New member, thoughts on my saga

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

I hope you all are doing well or as well as can be expected. I recently within the last month got out of a 19 month relationship with someone who, although undiagnosed, has traits of BPD. I will list some traits and actions, reactions, for you to determine and offer your feedback. Since I'm going through our entire relationship some memories will be more fuzzy to me than others, bare with me. Quick recap of me and her, I'm 31 was 29 when we met, we met on an online dating site. I was getting my masters and also working as a personal trainer. She was 28, lived in a city 30 minutes north, extremely open, pretty, and didn't seem to have her guard up was just a fun loving girl. Also for the first 6-7 months of our relationship I had no idea BPD  even existed. I have since tried to learn about it and will throw in where I saw traits or actions that match with bod symptoms.

After attracting on the site a few texts and phone calls we decided to meet in person. It was almost like a group date for us to meet. She was out with friends for a birthday and I was out with friends as well. We decided to meet at a local bar both of our groups were going to. What happened next was "fairy tale" to me. As soon as we saw each other we broke out in huge smiles and she ran up to hug me. She was beautiful, and seemed so into me right off the bat (red flag?). We immediately went outside with drinks, both of us slightly drunk already, and she sat in my lap while we talked and talked to other friends. A few guys were with her group and one liked her but she wasn't feeling him, she began telling me all the things he had done rude to her and he was right near us. Apparently he took offense because he got into and punched me I in turn fought him and we were thrown out. Two seconds later she's running after me saying she wants to leave with me and even texted her friend after that "she thinks she's in love" with me (red flag?). We return to my friends house where we immediately begin passionate kissing, touching etc. right in the driveway. We then go in and continue although we did not have sex for reasons I'm not sure, she kept changing the reason we didn't have sex that first night, she liked me and wanted to wait, then it was she didn't know me, then it was her period, etc (red flag?).

Over the next few months I learned what the "honeymoon phase" really was as well as all the red flags I ignored and wrote them off as a free spirit, fun, wild girl thing. These months we would go out, dance, have long in depth conversations, have wild amazing sex, she couldn't get enough of me (red flag?). But I also learned some not very good things and saw some at this time as well. They were ignored because I felt great and didn't have much invested. When we went she got pretty drunk, sometimes sloppy, she seemed a bit overly friendly to strangers, she would even drive drunk or stay up late even when she worked in the morning (red flag?). I also learned about her past/present. She was open that her parents never married, dad cheated on mom and wasn't really in her life (red flag?). She also stated she was bisexual, previous pot head, had high number of past sexual partners, was sexually abused and tortured by teenage boyfriend, had a history of cutting, depression, alcoholism, and bulimia (red flag?). I later experienced these all firsthand. I also learned she was only separated not divorced from her husband, had two kids, one from him and one from past relationship, and had a history of turmoil in all her relationships (red flag?).

Still during this time I just thought she was a victim, a beautiful girl who had poor decision making skills but she made the right one with me! We continued our whirlwind but it slowly started stressing me as I become worried about her obvious wild past. The few times she went out without me I was constantly in fear of cheating it didn't happen, until it did. Her moods and depression constantly shifted but I believed it was because of the divorce she was going through, now I know it wasn't. Most days drinking was involved and we would be happy, sexy, fun people together or she would be depressed, withdrawn, or crying (red flag?). Especially holidays, that year we spent thanksgiving just us with her drunk and crying on my shoulder. Then New Years she says she wants to spend it with her soon to be exes sister and friend going no out without me (red flag?). Those were tough but I made excuses for her and they weren't deal breakers. Also by this time she had told me she loved me after one our amazing and usually kinky sex sessions. Her sexuality was deep and she was down for anything. So I guess I loved the sex and pedestal I was on, the way she made me feel had me hooked. (Red flag). She also called and texted a lot of sweet things. She told me about her past relationships, the teenage torturer, the college drug addict and dealer, and the divorcing husband who was a cheater and physically abused her (red flag?). I couldn't understand why they were so bad, of course it wasn't really like that, I now know.

