This was helpful...when it comes to the sex and getting hooked.

[Herodias]

I know some of you say don't believe everything you listen to or read, but this person really explains pwBPD and how they hook you with the sex. It really helped me- Hope it helps some of you too... .

https://youtu.be/4DUj3QHfx7Q

[Dhand77]

Wow. That REALLY hit home for me. The entire thing sounded like it was explaining my relationship. I really was the perfect target for her.

The mysteriousness.

The control.

The going dark.

Feeling like she just wasn't open to me.

How she would encourage "my losing myself to her"

No pun intended, but it truly added a lot of perspective and was a great help. It was never love, it was control.

[Herodias]

Wow. That REALLY hit home for me. The entire thing sounded like it was explaining my relationship. I really was the perfect target for her.

The mysteriousness.

The control.

The going dark.

Feeling like she just wasn't open to me.

How she would encourage "my losing myself to her"

No pun intended, but it truly added a lot of perspective and was a great help. It was never love, it was control.

.  Sad but true... .Been there too. Now we know why they can slip right into another relationship once we don't fall for the crap anymore... .It's not fun to be played with.

[JerryRG]

Excuse me but isn't using sex without love and only used for control typically the explanation used for men who rape? I've heard this but again I'm not a psychologist.

Of coarse our mates didn't force us but the principle is similar isn't it?

Just a thought and thanks BH for sharing the video link. I've listened to a portion and yes it's exactly accurate for my relationship with my BPDxgf.

[once removed]

blue,

the suggestion isnt just to not believe everything you listen to or read. its that the internet is fraught with urban legends about a very complex disorder, and facts matter. anything you hear that you happen to agree with or makes you feel better isnt necessarily healthy for you let alone accurate. you heard from this source that one in three women has borderline personality disorder. never mind that borderline personality disorder effects 2-5% of the population, i assume youve known plenty of women. does that statistic - one in three women with a severe mental illness - sound reliable to you?

can you determine someone has a personality disorder from having sex with them? is "wild and crazy" sex a borderline personality disorder trait?

can a person hook you if youre not a willing participant?

knowing the statistics, how likely is it that this person has been in a relationship with "several borderlines", and if they have, what does that say about them, their own biases and hooks?

what the author unwittingly highlights, that is worth examining, is the importance we place on the sex, and its quite common among the membership here that the answer is "too much". perhaps you can relate. if so, you might find this resource useful:

When the Sex is Too Important

[Fr4nz]

I agree with once removed, that YouTube clip is not too reliable.

[balletomane]

anything you hear that you happen to agree with or makes you feel better isnt necessarily healthy for you let alone accurate.

This is important for me to remember. If I read something that fits with my personal experience the tendency is for me to generalise from it, because the idea of it being a common experience makes me feel better - and sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that 'feeling better' must always indicate progress, when it doesn't. There are all sorts of things that might give you a temporary lift in mood but that don't help in the long run.

My ex and I never had 'wild and crazy' sex. We just had sex. It was nice, but nothing out of this world. He also never used it as a hook, consciously or even unconsciously. That just wasn't him. Towards the end of our involvement, I did feel as though he was treating me as an object to fill a need rather than a person, but this behaviour characterised all areas of our interaction by this point and was not unique to sex. And that only happened to me because I was willing for it to happen, in the hope that deep down he really loved me and that if only I met all his needs he would realise it. It was devastating when I finally had to face up to the reality that this relationship was not good for me and there was nothing I could do to salvage it.

[Herodias]

Ok, I will read the article... I see what your saying. It's just in my case I could relate to what she said.

[once removed]

Ok, I will read the article... I see what your saying. It's just in my case I could relate to what she said.

im not suggesting you dont listen to sources you can relate to, or whatever you want, for that matter. just to learn to separate facts from urban legend (not always easy) take things with a grain of salt, and be careful about the information we share (especially if greater awareness is the goal). what also helps is to discuss how we personally relate to what a given source is telling us.

so how do you relate to what was discussed? how did it play out for you?

ps. this resource has some pretty good tips when it comes to vetting sources, as well as a list of credible sources, and commentary about other sources: Which online resources are reputable and which are not?  

[Narkiss]

Yep. Mine followed this pattern. I was not only married, but I lived hours away. He chased me knowing I was married -- and after I told him I would never leave my husband. He spoke so uninhibitedly about sex so early -- and it made me feel really uncomfortable until I got hooked too. I think with him it is not only about control. He craves intimacy and sex with him was a very emotional experience (for both of us), but the intimacy never lasted and my pleasure was an ego boost for him.

That said, I have a story. I saw my BPD in action. We were at a restaurant. He made a sympathetic comment to the waitress about her workload or schedule or something like that. She didn't really engage with him. The next time she came around, he started flirting with her. He was really good, and she began responding despite herself. (he told me after that he could figure out where peoples' soft points are -- although he used different language). The next time, she came around, he began seducing her again and even harder this time. And it was almost like she was hypnotized and unable to break free. Sparks were flying between them. I just sat and watched, curious. I wasn't jealous. He stopped after that and went back to being polite.

Later on, I figured out what was going on. He is going through a lot of stress and rejection in his life. She didn't engage with him the first time, when he was just being nice. He likely felt rejected, and so he used what probably works best -- sex -- to make her pay attention to him.

And so, of course, I wonder what he does to get to me. And feel kind of sick to my stomach.

[Moselle]

Thanks for posting. This is talk show radio, so there is bound to be some poetic license and intrigue, however I can really relate to what is said. Especially that it was all about control. Mine absolutely controlled me with sex. The sad thing is that... .I let her