Social Anxiety

[Herodias]

I just listened to a talk about "Stranger Danger" and what we were taught as a kid. Be afraid to talk to strangers. After this experience I feel even more cautious... .She said if we will open ourselves up and say hello to people we will have a better chance of meeting people. I do not want to do online dating. She even says wouldn't it be nice to meet people in person. I know allot of people who have not had any luck on dating sites... .some actually do. Heck, my ex is on a dating site still now! That's why I would rather meet someone in person. We do need to be careful and we need to see red flags, but I had a thought, if all of us are good people and are too afraid to go out and meet people, how are we ever going to meet new people that are good people like us?

[confusedbloke]

I went on Tinder. Had one match in like 3 months - made me feel worse.  Online is not for me. Not doing it again.  Plus online is boring really.  I prefer instant banter.

I agree though, smiling and saying hello to people significantly improves your chances of meeting someone.  I reckon just trying to smile at, at least one stranger per day, or saying hello, will build confidence and it will become natural.  I could be wrong but it works for me.

Also agree that Im aware of red flags too now... .but maybe thats not a bad thing.  Maybe we wont do the same stupid thing again and fall for the absolute wrong person again.

Dont be afraid to go out of your comfort zone, I say.  I get so scared out of my comfort zone, but I make myself do it and always feel happy that I did afterwards... .

Don't let our exes ruin our futures

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

Also agree that Im aware of red flags too now... .but maybe thats not a bad thing.

I can relate with the anxiety and there was a period where I felt "hyper vigilant" and was constantly detecting potential threats that weren't there. I agree with being careful and detecting the red flags, I was talking to my T about something similar and relationships. I liked her suggestion with letting people in, giving them a chance then filtering them out after if they have bad behaviors.

[Herodias]

Mutt, that makes sense. I see red flags before I even give them a chance, That can't be good... I think I'm looking for them.

[Dhand77]

I went on Tinder. Had one match in like 3 months - made me feel worse.  Online is not for me. Not doing it again.  Plus online is boring really.  I prefer instant banter.

I agree though, smiling and saying hello to people significantly improves your chances of meeting someone.  I reckon just trying to smile at, at least one stranger per day, or saying hello, will build confidence and it will become natural.  I could be wrong but it works for me.

Also agree that Im aware of red flags too now... .but maybe thats not a bad thing.  Maybe we wont do the same stupid thing again and fall for the absolute wrong person again.

Dont be afraid to go out of your comfort zone, I say.  I get so scared out of my comfort zone, but I make myself do it and always feel happy that I did afterwards... .

Don't let our exes ruin our futures

I did my first Tinder date this weekend. Matched with a cute girl with really funny pictures and a funny profile. Had a really fun and intelligent text exchange for the first time in 4 years. So going on a date seemed like a no brainer.

Was I looking for red-flags? Most certainly.

But, I had to stop looking for them. Judging a person right out of the gate felt really, really wrong. I ended up having a great time, I never laughed so much on a first date in my life. And the entire time? I didn't even think about the BPDex. THAT was probably the best part.

I think everyone that comes into our lives, deserves a fair chance. Even after being emotionally maimed by a BPD. Will I still be on the look out for red flags in the future? Sure, it would be hard not to. But it's only fair to give this girl the same chance I gave every other girl I dated. I can't let my ex control my dating life too.

[GreenEyedMonster]

The first two people I went on dates with after the breakup were from online dating sites.  The first was clearly autistic.  The second was personality disordered in a way that you couldn't possibly miss it.  He spent the first dating getting drunk, then telling me about his DUI, which he deemed the bartender's fault.  He would tell me about the other women he was going out with in between talking to me, but was insanely jealous at the idea that I was dating anyone else.  He had a masters degree from an EXTREMELY elite institution (and his bachelor's was nothing to sneeze at either) but he was working in a fast food restaurant while living in his mother's basement.  He repeatedly backed out on the second date, which I eventually confronted him about because I essentially had nothing to lose.  He cut off all contact with me abruptly and disappeared.

I've actually met a few people, including the guy I'm seeing now, at Meetups.  The advantage of that is that you often get the chance to know them for several months before you date and see how they interact with a variety of people.  I've been hanging out with this guy since last September and we still haven't really crossed the friendship boundary -- less so on my side than his, I suppose.  When we first met I was very emotionally unavailable from the breakup and he was understanding about this, so we go out casually a little bit and hang out with some mutual friends, but I'm taking the emotional involvement really slowly.  I still freak out if he shows any traits like my exBPD, so we have our moments, but at least we have TIME to sort things out.  Regular dating doesn't really offer that.