So we made our way through the first 3 months or so like that. Then the first crushing blow came, she went out with her friend instead of spending her free night with me, she didn't even invite me. At 2 am she calls me drunk saying she loves me and misses me but won't let me come pick her up, I hear guy voices in the back ground I am so upset. The next my phone rings it's her saying we shouldn't be together because she had cheated on me. I said okay offered her stuff and she said she would bring me mine. That day she called me 3 times saying how sorry she was, that she didn't want to hang up because she wouldn't never hear from me again etc., she said she didn't really want to break up, even though she said that, because it had to be my decision (red flags?). She came down that night with my stuff we talked, she intentionally dressed sexy and nice to manipulate me (red flag?) and I said I needed time to think. We didn't talk for 4 or so days and I called her and told her we could talk some more.

I agreed that we could stay together but going out by ourselves was over, phones would be open to each other etc. and the cheater was to be blocked deleted and never seen. She agreed and over the next month we had an awkward time. The next night she actually bent over my lap and told me to soank her hard and continuously until she was crying (red flag?). She felt dirty from the chest so she knew I felt gross about having sex so she just performed oral on me for a while (I think she liked feeling disgusting sexually and looked down at) (red flag?). We finally did have sex where she said she loved me a lot during. And the next month or so was okay.

Then around the end of March the second bad thing happened. She began being depressed and withdrawn around me, she even said she didn't want to have sex. This want on for a couple weeks until one night, on the phone I called her out and she said I was right person, wrong time and she broke up on the phone. I was pretty upset. I did go no contact, and started dating an ex for a while. During this time I learned what BPD was and figured her out. I knew she had a history of previous recycles so at that time I was hoping for one. Be careful what you wish for. 6 weeks later she texts saying she misses me etc. we meet, drink, have sex and boom I am back in the honeymoon phase. I was so happy, plus since I knew her BPD traits I thought I knew what to do this time. I acted more aloof, uncaring, volatile basically she was changing and crazy making me into the person she wanted a bad guy just like her father, just like she did with her ex husband (who I don't think was that bad a guy)(red flag?). Over the next six months we had a fairly okay time. There was a lot of fighting and fake break ups but a lot of fun, sex, and family time too. I thought we were making it work.

But more and more things began piling up, she was constantly pushing my buttons. From talking about exes a lot, putting me down, drunken flirting, drinking so much she was blacked out, blaming me for things all the time (red flag?). I had introduced her to some of my friends out drinking one night they hated her, because she was seeking attention to the point of flirting and they knew it bothered me. So around the beginning of December I tried my last resort breaking up because I can't keep doing this. I tried to jolt her into reality but she just agreed. I brought her stuff but she got me drunk and we ended up sleeping together the next day she says a break would be good, I say are we seeing other people she says no then yes, and accuses me of already doing that, I wasn't (red flag?). I say I can't do that and tell her to think about what she wants. We don't talk for 10 days.

I give in when I see her online one night after drinking with my friends call her, go to her house and we end up having sex. We spent the next few days together and they were great. But from that point we had some pseudo relationship where we didn't know or talk about what we were would go from spending time together to not talking at all (red flag). Then came Christmas where I got her a nice locket with her favorite photo of her kids, I gave it to her before Christmas cause I was going home, I saw her after Christmas we get in a fight where she wants to break up saying I'm taking it personally and it's not so bad? (Red flag?). I then say fine we can't be friends on social media so I block her and she gets mad and throws me out even though she had just broken up with me (red flag?). She continually texted me and I her off and on me saying I didn't want this her saying it was the best but if she sees me when I return her stuff her feelings for me would over power her and change her mind? (red flag?). That's what happened too. By the way, she never got me a Christmas present.

