Forgetting Unethical Behavior

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A study was done at Princeton, the found people are more likely to forget their unethical actions over time than their ethical actions.

www.pnas.org/content/early/2016/05/11/1523586113.full

This rings so true for how my exBPDgf recalled events. When I found out about her cheating on me a year before she says that whole time was a blur, that she wasn't herself, that that's not who she is. Yet at that same time she was cheating on her replacement with me, telling me I was the one and she was just waiting for a good moment to break up with him.

What was I thinking, FOG can make you do regretful things.

[lunchbox123]

A study was done at Princeton, the found people are more likely to forget their unethical actions over time than their ethical actions.

www.pnas.org/content/early/2016/05/11/1523586113.full

This rings so true for how my exBPDgf recalled events. When I found out about her cheating on me a year before she says that whole time was a blur, that she wasn't herself, that that's not who she is. Yet at that same time she was cheating on her replacement with me, telling me I was the one and she was just waiting for a good moment to break up with him.

What was I thinking, FOG can make you do regretful things.

[C.Stein]

This rings true with regard to my ex.  Her extended deception that essentially destroyed our relationship (and me) was eventually "forgotten" to the point where she literally believed she had done nothing wrong.   This allowed her to view the consequences of her actions (i.e. the impact her deception had on me and our relationship) as being my fault ... .I changed ... .I mislead her.  This also allowed her to justify devaluing me, replacing me, and eventually throwing me away.   She simply could not accept that her actions not only destroyed me but our relationship.  To accept responsibility would also mean (in her mind) that she would have to accept she is a bad person so history was revised.  This highlights the inability of a pwBPD to separate themselves from their actions, in that a person can make a mistake without believing they are a bad person for making that mistake.   

[Turkish]

I got an email while my Ex was deep in the throes of her affair (it still took 4 months for her to leave): "a woman of character deserves a man of character. In this, you failed."

Lying, cheating, and neglecting your 1 and 3 year olds while you live a double life demonstrated character in her mind. I was blown away. I didn't respond. Don't validate the invalid.

[Ahoy]

It's funny, no matter how many times I read this subject, particularly regarding BPD's ability to warp/revise their relationship history, it still blows me away while simultaneously giving me the chills.

It sucks this disorder exists, it truly does. So many wasted lives (them and us)

[JohnLove]

It's funny, no matter how many times I read this subject, particularly regarding BPD's ability to warp/revise their relationship history, it still blows me away while simultaneously giving me the chills.

It sucks this disorder exists, it truly does. So many wasted lives (them and us)

DITTO right there. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so downright agonizing.

[Moselle]

It sucks this disorder exists, it truly does. So many wasted lives (them and us)

In these relationships we married, got involved with or mixed in some way with this... .voluntarily!

Why?

Of course its FOO issues and dysfunction we were used to and felt comfortable with, as well as an attraction to the dysfunction. Now mine is dangerous and unco-operative so I don't mean to minimise this, but we're half of the dysfunction and we have the opportunity to change it for ourselves and for our children if there are any.

I have the opportunity to socialise now with other co-deps, and its pretty messed up too. Both sides are, and the difference is we are much more able to make lasting changes.

[Ahoy]

It sucks this disorder exists, it truly does. So many wasted lives (them and us)

In these relationships we married, got involved with or mixed in some way with this... .voluntarily!

Why?

Of course its FOO issues and dysfunction we were used to and felt comfortable with, as well as an attraction to the dysfunction. Now mine is dangerous and unco-operative so I don't mean to minimise this, but we're half of the dysfunction and we have the opportunity to change it for ourselves and for our children if there are any.

I have the opportunity to socialise now with other co-deps, and its pretty messed up too. Both sides are, and the difference is we are much more able to make lasting changes.

And that is absolutely true. I think for the most part we can all admit this too. I very much hope in 20 years time when I'm married with kids, I can happily say how I needed to go through this so I could grow up and learn, albeit painfully what truly defines a healthy relationship .

[Moselle]

Ahoy, good on you.

If we volunteered to get in, we can volunteer to get healthy too.

And that is the key. We can measure how healthy we are against co-dep traits, or even how comfortable we are with our own company.

It takes time and effort though. Remember to be patient with yourself.

[Icanteven]

This rings true with regard to my ex.  Her extended deception that essentially destroyed our relationship (and me) was eventually "forgotten" to the point where she literally believed she had done nothing wrong.   This allowed her to view the consequences of her actions (i.e. the impact her deception had on me and our relationship) as being my fault ... .I changed ... .I mislead her.  This also allowed her to justify devaluing me, replacing me, and eventually throwing me away.   She simply could not accept that her actions not only destroyed me but our relationship.  To accept responsibility would also mean (in her mind) that she would have to accept she is a bad person so history was revised.  This highlights the inability of a pwBPD to separate themselves from their actions, in that a person can make a mistake without believing they are a bad person for making that mistake.   

