How do you let go?

[Mels]

 Hi everyone, I was just wondering for those of you who were able to detach and let go... .how did you do it? It's been 3 months for me and I still struggle with it. I still care. I don't want to be with him, but I'm also very much affected by things he does, who who he's with, what he says, etc.

I know it'll take a while, but I also fear because I'm so sensitive and emotional that this will be a long, long process.  I'd love to wake up and be as detached as he is.

When did you get to a point where you simply stopped caring?

[Hadlee]

Hey Mels.

For me, it took a long time to reach acceptance and feel detached.  I have been out of the relationship for 18 months now, and it's only been the last couple of months where I have felt free of the whole ordeal.

I also wanted to wake up one day and be magically detached.  It didn't happen like that, unfortunately.  I worked hard on myself, to heal, to regain my strength, and start living again.  It's a tough road, but there definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel.  My saving grace has been NC.  I remained LC for a long time after the split, and I believe that hindered me rather than helped.  So, NC is where I aim to remain for the rest of my days

I'm sorry you are struggling  

[Ahoy]

Hey Mels.

For me, it took a long time to reach acceptance and feel detached.  I have been out of the relationship for 18 months now, and it's only been the last couple of months where I have felt free of the whole ordeal.

I also wanted to wake up one day and be magically detached.  It didn't happen like that, unfortunately.  I worked hard on myself, to heal, to regain my strength, and start living again.  It's a tough road, but there definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel.  My saving grace has been NC.  I remained LC for a long time after the split, and I believe that hindered me rather than helped.  So, NC is where I aim to remain for the rest of my days

I'm sorry you are struggling  

Yeah I don't think there is any quick fix aside from determination and time. Just under 3 months here, LC still due to divorce, 100% agree it is hindering me detach.

This week has been a 'good' week so to speak, I'm more able to spend time doing my old activities without succumbing to despair. I'm sure more of those days are still ahead of me but I can definitely see progress.

Stop caring? I don't think many people would possess the ability to do that on these forums, we all cared too much. Like Busy says, get out of his life, it will stop heaping new thoughts and stresses onto your already burdened back!

[Hadlee]

Glad you are having a good week, Ahoy.  Great process for being only 3 months out

I agree with you about the not caring.  Whilst I have detached, I still care, and will probably always care.  I guess there is a difference in caring - I no longer care what he is doing with his life - I only care about him as a fellow human being.  That's it.

[balletomane]

Go easy on yourself. Three months isn't a long time at all. At that stage I still had tears leaking out of my eyes sometimes as I was going about my day - I'd be sitting in class or walking down the street and all of a sudden I'd be crying.

It may help to remember that the detachment your ex has maybe isn't the kind of detachment you'd want. My ex, like many people with BPD, has real difficulty with object permanence. If someone is not around him all the time, he very quickly loses interest in them in favour of something or somebody else - it's as if he forgets how important they were to him. He also forgets how he behaves when very upset or angry, and the blank spots in his memory also keep him detached - they separate him from me because I remember the full event, while he just remembers bits and pieces. The memories are like islands and the forgetting is like a series of rivers running between us. I wouldn't want that kind of detachment, because it hasn't emerged from a healthy process of grief and self-compassion, it's come from my ex's difficulties. Those problems cause a lot of pain and confusion for him, but because of his BPD he can't even see the patterns in his thinking and behaviour, so he has no way out but to blame others and seek solace in the first interested new person who happens along. So whenever I feel upset or even jealous at just how easily he replaced me and cast me aside - how is it that he deserves to find happiness so quickly with a nice new partner after causing me so much pain? - I remind myself that the detachment I'm aiming for is not the same as the one he has.

It takes time to detach. That sounds trite, but it's true. There is no accelerator pedal. You're just going to have to keep going until you get there. What helped me was to keep myself occupied with different activities, to make myself socialise with other people even when I didn't feel like it, and to get myself into the fresh air as much as possible. Sometimes I just wanted to curl up under my quilt and cry, and sometimes I gave myself that, but most of the time I would respond to the urge by going out for a walk. Music helps. Eating good nutritious food helps, and making time for other forms of self-care - I booked a hair appointment for myself not long after the discard, which is something I hardly ever do. Little things like that can help you to feel better and put your focus on your life as it is now. Having a routine is very important, to keep yourself fixed in the present and to prevent you from getting sucked too much into the past. But the most important thing is to accept that you're going to need to wait this out.

