Not sure if father was just an alcoholic or uBPD

[theoria]

I'll explain the username first, really quickly! "Theoria" is a concept in eastern Christian theology that literally means "vision of God"; it's essentially a stage of enlightenment before one becomes more in union with the divine (theosis). It's a sort of epiphany type experience!

I've started now to question whether or not my father was more than an alcoholic. I initially thought he drank because he saw some really horrible stuff in Vietnam (I thought he drank because of PTSD), but apparently he was an alcoholic and drug abuser before he even went to college. I wonder now if he was self medicating. I highly suspect that his mother had BPD, because she was never, ever satisfied with anything. She also idealized a cousin of mine, to the point of making excuses for her when that cousin started conning money out of my grandfather on a regular basis.

In graduate school, my father drank heavily and did all kinds of drugs. He owned a Harley. My mother says she was attracted to him because of his "bad boy" image; he was also very handsome when he was young, despite that. He married my mother because she told him he was going to get a job near her parents' place if they didn't get married (fear of abandonment?). One of my dad's college best friends described how they met my dad: he was loudly kicking a girlfriend out of his trailer (screaming, yelling, throwing all of her stuff onto the lawn, etc).

My history for my father is as follows:

I have memories as early as two of him threatening to kill or beat me for waking him up

He was always yelling

He kicked in my sister's locked bedroom door for lying to him when she was seven

If he got angry at me for something I said or did, and I tried to hide in my room by locking the door, he would get a handheld drill and take off the doorknob, pull me out from under my bed, out of my room and spank me. Keep in mind, I was a "willful child", but I don't think that excuses a parent so totally violating a child's boundaries

I knew how to mix whiskey sours by the time I was able to reach the upper cabinets

If you tried to watch TV with him, he didn't care what you were watching if he didn't like it

If he wanted to leave a family event or occasion, we left because he became sulky

He used to scream at my mom's parents when they visited

He viewed my maternal grandmother as all evil

He sulked whenever my maternal grandparents visited, or whenever we went to visit them

He idolized his mother

He constantly verbally abused his father

My aunt (my dad's sister) refused to speak to him for most of my childhood because of his verbal abuse towards my grandfather (if you know MBTI, my Aunt pretty much embodies the ESTJ stereotype of someone who doesn't tolerate bullcrap from anyone)

According to the same aunt, my dad was not a nice or fun sibling

I quit having birthday parties because for my tenth birthday party, he started screaming at my mother

When dad quit drinking when I was 15, he became the ultimate helicopter parent. I was not allowed to fail (it was alternately the school's fault or my fault if I failed, but he did a lot of rescuing to cover up any possibility of me failing), and this exacerbated my OCD.

He got angry at my mother for her hobbies and for her after school tutoring (she was a school teacher)

He taught middle schoolers and would tell them dirty jokes

He got fired from his teaching job for swearing at middle schoolers

He always refused my mother's wishes for household renovations, even though I didn't even want to invite people over because the house looked in such disrepair

When he became physically disabled, he complained that my mom didn't care enough for him

He sulked and was generally miserable in order to get her to quit her tutoring (she caved)

He constantly complained to me that my mother wasn't doing her job of taking care of him

He constantly complained about anything my mother or I would cook for him

He would constantly yell at me to go get a job, even though I'm on disability

Whenever we would go out into public throughout most of my life, he would clown around and joke around. He was very affable and charming in public. People would tell my mom how wonderful of a husband she had; people would tell me and my sister how wonderful of a father we had. I tried talking to a guidance counselor in the sixth grade about how awful my home life was, and she accused me of lying ("Your parents are respected in this community" and told my parents to take me to a psychiatrist. Any of my friends who ever came over to my house as a kid have more recently told me that my father was always very sulky and sullen when they were over. In general, while he seemed occasionally moved by the suffering of others, he was absolutely incapable of cognitive/intellectual empathy. Totally incapable of seeing how his actions affected others.

Anyway, I don't know if I'm allowed to post here or not. I do not have BPD, but I do have obsessive compulsive disorder (not to be confused with OCPD) and two traits of borderline (thus not being sure if I'm allowed to post here). My mother, her sister and my grandfather all have/had OCD. I'm pretty sure that I have the fear of abandonment trait from borderline because my dad was an alcoholic and therefore an unreliable caregiver, but only twice have I ever scrambled to avoid that abandonment. After that, I learned that it's OK to let people go; sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't, and either way, it's totally okay. My other trait is essentially feeling unworthy of life (suicidality, although it's not something I attempt, but I think about death a lot and one of my major intrusive thoughts is that it would be better for everyone around me if I was dead). I'm so frightened of being totally dysfunctional and horrible of a human being (it's one of my obsessions in my OCD), that I've had multiple rounds of psychological testing done at my insistence.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Sorry for the poorly formatted list, as well -- I'm a bit confused as to how to get the list function work. I'm just wondering if anyone thinks my dad's issues were just substance abuse related, or if it's possible he had BPD and/or NPD. I definitely think that in his eyes, everyone was either "all good" or "all bad", and I know that a lot of male borderlines have really bad substance abuse issues.

[Kwamina]

Hi Vision

Anyway, I don't know if I'm allowed to post here or not. I do not have BPD, but I do have obsessive compulsive disorder (not to be confused with OCPD) and two traits of borderline (thus not being sure if I'm allowed to post here). My mother, her sister and my grandfather all have/had OCD. I'm pretty sure that I have the fear of abandonment trait from borderline because my dad was an alcoholic and therefore an unreliable caregiver, but only twice have I ever scrambled to avoid that abandonment. After that, I learned that it's OK to let people go; sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't, and either way, it's totally okay. My other trait is essentially feeling unworthy of life (suicidality, although it's not something I attempt, but I think about death a lot and one of my major intrusive thoughts is that it would be better for everyone around me if I was dead). I'm so frightened of being totally dysfunctional and horrible of a human being (it's one of my obsessions in my OCD), that I've had multiple rounds of psychological testing done at my insistence.

bpdfamily actually isn't a site for people with BPD, but for people who have someone with BPD in their life. Based on how you describe your father, you are definitely allowed here! We cannot diagnose people here, but based on your post it does become clear he had serious issues.

Your did quit drinking when you were 15. You first thought he drank because of PTSD, was he ever diagnosed with any kind of disorder? Did he ever get any help for his issues?

Your father's behavior sounds quite disturbing and very difficult for a child to deal with. I notice you only talk about him in the past tense, is your dad still alive?

My other trait is essentially feeling unworthy of life (suicidality, although it's not something I attempt, but I think about death a lot and one of my major intrusive thoughts is that it would be better for everyone around me if I was dead). I'm so frightened of being totally dysfunctional and horrible of a human being (it's one of my obsessions in my OCD), that I've had multiple rounds of psychological testing done at my insistence.

You have also been struggling with your own issues. Many children of disordered parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives. Perhaps you can benefit from taking a look at the Survivor's Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this message board. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages.

You have struggled with negative thoughts, even thoughts of suicide. Dealing with these kinds of thoughts isn't easy and I am very sorry you are struggling with this. You mention the psychological testing. Are you currently also getting support, perhaps from a therapist, to help you deal with these negative thoughts?

Welcome to bpdfamily