Throughout January we once again were off and on seeing and not seeing each other. I got certified as a strength coach and got a new job at a prominent gym during this time. This seemed to suck her in somehow with her congratualting me, texting me sweet stuff, wanting to see me. (Red flag?). So throughout February and March things were decent again good sex, family time with the kids, etc. but during this time her divorce became finalized as well which put her BPDness on again. She tells me she thought I would be happy to hear she was divorced so we could be together finally the right way to her saying how sad she was because of it and she never wanted to marry or have children again? (Red flag?). I want both of those by the way. I still gave leeway because I know divorce is traumatic and overlooked these things. By the time April rolled around it was going bad again. She was drinking everyday, worse than I've ever seen and that's bad. She would just get sloppy drunk at her apartment while I was there or the kids it didn't matter, I think she was even driving me and then while she was intoxicated (red flag!). Everything I was doing was annoying her and she constantly was emasculating me. So finally at this point I became the self fulfilling prophecy she wanted me to be. Instead of doing the right thing and breaking up I began cheating on her. I hate that. I never wanted that. But I wanted to be with her but I also knew at any moment she could end things which happened.

This is how we end. I'm spending Saturday with her and its the day before my birthday. We had gone out the night before where she once again got too drunk, to flirty, and we fought but then had sex it was always this confusing with her with everything! Back to Saturday she has to work early my birthday so she decides to make some drinks for us and watch some movies, I agree. She then gets a text from her ex sister in law who's in a city nearby and probably going out to bars. She says lets drive there and go out. Mind you this is a little awkward for me and plus also my birthday. I would have gone if she asks the right way so I say it's my birthday what if I don't want to go, just to see what she says. Bad idea. She proceeds to say I would go without you, that she's not a good person, that she would rather spend her birthday with her friends than me do I should do the same. That was a coffin nail I grabbed most of my stuff, gave her keys she took them. She looked dead eyed like she didn't even care a bit. I said thanks for a messed up year and a half, I can't believe you are doing this and she calls me a drama queen? (Red flag). So she jumps in her car and takes off and I in mine. The next day, my birthday I get no text or call from her. At this point I have nothing to do but let it go I was so hurt.

It has been nearly a month since that night with no communication. Finally at the behest of the girl I'm seeing I decide to text her about retrieving some clothes, sunglasses, and movies still at her place. I did it very civil. Her response was "I'd rather not. I'm not happy with the way we ended things. Please don't text me again? (Red flag?) I of course am so confused from this, just like everything else she does and says. I texted back "you would rather not give me my things? I'm not happy with the ending either, you were important to me, this shouldn't be the way we end things." I got no response. This was yesterday. I'm trying to understand her behavior and decisions as much as mine and this whole things has been really hard. Please you advice, comments, similar stories would all be very helpful to me. I know we can all heal from these toxic relationships together. Thanks you guys, keep healing!

[JerryRG]

Welcome KarmasReal

Your story is similar to many of us, different actor same play.

PwBPD are "a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma" (borrowed this from Winston Churchill).

An important but maybe futile theme for us who have had the fortune/misfortune of relationships with pwBPD is our confusion and desperation to understand what happened. There are answers but in my case I find the answers never quite satisfy my curiosity.

The why's and how a person with BPD behave only touch the serface of our ability to understand a disturbance in cognitive and emotion of mental illness.

We are on the outside looking in and pwBPD only allow a limited view inside them and they themselves may be more perplexed with their own understanding as to why they do what they do.

I find myself going in circles trying to figure them out, this dizzy search began day one and 4 years later I'm still not sure what happend, what was lies, what was real, it is facinating but consuming.

I met a nice woman who introduced herself to me along with a beautiful smile and in full confidence presented herself as Jesus Christ, then bowed before me. I'm thinking my exgf may be taken as serious as this woman.

Lots of good people here, lots of heartache and good advice and experience. Welcome to reality and I do hope you find peace and a safe place somewhere in your journey into recovery

[Lonely_Astro]

Sorry to hear youre going through this tough time, Kharma.

Whether or not she has BPD (or other disorders) is completely not what's important. What's important is you and how you're going about healing.  You've been through a lot.  Quite a bit of it echoes my story.  My ex (whom I work with along with my replacement- yay me!) is diagnosed BPD, on meds, supposedly in DBT - started mid-Sept 2015, and is very self aware.  She displays narc traits as well as being passive aggressive and an internal rager.  

