How do I move on from her?

[reincarnate93]

She has been in a new relationship for 6 months now, after miscarrying our baby. she left me for a rebound that only lasted a week. she dumped him then she was admitted to a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts and actions were she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

our relationship only lasted 3 months until she started devaluing me and split me black after the split there  were a couple times when she admitted to taking the miscarriage out on me and telling me she wanted to get back together with me but shortly after that I found out she was in a "relationship" with the rebound dude.

She dumped him and started dating one of her other exes again and they've been together for 6 months now. Some days are harder than others for me because the miscarriage really scarred me, I was excited to be a father. but I know this is something that I have to get over

I don't understand how I did absolutely nothing to cause this and she broke my heart and the new boyfriend has been with her for double that time and it seems like she doesn't treat him that way, it seems like he'll never be split black and that it was my fault

while she was pregnant she stopped taking her anti depressant meds. could this be why she treated me this way? it seems like every time I even try to talk to her she just shuts me down and says "I don't wanna talk to you" I realize now that it was a mistake to even try to talk to her but I really wish I could just get over her. because she's caused me so much pain

and I also don't understand if she truly has BPD with which she was professionally diagnosed, how has she been with her new boyfriend so long? and why did she not treat him this way?

I just feel truly lost

[steelwork]

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through--and the loss of the pregnancy has got to be making it so much harder. I can see you are scrambling to make sense of it all. That will probably take a while. For now, it might help to read up on BPD, and even more important, these lessons:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

You'll read stories here from people who were in unhappy relationships with pwPBD (that is: people with... .) for DECADES. Some will say you dodged a bullet. It can be weird to think of it like that when you feel like you've been shot through the heart, but it might help to really contemplate what it is exactly that you're missing out on, considering the bleak outlook for someone with her problems. As to her current relationship: you really can't know what's going on behind the scenes. Speculation is not your friend right now.

Okay--typing on phone so I'll leave it there. Please know that you are in excellent company.

[heartandwhole]

Hi reincarnate93,



I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup and the miscarriage of your baby. That is so hard, and I can understand that you feel lost right now. I know I would feel the same.    You've come to the right place for help. This site has tons of resources and members who have been in similar situations, and who understand what you are going through.

It will take time to let go and move on, but you can do it. Things really do get better. They did for me and they can for you, too. When you can, start with the lessons on the right sidebar -->

Steelwork gave you a great link to get started.

Do you have supportive friends and family, reincarnate93? Are you taking care of yourself: getting exercise and enough sleep? It's very important to focus on self-care at this time. In my experience, grieving the loss of a relationship with someone with BPD can be full of unexpected turns, so having support is very important.

Keep writing, we're here to listen and help you through this.

heartandwhole

[reincarnate93]

@heartandwhole

I don't really have many friends to be honest and my family hasn't been very supportive of the situation. I think it's just that they don't understand the situation or don't know what to say

I just can't hold it inside my head anymore it's been eating away at me for months.

[Iona]

Dear reincarnate93,

Sorry for your problem. Breaking away from a relationship with someone you love is difficult enough without the added complications of a miscarriage. You sound very upset and confused in your post - understandably so. However, if a relationship is causing you this much grief, it probably signals that it is a good time to completely back off - recover - and find a nicer, and less complicated partner. I wish that someone had given me this advice! There will be other opportunities to be a father with more stable partners. Take care!

[heartandwhole]

@heartandwhole

I don't really have many friends to be honest and my family hasn't been very supportive of the situation. I think it's just that they don't understand the situation or don't know what to say

I just can't hold it inside my head anymore it's been eating away at me for months.

Yes, it's often hard for friends and family to understand if they haven't experienced a relationship like this themselves.

How are you doing, reincarnate93? Please keep writing, it really helps.

heartandwhole

[schwing]

Hi Reincarnate93,

I don't understand how I did absolutely nothing to cause this and she broke my heart and the new boyfriend has been with her for double that time and it seems like she doesn't treat him that way, it seems like he'll never be split black and that it was my fault

There isn't an expiration date on people with BPD (pwBPD) that indicates how long you can be with them before their illness become apparent.  But you are right that there is nothing you did to cause this; she had this illness before you ever met her.  It might help to know that what may be the biggest trigger for her disorder is her sense of intimacy.  She might *tell* you that she feels close to you.  But as far as I understand this disorder, it's *only* when a pwBPD starts feeling intimate/familiar with someone that their fear of abandonment kicks in.  It doesn't get more intimate than when you are having children together.  And maybe it was that situation that riled up her disordered feelings and contributed to the miscarriage.

Maybe right now she is keeping her distance with the new boyfriend so that her disordered feelings don't overwhelm her the way it did with you and her more recent ex-boyfriend. 

It "seems like he'll never be split black" but do you think she has been magically cured of her disorder?  Do you doubt that she was ever sick?  Because if she does have BPD, it is just a matter of time.  And it doesn't matter to you because you are not in that relationship.  Are you here to let go?  Or are you here to make sure what's fair is fair?  Because it isn't fair.  None of it is fair.

while she was pregnant she stopped taking her anti depressant meds. could this be why she treated me this way?

Anti-depressant meds just make you less depressed. It doesn't cure personality disorders.  It might lower the edge on feelings, so that couldn't have helped.  But anti-depressants don't make you not have borderline personality disorder.

it seems like every time I even try to talk to her she just shuts me down and says "I don't wanna talk to you" I realize now that it was a mistake to even try to talk to her but I really wish I could just get over her. because she's caused me so much pain

You won't get over her by trying to talk to her.  You need to figure out how to help yourself *deal* with the pain that has *nothing* to do with her.  Look into how people get over being addicted to alcohol or drugs because you may need that kind of support.

and I also don't understand if she truly has BPD with which she was professionally diagnosed, how has she been with her new boyfriend so long? and why did she not treat him this way? 

You can be "professionally diagnosed" with being an alcoholic and still choose not to change your behaviors.  Same deal with BPD.  She may have been diagnosed but may choose not to do anything about it.

Why don't you read about other people's experience here?  Some people have stayed in relationships with pwBPD for years or decades.  There is no magic timer as to how long it can last.  It can last for 20 years... .20 god awful years... .but what do you care?  This has nothing to do with you.  And you won't get over her by spending your time thinking about it.

Best wishes,

Schwing