Just from a layman's perspective, I find this tied up with the dissociative elements of the pathology.  My wife has burned the heart out of every man in her life who has ever dared to love her, and in ways that would make your blood curdle.  As I mentioned in another thread, I wrote her past behavior off to being unmedicated and untreated, but the reality is I was deceiving myself and rationalizing her actions, because she had become medication compliant when we started dating.  Karma is a B.  It seems like I'm reaping a harvest I sewed many years ago that my ego caused me to believe would never happen to me.  Yet, here we are. 

What's truly chilling, now with some time and distance between us, is how she could tell the stories and you could glimpse the fact that she realized she should have felt shame and remorse and guilt and embarrassment for just how horribly she had ended her relationships, but her affect was such you could see that she didn't really feel any of those things.  If anything, the stories would fit into a narrative that somehow she was justified.  "Oh, he was so controlling, but I showed him."  "He wondered if I was cheating on him so I ended it by cheating on him in a way he'd catch me."  "He was an ideal life partner, but he couldn't please me sexually in ways I never told him I wanted to be pleased, so I was totally justified in cheating on him for the majority of our relationship." "They were so dumb they didn't know about each other so it's their own fault for letting me get away with cheating on them."  "His job made him work long hours and I wasn't getting the attention I needed so I got it where I could; he was none the wiser so what was the harm?"  Come to think of it, infidelity and heartache for her mail suitors was the only constant in her relationships.  She readily admitted she shouldn't have been unfaithful, and she would and will readily admit that she's a terrible person for doing so, but it didn't stop her even as she was doing it even as she knew it was a terrible thing to do.  Wifey needed total control, and had it till she met me, only giving up some control meant she had NO control at the end (splitting, black and white thinking). 

I'm ashamed to even write that last paragraph, because I'm reminded that I knew all of these things and I pursued her and wifed her anyway.  Foolishly, egotistically, I thought I could hit all the check boxes she wanted in a mate that would let her let go of past behaviors.  And maybe I did, until her mental illnesses ganged up on her and she spiraled into a hole she'd never seen the depths of before.  Then I was discarded like the rest.   

[Fr4nz]

Come to think of it, infidelity and heartache for her mail suitors was the only constant in her relationships.  She readily admitted she shouldn't have been unfaithful, and she would and will readily admit that she's a terrible person for doing so, but it didn't stop her even as she was doing it even as she knew it was a terrible thing to do.  Wifey needed total control, and had it till she met me, only giving up some control meant she had NO control at the end (splitting, black and white thinking).

Indeed, the definition of BPD states, among other things, that the disorder is made up by a set of "inflexible" dysfunctional behaviours and thoughts... .

It is ironic to observe how sufferers never realize that such inflexible patterns always end up causing drama, chaos and pain. And they go on repeating the very same patterns across different relationships, without learning A SINGLE THING.

[Moselle]

And they go on repeating the very same patterns across different relationships, without learning A SINGLE THING.

They learn alright, but they learn how to manipulate more efficiently and effectively.

They also generally get what they want. Attention, money, drama, things. The only thing that changes is the faces. Replacements.

[Rayban]

And they go on repeating the very same patterns across different relationships, without learning A SINGLE THING.

They learn alright, but they learn how to manipulate more efficiently and effectively.

They also generally get what they want. Attention, money, drama, things. The only thing that changes is the faces. Replacements.

I was thinking about this the other day, as long as there are enablers (parents, friends, ex lovers extended family etc) They will see no reason to change except to learn how to be more effective con men and con women. AS for my ex, she had her daddy paying her bills, friends who supported her distorted beliefs, ex lovers waiting in line for another go, and other family members who would protect her no matter what, even if they realized she was destructive.

My devalue also involved her turning the tables on me, and blaming me for everything that went wrong in the relationship, and deserved what I got. Until the enabling stops, they'll just keep on hunting new prey.

[JerryRG]

My exgf abused me during our relationship with the lies manipulation and drama and after I kicked her out of my life she's still trying to harm me. I ask people why and they say it's control. Control what? I'm gone so why try to control me?

What's her endgame? That's when my rational friends say she's not rational so don't assume there's an endgame.

Revised history is an easy out for any responsibility for her mistakes. Rewrite the plot and fill in anything you want so you can live guilt free. May work for her but she is bound to repeat this over and over never having learned how to change.