Done but Financially Damaged

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Divorced finalized Thursday. Cannot believe how much I have lost financially. He quit his job in May ( boss is out to get me) blew through his severance pay all summer taking trips and having an affair, and liquidated his 401K to pay our bills. Now he gets 1/2 of my 401K to pay the taxes on it. I asked if I could claim 1/2 the taxes on my moms house ( we took a mortgage out with my sister to pay for our kids college, with moms blessing) and he agreed, then when we get to court I look at the revised agreement and he took 1/4 of it ! " oh there was miscommunication with us and our lawyers, this is the reason we are getting divorced, you can't communicate". An hour later I finally gave in because I couldn't stand the sight of him anymore. Gave me a big smile and I wanted to hurl. In addition, there is a big credit card bill he ran up in my name that he didn't pay and there is a lien on my bank account so can't even write checks because they may freeze my money. Total cluster---k. Our house is underwater so can't sell ( I bought this house on my own when I was a single mother, we refinanced and he couldn't pay the mortgage for 1/2 a year), on and on. While he calls telling me how devastated he is by all of it and is hanging on by a thread.

Note to everyone- if your BPD seems to good to be true, he is! This was a man with an incredibly high IQ who worked in finance on Wall Street that I completely trusted. Don't ever leave your finances in someone else's hands without knowing the story. When I would try to ask he would decompensate and become irrational and accuse me of putting added stress on him.

At least I'm getting away with my freedom and a good job that I can hopefully recover this mess. I love him and only hope for the best for him, just wish I was smarter.

Beacher

[Beacher]

Divorced finalized Thursday. Cannot believe how much I have lost financially. He quit his job in May ( boss is out to get me) blew through his severance pay all summer taking trips and having an affair, and liquidated his 401K to pay our bills. Now he gets 1/2 of my 401K to pay the taxes on it. I asked if I could claim 1/2 the taxes on my moms house ( we took a mortgage out with my sister to pay for our kids college, with moms blessing) and he agreed, then when we get to court I look at the revised agreement and he took 1/4 of it ! " oh there was miscommunication with us and our lawyers, this is the reason we are getting divorced, you can't communicate". An hour later I finally gave in because I couldn't stand the sight of him anymore. Gave me a big smile and I wanted to hurl. In addition, there is a big credit card bill he ran up in my name that he didn't pay and there is a lien on my bank account so can't even write checks because they may freeze my money. Total cluster---k. Our house is underwater so can't sell ( I bought this house on my own when I was a single mother, we refinanced and he couldn't pay the mortgage for 1/2 a year), on and on. While he calls telling me how devastated he is by all of it and is hanging on by a thread.

Note to everyone- if your BPD seems to good to be true, he is! This was a man with an incredibly high IQ who worked in finance on Wall Street that I completely trusted. Don't ever leave your finances in someone else's hands without knowing the story. When I would try to ask he would decompensate and become irrational and accuse me of putting added stress on him.

At least I'm getting away with my freedom and a good job that I can hopefully recover this mess. I love him and only hope for the best for him, just wish I was smarter.

Beacher

[Ahoy]

Yep her lawyers contacted mine today. We had agreed on a fair amount but as usual actions speak louder than words.

Get this because I earn substantially more (I work up to 40 hours overtime a week in the middle of nowhere while she lives in a city doing an admin job) I should pay her legal fees because she has no money (she spends it on trips with her replacement)

Talk about kicking us when we are down on the ground. I can't wait for this whole fiasco to be over... .

[Herodias]

I know what you mean... .they seem to be out to destroy us. They don't really feel the consequences, because they don't really care the way we do. They always find someone to fix their problems.  I am so afraid the Judge won't make him pay for the divorce, even though he caused it... .I hope and pray they see this more seriously and realize what he has done to me... .but it's all out of my hands. Congratulations for being out. If I can say that to you... I am looking forward to being divorced from mine finally. Doesn't change my sadness over the loss, but I am disgusted being married to someone who is out to get me financially and hurt me so much after all I did for him in so many ways... .It's like all of that has been forgotten.

[Beacher]

And I love the way they turn it around like they are the ones suffering and we caused it! I hear " I paid the bill on... .I took care of... ." Excuse me that was MY money too! Also the gaslighting- " I never said that, you're crazy,I remember exactly what I said, you're delusional", I just started emailing and texting so I had proof! Yet in the court I tried to show him things that were said and got " I don't need to see any of that". Grrrrrr

[Teereese]

  Beacher

You are a survivor and will overcome the financial aspect.

I am recently divorced. I paid 16k to divorce him. The cost was ridiculous because he had his L file every motion imaginable. High conflict for sure.

I am eseentially broke but I don't feel broken. In the end I would do it again (divorce).

I am working on rebuilding after 20+ years of marriage. I feel like a Pheonix rising from the ashes.

[Fr4nz]

Yep her lawyers contacted mine today. We had agreed on a fair amount but as usual actions speak louder than words.

Get this because I earn substantially more (I work up to 40 hours overtime a week in the middle of nowhere while she lives in a city doing an admin job) I should pay her legal fees because she has no money (she spends it on trips with her replacement)

Talk about kicking us when we are down on the ground. I can't wait for this whole fiasco to be over... .

Kicking us when we are down on the ground... .sadly, this is an extremely recurrent theme... .

[Herodias]

Just wondering if they made your exes pay any of your fees to get divorced if they were the cause? This is what I am trying to figure out... .how much do I divulge in order to get him to have to pay for the divorce that he caused? Is it even possible or is it all about who can afford it.

[Rubies]

Yes, divorces are expensive, BPDs take everything they can get.  They want to play stupid expensive games to keep us engaged. They'd leave us completely destitute if they could. 

You know what?  The freedom is worth it!  A signed dissolution of marriage is a legal document which concludes all business with this person, no further contact is necessary.  Good bye, have a nice life! :D

[Beacher]

You could request they pay for all lawyer fees, not sure if because they caused anything. They will deny it anyway. The problem is you can stay in litigation forever trying to get a fair judgement but you end up running up huge legal fees. Sometimes it's just easier to cut your losses so you can move on. They can get extremely hung up on winning so it's sometimes better to give in a bit just to make them feel like they are doing so. Remember you are not dealing with your everyday person here and if they have a pitbull lawyer, you're doomed.

Thanks for all the well wishes. Looking forward to moving on!

[Ahoy]

You could request they pay for all lawyer fees, not sure if because they caused anything. They will deny it anyway. The problem is you can stay in litigation forever trying to get a fair judgement but you end up running up huge legal fees. Sometimes it's just easier to cut your losses so you can move on. They can get extremely hung up on winning so it's sometimes better to give in a bit just to make them feel like they are doing so. Remember you are not dealing with your everyday person here and if they have a pitbull lawyer, you're doomed.

Thanks for all the well wishes. Looking forward to moving on!

Exactly, OR you could view it as dealing with that angry child who simply may wish to change her terms depending on how she feels (or feels about you) at a particular moment.

Very scary when it's your financial future at stage. Better to give a little more and end things quickly. Then you can also detach faster too!

[Beacher]

I'm just so angry because it was his bright idea to take the mortgage on my moms house and we all trusted him, especially my mom.He was going to completely bail on helping to pay the mortgage until I shamed him into helping with at least 1/4 of it. He took life insurance out on his own mother so will get a payday when she passes, while I get hardly anything when we can finally sell my moms. It's sickening but as we all have said on this post it's better to just move on rather than pay ultra legal fees arguing about it and have our freedom. Hope I win the lottery before I retire!