How do you trust again?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been out of my BPD relationship for almost two years. I have rebuilt my life, went to therapy, am hanging out with friends, and I started dating again. I really do enjoy my life. My question is how do you trust someone again?  I met this great new person that I really like. He has given me no reason to not trust him. Yet when I saw a Facebook post that an exgf and his ex wife commented on it totally freaked me out. I had fear running through ever vien in my body. I don't like that feeling. I know he is not my exBPD but how do you open yourself up to someone new and trust them?  I am scared to death of getting hurt again.

[willtimeheal]

I have been out of my BPD relationship for almost two years. I have rebuilt my life, went to therapy, am hanging out with friends, and I started dating again. I really do enjoy my life. My question is how do you trust someone again?  I met this great new person that I really like. He has given me no reason to not trust him. Yet when I saw a Facebook post that an exgf and his ex wife commented on it totally freaked me out. I had fear running through ever vien in my body. I don't like that feeling. I know he is not my exBPD but how do you open yourself up to someone new and trust them?  I am scared to death of getting hurt again.

[joeramabeme]

Hi willtimeheal,

I think the best answer I have heard to this question is from my T that was counseling me on the fear I had about my marriage.  She told me that I was afraid of what was going on because I did not trust myself; even though I always framed the fear as I could not trust my wife.  Specifically, once I could trust myself my fear about her would dissipate because I knew I was an adult and could handle my own feelings.

As it relates to emotional hurts, if you know where your boundaries are and are comfortable enforcing and honoring them, no one can take you to a place that you do not want to go.  That is not to say that things won't happen that are painful.  But if you are aware of your steps as you take them, weighing out the pros and cons as you move forward; you are not likely to find yourself suddenly taken by surprise like you probably were with your ex BPD.  I think in this way, our r/s with BPD-styled people has the ability to make us stronger in that we can learn how to be more fully adult and responsible for our own decisions and feelings.

Take some small measured steps forward and then stop for a bit and check in with yourself.  Be open and honest about where your boundaries are and watch how your partner responds to your wishes.

I would be interested in hearing more as I have yet to get to the dating phase as I still heal from the wounds... .

JRB

[boatman]

Hi Willtimeheal,

I agree with what JRB said regarding checking in with yourself and honoring your own boundaries. I'm quite sure that even if I was completely healed and feeling very trustworthy, I wouldn't be willing to endure my gf being in contact with her ex's. It works for some people, which is fine, but it doesn't work for me, which is also okay. Perhaps you just have to decide what works for you?

Peace and continued healing  

Boatman

[Herodias]

From all I have read, we need to trust people and be open to new people until they show us we can't. We know all the red flags now. I feel like I don't trust myself. But if we never open up and give people a chance, we let our exes destroy our chance at happiness. I'm afraid too and just have not put myself out there at all. It's very hard... .I think we just need to give people the benefit of the doubt and take things really slow.

[Grey Kitty]

My question is how do you trust someone again?

I feel like I don't trust myself.

I think that is the answer. Work on trusting yourself.

Trust that you know the red flags you ignored last time 'round, and you will choose better this time.

Trust that you will survive being hurt again, should it happen. (The flaming ruins of a BPD r/s are one of the hardest things out there, and you've survived that at least once!)

And with the new person in your life, trust but verify, and take it slowly... .trust him to do right. Also trust your feelings.

There is nothing wrong with your feelings regarding his exes. You get to have feelings, and they aren't rational things; the stuff you are afraid of may or may not actually exist, but the feelings are real. The key is your actions--It would be wrong (i.e. mess up your r/s) to blow up at him for wanting to cheat on you with his exes now.

Be vulnerable--You are concerned about his exw and exgf. Can you say something to him about it that YOUR feelings are all over the place about this, and you are trying really hard NOT to take it out on him, as they are your feelings... .and you want to let him know in case you get a little weird over it.

And yes, being vulnerable and sharing those feelings with him requires just what you are having trouble finding--trust.

A conversation about it gives him an opportunity to reassure you or respond in some way. Let us know what he says... .There are many possibilities, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yet when I saw a Facebook post that an exgf and his ex wife commented on it totally freaked me out. I had fear running through every vein in my body. I don't like that feeling.

The trauma you experienced with your borderline ex got retriggered by that Facebook post, a normal response to a traumatic experience, and not necessarily rooted in reality, it goes to the deepest part of you, beyond reason.  That will be there, as are all our past traumas, it's a matter of realizing it, feeling it, and most importantly managing it.

how do you open yourself up to someone new and trust them?

