Am epiphany: He really wasn't as great as I am making him out to be ; )

[Herodias]

A friend and I were out, talking about our dating history.  She asked me why I stayed with my husband in the beginning. She said she always sensed something was "off" about him. She actually dated some kind of sociopath herself, so she is aware of certain behavior. We didn't stay friends after I married. One of the people that I lost for awhile during the marriage. We are friends again. My ex didn't like her... , you know- they want to run everyone off. Well, one thing that was funny that she said after I told her that he had put me on a pedestal like no one before and we had the best sex I ever had! She said oh come on, you always had men tell you you are attractive. She also said, you have had great sex before. Weird, I thought about it and as we talked about past relationships, I realized she was right! What was I thinking... .that he was the end all to be all? Weird. I thought about the gas lighting they do. Yes, he may have done it up in a big way, the way they do-you know... .but he wasn't the best ever and he wasn't the only one who said nice things. We were talking about putting people up on pedestals. She felt she did this with the men in her life and they didn't deserve it. I felt like I always picked people that needed me and that I could help- I somehow thought if I helped them , they would always be there for me. This is not at all true. It was an interesting conversation. I wondered, what other things I imagined in this relationship that I was gaslighted and manipulated into thinking... .? Anyone else have these thoughts? I know some of you had been with your exes for a long time and may not have dated allot. I have... .which is why I was so ready to be done with it all. He mirrored what I wanted in a spouse that's true, but he wasn't as great as I am making him out to be... .kind of weird when I think about it. Why am I doing this still? I am sure I wanted him to be  all that when I was married to him, but I need to start thinking clearly... .Somehow, this epiphany made me feel better. Do we put people on pedestals just like they do?

[strongerthanU]

I have... .which is why I was so ready to be done with it all. He mirrored what I wanted in a spouse that's true, but he wasn't as great as I am making him out to be... .kind of weird when I think about it. Why am I doing this still? I am sure I wanted him to be  all that when I was married to him, but I need to start thinking clearly... .Somehow, this epiphany made me feel better. Do we put people on pedestals just like they do?

Blue,

I have spent 30 years with my now separated from h and I saw myself in your post! I hadn't date a ton when I met my husband but enough to have been burned a good many times. I was a genuinely caring person who tended to give too much too soon and was often cast off after the fun faded, this was deeply injurious to me as i was an old fashioned girl at heart and believed in a forever relationship.

When I met my H I was fresh out of a relationship that i thought would end in marriage. My H was unrelenting in his pursuit of me which I was at first very turned off by. I remembered telling my sister at the time that nobody was gonna hurt me like that again. I was tired of being broken down and dumped.

I gradually warmed to my H attention, he said all the right things, was very polite and mild mannered. I did see that he was very intense and downright aggressive towards others but not me. I took this as I was on the pedestal, and I liked it. It did sit somewhat not right with me and my boss at the time would always ask me if I was still dating HeadCase, My boss had been a Psych Major DUH! I shoulda paid attention to that.

I lost most friends during this time as my H displayed a strong jealous nature and was possessive of my time.

He moved quickly and professed his love immediately, i was afraid but stubborn and moved head strong forward. I remember being frightened sexually as he was short on affection and very direct about engaging in sex, I felt really vulnerable and not ready for the intensity he displayed but i hung in there. I most definitely had better sex in other relationships and would convince myself that every relationship has differences and I shouldn't compare especially that part of a relationship.

I believe we do as much damage to ourselves with the internal "vows" we make thinking we are protecting self when really we have laid ourselves in a very vulnerable place, while creating a perfect opportunity for a predator.

Just saying the man that said all the right things, looked all the way put together, thought he was a sexual genius, ended up hurting me more than I could have ever imagined.

and he still claims he doesn't understand how he failed the relationship!

thanks for the opportunity to reflect... .

[troisette]

Hi Blue - an interesting post.

I think we do put them on a pedestal, for sure I did.

I blinkered myself to some aspects of him, I think this was due to the trauma bond I had with him. The reasons for the bond were so powerful I couldn't see other elements of him.

So no, he wasn't as wonderful as I'd imagined but he made me feel wonderful. Some of the time.

[gotbushels]

Anyone else have these thoughts? I know some of you had been with your exes for a long time and may not have dated allot. I have... .which is why I was so ready to be done with it all. He mirrored what I wanted in a spouse that's true, but he wasn't as great as I am making him out to be... .kind of weird when I think about it. Why am I doing this still? I am sure I wanted him to be  all that when I was married to him, but I need to start thinking clearly... .Somehow, this epiphany made me feel better. Do we put people on pedestals just like they do?

Well done Heron. I'm familiar with your description of realising that they aren't as "good" as we may had previously thought. I think it's good when we see people for what they are. That includes ourselves. Both aren't easy, I think.

Maybe you're still doing this because the relationship was more important or meaningful to you compared to the other relationships. I exclude an opinion on whether it was healthy for you or not--but it doesn't change how meaningful it may have been. Meaningful things are more memorable to us. So perhaps this could be why.

I think when we overstate the meaningfulness of a person's qualities too early, it may have something to do with our own vulnerabilities. That will affect whether we put them on a "pedestal" individually.

[C.Stein]

I think it is important for us all to remember something here.

No matter how good the love bombing feels, no matter how good the sex was, these things do not define a persons character or define a relationship.

Everyone engages in some level of love bombing in the beginning of a new relationship, this is not unique to people with a PD.  This however doesn't make a relationship good or that person good for us as we have all found out.  The honeymoon stage (idealization) is not, nor will it ever be, indicative of what a relationship will eventually develop into.  From what I observed  in my own relationship and what has been reported by others,  our respective pwBPD more times than not expected this is how the relationship will always be.   More importantly almost as frequently I see the "non" also expecting the same.  This is not realistic nor is it healthy and we all have to recognize this if we are to heal and learn something from our pain.

All too frequently we also find way too much emphasis being put on the sex.  The sex was/is amazing, the best I have ever had, etc... . 

Sex does not, nor will it ever, define how good or healthy a relationship is and certainly does not define a persons character.

The problem here is I see many people fall into the trap of thinking good sex = healthy relationship ... .or good sex = love.  IT DOES NOT!  This is particularly a problem with pwBPD but it is also a problem with the "non" as well.  Sex, as good as it might be, only occupies a very small fraction of the total relationship.  Given how much emphasis people put on the "importance" of sex and the relative small amount of time in the relationship having that sex, it comes as no surprise we see so many failed relationships, PD or not.

Great love bombing and amazing sex do not define a persons character nor does it define a relationship ... .healthy or not.  It is all the small things, the moments that fill the space between the "special" moments that define the relationship.  It is these moments where a persons true character stands out.  It is these moments that define a relationship.  It is these moments that we should work that hardest on.  It is these moments we should never forget.

[Ahoy]

Another good topic. Nice post stein.

It's funny, all the emotionally healthy people (on my side) that interacted with my ex worked her out pretty quick, my sister hold me after we split that she never liked my wife.

She even alienated my work colleagues manufacturing drama with them to the point work got hostile... .didn't I feel like a goose when I realised it was all HER. Thank goodness my work mates were cool with me when I worked everything out.

Tells you a bit about us and areas we need to continue to work on. I felt like a damn racehorse wearing love blinkers.

Speaking of horse racing, I wonder what the betting odds are of having a healthy, happy BPD relationship, 10,000/1 I'm guessing... .