How do our exBPD partners see us? Are we ever more than infatuation?

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

Im fairly new to these boards. I recently posted about my failed BPD relationship in the post "new member, thoughts on my saga" if you need some background. I've been having a tough time, like many of you, since my relationship ended. Seems after only one month of not seeing her, I've somehow forgotten every terrible thing she has done, and every miserable feeling I felt. I can only remember the amazing times, and how sometimes we were perfect for each other. Does this phenomenon happen to anyone else? It feels like it makes things all the more difficult.

Anyway I was thinking about BPD relationships and how they view their partners. I know they mirror and attach to the infatuation of us but is that all it is? Do pwBPD look at anything real about the person? I know when I look to meet a significant other I must be attracted physically of course, but also be interested in the person, their intelligence, how well our personalities mesh, our similarities, quirks, even smell, and liking to do the same things together. Do BPD's have standards or maybe a thought process like this as well, when looking for a partner?

I by, no means, have the highest opinion of myself. But at 31, I am a catch, I've been told this by friends, people I've dated etc. And this is mostly just based on physical looks and personality it doesn't even consider the underlying traits and values that I have. So on top of this my exBPD partner and I shared many similarities, strange quirks, the ability to talk about anything for hours. I was basically perfect for her, as her drinking and BPD splitting got worse those things got more and more lost, but they were still there, that doesn't change, only she changed. Many of you may have had long relationships with BPD people and felt as though you were perfect for each other too, I would especially like your feedback.

So basically my questions are do BPD have ideals and standards for people they want to date i.e. Values, looks, interests, connection, etc. or is it anyone they can manipulate? And if you were (in your mind, others mind, even your exBPD's mind) the perfect partner for your exBPD, based on your relationship, what she said about it, even seeing similarities in you and the pwBPD exes, why or how could they so easily leave you? If the chances of finding nothing better or so extremely small, why would they give you up? Especially so easily? Is it they think they can recycle us back whenever they want? That's a dangerous game, and sometimes won't work, so that's a big risk to take. This is a question that confuses me and I can't seem to find an answer in my own mind so I thought I would borrow yours!

[Rayban]

Hey Karma I will respond in RED


Hey guys,

Im fairly new to these boards. I recently posted about my failed BPD relationship in the post "new member, thoughts on my saga" if you need some background. I've been having a tough time, like many of you, since my relationship ended. Seems after only one month of not seeing her, I've somehow forgotten every terrible thing she has done, and every miserable feeling I felt. I can only remember the amazing times, and how sometimes we were perfect for each other. Does this phenomenon happen to anyone else? It feels like it makes things all the more difficult.

In my experience, The BPD will work on making you forget the bad times. In fact In my experience, she worked me to believe that I was some how responsible for things going sour in the relationship. As time went by, she kept on putting me on the defensive, where I constantly had to justify my own actions. I was gaslighted to the point where I was willing to forget the; lying, cheating, verbal abuse, just so that I could relive that initial infatuation. I was given intermittent reinforcement with amazing sex to keep me hooked. No contact, and more importantly keeping a list of all the BS she put you through, and reading it repeatedly, is the way to work this out.




Anyway I was thinking about BPD relationships and how they view their partners. I know they mirror and attach to the infatuation of us but is that all it is? Do pwBPD look at anything real about the person? I know when I look to meet a significant other I must be attracted physically of course, but also be interested in the person, their intelligence, how well our personalities mesh, our similarities, quirks, even smell, and liking to do the same things together. Do BPD's have standards or maybe a thought process like this as well, when looking for a partner?



I think first and foremost, a person with BPD is trying to alleviate loneliness. It's not uncommon for some people with BPD to date well basically anyone. Regardless of age, sex, or ethnicity. It's anyone who can fill a void. They are looking for a caregiver, someone who will be able to take care of their every need. Some might have an ultimate goal in mind, that is someone who might help them out say financially as well as emotionally. Ultimately this person will also be devalued, and it's on to the next for them.   

