Wait a second, who's the victim here?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The drama is also addictive... .but as has been stated above, like any class A drug, the withdrawal symptoms are terrible and getting yourself 'clean' takes time and effort... .but we WILL get there  

I tried discussing the situation with a friend last night. He doesn't understand the addictive aspect of it. He was p****** me off. He basically said, "you need to start moving on," as if I can do so with the flip of a switch. He was really condescending about it, too.

[sweet tooth]

The drama is also addictive... .but as has been stated above, like any class A drug, the withdrawal symptoms are terrible and getting yourself 'clean' takes time and effort... .but we WILL get there  

I tried discussing the situation with a friend last night. He doesn't understand the addictive aspect of it. He was p****** me off. He basically said, "you need to start moving on," as if I can do so with the flip of a switch. He was really condescending about it, too.

[Fr4nz]

There are many times I still long for my ex, almost to the point where I want to use the possible jealousy aspect against her and post pictures of me and my new girlfriend, just to see if she responds to seeing that. I know it's childish behavior, but I miss being around her, it's the strangest loss or break up I've ever had. I don't think is missing them makes us sick, we are just human and we feel, no matter what those feelings can't just shut off like a light. Hope this post helps man.

Isn't it ironic how we miss them even if they mistreated us so badly?

Indeed, we still miss them because we had a trauma bond with 'em.

[Fr4nz]

The drama is also addictive... .but as has been stated above, like any class A drug, the withdrawal symptoms are terrible and getting yourself 'clean' takes time and effort... .but we WILL get there  

I tried discussing the situation with a friend last night. He doesn't understand the addictive aspect of it. He was p****** me off. He basically said, "you need to start moving on," as if I can do so with the flip of a switch. He was really condescending about it, too.

Only people that have been in r/s with BPDs can understand us and the underlying dynamics... .very sad that not so many people can understand us.

[5tarla]

The drama is also addictive... .but as has been stated above, like any class A drug, the withdrawal symptoms are terrible and getting yourself 'clean' takes time and effort... .but we WILL get there  

I tried discussing the situation with a friend last night. He doesn't understand the addictive aspect of it. He was p****** me off. He basically said, "you need to start moving on," as if I can do so with the flip of a switch. He was really condescending about it, too.

Unfortunately people that haven't been in our situation don't understand or know how to respond. I was addicted to my ex before I found out about her cheating, and I never intentionally enjoyed our chaos. I've also encountered people here with this same flip of the switch mentality. The think we shouldn't even care at all because they are further along in their healing than we are.

[sweet tooth]

The drama is also addictive... .but as has been stated above, like any class A drug, the withdrawal symptoms are terrible and getting yourself 'clean' takes time and effort... .but we WILL get there  

I tried discussing the situation with a friend last night. He doesn't understand the addictive aspect of it. He was p****** me off. He basically said, "you need to start moving on," as if I can do so with the flip of a switch. He was really condescending about it, too.

Unfortunately people that haven't been in our situation don't understand or know how to respond. I was addicted to my ex before I found out about her cheating, and I never intentionally enjoyed our chaos. I've also encountered people here with this same flip of the switch mentality. The think we shouldn't even care at all because they are further along in their healing than we are.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, there is a small part of me that still cares about any woman I've ever been involved with. I wish them all happiness. Some of them I wish I had an opportunity to be involved with again. Others I don't. It's just a part of who I am.

[once removed]

I think it got to the point where I engaged first after no contact the last few times, and she knew my belonging exchange text were just an opportunity to see her. She never could let me walk away after a break up if she saw me. If I didn't engage in the "come get my stuff text" after one of our past break ups she may have put me out of sight out of mind. But she always said okay and I always came up and we always got back together.

i think that pretty well answers your question, as far as abandonment goes. my ex and i each said "its over" countless times - neither of us for a moment ever took it seriously, except the first time i said it. relationships of all kinds require boundaries. if we have weak boundaries, or dont maintain them, we send a message that theyre not to be taken seriously.

did you know your belonging exchange texts were just an opportunity to see her?

So in her mind wouldn't she think me texting about this is the same, thus wouldn't be abandonment, it would be me re-engaging, at least in her mind. The only difference is this break up was the nastiest we've had and I waited almost a month to re-engage the other times it was closer to a week or two.

i think youre looking at this from either your perspective, or what you imagine a "normal" person would be experiencing. its natural, i did it too. theres a lot i couldnt comprehend. my ex would literally have me start her bath water cause she liked the setting i chose. we were virtually never apart from each other for nearly three years. everything in the world was reminding me of her, surely she was experiencing the same (she wasnt. she was experiencing what she was experiencing - very different than i)

its a big difference you highlight, though. nastiest break up youve had could have resulted in you being painted black. the length of time may play into object permanence issues, and the thought of seeing you may be too strong a trigger. im speculating, though. you may never know the real answer.

