "help" showing it only takes a little effort now and then or down to his own maturity.

I've recently been working in my H's office. It's disgusting. I'm seeing and learning things I've never noticed before. I'm ready for the next time my H judges my BPDs's room!