I by, no means, have the highest opinion of myself. But at 31, I am a catch, I've been told this by friends, people I've dated etc. And this is mostly just based on physical looks and personality it doesn't even consider the underlying traits and values that I have. So on top of this my exBPD partner and I shared many similarities, strange quirks, the ability to talk about anything for hours. I was basically perfect for her, as her drinking and BPD splitting got worse those things got more and more lost, but they were still there, that doesn't change, only she changed. Many of you may have had long relationships with BPD people and felt as though you were perfect for each other too, I would especially like your feedback.



Push/Pull and the fear of intimacy. The closer you get, the harder they push. I think they have the capacity to appreciate these qualities, but their fear of eventual abandonment, will lead to them sabotaging the relationship. I was perfect to my ex too. She talked about marriage, kids, buying a home together, but I was also expected to accept her  as she was. I refused, and that led to devaluation, and her seeking out someone else who will.

So basically my questions are do BPD have ideals and standards for people they want to date i.e. Values, looks, interests, connection, etc. or is it anyone they can manipulate? And if you were (in your mind, others mind, even your exBPD's mind) the perfect partner for your exBPD, based on your relationship, what she said about it, even seeing similarities in you and the pwBPD exes, why or how could they so easily leave you? If the chances of finding nothing better or so extremely small, why would they give you up? Especially so easily? Is it they think they can recycle us back whenever they want? That's a dangerous game, and sometimes won't work, so that's a big risk to take. This is a question that confuses me and I can't seem to find an answer in my own mind so I thought I would borrow yours!

I think it's a never ending cycle of idolization/devaluation. They have defense mechanisms in place, where a partner is devalued so they can idolize a new shiny object, that is so much better then the last one. They are like a greedy child with a new toy. The new one is so much better then the old one, but they'll keep the old one aside, just in case the new one wasn't as great as the old one. Every once in a while they'll pull the old toy back, just to see if they can derive some form of pleasure from it. They might decide eventually that the old toy is rendered useless, and discarded. They will continuously see out new toys to play with.

[SoMadSoSad]

What I get from responses like this is that they never loved us, we were just distractions from their ever ongoing internal pain.

[troisette]

  Your post is interesting and thought provoking KarmasReal.

Hmmm. I've been thinking about my experience, a bit tough actually.

Because I thought we were a perfect match. Background, professions, attitude to life, age, humour. Everything for happy ever after was there. But little by little I realised that the match wasn't quite what it seemed. When I met him he bought the same newspaper as me, then later I realised his usual was a quite different, I thought we liked the same television but then realised we had very different choices, films too, I thought we liked the same people and then realised we didn't, I thought we had the same values but we didn't, and so it went on. His black and white views became more and more apparent and I couldn't understand them.

Gradually I realised - and it was disconcerting - that the man I met was very different from the man I got to know. I guess this was mirroring and it happened in many different ways; very confusing because at the end I doubted so many of the things about him that had attracted me to him at the beginning and I didn't know the person I was dating. I just didn't know who he was, and still don't. I don't know what was authentic and what was mirroring. Apart from design. I know we shared the same views on design. How sad that that is the only thing I know.

Your question about whether BPDs have ideals and standards they want to date is also interesting and has caused me to think about my ex's former partners. And I can't find, from what I know, any commonalities  One was beautiful, a co-dependent. One average looking, an expert manipulator. One a womanchild, not good looking and an attention seeker. I'm wracking my brain because logic tells me there probably were common denominators but I can't find any.

I'm reckoned a catch too - wince. Sorry, but it's what I'm told. One commonality with his ex wife,  I am also co-dependent. I don't really understand why it ended (a lot of us don't - the abandonment/engulfment thing). BUT, when his best friend met me he told him "she's way above you in every way". (Some friend... .). I believe this comment caused contradictory feelings of pride and insecurity. Later, during the only two social occasions spent with my friends, I realised that ex, who appeared confident with his friends, felt out of his depth with mine. He didn't, as far as I know, feel this with any of his previous ex's, so that maybe is a common denominator with them.