This will sting a little to hear but: you're better off being out of the r/s with her.  In a few weeks or months, come back to what you've written and you'll see it too.  I went back and read my old posts - I can't believe I let J do a lot of the stuff she did to me, all in the name of love.  That stuff wasn't love, man.  It was my own issues getting in the way. I should've left J long before I did.  In fact, I should've never started a new r/s with her when I did.  But that's another story for another time.

What's important now is you.  Unless the stuff she has is imperative to get back, I'd go buy new stuff.  Your health is worth that.  Trust me.  It's just better, for you.  

Keep healing and keep posting.

[rfriesen]

Karma, welcome and I'm sorry to hear about your pain. As others have said, trying to understand things can make your head spin. Some of the best advice I received, though it took a long time to sink in, is to find ways to stop thinking when your head is spinning -- meditation if that works for you, taking a walk, or even just holding your hand over your chest/heart can have a calming effect. That last one can feel silly at first, but I remember when I was in the first few weeks after the relationship really and finally fell apart ... .man, I didn't care what worked, as long as I felt like I was taking baby steps out of the chaos. I'm not saying it's never good to reflect and try to sort through some of what happened. Just that it can become a bottomless pit of trying to make sense of your ex's motivations and feelings and thoughts and ... .it can drag you down pretty deep.

I can relate to a lot of your story. My relationship was also about a year and a half. My ex was engaged at the time we started, but broke it off a few weeks after we started seeing each other. The sex was unreal. I was living every fantasy I ever had and she was such a happy willing partner. And we had so much fun together. We laughed all the time, seemed to really connect emotionally. Well, long story short, slowly the demands about the future started, the questions about moving in together, the questions about who I talk to, whether she can see my phone, the tears, the anger ... .and always when we got really stuck, we turned to sex. Our salvation. But things got messier and messier in similar ways to what you describe ... .anyway, not the place for my story here. But I can relate. And I know it hurts something awful and is confusing as hell. That cold look and the bitter silence are cutting. It's rough.

As Astro says, you have to focus on yourself and your own health. It can feel sometimes like you're not making any progress, but when I look back on what I was writing just a month ago, and how hard I took it the first few weeks after the break-up ... .well, it's only been a bit over two months and I still struggle at times, but I'm in such a better place now than right after the final break-up.

[Rayban]

Hey Karma welcome to the boards.


Sounds like your ex is holding on to your stuff, so that she could eventually use it in a charm/recycle attempt. In my experience, once they've begun the devaluation phase, things only get worse. In my case, she would still attempt to recycle me, just to confirm that she still had that control over me. When she reeled me in, she would amp every behavior that I hated, just to hurt me more. here is what you could expect.

- Flirting will get worse. Old exe's will be flaunted in front of you with no shame. She'll be more open about her cheating. She'll project this on to you.

- Gaslighting and crazy making  will have her making you believe that you're the bad guy in this. She'll be the helpless victim.

- She'll make you believe that the relationship meant nothing to her, and that you don't measure up.

Eventually she'll try to friendzone you, keep you around for her amusement. She'll throw you crumbs to keep you hooked. The longer you stay the worse you will be feeling about yourself.

Forget your stuff, go no contact and start moving along with your life. I know this extremely difficult to do, but trust me it's for the best.

[KarmasReal]

Thanks for so may great replies and insights. Every one of your stories and every bit of your advice has helped me more since the break up then I can explain. It feels good to talk with people who can actually understand where I'm coming from and what it feels like. I've read these boards often but actually putting my story out there was a huge step for me.

JerryRG - Thanks for your insights and kind words. You're right trying to figure this behavior out is maddening. Every other action or sentence was always a contradiction that left me bewildered. It is in fact so difficult to try to understand a person that doesn't understand themselves. But at the moment it feels like any small realization I can have about why or how or what is happening, gives me a small amount of peace. I hope you're making it through your difficult time as well.

