Starting my new life does come with challenges.

[daughter2255]

The first and foremost challenge that I live and abide by is to not lose myself. To BE myself. Getting older, I am learning how it is important to respect others, to not let their actions make your actions bad. It is better to walk away. Having a mother who I believe has BPD, this is hard because I have empathy. And a huge heart. And in childhood I walked in on her being choked by my brothers father, so it seems that it has been wired into me that I feel responsibility for her. But I do understand I am not responsible for others. When it is your mom though it is hard. I mean, I was beaten too by an ex and guess what? She wasn't there. I fell on the ice once, and she wasn't there either. So my point is that she doesn't seem to have the capability to understand a daughter's needs. Like honestly just now she asked me what time it was. I am typing a God damned paragraph, like does that not matter? Nope. I guess mother's with BPD really don't get it. I used to get angry with her when I ws younger, and demand for her to get me but it seemed that everytime I needed somethign from her she wasn't able. And that's fine cause I moved out for a while and it seemed like everywhere I lived didn't work out. Then I finally discovered BPD and moved back here. It is so damn hard, but I swear sometimes I feel like wonderwoman. I really really want to get a job and move out though and finally take MY life. I swear, living here, in order to heal, it's like I am dealing with her issues too. For a level of understanding, but mostly and the most hurtfully, my empathy. I have empathy and even though she isn't able to give me what I need, I can see some of her struggles due to living with her mother my abusive grandma. So here I am, trying to not lose myself, yet have empathy  cause I have it at the same time as trying to heal. To be honest, my mom really didn't protect me in the ways that a daughter needs. She may have tried, or been oblivious, but the fact still lies.

[Kwamina]

Hi daughter2255

It can be difficult healing yourself when you are still living in the same house as your disordered mother. You are confronted with her behaviors on a daily basis. Reading your post it does seem though that learning about BPD has helped you make sense of what you've been going through. It has also allowed you to place yourself in your mother's shoes a bit and see how she was affected by her own mother, your abusive grandmother.

To help you heal I encourage you to take a look at the Survivor's Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. Have you seen it? You can find it in the right-hand side margin of this message board. The guide helps take your from survivor to thriver in 21 steps, through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. When you look at the guide, are there any areas listed that there that are particularly relevant to your current situation?

Take care

[P.F.Change]

Hi, daughter2255,

I think this is a really profound insight:

So my point is that she doesn't seem to have the capability to understand a daughter's needs. ... .I used to get angry with her when I ws younger, and demand for her to get me but it seemed that everytime I needed somethign from her she wasn't able.

It takes a lot of us a really long time to come to a place where we can accept that our parent is not capable of being who we needed them to be, and that it is not our fault. Learning this can really help us change our thinking about what we can expect from our relationship, and identify areas where we will need to come up with alternatives for love and support.

So here I am, trying to not lose myself, yet have empathy cause I have it at the same time as trying to heal.

Sometimes I think a lot of empaths need a reminder to turn that empathy toward themselves, and to take extra care of their boundaries. Are you mindful of where your emotional energy is going, and making a point to recharge yourself? 

Also, in a similar vein, as I re-read your post, I wonder: Is there any chance you are vicariously trying to meet your own need for care and empathy by offering those things to your mother now? How can you be sure to protect yourself? I think your goal of not losing yourself in this is vital.

Wishing you peace,

PF