He wasn't out of his depth but he felt he was; it was my first indication that he wasn't the confident person he appeared to be. He had a familiar mask locally that served him well, but couldn't maintain it with people out of his comfort zone. He's quiet BPD and high functioning, describes his life as a bubble and I think being with me threatened his bubble because our relationship took him into unfamiliar zones that he couldn't cope with. So he behaved in various destructive ways to undermine me so he could establish a simulacrum of control which equalled comfort for him.

It's a complex question and I could write for pages about it. But essentially, I don't have a definitive answer, only my experience and people with BPD are as different as we are. I guess they go for the person who offers what they need in the here and now. And probably that changes year by year.

I still feel very sad because we had so much fun together: but was it fun - or was he just mirroring me? No answer to that question.

[Dhand77]

Judging by the two replacements, Karma. My ex seems to have no standards. First she hopped to an alcoholic bar singer with no job and then moved on to a guy at our work that has missing teeth and horrendous hygiene. The common thread between the two of them, they are both the kind of guys that would place her in a "one-up" position. I too am considered a "catch" even though I'm skinnier than a rail. Lol.

I met mine through online dating, so I approached and courted her. I've noticed that when she picks the targets, they are of lesser education, unattractive and typically considered "pushovers".

I can't speak for all pwBPD, my ex definitely likes choosing downgrades.

As for "are we seen as objects?" I absolutely think so. My discard coincided with her ex husband's new baby announcement. I was an object to make him jealous for 4 years. After the announcement, it's like she finally realized he moved on, and started painting him white again. The current replacement is being used to make me "jealous", the same way I was used to make him jealous. It's only now, that I'm removed from the situation, that I clearly see the "role" she chose for me to play in her life.

[Rayban]

Judging by the two replacements, Karma. My ex seems to have no standards. First she hopped to an alcoholic bar singer with no job and then moved on to a guy at our work that has missing teeth and horrendous hygiene. The common thread between the two of them, they are both the kind of guys that would place her in a "one-up" position. I too am considered a "catch" even though I'm skinnier than a rail. Lol.

I met mine through online dating, so I approached and courted her. I've noticed that when she picks the targets, they are of lesser education, unattractive and typically considered "pushovers".

I can't speak for all pwBPD, my ex definitely likes choosing downgrades.

As for "are we seen as objects?" I absolutely think so. My discard coincided with her ex husband's new baby announcement. I was an object to make him jealous for 4 years. After the announcement, it's like she finally realized he moved on, and started painting him white again. The current replacement is being used to make me "jealous", the same way I was used to make him jealous. It's only now, that I'm removed from the situation, that I clearly see the "role" she chose for me to play in her life.

@Dehand 77


At the end of my BPD relationship, and in the guise of friendship I was kept along so that she could use me to make my replacement jealous. Just recently I was an idiot enough to keep talking with her after work for over an hour, just so that she could be seen with me as her replacement walked out, after finishing her day. (we all work together) Looking back I could see the replacement feeling uncomfortable, and my ex smirking. She had succeeded in moving her pawns the right way . I was extremely hurt once I realized what she was doing, and my replacement was jealous knowing that we were together before, and seen talking to each other.

Looking back I remember the guy who I believe I replaced looking miserable, every time she would speak to me. He was always an earshot away, and I know now that she was using me to make him jealous and rub salt in his wounds. He was smart, shortly after he found a new job, and I'm pretty sure it was to get away from her. He was a smart guy, and well appreciated at work, there was no reason for him to find a new job, with the exception of getting away from her.   

[KarmasReal]

Hey Rayban, thanks for your great and in depth reply! Mine did the exact same thing during the relationship. Always managing to turn the tables and then give me some positive reinforcement to where I was off guard so much. However this time we have basically been NC for a month and I alone am responsible for forgetting the bad times, even though at the end they were about 85 percent of our relationship.