Astro- Thanks for the great reply. I'm sorry you have to work with not only your ex but the replacement as well. I can only imagine how difficult that is. As much as it hurts me to be away from my exBPD I can say the fact that we don't have to see each other at the moment or I don't know what she's doing is somewhat a relief. You're totally right though, as much as I want to say my love for her is what kept me there and coming back through all the difficult times and breakups it really wasn't. It was my own issues which I still struggle to understand. My therapist has told me not even love would keep a person coming back to what I had been through, love is being able to let go and I couldn't. I've been told it's more like an addiction. I was addicted to the "high" of the honeymoon or idealization phase and I kept chasing. I knew that after every bad time or fight or break up or devaluation it would come back for some length of time and that was my "fix". Breaking this addiction is my mission now. You're right my health is what I need to focus on now. Thanks for the support.

Rfriesen- Thanks so much for your insight and great advice. I have thought about meditation here lately as it seems it would be quite helpful, not only for this current situation, but for being at peace with myself in general. You and JerryRG are both on the right track it feels like I'm substituting my exBPD addiction for and addiction to try to figure out what happened and why, and it does keep me down sometimes. From the short summary it sounds like you and I both had a very similar situation and I can say from the truest part of my heart that I'm sorry you went through that. I never expected myself to allow the things I did and settle for the things I did. It was a gut wrenching time, I was mentally, emotionally, and physically sick from it. But yet I stayed in hopes that the she would see reality and figure out everything, I now know she will never see things in a true light. I'm so happy to hear you have gotten much better these past couple months, keep it up.

Rayban- I hope you're doing well. Thanks for the insight. I've wondered a lot if her mysterious, strange message and the fact she wouldn't return my things, even though it would be easy and most normal people do that after a break up, was an attempt to keep control and have a reason to reach out and recycle. She's not the type to give away or destroy things, I know that. And she has a past history of recycles (pretty much every ex has at least one, I have at least 2 or 3). After what she pulled that broke us up this late time I don't see how she thinks we could recycle, it is one of the most heartless things a person could do, but with her projecting, your right, I've probably become the bad guy in that story. How she could make it that way I have no idea though. You're right every recycle we've had the devaluation became worse and worse. I have figured out being with a BPD is a lose/lose situation. If you leave you abandon them and you hurt from the "love" you had for them if you stay they devalue you because they hate themselves so they hate you for caring for them, they want to feel for you but when they do it's too much and you must be pushed as far away as possible. You or me or anyone really can't win with a BPD. This breakup and no contact has been difficult, I go from remembering the horrible things and feelings I had to the amazing times. She haunts my dreams almost every night even though the past month of our relationship I was begging for a break up. But like you say I know with time it will get better. Hope you are doing well and again thanks for everything.

[KarmasReal]

I know it's a long post but if any others have any thoughts or insights or similar things happening please feel free to share. This message board is truly a saving grace and so are you all, through this tough time.

[Herodias]

Does she know about your cheating? I would say since you are so on and off, she is probably involved with someone else (or still married) and holding on to your stuff in case it doesn't work out. It will be a reason to contact you. Do you really need stuff? I wouldn't worry the stuff, so you can tell her when she contacts you to keep it. Mine used to leave stuff at my house all the time... .so I will "think of him". He liked to have my stuff to remember me by and as a reason to call. Don't play the game. It also sounds like you want two different things anyway... .your wanting children and to marry. If it is this maddening, get away now, before you invest any more time in the r/s. You are young and it sounds like you are capable of meeting other people. Learn what you can here and move on... .you can have a better life without all that chaos. Don't be a cheater... .it's not a healthy thing mentally and physically. You will never be happy with someone if you can't be faithful. You can't blame the other person for it either. Just my thoughts here... .having been in both positions in my life, it doesn't feel good either way. I cheated on my first boyfriend in high school. I was too young to be in a controlling relationship like I was... .I always feel bad for it. Particularly now that I have been cheated on. Move on... .sorry for the madness you have encountered. Hope things get better.

