Traumatised and struggling with painful emotions

[Larmoyant]

Like all of us here I’ve endured a chaotic and very painful break-up. I ended it, but still remained open to talking about our problems for a while. I tried, but he became enraged whenever I mentioned an issue that needed resolving and it seemed to me that he just wanted to pick up where we left off.

He then told me that he would be forced to start dating others which he subsequently did. So it was my fault that he had to date others. He played with my emotions for a while though, not giving me a straight answer one way or the other until eventually he owned up and said he’d “tried” to move on. Whilst trying to work it out with me  :'( 

That was it for me. The thought of him being with other women was/is painful and if he thought that would make me want him again he was very, very wrong. It’s just the opposite.

It seems I reached my ‘enough’ moment, but I’m left struggling with all these painful emotions trying to work it all out. How come I let this deranged person bulldoze my life? My therapist tells me that I’m traumatised and it will take time. She says I will have a life again. That it's not ruined beyond redemption. I’m holding on to the idea that it will get better. I’m not even aiming for a ‘happy’ life just a peaceful, stable life where I’m not hurting every day trying to cope with being someone’s punching bag. But my feelings are all over the place. I think it's because he's finally gone or seems to have.There are times when I'd forgive anything to have him back, but then sense/reason takes over and I know I couldn't take any more of it.

The last thing he wrote to me was “My life is great” with an added smiley face. It hurt. Is his life great? How come he wanted to work it out with me, but then started looking for/dating other women? I just don’t get it. Is it because he sensed that I’d reached the end of my rope? Was he intentionally trying to hurt me? Was he trying to avoid the possibility that he’d be on his own again? Can he just go on with his life as if I never existed? Is he hurting even a little bit? Did I ever matter? Will I ever stop crying? Can I do this, can I get over this? My heart and soul has been crushed.

[patientandclear]

I've spent a lot of time feeling as you're recounting here. The other women and the apparent ability to enter a zone where none of this hurts is really disorienting and so painful, I know.

The smiley face is probably reflective of how he wants his life to be now. He will try to use coping strategies to make himself feel better--it's what most of us do, it's just that some of the coping strategies are more destructive than others.

My ex often reported after he moved from our city that things were good! Later, however, he  shared that  he was actually unhappy and panicked much of the time. It's just that he kept coming up with theories of how it was going to get better, and though they did not work for more than a distracting moment, while he was planning them he felt hopeful.

It's heartbreaking that he is not able to show up and engage with you on making things better in your established, valuable relationship. Shame, projection, fear of loss, fantasy-based ideals of how love is supposed to feel ... .They all make it very hard. He may not have the skills to do what is necessary at this point in your r/ship.

I'm so sorry it's so painful. I've been there and often still feel that way.

[steelwork]

A few particulars aside, this feels so familiar. Just try to accept that he is fronting to himself with the      because he does not know how else to handle it. It does not reflect his "true" feelings any more than the other confused, frantic things he's done.

Keep dealing with your trauma. It is real. (Traumatic stress showed up on my rorschach ink blot results!)

[Lifewriter16]

I think this business about saying life is great is pure denial on their part. My BPDxbf frequently emailed his therapist and other support worker to tell them how well he was doing. He didn't email to ask for support. He never told his therapist about the post traumatic stress symptoms, or seeing things that weren't there or having conversations with invisible people room or about all the problems we were having in our relationship. He didn't tell his doctor either. It's not real. I think they need to project that they are coping and that they are doing great because they just daren't face the truth themselves.

Lifewriter x

[harleyquinn]

Larmoyant... .pretty much everything you typed there is how I am. I walked out on my ex after a horrible day of arguing over why I didn't answer my phone when I was driving. Tried to tell him I needed space which I was then rewarded with him taking an overdose then two weeks later he's in a new relationship and he's the reformed optimist and I'm the toxic trouble causer... .

Big huge hugs. I guess these things take time. But this isn't a reflection on you as a person. You just loved someone who coukdn't handle that... .in time you'll be able to give that love to someone who does deserve it.  