I know it's common for pwBPD to date almost anyone they believe they can manipulate, but mine truly wasn't like that. She constantly told me she would never be with any person who wasn't attractive and also her two long term guys before me (confident enough to say this) weren't bad looking. However some of her past flings and guys she dated when were broken up were almost laughable to me, it was so confusing and made me somehow feel inadequate even though I knew I wasn't.

I'm right there with you on your 3rd paragraph too. The closer we became and the more good positive time we spent together led to an even greater pull away. 3 weeks before we broke up we talked about moving in together too! I can't rap my head around the idea of they just don't care at all or if they care so much that they have to sabotage?

Maybe because I have some semblance of sanity I don't understand the idealization/devaluation of a BPD. They have long periods of time, and some kind of emotions rapped up in this person yet it's easy to discard and "try out" something new. This saying has always been true to me, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, in fact it's usually not. Do they just want to be miserable and us be miserable too? Mine never seem to have a moment of real happiness ever.

[KarmasReal]

Hey Troisette, thank you for your reply, it was very interesting and thought provoking as well!

I do know what you mean, after the infatuation starts wearing off you do get slowly see more and more differences that weren't there before. In fact we had many differences but, unless I'm a complete fool, we did connect on a strange underlying level, one of which I have never had before. We were, on the outside, a very good looking couple. She was pretty with a nice figure and tan skin, I was tall, dark nice hair, blue eyes, and extremely fit and muscular. We stood out. However we were both weirdos and strange in a good way together. We liked to read, discuss any subject, obsessed with vampires(apparently I look like some twilight character), we just had this vibe. It wasn't mirroring all of this was her before me, I know this.

It's strange your exes, exes (), didn't have many commonalities I wonder if it might be a gender difference with pwBPD. Guys and girls date differently just the way society is oriented at this point I think.

How exactly did your ex react around your friends? Mine was definitely not quiet BPD! The few times she was around my friends, she was outgoing to an extreme, kinda acting like a teenage girl, almost flirty. My friends all hated her because of this, they took her actions as disrespect to me. She said she was just a friendly person which I now know was she acted in a manner that would get her the most attention. She always "said" she thought everyone liked her, but in truth I knew she didn't even like herself.

What they need year to year, I don't think, changes. They want what everybody wants, it's just that they can't keep it. They sabotage because that's the only way they know how to be. I believe the fun you had with your ex was real, mirroring only gets you so far, because I wouldn't want to date an exact version of myself, your exBPD was there too it wasn't just a mirror. At least that's how I tend to think!

[KarmasReal]

Hey Dhand, thanks for your feedback! By "one-up" position I assume you mean she's the better looking, got more going for her than her replacement so she can be the one who controls the relationship?

You're description of your discard sounds all too familiar. The first time my exBPD and I broke up, she thought her ex wanted her back, he didn't. The next wave of off and on with me and her coincided when she found out her ex and his gf were having a baby and her divorce was finalized. We made it through that until my birthday, which happens to coincide with her marriage anniversary, she once again devalued me and I broke up with her. All of our break ups seemed to be trigger by moments between her and her ex. Sad too, because this guy couldn't make it more obvious he doesn't care the least about her.

Making each other jealous, especially her, played a role during our relationship. However not during our break ups. Nothing is ever posted or said online between us or about each other, no one new is rubbed in each other's faces. We live in cities 30 minutes away so it's literally impossible. So she doesn't even have that control over me.

I many times want to stoop to her level and rub my younger, pretty, new gf in her face but I can't bring myself to do it, even after everything she did to me. Even if I could turn the tables and maybe make her jealous. It's a nice thought sometimes but if I'm devalued so badly it probably wouldn't make a difference anyway.

[Fr4nz]

How exactly did your ex react around your friends? Mine was definitely not quiet BPD! The few times she was around my friends, she was outgoing to an extreme, kinda acting like a teenage girl, almost flirty. My friends all hated her because of this, they took her actions as disrespect to me. She said she was just a friendly person which I now know was she acted in a manner that would get her the most attention. She always "said" she thought everyone liked her, but in truth I knew she didn't even like herself.

