Not sure where to go from here

[Depression = 72% of members]

I live 15 hours away from my BPD mother and we were estranged on and off for the past 13 years.  For the last 3 years we have been having a "polite"  relationship with no real troubles.  A few days ago a family member called me concerned because my mother had insinuated my partner was controlling/abusive because I always get off the phone with her when I get home/am with him.  Part of my relationship boundary with her has been ending phone calls when she is ranting, otherwise I'm on the phone for an hour listening to how terrible everyone is.  I assured my family member that my partner and I are happy and healthy.  I tried to address it by telling my mother my getting off the phone is because I am quite busy and don't enjoy being on the phone for long periods of time.  She flew off the handle.  She told me in a nutshell that I'm the problem and I cause all her life drama.  I am so tired of hearing about her telling others negative things about me and my partner.  I'm tired of trying to have a relationship with someone who I don't much care for and who was extremely abusive to me throughout my childhood and into my adult life.  If I don't call once a week or so instead of calling me,  she will mention it to family members.  If I don't call I don't hear from her.  Should I pull back and maintain that distance so that I don't get pulled back in?

[Tireddaughter]

I live 15 hours away from my BPD mother and we were estranged on and off for the past 13 years.  For the last 3 years we have been having a "polite"  relationship with no real troubles.  A few days ago a family member called me concerned because my mother had insinuated my partner was controlling/abusive because I always get off the phone with her when I get home/am with him.  Part of my relationship boundary with her has been ending phone calls when she is ranting, otherwise I'm on the phone for an hour listening to how terrible everyone is.  I assured my family member that my partner and I are happy and healthy.  I tried to address it by telling my mother my getting off the phone is because I am quite busy and don't enjoy being on the phone for long periods of time.  She flew off the handle.  She told me in a nutshell that I'm the problem and I cause all her life drama.  I am so tired of hearing about her telling others negative things about me and my partner.  I'm tired of trying to have a relationship with someone who I don't much care for and who was extremely abusive to me throughout my childhood and into my adult life.  If I don't call once a week or so instead of calling me,  she will mention it to family members.  If I don't call I don't hear from her.  Should I pull back and maintain that distance so that I don't get pulled back in?

[Turkish]

How much do the family members know about your mother's behaviors? BPD families often keep secrets, even the nuclear family, hidden from the extended one. It's not that you should feel responsible to keep putting up the Dutiful Daughter front, I'm trying to gague how much pressure is on you.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Tireddaughter,

For people with BPD, feelings=facts. You will not be able to change how your mother feels about why you end phone calls, or what she says to other people about those feelings. You do get to control how you respond if extended family get involved as rescuers/fixers when you haven't asked for help. It sounds like you handled the situation well by explaining you're very happy in your marriage. I don't think you have to explain yourself to anyone, but sometimes I find it helpful to say something along the lines of, "Yeah, Mom experiences reality differently than I do," and that usually is enough. It's up to you how much contact you want with your mother.

Wishing you peace,

PF