[KarmasReal]

Herodias,

I am almost certain she didn't know I was cheating. The name was changed in my phone even though I knew we both went through each other's phones secretively. To answer your first hypothesis no she is definitely still not married. Her husband experienced everything I did only for an extra 3 years and he became done with that, he has been in a two year relationship since separating and is pregnant with her. As far as seeing someone else, I don't think so, we were together almost every day, and I saw who and what transpired on her phone. No red flags. She may have had past people or unknown work people hit her up but it couldn't have been very in depth or I would have known.

I've heard the whole she's keeping my few things to have a reason to contact on her terms. But I don't understand after how black she painted me and how devalued I was, on my birthday and what she said, that she could ever think she could save our relationship? That's got to be obvious even to a BPD.

As far as marriage and children you're right I want that. But it's hard to say that the person who I have connected with the most in the last 10 years doesn't want that. I always get like we belonged together.


I don't know exactly if I'm young or have options, I suppose I do. I've dated many women in the past but she is the one who fit me the best, that's hard. I know I shouldn't have cheated, I've never been like that before. But I wanted to try to protect myself form my BPD. I knew her behavior could have ended us at anytime so I had something to protect myself. If I trusted my BPD partner that would have never happened. Which also goes to show, that you're right, this r/s wasn't healthy or even close to it. I have known that her past relationships also involved cheating because she made them feel as insecure and unworthy as she did me.

I just dream of meeting a woman who excited me as much as my exBPD did, but who is also emotionally mature. I've never met the best of both worlds. Thanks for your insights and advice!

[ateu]

Karmasreal, I am sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I have no direct advice to you, but I just want to say that I completely understand what you’re going through. I am in the same position as you are right now (don’t know if we split for good) and I am confused to say the least.

At the moment I am also going through all the red flags I missed. Your gf said she loved you a bit too fast – so did my boyfriend, we immediatly moved in together and he very quickly wanted to make commitments I wasn’t ready for. I was a bit freaked out he started talking about marriage and kids in the first weeks of living together, but then again I was also in the ”honeymoon phase” that you discribe. Exactly the same! Amazing sex, never felt so loved, lots of fun and he too idolized me.

He also had traumas and abuse in his childhood, a history of self-harming, suicide attempts, VERY HIGH NUMBER of sexual partners…and also bordering on alcoholic.

The temper tantrums that started to erupt really made my head spin. Usually I had no idea what caused them, and that was of course because he could rage because of something totally silly.He also flirts with everything that moves, he says he ”needs the attentions, that I am not giving him enough”. He has been with others, I have read text messages that says to the other girl that he really wants to be with her and not me.

When I confront him he says ”it’s just something stupid he wrote, because he felt I was giving him the cold shoulder”. It’s just about his needs, he needs to fulfill them and see no harm in that. In fact, he accuses me for making him turn to others. I have seen the photos on his phone btw (we had a long distance relationship for the most part). There where pics of topless girls, girls kissing him and whatnot. And btw, he was with his ex when he met me, but convinced me he was never serious with her so it wasn’t like he cheated (yeah right).

Still he says that I am the one he loves (probably saying the same to all of his girls). I have ”broken up” with him many times. The thing is – he doesn’t listen. After we’ve broken up, he just keeps talking like nothing happen and we’re still together. Since we’re long distance now it’s a bit different and I started talk to him too. Because in some way I have not been able to end it for good.

He has told me that he was the one ending all his previous relationships. I suspect this is just because he doesn’t see it as a ”real” break-up, until he says it is. His rules, always. So after last time we broke up, he called me up on skype after a couple of days and basically said he had enough of me, enough of listening to my problems and calling me selfish.

Since then we’ve been in contact but basically just small talk and nothing emotional like before. I am convinced he already has a new girl (he always has, can’t be alone and I’ve seen very suspect messages on his social media profile). But he still tries to keep me in the loop, insinuating we’re still together in someway, or at least will be in the future.