What they need year to year, I don't think, changes. They want what everybody wants, it's just that they can't keep it. They sabotage because that's the only way they know how to be. I believe the fun you had with your ex was real, mirroring only gets you so far, because I wouldn't want to date an exact version of myself, your exBPD was there too it wasn't just a mirror. At least that's how I tend to think!

Your ex seems to display histrionic traits as well. Like my ex, is it possible that yours was a hybrid borderline/histrionic?

[KarmasReal]

Hey Fr4nz, I understand exactly what you're saying about the histrionic traits. Without some of the more dark aspects of BPD I would have thought she was totally histrionic. However I think her actions were more attention seeking because she was self hating, than attention seeking in the histrionic sense. However those traits still closely mirrored histrionic traits in general. And she could be in fact co-morbid with hpd. By the way I read your original story post, the alcoholism and actions that came from it sound extremely familiar. My BPD was an alcoholic and her extreme drinking caused even more problems between us than would have ever happened with out. It wasn't as extreme as what you went through, but it was enough to push me over the edge. I hope you're doing okay. Thanks for your input!

[Fr4nz]

Hey Fr4nz, I understand exactly what you're saying about the histrionic traits. Without some of the more dark aspects of BPD I would have thought she was totally histrionic.

^^ I can relate; that dark side that is very evident only if you're close to her.

However I think her actions were more attention seeking because she was self hating, than attention seeking in the histrionic sense. However those traits still closely mirrored histrionic traits in general. And she could be in fact co-morbid with hpd.

Yes, it's a fine line; I also think that mine is comorbid or, in any case, possesses traits belonging to both disorders. She's a real mess.

By the way I read your original story post, the alcoholism and actions that came from it sound extremely familiar. My BPD was an alcoholic and her extreme drinking caused even more problems between us than would have ever happened with out. It wasn't as extreme as what you went through, but it was enough to push me over the edge. I hope you're doing okay. Thanks for your input!

Haha, I'm glad that you understand what one has to endure when your BPD girlfriend has serious problems with alcohol, so much that she got drunk almost every weekend (and every time she gets drunk, no one knows what will happen next... .).

Mind that during one of her dozens alcoholic rages, she told to her 90 years old grandmother "You're a b___!"... .

Another time, she got drunk and got mad with me and a friend of mine; she fleed away from home and started to run throughout the city. As a consequence, I had (toghether with the friend) to chase her to get her back home; at some point a police car stopped us, because they tought we wanted to rape her; luckily, as soon as they saw her in face, they realized she was drunk and smiled... .

The day after, she even had the courage to tell us "Why in this city the police does not mind its own business!"  

And I could go on telling this "interesting" stories... .

[troisette]

Hi KharmasReal

I agree with Fr4nz, your ex maybe was displaying narcissistic traits - co-morbidity is common. My ex, although a quiet, acting in BPD, also had narcissistic traits but in a subtler way. Age has something to do with it I think. He's in his sixties and I'm told that presentation of BPD can change over years.

My ex was a people pleaser, mirroring whomever he was with in his group. Left wing, right wing, cultured creative, geezer, he could be them all. He was also a flirt, working a room with great skill. Women thought he was lovely, he was skilled at attuning himself to them. He also was slightly fey, (I'd thought he was gay before I got to know him) and gays also liked his company, but macho men as well - he could be rugbyman, cricketman, carman, chauvinist. A rider here: his group has a bias to narcissism and superficiality so it was probably easy for him to do this undetected. They also have a bias to pretension so his background appeals. We live in a small town and people are easily impressed.

Although I have some doubts about the credentials he claimed. When I first became a FB friend he was claiming to have attended a fee paying school, this was untrue. He also made claims to have worked in a senior post for a well known agency. When he realised my background these details were taken down from his page, he may have worked for the agency but maybe not in the capacity he claimed. I'm trying to convey what I feel: Of a lost and empty man, personable, who is able to wear a mask locally that enhances his standing and therefore gives him perhaps some sense of self and supply. With a bit of grandiosity in the mix. But this is only my perception and it is therefore coloured.

