An Intoduction

[AnAussieSister]

Hi, as my name suggests I am the sister of a non who is going through a separation from a uBPDh, and we live in Australia.   My sister was married to this man for 20 years, and has three children aged from 9 to 16.  UBPD is what I consider low functioning, and has been very disruptive.  My sister kept much of his reaaly bad behaviour quiet for all these years, although wknew that things were not good for some time.  He finally tipped the scales when he dumped used kitty litter on her after going into a rage, and she knew then that there was no going back from that.  She took a Family Violence intervention order on him and had him removed from the home. 

Since then, he has gone even more "mad" and is doing the full works, projecting, alienation, refuses to tell where he is living, and has had two reported breeches of the order, plus at least one other unreported one.  The order only applies to my sister and the house.  The children still can see him.  However, he will not agree to any formal parenting plan and will try to disrupt by demanding visits whenever it suits him.  He has been VERY difficult, and the harrassment by phone and text got to the point that my sister has reluctantly engorced LC.  He still has access to the kids phones and now harrasses them.  She is now trying to decide how to protect them from that.

Its been a painful journey for my sister, she is a classic caretaker and was very emeshed and stil now after 12 months struggles daily with growing her backbone, at the moment her big sister is her main backbone while hers builds up.  Big sister often gets frustrated by her lack of spine   , and Im having to tread carefully, so that I dont push her too hard, but it is very hard to see an essentially strong person reduced to this and unable to see her way out. 

I have found the message boards here to be an amazing resource, so much wisdom, (and associated pain) is here and Im so grateful for the help Ive had.  I havent been able to persuade my sister of the merits of even looking in here yet, but i live in hope!

[Kwamina]

Hi AnAussieSister

He finally tipped the scales when he dumped used kitty litter on her after going into a rage, and she knew then that there was no going back from that.  She took a Family Violence intervention order on him and had him removed from the home.

It is quite awful that he did this to your sister, but perhaps this unfortunate event was what was 'needed' to help her get out of denial and see him for who and what he really is. Sometimes it takes an extreme event like this to help us face reality. When my uBPD mom and sis both completely lost it 6 years ago at the same time and went into an extreme rage followed by other disturbing behavior (extreme victim mode, dissociation), that was the moment my eyes were truly opened to the extent of their dysfunction. It was an unpleasant and difficult time for me, but it definitely served as a catalyst for me stating to make a change and set firm boundaries with them. This takes time though and I understand why your sister might still find it difficult to stand up for herself and 'have a spine' after living this way for so many years.

I have found the message boards here to be an amazing resource, so much wisdom, (and associated pain) is here and Im so grateful for the help Ive had.  I havent been able to persuade my sister of the merits of even looking in here yet, but i live in hope!

You haven't been able to persuade your sister of checking this place out, but I kind of gather from your post that you have talked to her about BPD. Is this correct? If you have talked to her about this, does she too believe her (ex)husband has BPD?

[AnAussieSister]

It has taken a full 12 months for my sister to accept that he probably has BPD.  She still thinks in terms of "shoudda, wouldda, coudda".  I dont know if you use that expression in the States  .  But, still thinks that if only she had taken another course, things might have been better.  She now lives in some fear, of him going totally berserk, and at this time of year his behaviour has always been at its worst. My family is preparing for some sort of explosion from him in the next month, indications are that he is working himself up into a state.  Some of his actions are probably extinction bursts, and as he has a burst, my sister realises the need for yet another boundary or that she needs to reestablish one.   Its so self defeating of him, sometimes hard for us nons to "get" the thinking.   

My sister just hates making tough decisions  and being tough too, and sometimes I despair of her ever being able to be assertive enough to get her life back on track.  There is so much to do!  She has let her children run riot, and I am a little afraid that the oldest boy has BPD traits.  He has certainly learned some very poor behaviour from his father.  He is seeing a counsellor now, as is my sister and both seem to be helping.

It does help to have a rant on here though.  I get frustrated by the slowness of progress.  Not just with my sister making good life choices, but also the support systems in place for victims of family violence.  It really shouldnt be so complicated and time consuming.  But that is a whole nother rant!

[Kwamina]

She still thinks in terms of "shoudda, wouldda, coudda". I dont know if you use that expression in the States  .  

I'm actually an European parrot but I know the expression

She now lives in some fear, of him going totally berserk, and at this time of year his behaviour has always been at its worst. My family is preparing for some sort of explosion from him in the next month, indications are that he is working himself up into a state.  Some of his actions are probably extinction bursts, and as he has a burst, my sister realises the need for yet another boundary or that she needs to reestablish one.   Its so self defeating of him, sometimes hard for us nons to "get" the thinking.

Do you think there is any particular reason his behavior is always this bad this time of year? Is he currently perhaps dealing with some particular triggers and/or is it perhaps related to something that happened to him in his past around this time of year?

My sister just hates making tough decisions  and being tough too, and sometimes I despair of her ever being able to be assertive enough to get her life back on track.  There is so much to do!  She has let her children run riot, and I am a little afraid that the oldest boy has BPD traits.  He has certainly learned some very poor behaviour from his father.  He is seeing a counsellor now, as is my sister and both seem to be helping.

The positive thing is that she has at least accepted that he probably has BPD and that she is also getting help from a counselor. Having a support network can really help, though you do also express your frustration about the support systems in place for victims of family violence. You also worry about her oldest son, what are the possible BPD traits you witness in him?