[Mars22]

Hey Mels, I'm just about at 2 months here since the crazy discard. It really feels like time has slowed down a bit for me. I can't offer you much better advice then I'm sure you are reading in here, in the forums or perhaps on internet. Admittedly, I've had set backs where I look at her Instagram site to see where she is and who she's with. Sadly, it only serves to give my already busy mind new material to obsess about. I'm learning how unhealthy that can be. So, please also know that this is also part of remaining NC. I also have a years worth of text messages I would read. As, she would rage at me all the time as, true in-persons communication was not ever possible for us. These 'text memories' serve now to remind me why a true healthy relationship just was not possible for us, given her BPD traits. What I'm now realizing is my issue with not being able to 'Let go" seems to still to be stuck in the "What if" phase. So, now that I identified this, I'm focusing on dispelling that irrational belief. As, its the main source of my obsession and is holding me back. Can you identify what you find yourself getting "stuck' on? Perhaps we both need to take care of these one at a time.

So, what I've been doing is reading over all the old text messages and can clearly now see in plan text that she had serious problems on all levels. "What if she wasn't like this?"... I as myself. - Impossible. It's been a tome of information for me to see from the 'outside' now. And jeez, I said all the wrong things!  Yes, there are some truly lovely moments in there too but... as always they were fleeting and she would go south on me pretty quickly. I can't believe I accepted it but, I loved her and she needed my help... .or so I thought anyway.

So my observation is this Mels —What if they weren't afflicted or what if you stayed together and lived the rest of your life with a BPD sufferer? Both seem particularly no good.

[bus boy]

Hey Mel's

This long weekend will mark 1 year since I slept with the devil. It was a very long, painful year with lots of tears. On the flip side, lots of growing, I have s9 back in my life. I questioned letting go and how does this letting go work. Lots of T, lots of prayers, forgiving, letting go of resentment, being impeccable with your word. I read the 4 agreements, I looked at myself and used the BPD family. It's a process, what I'm saying worked for me. When I got it, I got it. Many small light bulb moments that all added up over time. Not reacting, not defending myself, very limited contact.

[married21years]

hi the only way for me to detach was to get the truth

once i got the truth i realised i was lied to all along and i realised there was no future!

the truth set me free, she denied all the affairs even after getting caught.

i cought her telling someone else, i have it in writing the truth made me see the light

i am so angry but free 

[joeramabeme]

Mels, No easy answer or quick fix for letting go.  Seems for most of us time is a big healer along with therapy and finding a place like BPD Family to learn about and discuss our BP relations.

My ex-BPDw moved out last July and we divorced in December after 15 years together.  It has been extremely difficult and I have been to the edge and am now back. 

Of all the things that I think has helped me to let go two come to top of mind. 

One, I kept learning; not just about BPD, but how those traits explicitly played out in my marriage - this took a lot of reading and therapy.  I couldn't see it at first, but as more time went by, I did.

Two, acknowledging that no matter which way I played out the fantasy about her and I staying together, the outcome was always the same - she would not stay with the marriage b/c she refused to look at herself.  She put the ultimate checkmate on our marriage by forcing me into therapy to learn about myself which in turn changed me in a way that I could no longer be the whipping boy.  Classic BPD, engineered no-win situations.

Keep posting, keep reading.

[bus boy]

Hi Joeramabeme, your last paragraph is identical what happened to me.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Joeramabeme, your last paragraph is identical what happened to me.

Would be curious to hear more details about what happened in your story. 

Mine kept telling me that I was treating her like my mother and she was nothing at all like her.  On the surface, my ex was very correct - nothing at all like my Mother who had many severe emotional and traumatic issues.  However, below the surface, she was very similar in her relational style and triggered all the childhood issues that had never been resolved.  In summary, the childhood issues were a Mom that could go from very loving to very mean without a segue to join events and no segue afterwards. 