Regarding my friends and acquaintances. We met some former neighbours of mine, very briefly at a distant cinema. He was introduced and I could sense his unease. When we got in the car he was angry, thinking that the man had spoken down to him. This was early days and I was surprised and spent some time trying to calm him; not saying he was wrong, just that perhaps he was overreacting. His negative comments about the man continued for several days; mainly about his clothes and his job. I guess this was his way of soothing himself, by reducing the man he could feel better about himself. I believe that overreaction is not unusual in BPD.

The other occasion was more overt. We were staying with a friend of mine for a celebration. I could sense his unease at her house, he seemed intimidated. It's an egalitarian group. Before we left for the dinner he was overtly flirting with another of her friends. I went to change, apparently this continued in my absence and friend's partner was so embarrassed he left the room - this was mentioned to me later. I guess ex was flirting because it's a mechanism that works for him at home.

It got worse at the dinner. There were some well known people there (but not in your face type people) and also people who knew some of his connections in our town. He had inflated these connections to me and successfully triangulated with them - bringing up jealousy and unsureness in me. In passing reference at the party they were just people. I think this affected him as his sense of self was enhanced by being friends with these people and it affected his self-created bubble. I noticed him drawing into himself but also taking lots of photos across the room, later realising the majority of them were of the woman he'd been flirting with earlier. I guess this was self-soothing as she had responded to his flirtiness. And so it went on - I could feel a knot in my stomach, knowing he was uneasy but not understanding why. Everyone was welcoming and friendly to him.

The following day he was very quiet and I sensed his unease at breakfast. Perhaps it was because he couldn't mirror? He was quiet for a few days after we got home, I heard him describe my friends as "posh" in a derogatory way - but they are not. They are a mixed group. But I think he was panicking because he didn't have the internal resources to mirror them and therefore his emptiness, shame and self-hatred were manifesting and he couldn't escape as we were committed to stay overnight.

Escape is a big thing for him. He needs to control his situation and leave if he can't. He also takes frequent extended trips on his own. I think this is probably to recharge himself in solitude for donning the personable, charming, witty mask that works for him in our home town.

As I write this I feel great sadness for him. Here's a man with lots of talents and personality traits that could not be developed to their full potential. He's been hijacked by a severe mental illness that has dominated his life. He told me that he hates himself, thinks he's ugly, that his life and career would have been so different if we had met when younger. But at the same time he undermined me, push/pull, the spectrum of things BPDs do in fear of engulfment.

Yes, on reflection, I do feel that some of it was not mirroring. That there were times when we were alone, relaxed, laughing and sharing and loving that were authentic, but not all of them. Increasingly I lived with the anxiety of who would he be and how would he act when we were out and about. When his mirroring came into play and I wondered who the man I thought I knew really was. Very sad.

[Fr4nz]

Just to be precise, histrionics and narcissists are different things, even if in the surface they may appear the same on many aspects.

Actually, histrionics somehow can be considered as a more high-functioning, funny and flamboyant version of borderlines.

[KarmasReal]

Hi Troisette, thanks for another great reply. After reading your last post, and knowing what I know of narcissism. I can definitely see those traits in your ex. He appears to fall into the cover or vulnerable type of narcissism. I understand that cluster b personality disorders are quite common.

I have also come to find out that BPD people generally seek out or end up with two types of people. Either co-dependent types who are people pleasing and overly empathetic or other cluster b personalities (which is scary to think about). I say this because I have seen many posts of people wondering what is so wrong with them that these people treated them so badly. The scary answer is what if we are just as disordered as they were. I have done much searching and investigated and have found I may be on the spectrum of narcissism in the covert of vulnerable since. Apparently this type is prone to BPD relationships.

Whatever category we fall in we have to realize there is something wrong with our view of relationships that puts us in these situations and take ownership.

It feels strange to say this when we are the ones who are hurt, pushed aside, and degraded but we are the one who have a chance to heal, change, and do better, our BPD exes unfortunately don't really have much of a chance at those things. I hope you're on your way to doing better yourself, keep the great repartee coming!

