Personal issues with my BP Sister

[ABCDEF45]

Hi Everyone,

My sister was somewhat recently diagnosed with BPD and has been receiving treatment for it. She is 18 and I am six years older than her. Before I moved away for college, I felt we had a pretty good relationship - she would come to me for advice, she would ask me to spend time with her - all seemed fine. We were always different, but I thought it would work to our advantage growing up - like we would balance each other out in a relationship.

I recently started reading more about the disorder to try and understand it, and how to communicate with her during times of stress, or during an argument. Over the course of the last couple of years, her personal attacks towards me have gotten more personal and more frequent. I used to never take them too personally, knowing they were likely a result of her own insecurities, so I tried to cope in whatever way I could. Though, she has progressively been seeming to target me in particular - as opposed to my brother who she gets along well with (brother lives at home while I only temporarily). My other family members have told me things like they believe she resents me, that she always says how she doesn't respect me or the way I live my life - or that she goes on about how she doesn't like me - meanwhile, we rarely had personal conversations when I was in school. When I came home recently - we were getting along really well for about a week or so. Then, she was stressed about something and freaked out on me and since, she has taken almost any opportunity to say she doesn't like me, or that she doesn't respect my way of life. I try not to take things too personally, knowing her situation, but sometimes it makes me sad - I want to have a good relationship with her, and I will try to approach her calmly about that, coming from my perspective. But I also know I can not rely on her and it's harder not to take it personally when I ask myself why it is she gets along so well with my brother, and chooses to "dislike" me. Does anyone have any advice on how to initiate a conversation with her about how I feel, or about how she feels towards me, or how to feel about this type of situation in general? Also, any nice stories from people in similar situations that were able to work things out with their BP sibling would be greatly appreciated!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi ABCDEF45! 

Welcome to our family   I am very sorry for the great challenges and the sadness you are going through and have gone through these past years. Seems like you can never get ahead, doesn't it? You are dealing with some really difficult characteristics when you encounter BPD.

Tell me about your support group. Do you have a counselor that helps you to navigate through this relationship with your sister? It is so admirable that you try to maintain a relationship with her.  I do not have a sibling with BPD but a mom. I'm sure there are others here who can especially relate to your situation. Something I've shared with my children though when they speak with their sister (who emotionally disregulates very frequently) is to not go down those roads when she tries to make it all about her.  For example, when D2 says to her sister or brother, "I know you don't like me," or. "You won't call me,"  I encourage them to try and change the subject by first saying something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I am so busy with the kids these days. What are you doing at work this week?" or something like that. SET is another good way to communicate with a BPD and it can be found at this site:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm. (working from my tablet so hope it copies correctly for you!)

How are things going today? Hugs for you! 

Wools

[P.F.Change]

Welcome, ABCDEF45! 

You are getting a head start on most of us by educating yourself from such an early age. It is difficult when a family member has BPD, to say the least. There are a few things about BPD that might help answer some of your questions.

BPD is also sometimes referred to as emotional regulation disorder. That means someone with BPD often feels emotions much more intensely than other people might, while at the same time lacking the skills to cope with that intensity. The underlying fear and anger can be blinding to the point that the person can't see anything else. Just like the rest of us, being under stress can bring out more problematic behaviors. It will be difficult to have any kind of rational conversation during a time when a person with BPD is experiencing emotional distress. It is not a time when you can expect the person to have empathy or understand your feelings, because their own feelings seem so overwhelming. If you do want to share with your sister, I recommend choosing a time when everyone is calm and using tools like the one Woolspinner shared. It will also be important to understand that a relationship with someone who has BPD is going to be different than one with someone who does not have BPD. Closeness and mutual understanding may not always be possible.

Another thing that seems relevant to your question is that people with BPD tend to use splitting as a coping mechanism. BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting This means that another person will be seen as all-good or all-bad. Their view of that person can change suddenly and dramatically. My mother could curse at me for two hours and then five minutes later tell me what a perfect, smart, wonderful daughter I am. It can feel very confusing. Right now, it sounds like you are all-bad and your brother is all-good in your sister's eyes. It is not personal--it is part of the disorder.

Taking time to think about your boundaries will be an important step for you, ABCDEF45. You might find it helpful to talk with a counselor of your own. I'm glad you've joined us.

Wishing you peace,

PF