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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2016, 05:55:34 AM » |
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That's a good question, and I think the answer- could anyone have helped would depend on the situation. I think one factor would be- is the person asking for advice? I think if not, it may not help. Denial and secrecy can be factors, and an outsider threatening the relationship could be considered in persecutor role in the drama triangle.
I replied to you on the parents board, but I learned about the idea of intergenerational influence on who we choose for relationships from dealing with issues in my marriage. My mother has BPD, and my H is very different from her. Yet, we had issues that resembled some of the ones between my parents. This was a mystery to me, so I started reading. I didn't arrive at BPD right away, but began with reading about relationships in general, and came across some interesting ideas.
One is that we are attracted to, and attract, people who match a certain dysfunction/emotional maturity in us- a dysfunction that was somehow- in some way, played out in our families of origin- and we tend to play that out in our current relationships.
That was interesting to me, because, I knew my family was dysfunctional, but to me, my H and his family looked "normal". However, there is a spectrum of dysfunction, - people can have milder BPD/NPD traits to varying degrees. Other issues such as alcoholism, and other addictions can result in similar family patterns, and one I was not aware of: codependency can create issues too. Another important concept to me that I learned about is boundaries.
I perceived my father as the normal one, victim of my BPD mother. It wasn't until I could see my own co-dependent behaviors ( which I learned as "normal" growing up) were contributing to the issues in my marriage that I began to see my father as responsible for his choices. He wasn't her victim, he was her rescuer, and this dynamic between them resulted in a strong bond, one that was stronger than any other relationship.
As much as you are wondering about your son, I wondered about my father. It didn't make sense to me either. He was intelligent, hard working, responsible and successful man. Yet my mother's will ruled our home. It appeared she was in control of everything- much like your DIL and he complied. What I did see was that this didn't happen all at once, but in increments of his appeasing her until it became a long term pattern. He did stand up to her in the beginning, and we kids saw these raging fights, but eventually he settled on appeasement as a way to buy a moment of peace. This doesn't work- but the pattern is not likely to change in the pwBPD. It changes when the person has had enough and seeks help.
That's how it happened with me. I grew up as a rescuer/appeaser, and didn't know any different, but at one point, I had enough and sought out counseling.
However, my father was resistant to advice for the duration of his relationship. When we sibs were kids and our parents argued, we were afraid of them divorcing, but as we got to be teens ( and teens know everything- right? ) we even told him to get a divorce. We really thought she was the bad guy and he was the good guy here- as kids would think. But as we became adults, and my father's health began to fail, I did naively try to "rescue" him and ended up on their drama triangle as "persecutor". It was then that asked my father's remaining relatives about their early relationship and if any of them ever tried to do this, and I learned that they had concerns about my mother from the get go, and my father limited contact with them.
My father was madly in love with my mother. She was beautiful and is still an attractive woman for her age. There is an article on this site about how a relationship with a BPD starts and I believe this is how my parents got together as well. I have seen my mother at her best, and at her worst, and her best is amazing. Even as kids we would do anything to have "good mommy" appear - not the same interactions as with my dad, but when she was happy, she was just great to have around, and when she was not, well, somehow my father chose the whole package.
It makes sense to ask about your DIL and to be puzzled about your son's choice, because I felt this way as well, but in time I realized that my father had to be at least as co-dependent/rescuer/enabling as she was disordered. You mentioned your son being her prince/rescuer, and that was the role my father chose. While it may not be easy to see, one question to ask is- where is this pattern in your family? Because to change the pattern, someone has to change their behavior patterns, and this is where I became very motivated to work on this as it was an opportunity to change the patterns with my parents, my H and my children. While it may be too late to influence your son's choice of a partner, it is never too late to role model different behaviors- for everyone.
IMHO, giving your son any "advice" is risking him putting distance between the two of you. If I knew what I know now when I tried to "rescue" my father, I would have sought out professional advice first ( a T) because I was not aware of the bigger picture- drama triangle, family dysfunction. But also because seeing someone you love in this situation from the outside is hurtful. You love your son, and it is instinct to want to help, but by "helping" you might risk him turning away from you.
I think it is great that you asked, because understanding what is going on is helpful. I hope other posters share their story. While my focus is on my own behaviors, I was interested in how my FOO influenced them, not to blame them but to understand myself better.
Another interesting point that I read is that if someone does not understand their part in the dynamics, they are likely to choose a similar situation with whoever they choose to be with. I realized that the issues in my marriage were a result of my choices too. If, hypothetically, someone had said " he has a problem" and I had listened, then I think I would not have done the work on my part, and would likely have continued to repeat them in my relationship or another one. In general, I think that when someone arrives at the decision to look at themselves is when they are receptive to advice about their behaviors and choices.
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