[Larmoyant]

Thank you so much for these responses. They help me feel understood and not alone. I feel like I’ve reached rock bottom at the moment, or at least I hope it won’t get worse than this. I broke up with him last Jan/Feb and it’s been a long, difficult process because he never let up, but he’s gone now and the silence has hit me hard. I don’t think I’m ever going to hear from him again. It’s what I wanted because I just couldn’t take any more push/pull, rages or the devaluation. I’ve been emotionally ripped apart like many of us and it’s hard to know which way to turn to try to pick up the pieces, but now it’s finally over it’s really hit me. I feel as if I’m all alone in the world, and I’m so fearful of everything. I don’t feel safe anymore. The bubbly, confident, attractive person I was 2 years or so ago just doesn’t exist anymore. Truly, sometimes I feel as if my life is over, but maybe I’m just feeling the loss full-on because he’s stopped trying. Is there anything I can do to help myself? Sometimes the pain feels unbearable. I've internalised all the hateful things he used to say and I don't know how to get those terrible things he said and did out of my head.


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[Herodias]

I'm right there with you too... , it's just awful. I should have left mine when I was at the two year point if not sooner. I stayed for 9 years of trauma. It is trama and we need time to heal. You may benefit from reading about the narcisstic side of this illness. Mine wrote me all kinds of notes of how much happier he was without me. Last Christmas I got a lovely e-mail stating, "Best Xmas I have ever had without you in my life, thank you"... , now how mature is that? And how happy did that sound? They are coping the only way they know how. They know things are bad and they have to run- they can't face the shame and wouldn't think much of you for sticking around anyway. Time to move on. They will miss you and always regret it, from what he told me. Off to ruin someone's else's life because they have to be with someone and can not be alone- sadly  all we can do is come up with a plan to get out, a plan to get better and a plan to move on. Sure seems difficult! But must be done. We have to make a life for ourselves. It will be much better if we can get going. He's already long gone-divorce in 4 weeks I am ready!take the time to cry and grieve. I was so busy trying to act like I was doing the right thing and being the tough one, I didn't take the time to feel the pain. Of all things, Culture Club music helped me. Do whatever it takes. Stay busy... .Stay strong.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Herodias, I would not wish this pain on anyone, but knowing that I'm not alone and that others are pushing through it is encouraging and gives me hope that I can do the same so whilst I'm truly sorry that you are in pain,thank you for taking the time to write. Sometimes it feels as if I'm hanging on by a thread, but I've felt like that for a long, long time now. It's like I started out with 10 good strong, solid threads and he came along and one by one cut them down, all my lifelines, most of my family, friends,job, career, all gone but I've still got one left! Just one, and I'm clinging on for dear life!

I seriously rue the day that I let that man in my life. My therapist is trying to get me to dig deep and find the anger, but I seem to have internalised it, turned it on myself instead of where it belongs. You mention NPD and my ex fits the description to a tee, along with BPD and even some AS traits. It's all so cruel and unnecessary. Do these people like knowing that they've hurt us so much, ruined our lives? Reflecting on all the chaos it seems to me that part of him did, gave him a sense of power/control or something. He used to drop a bomb on me then sit back and watch me cry with a curious expression on his face. The memory of that makes me feel angry and I can feel it just under the surface. I can feel my anger rising. I hope it does as I want this yearning to go away.

[Lifewriter16]

I don't know what to say. You describe so much pain and so much loss so eloquently. I want to send you a hug, you are not alone. I am also facing the reality of the final end and it is an empty place.

Know that the one thread is a good and solid one that can bear your weight and will hold you safely. Imagine yourself securely held by it. See the safety harness. Know that it is holding you. It is safe to let go and feel your feelings.

I'm not sure if you've ever tried this, but I find that doing an anger dance to appropriate music or beating up cushions helps to mobilise my anger... .even if I only feel a tiny bit angry when I start.