I am now in the process of trying to let go of this toxic relationship for good, but at the same time I miss him, becuase the ”highs” were so ”high”. He’s been so close to me for two years, and I can not understand what happened. Like you I am analyzing his behavoir and his words but it makes no sense to me at all.

At this point, I feel like I don’t know who I’ve been with during all this time. All those other girls he has been talking to…did he say the same thing to them as he did to me? I know I was his ”first lady” during a certain amount of time, but the fact that he always keeps ”substitutes” and ”options” for times when I am not available really hurt me enourmously.

In some ways I just want him to come to his senses and that we can find our way back, even though I realise that this will most likely never happen. I am trying to find the strenght to stay away from him, but it is really hard. I’m just feeling that the longer this continues, the more I am losing my self-respect.

Like you wrote, I am also looking for someone who seems to fit me this good, can be that exciting – but is faithful and don’t have these emotional issues. Unfortunately, I am not sure if such a person exists. That’s why I’ve put up with his crap for this long. Because the good times were worth it until I started to lose myself in the process.

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and let you know that you are not alone! I hope we will both come out stronger from this!

[john83]

Herodias,

I am almost certain she didn't know I was cheating. The name was changed in my phone even though I knew we both went through each other's phones secretively. To answer your first hypothesis no she is definitely still not married. Her husband experienced everything I did only for an extra 3 years and he became done with that, he has been in a two year relationship since separating and is pregnant with her. As far as seeing someone else, I don't think so, we were together almost every day, and I saw who and what transpired on her phone. No red flags. She may have had past people or unknown work people hit her up but it couldn't have been very in depth or I would have known.

I've heard the whole she's keeping my few things to have a reason to contact on her terms. But I don't understand after how black she painted me and how devalued I was, on my birthday and what she said, that she could ever think she could save our relationship? That's got to be obvious even to a BPD.

As far as marriage and children you're right I want that. But it's hard to say that the person who I have connected with the most in the last 10 years doesn't want that. I always get like we belonged together.


I don't know exactly if I'm young or have options, I suppose I do. I've dated many women in the past but she is the one who fit me the best, that's hard. I know I shouldn't have cheated, I've never been like that before. But I wanted to try to protect myself form my BPD. I knew her behavior could have ended us at anytime so I had something to protect myself. If I trusted my BPD partner that would have never happened. Which also goes to show, that you're right, this r/s wasn't healthy or even close to it. I have known that her past relationships also involved cheating because she made them feel as insecure and unworthy as she did me.

I just dream of meeting a woman who excited me as much as my exBPD did, but who is also emotionally mature. I've never met the best of both worlds. Thanks for your insights and advice!

Hi KarmasReal... .

regardless of whether your ex has BPD, traits or not, you need to understand what compelled you to keep revisiting this turmoil, despite knowing in your heart of hearts that it wasn't right for you. I get that the sex was great... .I get that that she made you feel alive, but be honest with yourself... .the price you'd have to pay for this long-term would be too much- constant doubt, paranoia, emotional abuse, lack of trust... .to name but a few. I'd seriously consider taking a step back from your present relationship, because at this moment in time, I doubt you will have the clarity and insight needed to understand why you allowed yourself to be mistreated this way... .your current partner will respect you all the more, whether there's a future there or not.

You say you 'cheated' on your ex to protect yourself; something that you wouldn't ordinarily consider in a truly loving, respectful relationship... .you've been bent out of shape... .she's responsible for her behaviour (though I doubt that she'd ever admit it... .it's usually everybody else's fault!), but more importantly, you're responsible for your well-being, your values and moral code, and I think it's unfair to carry this confusion and doubt into another relationship so soon after splitting up. You may not wish to hear this, but you need to look long and hard into why you were so attracted to a seriously disordered person (despite all the red flags). Until you do so, you're not giving your future self (and partner) the best chance. This is just my opinion.

I feel for you, and can relate to your situation whole-heartedly