You say there are certain levels of predictability with certain behaviors and past history. What exactly does that mean? I feel like I can predict her but on the other hand she contradicted herself so much I feel like even she doesn't know what she thinks.

what she thinks may change on a dime for a variety of reasons: unstable sense of self, impulsivity, immaturity, etc.

trying to predict her at this point though, is futile and will keep you stuck. what i essentially meant is that past behavior is often (not always) a strong indicator of future behavior. couple that with certain dos and donts when it comes to an ongoing relationship with someone with BPD. when youre in it, you begin to anticipate certain responses, and youre quite often right. many of us learn to walk on eggshells as a result.

I haven't really thought about what I would do if she contacts. I've been asked that question a lot. I know I greatly miss her but I also know the baggage and emotional turmoil and bad memories that come with her too. I'm also seeing another girl, younger, pretty, sweet, good to me, with a good job, and very responsible. An upgrade in almost every category, except she doesn't make me feel like my exBPD. People have said if I broke up with her to get back with my ex, I would be insane. I keep telling myself if I got to see my ex again maybe I would know what to do. Maybe I could see I was just missing the past and not her, or maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that and I really just want to see her. I'm afraid if the second possibility is true she will hook me again with infatuation and the roller coaster will start again.

i think if you want to have a successful relationship with a new gal, these are the sorts of things that must be (emotionally) resolved. how long have you been out? how long have you been seeing the new gal?

[KarmasReal]

Thanks for getting back to me once removed,

Yes I think I showed weak boundaries, at least up until the last month of our relationship, by then I was detaching and leaving when she had episodes. But it was obvious to me, the only way to stay in this relationship, or maybe any BPD relationship, long term is to have weak boundaries. I set boundaries every time something happened between us. She would find new ways to push them. The only boundary I could have was to end it, nothing else would have ever been successful.

And to answer your question yes I was using the exchange of belongings as an excuse for us to be face to face. I knew it and she knew it too, she told me she did. After any "break up" we had, I would come up for the exchange then we would change the subject, ignore why I came, and pretend like whatever happened never did and fell back to how we were before. We never really resolved anything.

Just based on your experience and my posts do you believe as far as abandonment goes she doesn't believe this is the end and she thinks my asking for my belongings was re engagement? And she either doesn't want to or is punishing me for some reason?

I know and have seen on here that BPD read people well, she never said anything but maybe she saw me emotionally detaching and that caused her preemptive strike. You're right I don't know what she's experiencing, I know she has gifts, pictures, and my things all over her place that are emotional triggers. Whether I'm painted black is hard to say. She never seemed consistent with her splitting. She hated her first boyfriend at a time now they're friends, she went back and forth hating her ex husband then wanting him back. She could treat me terrible for a week or two then I'm the greatest thing ever, nothing ever stayed black or white consistently, there was never one bad guy, one good guy, it went back and forth constantly. The thought of seeing me may be a strong trigger I agree, but in what sense? Good, bad, just emotionally?

Very true that the past can predict the future. The past shows reengagement has happened with everyone, me, other boyfriends, her ex husband, even flings. Every one of her long relationships has had at least one long break up, most more than that, ranging from 5 months to four days. She's even known some were seeing people during these break ups and still got back together, although I suspect she was too. Do some BPD's function like this? They have one person long term to reengage with and keep doing until they eventually stops it?

You're definitely right about things changing on a dime. Last year we broke up 10 days before my birthday things were horrible between us several weeks preceding that, then she reengaged 6 weeks later missing me and gave me a big birthday present, saying she bought it before we broke up but never gave it to me and she often looked at it and thought of me. Eventually I got the truth, she hadn't even bought the present until after my birthday, when we were broken up! She probably bought it only when she knew she would see me again. How weird is that? And especially to make up this whole story that wasn't even true. So not only did her view of me change on a dime she tried to manipulate me into believing this "romantic story".

At this point you guys here are how I emotionally resolve things. Its slow progress sometimes and feels like most other people don't understand why. Sharing here has been the best decision I've made to heal from this.

I've been seeing my new girl for 6 weeks. We have dated before about 4 years ago. So there's no pretense. Unfortunately I miss the excitement and not knowing of a new exciting relationship. At this point I'm questioning if I'm only with her as a rebound or a perfect way to make my exBPD jealous. I keep refraining from trying to play those games but sometimes it feels like it would be so satisfying. I guess I'm not healed enough to make any rational decision, I just need time and support to get there.

Once again thank you, sorry for my consistent long posts but sometimes I add details so someone here can see and feel like they have someone who's been there right in the same situation, well guys I have, we are all here for each other. Peace and blessings.