[Fr4nz]

I have also come to find out that BPD people generally seek out or end up with two types of people. Either co-dependent types who are people pleasing and overly empathetic or other cluster b personalities (which is scary to think about). I say this because I have seen many posts of people wondering what is so wrong with them that these people treated them so badly. The scary answer is what if we are just as disordered as they were. I have done much searching and investigated and have found I may be on the spectrum of narcissism in the covert of vulnerable since. Apparently this type is prone to BPD relationships.

Ahah, are you my twin Karma? :D

I have a borderline personality style (according to my T) and some traits of covert narc.

Anyway, it is true that BPDs tend to be attracted towards codependent and cluster b-ish people.

[troisette]

Thanks KharmaReal.

Yes, it is important to recognise our part in the relationship, otherwise we will repeat the pattern, over and over. I have been involved with three PD men, one despite therapy. My encounter with BPD left me emotionally shattered to an extent I'd never before experienced. This made me determined not to break nc and to work on myself. I recommend the posts of "2010", they can be found on this site and are insightful and helpful. The most painful ones for me to read are those that apply to me. (Always a good signpost!)

I have been nc for 8 months now and the pain is muted. I think back on previous posts I've made and know that I involved myself in insalubrious dynamics of push/pull and other aspects that were not helpful. Someone posted here, a while ago, that our BPD is like our twin. We recognise them, wonder at the recognition, try very hard to maintain that wondrous feeling as devaluation starts, ending in devastation when we have to realise it was a chimera.

I would be careful of labelling yourself without a professional view. The internet is stuffed with information about PDs - some sources are more reliable than others. I read Shari Schrieber before I came here. I liked her posts, they justified my anger and fed into whatever I needed at the time and served a need for me which was okay at the time. However, she can be inflammatory and maybe, a bit black and white?

It is a year today since the huge row that caused our split. I finally cracked after being co-dependent good girl for too long. The following day, and for months after I was barely functioning and involving myself with push/pull dynamics instigated by him. A year on and understanding of myself and him increases. It's a long haul but I am beginning to see the gift of the BPD on the horizon.

All of our journeys are different, good luck to you on yours!  

[Ahoy]

Thanks KharmaReal.

Yes, it is important to recognise our part in the relationship, otherwise we will repeat the pattern, over and over. I have been involved with three PD men, one despite therapy. My encounter with BPD left me emotionally shattered to an extent I'd never before experienced. This made me determined not to break nc and to work on myself. I recommend the posts of "2010", they can be found on this site and are insightful and helpful. The most painful ones for me to read are those that apply to me. (Always a good signpost!)

I have been nc for 8 months now and the pain is muted. I think back on previous posts I've made and know that I involved myself in insalubrious dynamics of push/pull and other aspects that were not helpful. Someone posted here, a while ago, that our BPD is like our twin. We recognise them, wonder at the recognition, try very hard to maintain that wondrous feeling as devaluation starts, ending in devastation when we have to realise it was a chimera.

I would be careful of labelling yourself without a professional view. The internet is stuffed with information about PDs - some sources are more reliable than others. I read Shari Schrieber before I came here. I liked her posts, they justified my anger and fed into whatever I needed at the time and served a need for me which was okay at the time. However, she can be inflammatory and maybe, a bit black and white?

It is a year today since the huge row that caused our split. I finally cracked after being co-dependent good girl for too long. The following day, and for months after I was barely functioning and involving myself with push/pull dynamics instigated by him. A year on and understanding of myself and him increases. It's a long haul but I am beginning to see the gift of the BPD on the horizon.

All of our journeys are different, good luck to you on yours!  

And that is just the post I needed to read at the end of a long day. I am quickly approaching 3 months, a baby compared to others here.  I'm glad your gift is starting to unwrap. I know mine is waiting for me under the big BPD christmas tree. We all need to do a lot of hard work to get our gift though, otherwise when we unwrap it, it might just be a lump of coal!