By talking to him about it and expressing true vulnerability, which takes courage.  Don't know about you, but if I'd done that with my borderline ex it would have been met with projection and gaslighting, I would have felt worse, much worse, but most people aren't like that, and we heal in relationship with others.  This is a great opportunity really, an opportunity to let fly with your deepest vulnerability, because you say so, for the sake of doing it yes, but also to see what reaction you get.  We're really good at spotting crap at this point, and if this new guy is a quality human your vulnerability will be met with compassion, empathy, validation and acceptance, which will go a long way towards building intimacy between you.  And if it's met with crap, you now know what to do about it.  We look forward to updates... .

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Learn to trust yourself again. I have self doubts because when I look back I ask myself how I did not see those gigantic red flags waving in the wind? 

Below are from the Moscow Rules that I adapted (I do not assume these to be universal truths):

1. Assume nothing.

2. Never go against your gut.

3. Everyone is potentially wrong.

4. You are not completely alone with your problems.

5. Do not make yourself an easy target.

6. Vary your strategies and stay within your boundaries.

7. Do not fall into a sense of complacency.

8. Don't harass your opponents.

9. Pick the time and place for action.

10. Keep your options open.

[balletomane]

Not too long ago I was feeling that I would never trust again, at least not enough to get into a romantic relationship, but things are changing. Mainly I've been learning to trust just through trusting. For instance, when a good friend from my undergrad days suddenly had a lot less time for me because a girlfriend had arrived on the scene, I was hurt, especially as he'd been having a difficult couple of years with his studies and I'd given him a lot of support in that time. I sent him a short message that gently but clearly expressed that hurt and asked him to make time to talk to me more often. This situation was very painful for me because it played into my feelings about being used and unwanted, generated by my BPD ex's treatment of me. Telling my friend how I felt was a risk - I had been so terrified by my BPD ex's reactions that I rarely dared to be honest with him.

My friend replied within minutes, with a short but very sincere apology. He said he realised I was right, and he hadn't been very fair, and he was sorry. He immediately arranged a time to Skype. And that was it. No earthquakes. No venomous comments. Our ten-year-old friendship continues as it always has.

It was little things like this that got me trusting again - when I did something that I needed to do in spite of my fear, and my fears turned out not to be justified. Another example was when I spilled a bit of Dr Pepper in another friend's car. That was the sort of thing my ex would have exploded at me for. I got sweaty palms and an increased heartrate and I was gabbling an apology as I frantically tried to mop it up. Inside I was berating myself for being stupid. But my friend just said not to worry about it and carried on our conversation as though it was no big deal. And then I realised to most people a small spillage wouldn't be a big deal. Reflecting on my friend's calm reaction, I was able to see more clearly how my ex's behaviour had affected me, conditioning me to expect unreasonable angry responses from everyone. Every time a fear wasn't justified, I made a little mental note, and gradually I could feel my confidence and trust coming back.

[eeks]

Hi willtimeheal,

I agree with the advice you've gotten so far, to talk to him about it using language that owns your feelings (e.g. "When you did x, I felt y" rather than "you made me feel x".   And, I would say that if he is emotionally mature, talking to him about this may actually increase the degree of emotional intimacy and trust between you. 

It's a fine art, distinguishing between emotional triggers that are just holdovers from a past relationship, vs. the twinge of true intuition, that tells you there's something going on.

For instance, I met someone recently who I... .just had this feeling, fairly early on, that he was unreliable.  It wasn't anything specific that he said or did.  We made friends, I had a feeling (correct) that he was attracted to me, but my sense that he was unreliable genuinely made me hold back a bit.  And sure, some people might say this could be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but he asked me if I wanted to go to a small house party/concert after a class that we both attended, he said he would meet me at the subway station, and then he just didn't show up!  I had to text him to find out he had "decided not to go"! 

If I were in your situation, and I asked the man in a way that used good communication skills, and he still got defensive/angry, that's a red flag (doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating or wants to keep one or more exes on the back burner, but the response suggests emotional immaturity).  Other than that... .just... .pay attention to how you feel when he answers. 

So, to summarize my answer to your question, how do you trust again?

1) Tune in (I suspect that mind-body awareness practices help with this, like yoga or meditation)

2) When you get a "feeling", pay attention and ask questions.  And if it's early on in the relationship, put the brakes on a little bit till you know more.