Tempted to break NC for her birthday

[sweet tooth]

Her birthday is coming up and I'm very tempted to break NC to wish her a happy birthday. Yes, I realize that I'm sick. I feel like I'm in a no win situation:

-If I wish her a happy birthday I could be accused of stalking.

-If I don't wish her a happy birthday, I risk getting raged at, have her looking for attention/validation if she's lonely, and/or being smear campaigned. Her negative online monitoring might become more severe wondering why I'm not preoccupied with her.

She told me not to contact her again in March. Logically, I want to stick to that. Emotionally, I'm in the FOG.

[troisette]

It was my ex's  birthday a few weeks ago. His birthday last year was the last really happy day we spent together so the anniversary of it held lots of bittersweet memories.

The day was hard. I didn't send any greetings. The following day I felt lightness, the heavy drag had gone and I was so pleased that I hadn't broken nc.

Just saying... .

[Hadlee]

How could she rage at you if you are NC?  I would respect her wishes and not contact her

[sweet tooth]

How could she rage at you if you are NC?  I would respect her wishes and not contact her

I can picture her coming out of No Contact because of it. 

[Hadlee]

I can picture her coming out of No Contact because of it. 

Could you not take your power back and be the one to control NC?

[sweet tooth]

I can picture her coming out of No Contact because of it. 

Could you not take your power back and be the one to control NC?

I'm an addict. I'm weak. I long for what we had even though it was unhealthy.

[troisette]

Hi sweet tooth

If you contact her she might respond, there might be a recycle, you would probably find yourself back here in a short while feeling worse than you do now.

While you are nc there are going to be lots of significant dates that will bring up difficult emotions. I've been through Christmas, New Year, anniversary of our first meeting and his birthday. They've not been easy but I've felt a sense of moving forward every time, and a sense of empowerment that I did it.

You are only as weak as you let yourself be. 

[bus boy]

I know where your at, I know how you feel. Probably everyone on this board was where you are. If you have any doubts your a good person, like the seeds of doubt my ex planted in me. I thought I was the Devils right hand. Just the fact that you want to wish your ex happy b day, speaks for your character. Don't feed her. Listen to busygall. She is making sense.  You have the power to control NC.

[sweet tooth]

I know where your at, I know how you feel. Probably everyone on this board was where you are. If you have any doubts your a good person, like the seeds of doubt my ex planted in me. I thought I was the Devils right hand. Just the fact that you want to wish your ex happy b day, speaks for your character. Don't feed her. Listen to busygall. She is making sense.  You have the power to control NC.

If I rejected her this would be easy. I was involved with a woman who had BPD behaviors before this one. She publicly humiliated me. She wasn't a good person. I blocked her and never looked back. Even though I worked with her and saw her frequently, and she attempted to get me in trouble on the job, it was much easier to deal with emotionally.

This person discarded me. Yes, her behavior is inconsistent and troublesome, but deep down she is a good person. This has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I was sexually assaulted for a year and a half when I was a kid. THAT was much easier to cut the person off, too, once I realized what was going on.

This? This just is too hard. I feel rejected, like I'm not good enough. I cared about her with my entire heart and soul, more than I ever cared about anybody. Even though it was toxic we clicked. I feel like a piece of my soul is missing.

[once removed]

How could she rage at you if you are NC?  I would respect her wishes and not contact her

I can picture her coming out of No Contact because of it. 

i pictured my ex doing a lot of things, your mind is likely racing at the moment. if it is realistic that you respecting her no contact wish would provoke her to contact you, so be it. cross that bridge if it comes. not respecting her expressed wish because you think she might contact you if you do is not a solid decision point.

as you said, logically you know this, but emotionally youre caught in the FOG. have you had a chance to read about wise mind?

[sweet tooth]

No. What's that?

[Hadlee]

This? This just is too hard. I feel rejected, like I'm not good enough. I cared about her with my entire heart and soul, more than I ever cared about anybody. Even though it was toxic we clicked. I feel like a piece of my soul is missing.