[once removed]

But it was obvious to me, the only way to stay in this relationship, or maybe any BPD relationship, long term is to have weak boundaries. I set boundaries every time something happened between us. She would find new ways to push them. The only boundary I could have was to end it, nothing else would have ever been successful.

on the contrary, a relationship with someone with BPD requires firm and consistent boundaries. pwBPD tend to lack their own, and they need a strong example. they arent a guarantee, and a person with BPD will tend to test our boundaries. it tends to be pretty tricky if youre trying to set them after the fact (they will likely be met with an extinction burst), and the thing about boundaries is that they are for you, not to manage the behavior of another.


Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

More Information and Member Discussion on Boundaries

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

Just based on your experience and my posts do you believe as far as abandonment goes she doesn't believe this is the end and she thinks my asking for my belongings was re engagement? And she either doesn't want to or is punishing me for some reason?

there is no way for me to know what is in her head, but she has stated she would prefer no contact. again, take this at face value.

I know and have seen on here that BPD read people well, she never said anything but maybe she saw me emotionally detaching and that caused her preemptive strike. You're right I don't know what she's experiencing, I know she has gifts, pictures, and my things all over her place that are emotional triggers. Whether I'm painted black is hard to say. She never seemed consistent with her splitting. She hated her first boyfriend at a time now they're friends, she went back and forth hating her ex husband then wanting him back. She could treat me terrible for a week or two then I'm the greatest thing ever, nothing ever stayed black or white consistently, there was never one bad guy, one good guy, it went back and forth constantly.

"read people well" is somewhat misleading. people with BPD are hyper vigilant for any sign, real or perceived, of abandonment. this is a distorted view, so while they are hyper in tune with it, its not an accurate reading of people. that doesnt preclude your theory that she observed that you were emotionally detaching and reacted though. you also highlight the fact that there is no one size fits all and that all of our partners, in each of their relationships, are different. black and white thinking may manifest differently, but its the generalization, that people with BPD tend to hold a black and white view of the world and other people, that you want to keep in mind.

The thought of seeing me may be a strong trigger I agree, but in what sense? Good, bad, just emotionally?

suffice to say the thought and the prospect is unpleasant for her.

Very true that the past can predict the future. The past shows reengagement has happened with everyone, me, other boyfriends, her ex husband, even flings. Every one of her long relationships has had at least one long break up, most more than that, ranging from 5 months to four days. She's even known some were seeing people during these break ups and still got back together, although I suspect she was too. Do some BPD's function like this? They have one person long term to reengage with and keep doing until they eventually stops it?

i think youre just describing a history of unstable relationships (a key diagnostic criteria for BPD). this can manifest in any number of ways for a person with BPD, or anyone for that matter. relationship recycling, in general, is normal (about 62% of relationships recycle). its when it gets into multiple relationship recycles that it drifts into unhealthy territory. if something major doesnt change in at least one party, how can the relationship?

You're definitely right about things changing on a dime. Last year we broke up 10 days before my birthday things were horrible between us several weeks preceding that, then she reengaged 6 weeks later missing me and gave me a big birthday present, saying she bought it before we broke up but never gave it to me and she often looked at it and thought of me. Eventually I got the truth, she hadn't even bought the present until after my birthday, when we were broken up! She probably bought it only when she knew she would see me again. How weird is that? And especially to make up this whole story that wasn't even true. So not only did her view of me change on a dime she tried to manipulate me into believing this "romantic story".

that does tend to take the wind out of those romantic sails. frankly though im not sure which version id believe, if either. what you are describing feels very manipulative, and it is, but what was motivating it on her end was emotional survival and maintaining an attachment, as opposed to deliberately trying to pull the wool over your eyes. that doesnt make it any better, or any more mature certainly, but it does help explain what drives such behavior.

At this point you guys here are how I emotionally resolve things. Its slow progress sometimes and feels like most other people don't understand why. Sharing here has been the best decision I've made to heal from this.

im glad youre getting the support you need, KarmasReal. its what we are here for, and through learning about BPD, there really are ways of making some sense of the insensible, but theres a lot of information, and its difficult to digest in a short period of time. have you had a chance to read the article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD, or the lessons we have here? it helps to absorb the information in bits at a time. seeing a therapist is also highly recommended - bpdfamily is meant to supplement, not replace, a relationship with a therapist.

Surviving a Break-up with Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

LESSONS

I've been seeing my new girl for 6 weeks. We have dated before about 4 years ago. So there's no pretense. Unfortunately I miss the excitement and not knowing of a new exciting relationship. At this point I'm questioning if I'm only with her as a rebound or a perfect way to make my exBPD jealous. I keep refraining from trying to play those games but sometimes it feels like it would be so satisfying. I guess I'm not healed enough to make any rational decision, I just need time and support to get there.

whyd you split up the first time? why are you back together?