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Seems after only one month of not seeing her, I've somehow forgotten every terrible thing she has done, and every miserable feeling I felt. I can only remember the amazing times, and how sometimes we were perfect for each other. Does this phenomenon happen to anyone else? It feels like it makes things all the more difficult.

this is extremely common. in my case, there was far more bad than good, and i remembered that, but it didnt seem to matter anymore, she was suddenly on a pedestal. what helped me balance things out was writing a list of "the bad". though it hadnt escaped my mind, putting it on paper really helped it to sink in. perhaps this is something you could try?

Anyway I was thinking about BPD relationships and how they view their partners. I know they mirror and attach to the infatuation of us but is that all it is? Do pwBPD look at anything real about the person? I know when I look to meet a significant other I must be attracted physically of course, but also be interested in the person, their intelligence, how well our personalities mesh, our similarities, quirks, even smell, and liking to do the same things together. Do BPD's have standards or maybe a thought process like this as well, when looking for a partner?

this is a more complicated question, and there is no one size fits all answer as every person with BPD is different. people with BPD struggle with object constancy, which is, briefly, to see another person as a whole, with an integrated past and present. as such, you are primarily seen in the moment, and either as "good" or "bad". the things about you that may have once been attractive, may become the very reasons for which to paint you black. what a person with BPD tends to feel is intensely felt, but generally not sustainable. so yes, certainly a person with BPD has standards and a thought process when it comes to attraction (they may change from relationship to relationship though) but devaluation of those qualities and the person themselves are essentially inevitable.

So on top of this my exBPD partner and I shared many similarities, strange quirks, the ability to talk about anything for hours. I was basically perfect for her, as her drinking and BPD splitting got worse those things got more and more lost, but they were still there, that doesn't change, only she changed. Many of you may have had long relationships with BPD people and felt as though you were perfect for each other too, I would especially like your feedback.

these relationships do tend to have a soulmate like quality to them - this too is unsustainable. my ex and i expressed to each other how intensely we were attracted to each others faces, particularly around the ocular bones. i heard no shortage of how i was the best man ever, for any little thing i did, how great a father i would be, how much i helped her, how patient and loving i was... .as if i could do no wrong. when we put others on a pedestal, or are put on one ourselves, a fall from that pedestal is inevitable. likewise, i heard no shortage of what a ass i was, how i cared more about x y or z than her, that i didnt see her often enough, and of course, i was discarded and replaced with relative ease.

from the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck:

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We  often  cling  to  the  positive  words  and promises  that  were  voiced  and  ignore  or

minimalize the negative actions.

“But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have  been  said  during  the  course  of  the

relationship,  but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children –often with little thought for long term implications.

You must  let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them -are the truth.

Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

So basically my questions are do BPD have ideals and standards for people they want to date i.e. Values, looks, interests, connection, etc. or is it anyone they can manipulate? And if you were (in your mind, others mind, even your exBPD's mind) the perfect partner for your exBPD, based on your relationship, what she said about it, even seeing similarities in you and the pwBPD exes, why or how could they so easily leave you? If the chances of finding nothing better or so extremely small, why would they give you up? Especially so easily? Is it they think they can recycle us back whenever they want? That's a dangerous game, and sometimes won't work, so that's a big risk to take. This is a question that confuses me and I can't seem to find an answer in my own mind so I thought I would borrow yours!

people with BPD do not generally look for someone they can manipulate. consciously or unconsciously, or subconsciously, they are looking for a savior, and the solution to their pain/problems. we all have subconscious attractions. i felt very safe in my relationship, as if she would never leave. i didnt consciously set out to find that. there are controlling aspects when it comes to managing the conflicting fears of abandonment and engulfment. sometimes, for example, you will read stories of long distance relationships involving a person with BPD. this may or may not be conscious, or fully conscious; it differs from person to person. i think the entirety of the article i shared speaks to the rest of your question. its a painful reality, but it is mental illness.

[troisette]

@Fr4nz - apologies, I misread your post. Narcissistic for Histrionic, narcissism was probably on my mind. Yes, they are different.