This took me into therapy where I learned I had cPTSD and there were a lot of ghosts living in my fears.  As I slowly began to resolve the ghosts, other issues in my life began to clear up.  Even while doing therapy I began to think through the idea that some of the insights I was having that changed my relationship to my family would also chnage my relationship to her.  She kept telling me that she would never quit working on the marriage and that she was happy so why wasn't I?  Then suddenly she shifted and said she was never happy and that there was nothing more she could do and there was no path forward for us and of course, everything was about my integrity, honesty and especially trustworthiness.

So - looks like I hijacked the this thread - sorry.  Feel free to start a new one or PM me.

Best - JRB

[HarleypsychRN]

Mels,

Fortunately, I was in a short (but intense) relationship so detaching (always hard) wasn't what some folks here have to deal with... .let me turn the question around to you.

How can you not detach.

They are incapable of a healthy relationship. They either take you down or you get out... .it's that simple. No contact (I know how hard that is believe me)... .is the ONLY way. I know your pain, I've felt it. They will destroy you emotionally if you remain dangling on their hook.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[JQ]

Hello Mels,

I'm feel for you going through his process of letting go & detaching from your exBPD. You've received some good guidance here from others and that's what it is guidance.  Everyone is different so what worked for one of us might not work for anyone else. YOU have to give yourself permission to move forward in your life. YOU have to be the one to take the first step on a new path. lets not kid ourselves, it isn't easy moving forward from a BPD r/s, but it's a requirement in our life to find out more about ourselves and to live a happier more fulfilling life! And I, WE all know you can do it!        

Let me ask you a question.  We ALL have that one love in early in our life that was "the one" but for whatever reason it didn't work out. It might be your first boyfriend, your first kiss,  your first " " , now your not with them, you probably don't know where they are or what they're doing or how their life has turned out.  SOO, the question is, how did you get past them?

I would say that certainly time does help. A really good T that is very experienced with BPD/Codependent r/s is helpful.  Getting out and exploring - living life is a great thing to do.  Why should you stop living your life because a person is mentally ill had a part in your life that is no longer a part in your life. I know simple thing to say right?

Your thinking about the good things, good moments and not really the bad things in the r/s maybe is why your still at this stage.  I know guys, a BPD/Care Giver r/s is a INTENSE/AMAZING/SOUL PARTNER/etc. etc. etc. type of r/s. I get that, been there, have the scares to show it.  But when it really boils down to a real ... .REAL r/s was your mentally ill BPD a good fit for you?  

Were they a good parent or possible good parent?  When you aren't having those weekend in bed moments how was day to day life?  id you like them talking about their ex bfs/gfs sexual encounters from their past?  id you like them telling you about your imperfections? Did you like those moments of raging or suicide talks? Did you like coming home to the unknown of either Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde and how the rest of the evening was going to go? Do you remember your Christmas, birthday, anniversary, vacation that was a total disaster? Do you like that fact that you had to seek out guidance, friends, via this forum? Did you like all the infidelities?  id you like spending hours upon hours thinking about the right thing to say or what NOT to say in order not to trigger them?  id you like being mistreated, emotionally, mentally, physically abused constantly? Did you like that fact that perhaps you've lost everything in your life. Maybe family, maybe friends, maybe a life however dull & mundane it was is now gone filled with pain, self doubt, loneliness. He/she is mentally ill, the fact the r/s didn't work out has NOTHING to do with YOU!  They will be forever broke beyond repair regardless how long and how hard you try to fix it.  3 C's of BPD, YOU didn't Cause it, YOU can't Control it, YOU can't Cure it.

Did you like that fact that you had to seek out a good Therapist to help you get through this moment in your life? This is a moment in your life, how long it last depends on you.

You will get past this moment in your life and learn to be with someone again. If you have too, put up sticky notes around the house like the fridge, the bathroom mirror, somewhere you'll see it everyday.  If it helps putting a negative things (like what i mentioned earlier)  on it to remind you that this person was not a good life match for you then do it.  But I think you and most of us here in the forums are a "glass 1/2 full" kind of people so put positive things on them to help you through your day.

