Confronting sexual molestor?

[Jacidrinkswine]

I have gone no contact with my ex BPD girlfriend. She has now called me claiming she wants my assistance in confronting a family member who molested her as child - 13 years old. She says her dbt therapist recommended this to ask him questions. To me this seems like a story to lure me back into the FOG and drama. Would a therapist recomend getting this guy to a public location and confronting him. Is this safe? I don't know if this story is true or another manipulation. All opinions appreciated.

[Sunfl0wer]

It is possible that her therapist has spoke of the idea of confronting her abuser.  This does not mean she actually recommended it.  It also does not mean that she recommended doing this in person.  (More likely a letter that doesn't get sent) It also does not mean that she recommended your ex to orchestrate involving her ex, you, or anyone else for that matter, in this ordeal.

For this to be a healing experience for your ex, I cannot see anything therapeutic in this method.  It looks like drama making behavior, not healing actions. 

It is common for pwBPD to create or imagine a crisis or sense of urgency to get favor, soothed or for other reasons.  Is this plausible for her in this situation?

You say that you have gone NC.  How do you feel about your ex contacting you?  Is she aware of your desire for NC?  How did you handle her contact?

[jhkbuzz]

I have gone no contact with my ex BPD girlfriend. She has now called me claiming she wants my assistance in confronting a family member who molested her as child - 13 years old. She says her dbt therapist recommended this to ask him questions. To me this seems like a story to lure me back into the FOG and drama. Would a therapist recomend getting this guy to a public location and confronting him. Is this safe? I don't know if this story is true or another manipulation. All opinions appreciated.

You can always suggest that the BOTH of you sit down with her therapist to discuss what the therapist suggested, and how to handle the situation properly.

My guess is that it would become immediately apparent that her therapist never suggested that you should get involved.

[sweet tooth]

It's inappropriate for a FORMER lover to be involved in something so personal. A therapist would not suggest that element of it. This is a Charm Attempt, 100%

[Aussie0zborn]

I agree with Sweet Tooth. This is none of your business and nothing to do with you. That's what the Police are for and they have skilled specialists to deal with this type of abuse. (Mind you, the police are often stupid asss and bullies but that's a different story)

I would say this is an attempt to draw you back in. I had an ex-GF do this to me. I hung in and tried to help but there is nothing you can do because we are not qualified to help in such cases. In another post today, someone mentioned the term "trauma bond" which I hadn't heard before. I didn't need an explanation - I knew exactly what it meant having been in such bonds before. It seems she is trying to entangle you in a trauma bond. Seeing as you are not her abuser, you have ZERO responsibility in this issue. The fact you're asking means that you should RUN FAST and distance yourself ASAP.

[Jacidrinkswine]

I think this is a tactic. It is her manipulation on her part. She has a very high iq and is a master manipulator. However there is part of me that want to see if she does it. And if the molestaion part of the story is true.

[Jacidrinkswine]

Update: when confronted she admitted that it was her idea to confront the abuser. The therapist suggested she write a letter. I said this is why we should be no contact. She refused to accept responsibility for changing the fact. I had been no contact for 5 days, now mentally drawn back into the drama.

[Sunfl0wer]

In the final months of my relationship I felt quite confused about:

What was real, what wasn't?

Was he who I thought he was?

Was there meaning I missed?

Could I have done more, been better?

The list can go on for pages.

What the issue I struggled with was while my mind logically could see that there was little chance things would turn towards being promising for us, my heart held fast to the feelings of: family, partnership, future goals, my identity as his partner, etc.

It takes us all time for our hearts to match our minds.  Our hearts sometimes seem to want more 'proof' to determine they are to align with the mind.  However, when the heart and the mind eventually align, and they will, there is much more peace of mind.

I think it is wise to be gentle with yourself at this point.  There is a lot to process.  It sounds like you are digesting things.  Often digesting too fast means our bodies don't have the opportunity to absorb all the nutrients, other times it simply gives us agita.

It sounds like you are doing fine at your own pace to learn and discover what is going on.  You seem to be genuine in your curiosity for growth and information.  (Not just looking for 'a way out' of experiencing pain.)

Now some may disagree with me and scream, "detach!"  Yet, I needed this period of discovery with my ex to process things, and I was able to get much healing work done during this time, and I did slowly detach at my own rate, while learning and exploring and seeing things with new eyes... .this all WAS part of my process for detaching.  (The remainder months living together but broken up, then LC after seperating)

How are you handling this info?

What is next?