Oh God, I felt the exact same way.  I wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy.  Now... .I just think of my ex as somebody I used to know.  He has no power over me.  I took my power back, broke the addiction and focused on myself.  NC is the key, I swear by it.  And time.

You are worth it, sweet tooth, so go and spoil yourself

[once removed]

No. What's that?

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind 

[bus boy]

That's what they do. They make non's feel rejected. They take the good we have to offer and replace it with poison. Every one on here gave there heart and soul to the BPD/npd that's why we were left feeling empty, worthless, rejected, all the poison they had, passed on to us. It sounds like no matter what you read on these posts, you are going to contact her anyway. That magic moment of her finely seeing you for the kind loving person you are will never come, it never does or it would of by now and you wouldn't be on these boards.

[Hadlee]

That's what they do. They make non's feel rejected. They take the good we have to offer and replace it with poison. Every one on here gave there heart and soul to the BPD/npd that's why we were left feeling empty, worthless, rejected, all the poison they had, passed on to us. It sounds like no matter what you read on these posts, you are going to contact her anyway. That magic moment of her finely seeing you for the kind loving person you are will never come, it never does or it would of by now and you wouldn't be on these boards.

Very true, bus boy

I look back now at the amount of times I went back in search for, what I now realize, validation.  Sometimes I would get it, sometimes I wouldn't.  Most times I felt worse.  My self-esteem took a beating over and over again.  And honestly, I didn't listen to my friends when they advised me not to make contact.  I went ahead in search of the 'fix'. 

But, it was my journey, and I had to learn the hard way.  I try not to regret anything from the past, however I do wish I had of listened to my friends and saved myself months of pain.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Herodias]

I made sure I wished mine happy birthday... .he wished me one early to manipulate me. He never wished me happy birthday on my birthday this year... .what does it all mean? NOTHING> If you were asked not to contact her then don't. You will be raged at for doing it. If you don't and you get raged at... .then remind her she told you not to contact her-end of story.

[sweet tooth]

That's what they do. They make non's feel rejected. They take the good we have to offer and replace it with poison. Every one on here gave there heart and soul to the BPD/npd that's why we were left feeling empty, worthless, rejected, all the poison they had, passed on to us. It sounds like no matter what you read on these posts, you are going to contact her anyway. That magic moment of her finely seeing you for the kind loving person you are will never come, it never does or it would of by now and you wouldn't be on these boards.

No, I'm not. It's just hard to resist the urge to do so.

[sweet tooth]

I made sure I wished mine happy birthday... .he wished me one early to manipulate me. He never wished me happy birthday on my birthday this year... .what does it all mean? NOTHING> If you were asked not to contact her then don't. You will be raged at for doing it. If you don't and you get raged at... .then remind her she told you not to contact her-end of story.

Mine blew me off on my birthday, too. And yes, you're right. All I have to do is say, "You told me not to contact you, so I didn't." In fact, that's the line I can use (or something similar) if she ever gets in contact with me. Thank you.

[Dhand77]

I made sure I wished mine happy birthday... .he wished me one early to manipulate me. He never wished me happy birthday on my birthday this year... .what does it all mean? NOTHING> If you were asked not to contact her then don't. You will be raged at for doing it. If you don't and you get raged at... .then remind her she told you not to contact her-end of story.

Mine blew me off on my birthday, too. And yes, you're right. All I have to do is say, "You told me not to contact you, so I didn't." In fact, that's the line I can use (or something similar) if she ever gets in contact with me. Thank you.

My exBPDgf has a b-day coming up. Sure, I'd like to be nice and even mail her a card, heck, I kinda feel compelled to. But that's not happening. Though manipulation she managed to get me to break NC close to 2 months ago, and when I did, it was to tell her to keep me out of her life and leave me alone. She then threatened me with a restraining order if I contact her again.

Screw her Birthday. Lol.

Take your power back. If she rages. Stay NC. She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it.

[sweet tooth]

How did she manipulate you to break NC? And why did you tell her to stay out of your life?