Examples, "The only difference between a good day & a bad day is your attitude", " When you have bad things happen you have 3 choices, you can either let if define you, let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you", "live a happy & positive life", "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain",  "Everyday is a 2nd chance", "Positive Mind, Positive Vibes, Positive Life", "Nothing is Impossible, the word itself is I'm Possible", "You can't start the next chapter in your life if you keep reading the last one", "Let that sh!t go", "My only limit is me".

Listen to some of your favorite music to put you in a good frame of mind ... .maybe these video's will help too.

"The most important life lesson I've ever learned is this, sometimes people leave, and sometimes unexpectedly, take a deep breath, morn the lost and start living again." Levi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&list=PLis612o11vlmSOWMOL6pKyFRRsO43VxdO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

And certainly keep coming to the group to help you talk through your thoughts, we kinda like you, everyone do the "WAVE"          

J

[reincarnate93]

I'm 7 months into my recovery and I didn't get over her until I saw her for what she was... .a lying, manipulate snake.

[Mels]

Thank you all for your replies. It's really helpful reading about your experiences and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Mels]

Hello Mels,

   

Let me ask you a question.  We ALL have that one love in early in our life that was "the one" but for whatever reason it didn't work out. It might be your first boyfriend, your first kiss,  your first " " , now your not with them, you probably don't know where they are or what they're doing or how their life has turned out.  SOO, the question is, how did you get past them?


       

J

Thank you for this. I needed it. 

What makes this even harder than it is that he is that first love of my life. The first man I truly fell in love with. The first man I was in love with. I had serious relationships in the past, but our story started when I was 22 years old. Fast forward to almost a decade later and here I am. Content with what has transpired. I needed this. But I also find it extremely hard to let go of the potential. The idea of what we could've had. Deep down I know that he was incapable of being that partner, but it doesn't make the process any easier.

[Mels]

Mels,

Fortunately, I was in a short (but intense) relationship so detaching (always hard) wasn't what some folks here have to deal with... .let me turn the question around to you.

How can you not detach.

They are incapable of a healthy relationship. They either take you down or you get out... .it's that simple. No contact (I know how hard that is believe me)... .is the ONLY way. I know your pain, I've felt it. They will destroy you emotionally if you remain dangling on their hook.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

I wholeheartedly agree. He texted me today asking about my weekend. I did not reply. He was supposed to send me our separation agreement. He made no mention of that. I feel like he's oblivious and calculated as the same time. He is not a stupid person so I'm having a very hard time wrapping my head around his idiotic behaviour.

[Mels]

hi the only way for me to detach was to get the truth

once i got the truth i realised i was lied to all along and i realised there was no future!

the truth set me free, she denied all the affairs even after getting caught.

i cought her telling someone else, i have it in writing the truth made me see the light

i am so angry but free 

That's where I am at the moment. If he were to finally set the record straight, tell me the truth about everything, tell me if he had cheated in the past, tell me why he treated me the way he did, why he blamed me for everything, etc. It would be easier to move on. In the same breath, I know that I will never get those answers from him.

[Mels]

Mels, No easy answer or quick fix for letting go.  Seems for most of us time is a big healer along with therapy and finding a place like BPD Family to learn about and discuss our BP relations.

Two, acknowledging that no matter which way I played out the fantasy about her and I staying together, the outcome was always the same - she would not stay with the marriage b/c she refused to look at herself. 

This was and still is my husband. For the past 3 years he continuously threatened to leave until one day I gathered the courage to stay... .go.

Every single thing was my fault. I was blamed for EVERYTHING. It became comical in the last 15 months. He can't even be accountable about the demise of our marriage, something he wanted. He tells people that WE  tried to make it work by going to counselling. When in fact, we went once, the counsellor said he was a narcissistic sociopath that needed to work on himself. It was something that would require a lot of therapy, but if he was willing to put the work in, we can survive. He asked him "Are you in or are you out?" ... .he said, "I'm out." This doesn't = we tried to make it work.

The lack of accountability in every aspect of his life is something that I will never understand.