Hey LIB-
The difficulty I face is the "after shock" effect; disbelief at what I went through, things I never could have imagined. Isn't that some form of PTSD? How do you recover from it?
Yes, it can be PTSD, I was diagnosed with PTSD after I left her, it's helpful to be careful with the labels though; someone with PTSD can become a "PTSD sufferer" which is an identity, and a Disorder can be a "thing" we have, when really, we went through some sht with someone who abused and/or disrespected us, the worst part of which is it touched the deepest parts of ourselves, rocked us to our core, and it's not what happened that ultimately matters, it's what we do with it.
Of course you can go talk to a professional, up to you to decide, and best to shop around since all therapists are not created equal, but once you choose one, dive all the way in. And then there are countless great books, many reviewed on this site, and one that has helped me immensely is
Complex PTSD, from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, which isn't specifically for folks dealing with borderline fallout but trauma in general, and it speaks to me well, which is the key: find one you connect with.
Having a "fixer" tendency, probably due to the nature of my work, had worked against me in the relationship, as I tend to be attracted to things/people that needed it.
There's a difference between fixing and helping, and there's also a matter of degree; when we put someone else's needs ahead of our own, to such a degree that our own needs no longer matter, or even further, we gain a sense of identity by being a 'fixer', it's called codependency, not healthy. But helping is a good thing, a very good thing, humans are social animals. The challenge shows up when we get with someone who's a bottomless pit of emotional need because they're not well, and we go down that rabbit hole with both feet because of our own wiring, painful combo, but also an opportunity and a gift as we detach from that and move forward with our lives with all that great information about ourselves, some of which we may not have been aware of.
Naivety on my part alas a rude awakening.
Yes, and at least in my case it took something rude to get through my thick skull. Ever heard the saying when the student is ready the teacher appears? Teachers come in unique packaging sometimes, but the lesson is the lesson.
Probably the best thing we can do for ourselves is create an empowering vision for our future; what does that look like for you? Once we get clear on that vision, we can make it big and bright, so compelling that it pulls us towards it, and then, we can just take one step in that direction. And then another. And after a while, as we shift the focus from the past to the future, we notice progress, which builds momentum, and one day we look back and become amazed at how far we've come, and how what we went through now seems like a gift, something we may have needed but certainly didn't want at the time. It's a brand new world. Take care of you!