Mine had s restraining order against her ex-husband. According to her, he was physically and emotionally abusive. It might be true, it might not me. I don't want to be threatened with a restraining order. That's one of the primary reasons why I haven't reached out to her.

[Dhand77]

How did she manipulate you to break NC? And why did you tell her to stay out of your life?

Mine had s restraining order against her ex-husband. According to her, he was physically and emotionally abusive. It might be true, it might not me. I don't want to be threatened with a restraining order. That's one of the primary reasons why I haven't reached out to her.

Her and I work in the same building. So after the breakup, I did what everyone does. I begged and pleaded with her, tried to fix things, told her repeatedly how much I loved her. Ya know, all the things you do when you get discarded.

When it didn't work, I went no contact. So she started stalking me in the building. Showed up on the floor I work on, approached me a few times in the building lobby but I wasn't having it. I remained no contact. During that time, I took a much needed vacation. When I returned, I found out she was trying to friend my co-workers on FB. They all declined her requests, because no one wanted to be put in the middle of our situation. She then painted them all black and became incredibly rude to them.

THAT'S when I broke NC. It's one thing painting ME black, doing it to my co-workers flat out made me mad and by then I learned about BPD. So, I broke NC, told her she needed to apologize to my co-workers for trying to use them as bait, told her our relationship was toxic, asked her to stay away from me and told her I'm am staying NC until i deem otherwise.

Her response? That I was crazy, and if I message her again, she'll get a restraining order. Lol. Kind of ironic, when I was the one asking her to leave my co-workers and I alone.

Sweet Tooth. I know it's tough. I thought my exBPDgf was the one. I thought she was my soulmate. But she wasn't, it was about control for her. Even post break up, she was still trying to control my emotions and feelings. Heck, she's STILL trying by sleeping with guys at our work that I don't get along with. I KNOW it's tough, believe me, the past 4 months have been incredibly hard.

But you really don't want to get involved again. I know I don't. She parades around with her 2nd replacement thinking it's making me jealous. When actually, I feel bad for the guy, he's gonna get put through the wringer because she's only using him. The same way she used me to make her ex husband jealous.

Stay No Contact, Sweet Tooth. Claim the power of No Contact. I know my ex will expect me to reach out when her b-day arrives, because I always made a big deal about her b-day. But this year, she's in for a big surprise.

Stay No Contact, dude. You don't need her for validation.

[sweet tooth]

Ouch. When mine told me not to contact her again I didn't beg. I just gave a brief goodbye message to attempt some closure for myself. I was feeling very emotional at that point and I didn't want to lose my dignity.

[Dhand77]

Ouch. When mine told me not to contact her again I didn't beg. I just gave a brief goodbye message to attempt some closure for myself. I was feeling very emotional at that point and I didn't want to lose my dignity.

It makes me cringe when I think of that guy from 4 months ago. My exBPDgf was The Waif. Very quiet, very internal. Lot's of silent treatment when we argued. I had no idea she was ready to emotionally explode. I initially thought it was something we could work through, but I was already replaced, unbeknownst to me at the time.

Then I discovered what BPD was through my therapist. It's been a revelation ever since. I know it's hard, Sweet Tooth. I wanted her back so badly those first few months. Now I KNOW I'll never get involved with her again. It does get better. Go get a new haircut, get some new clothes, invest yourself in your hobbies. I just went on a date for the first time this weekend and actually had a blast with a cute and funny girl.

Your sadness gives her power. Your hurt gives her power. They are emotional vampires, your hurt and anguish sustains her just as much as your love did. Honestly, I think it sustains them more, because it's wrapped in a blanket of drama. And boy, do they LOVE drama. I realized that when I broke NC, I fed the vampire. I gave her what she wanted. She WANTS you to be sad about her, she WANTS you broken. BPD's become punitive. They want to punish you for not being "perfect". Show her you're beyond her punishment. Show her, that by losing your awesomeness in her life, she's only punishing herself.

[sweet tooth]

Ouch. When mine told me not to contact her again I didn't beg. I just gave a brief goodbye message to attempt some closure for myself. I was feeling very emotional at that point and I didn't want to lose my dignity.