Love Lifewriter

[Herodias]

Interesting he watched you cry... .mine wouldn't let me cry-he didn't like it. In my case, I think he knows what he has done, but it is his own way to control the situation and protect himself... .not knowing how to be calm and have a normal life. Knowing I would get tired of the behavior eventually. Beside -its all my fault he acted like that anyway don't you know! He isn't having any "incidents" now... .I think he also doesn't truly know the harm he has caused, because he doesn't feel the same way the rest of us do. No empathy. He thinks it will be just as easy for me to move on like he did. He even told me that I could have someone else, I am just choosing not to. Ridiculous... .he has no idea how hard it is to find someone to have a true loving relationship with. He can just go off and fool the next person and love-bomb them into being with him. We don't act that way. It's also that magical thinking that the next one is going to be better for them. Sad.

[Phoenix41]

I just don’t get it. Is it because he sensed that I’d reached the end of my rope? Was he intentionally trying to hurt me? Was he trying to avoid the possibility that he’d be on his own again? Can he just go on with his life as if I never existed? Is he hurting even a little bit? Did I ever matter? Will I ever stop crying? Can I do this, can I get over this? My heart and soul has been crushed.

Yes. You will get better. Yes. You will stop crying. Yes. You will get over this.

Time and space. Distance. You have been abused, manipulated, lied to. That type of psychological torment is not healed overnight.

You are so strong or you would not be here today. Think about that. He didn't break you. You still feel. You have enough energy to post, to reach out for support. Your heart and soul know what you need- to heal. How do we heal? One day at a time. I see myself in you bc I also want to be healed immediately. Perhaps it's the culture of instant gratification and the speed of technology that surrounds us. It fools us into expecting quick results for all things.

I also have not found my anger. He slandered me at my JOB. Still,no anger. He threatens to harm my FATHER. Still, no anger. Perhaps it is bc we learned to fear their anger so much, we also came to fear our own.

I'd like to share with you a quote I read.

"One often calms ones grief by recounting it" - Pierre Corneille

Keep sharing your grief. You've been shouldering a huge burden of pain. Lessen that burden by emptying it. In posts, a journal, a support group. Talk and write it out.

Know this- you deserve better. Love isn't pain.

[Larmoyant]

LifeWriter16, Herodias, Phoenix41, any kindness shown towards me has me sobbing like a baby these days. Thank you for your replies. It’s a terrible feeling to believe you’re all alone in the world trying to cling on to something. Knowing there are others who understand is a lifeline I so need right now. I’m truly on the edge, thank you again. One of these days this won't hurt us anymore.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant.

I don't know what I can say, because I struggle in my own way. My friend/colleague gave me a leaflet for a project for women who have been subjected to domestic violence today. That's how she and others see my situation. It has begun to dawn on me that perhaps my relationship wasn't the 'attempt at loving despite awful FOO issues on both our parts' that I thought it was. Perhaps it was just plain abusive and I'm some kind of idiot for not seeing it. And I could cry and cry myself as this possibility dawns on me. However, you say you are on the edge and this isn't about me, so I want to send you some loving support.

        

We're still here with you... .

Lifewriter x

[Herodias]

LifeWriter16, Herodias, Phoenix41, any kindness shown towards me has me sobbing like a baby these days. Thank you for your replies. It’s a terrible feeling to believe you’re all alone in the world trying to cling on to something. Knowing there are others who understand is a lifeline I so need right now. I’m truly on the edge, thank you again. One of these days this won't hurt us anymore.

It does help... .I was crying last night when I posted about feeling so used financially by him. There are good days and bad days... .good moments and bad moments. I can go all day and feel pretty good, then all of a sudden I am sad. Lifewriter, I know what you mean about feeling like an idiot for not seeing it. Especially when everyone else around me did. Phoenix 41, I love that quote about calming grief by recounting it... .I hope that is true, because I feel like I can't stop recounting it. Some days I am just numbed by the whole thing.