4 months nc and working on my co-dependence issues

[sflearnignbpd]

Hi all,

After my wife and I separated I had a friend move in with me to help with bills(since I am broke and in debt) and the responsibilities of my 3 month old puppy.  I had a very clear conversation about what I expected of the living situation.  He was expected to pay rent and help out around the house.  I explained that I did not want to be around alcohol for a long time, because I wanted to work on myself in a healthy way and not drown my sorrows at the bar.  He knows he is an alcoholic and vowed to quit drinking because he needed to.  I did not drink for the first 2 months, but he kept trying to drag me down with him.  I feel like I transferred my co-dependence problems into our friendship.  I would leave town on business and he would go on a bender for several days and treat me like his parent.  He would then quit drinking and say he never wanted to drink again so he could stay.  The cycle continued every week for the past few months.  I finally took his keys last week and told him he was not welcome here.  I had trouble processing what was going on with him and what happened with my ex at the same time.

I am hoping that this is a step on my path to recovery.  I really just want peace and calmness for me and the puppy.   I kept telling him that, but it has been a chaotic circle.  I know that I made the right decision with him.  I know I made the right decision with my wife, but I feel an emptiness when I throw people out of my life and go NC.  I am learning that it is the best for me and know that removing the toxicity will allow for positive people to enter my life. 

I just needed to vent.

This board has helped me to cope a lot.  I don't type out my thoughts much, but reading stories and seeing that everyone here has dealt with the same issues has been great for my recovery.  My puppy has been too.  He gives me something very positive to focus on.  I have been on a few positive dates.  I know that trust or the ability to commit to a relationship are not options right now, but it feels good to meet people and spend the evening searching for red flags.    I probably need to find a therapist next so that I can continue on my path to recovery. 

Thank you all for being here. 

[Ahoy]

Mate you are probably throwing up healthy boundaries for the first time in many years. It's going to take time and effort to get used to this and to feel comfortable. If he was not towing his weight and not respecting your rules in your own house absolutely you did the right thing!

I'm going to be going into a similar situation as yours very shortly, I'm looking forward to using it to learn to set up my own health boundaries, and I will also happily enforce them if needed.

I would say this was a few good steps forward for you, even if you feel bad =)

[KarmasReal]

I agree! Sounds like you're really going about your life in a healthy way. I've seen many people here fall into depression, alcohol, drugs, pleading for their ex. And, I'm not judging, coping and dealing with things like this is extremely difficult. But your positive and steadfast attitude after these things have happened is an inspiration. You see the negatives of what you could be dragged into and you said no and made a stand! Congrats on having these boundaries and self respect they will help you immensely!

Like my fellow poster said, if your friend is following the rules or helping you out, he's no friend at all really, be done with him! I see you're dealing with co dependency do I know it's hard but in the long run you know it's better for you and where you're trying to get to.

You seem very self aware, knowing that dating and relationships isn't possible for you right now (I wish I had your self awareness).

I think the key is if you're co defendant at least keep it healthy, depend on your puppy, your positive dates, not alcoholics or BPD's. I think a therapist is a fine idea I've started seeing one, suggestion is to find one who's familiar with BPD's and their relationships! I see your relationship is only separated as of now, are you being as healthy with your wife as you are in the rest of your life?

[sflearnignbpd]

Thanks Ahoy!

It does feel good to have peace and not let people walk all over me.

Karmasreal,

I have been truly no contact for 3 months.  She left social media logged in on a computer and I checked to see how quickly she replaced me.  I am not surprised now that she was talking to and hooking up with several guys within the month that I checked.  I decided to log out of the computer and delete all messages after beating myself up for a few weeks.  I have not spoken to her in 4 months.  She sent an email that just said "You are an ass" in March.  It was from a mutual friends account, but he showed me that it came from her country and her ISP in gmail.  It must have still been logged in on her IPad.  It was definitely her. 

The paperwork was filed in January.  Fortunately her father is rational.  He forced her to file for divorce and return home after hearing a little of our story.  He has been the one taking care of her and her son for many years, so he definitely understands.  The divorce will be over in mid July due to the 6 month waiting period.

I think I have been scared to talk about specifics due to the site being semi-public, but don't know why.  She would never look for this site due to the fact that in her mind she doesn't have a problem and is too busy with my replacements.