It makes me cringe when I think of that guy from 4 months ago. My exBPDgf was The Waif. Very quiet, very internal. Lot's of silent treatment when we argued. I had no idea she was ready to emotionally explode. I initially thought it was something we could work through, but I was already replaced, unbeknownst to me at the time.

Then I discovered what BPD was through my therapist. It's been a revelation ever since. I know it's hard, Sweet Tooth. I wanted her back so badly those first few months. Now I KNOW I'll never get involved with her again. It does get better. Go get a new haircut, get some new clothes, invest yourself in your hobbies. I just went on a date for the first time this weekend and actually had a blast with a cute and funny girl.

Your sadness gives her power. Your hurt gives her power. They are emotional vampires, your hurt and anguish sustains her just as much as your love did. Honestly, I think it sustains them more, because it's wrapped in a blanket of drama. And boy, do they LOVE drama. I realized that when I broke NC, I fed the vampire. I gave her what she wanted. She WANTS you to be sad about her, she WANTS you broken. BPD's become punitive. They want to punish you for not being "perfect". Show her you're beyond her punishment. Show her, that by losing your awesomeness in her life, she's only punishing herself.

I spoke to my therapist about this today. He said if I contact her tomorrow I'll be continuing the pattern of dysfunction in my family that I'm accustomed to, and that if I continue to be involved with her I'll be with somebody as messed up as my mom for the rest of my life.

[sweet tooth]

This situation has been tragic for me. I still care about her deeply and miss her.

[Fr4nz]

Hey sweet thooth,

I'd say "let the bygones be bygones", as others pointed out.

Moreover, she's the one who initiated NC, so you have no obligations.

Just read what happened to me when NC was broken by accident after 13+ months of NC:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293643.0

As you will read, there are very good chances that she won't respond, or even answer if only to reject you.

Hence, if you plan to break NC you have to consider whether these two possible outcomes can have a bad impact on your emotional well-being. If yes, then it's definitely better to stick with the NC.

Chances are that you're still pretty painted black, and your ex is in the "hater" mode... .

[joeramabeme]

LOL Sweet Tooth, this question comes up frequently and tends to bring out ALOT of feelings in people on this board (I posted the same back in February).

There are lots of pros and cons and in the end you should follow your instincts with the caveat that you first honestly ask yourself what is the motivation.  If it is truly for you to wish her well, then I say go for it.  If it is with an ulterior motive - of any kind - I would use discretion.

You can't make a wrong decision here.  Keep us posted!

[sweet tooth]

LOL Sweet Tooth, this question comes up frequently and tends to bring out ALOT of feelings in people on this board (I posted the same back in February).

There are lots of pros and cons and in the end you should follow your instincts with the caveat that you first honestly ask yourself what is the motivation.  If it is truly for you to wish her well, then I say go for it.  If it is with an ulterior motive - of any kind - I would use discretion.

You can't make a wrong decision here.  Keep us posted!

My ulterior motive, I guess, would be to create a dialogue. I miss her terribly even though it's toxic.

[sweet tooth]

Hey sweet thooth,

I'd say "let the bygones be bygones", as others pointed out.

Moreover, she's the one who initiated NC, so you have no obligations.

Just read what happened to me when NC was broken by accident after 13+ months of NC:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293643.0

As you will read, there are very good chances that she won't respond, or even answer if only to reject you.

Hence, if you plan to break NC you have to consider whether these two possible outcomes can have a bad impact on your emotional well-being. If yes, then it's definitely better to stick with the NC.

Chances are that you're still pretty painted black, and your ex is in the "hater" mode... .

Yes, you're right. I'd open myself up to more pain. More likely than not I would get hurt somehow.

[zeus123]

You should keep seeing your therapist and stop talking/thinking about her. You're foolish to think you'll get over your ex (or get healthy), if you're still engaging with her. Painful longing for your ex is not love. It's merely a distorted definition of it you were forced to accept as a child. If you want a true barometer reading on how confident, secure, and healthy you are, honestly assess the person with whom you are trying to contact.