Difficult to separate

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have expressed a need to move out, at least for some time to clear my mind. Wife won't agree to this and puts all her time and effort into changing my mind. Most time spent at home now is her trying to talk me out of it. She's been mostly sad but this morning it was back to dysregulation again as she had a bad night's sleep. She says she has constant anxiety now, especially in the mornings.

Some points from the "talks" (her):

":)on't you have any empathy with my situation?"

"Please, please stay and we can make it work, we have such a fine family."

"Our son could not take this, he's in such a vulnerable age now" (12)

She also attacks my character inbetween, like that she and the kids suffer from me detaching and being cold.

I know I can just pack my bags and leave, but I fear a complete breakdown then.

Anyone been in a similar situation? How to move forward in this? I find this really difficult to deal with, have to spend a good time after getting  to work soothing myself, reading up on divorce etc.

[empathic]

I have expressed a need to move out, at least for some time to clear my mind. Wife won't agree to this and puts all her time and effort into changing my mind. Most time spent at home now is her trying to talk me out of it. She's been mostly sad but this morning it was back to dysregulation again as she had a bad night's sleep. She says she has constant anxiety now, especially in the mornings.

Some points from the "talks" (her):

":)on't you have any empathy with my situation?"

"Please, please stay and we can make it work, we have such a fine family."

"Our son could not take this, he's in such a vulnerable age now" (12)

She also attacks my character inbetween, like that she and the kids suffer from me detaching and being cold.

I know I can just pack my bags and leave, but I fear a complete breakdown then.

Anyone been in a similar situation? How to move forward in this? I find this really difficult to deal with, have to spend a good time after getting  to work soothing myself, reading up on divorce etc.

[Teereese]

  empathic

I began detaching while married and living together. Every little thing became conflict and caused dysregulation for my (now) ex. It was his perception of total loss of control.

In my case, I put divorcing off due to financial reasons and the fear of him totally losing it.

In the end, there is going to be a complete breakdown due to her disorder.

In my case, he lost it, threatened suicide, escalated his drinking and drug use, got into fights, crashed his car. I knew it was going to happen but I also knew I did not have control over his behavior and I would not allow his behavior to control me.

It's tough, but those were his choices.

[empathic]

 empathic

I began detaching while married and living together. Every little thing became conflict and caused dysregulation for my (now) ex. It was his perception of total loss of control.

In my case, I put divorcing off due to financial reasons and the fear of him totally losing it.

In the end, there is going to be a complete breakdown due to her disorder.

In my case, he lost it, threatened suicide, escalated his drinking and drug use, got into fights, crashed his car. I knew it was going to happen but I also knew I did not have control over his behavior and I would not allow his behavior to control me.

It's tough, but those were his choices.

Hi, thanks a lot for your reply. My wife hardly drinks and doesn't use drugs, but she's broken down before over changes (big and small). Her parents moving to another house (about 7 years ago) caused a lot of blow ups with her father, and she called me from her car outside of their house, in a very bad mental state.

How did you deal with him trying to pull you back while still living together? I find it very hard to not validate when she begs me to reconsider (same plea about 40 times a day). At this point I might have to leave the house rather soon to be able to remain sane. I also need to find a good time and strategy to talk to the kids at this point, as they know what is going on now.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic, Sorry to hear about your stressful situation.  I have been in your shoes, believe me!  As a temporary measure, is it possible for your to spend a weekend away with friends or family members?  Maybe you could bring the kids with you, if necessary?  It's hard, I know, to let go, but suggest that you are going to have to practice detachment if you are going to get through this in one piece.

I understand about the need to clear your head for work.  At the time, I had a stressful job and was often emotionally exhausted from one drama or another at home.  It was tough to concentrate at work, plus my BPDxW was calling me all the time during the day.  Not fun!

You wrote:

I have expressed a need to move out, at least for some time to clear my mind. Wife won't agree to this and puts all her time and effort into changing my mind.

Waiting for your W to agree to to your moving out is a thankless vigil, in my view, because it is unlikely to happen.  You already know this, but at the end of the day you don't need your W's permission to move out.  Sometimes it's better to act than to waste a lot of energy thinking about taking an action.

LuckyJim

[Zon]

How did you deal with him trying to pull you back while still living together? I find it very hard to not validate when she begs me to reconsider (same plea about 40 times a day).

That must be painful.  It hurt me to hear similar from my wife in the past.  Are you validating her?  If yes, how exactly are you validating her?  I am curious.

Is it recommended to say things like, "It is me, not you"?  Basically, take the path of being less tempting to keep, in some manner?

[teapay]

This may be one of those either/or situations.  You either head back to the staying board, give it another go and weather the r/s or leave and deal with the impending meltdown which seems almost certain.  If you do leave, you might need to plan how you will handle the fallout in such a way that you don't get sucked back.  When kids are involved the meltdown is a great way to get you back.  Who wants their kids to suffer?  How will they be cared for?  Nice for FOG.

You mentioned in another post that her parents do help during these meltdowns.  Is that the case?

Staying, even temporarily, would probably require a certain amount of reconnection or seeming reconnection to satisfy her fears.

[empathic]

Hey empathic, Sorry to hear about your stressful situation.  I have been in your shoes, believe me!  As a temporary measure, is it possible for your to spend a weekend away with friends or family members?  Maybe you could bring the kids with you, if necessary?  It's hard, I know, to let go, but suggest that you are going to have to practice detachment if you are going to get through this in one piece.

I understand about the need to clear your head for work.  At the time, I had a stressful job and was often emotionally exhausted from one drama or another at home.  It was tough to concentrate at work, plus my BPDxW was calling me all the time during the day.  Not fun!

You wrote:

I have expressed a need to move out, at least for some time to clear my mind. Wife won't agree to this and puts all her time and effort into changing my mind.

Waiting for your W to agree to to your moving out is a thankless vigil, in my view, because it is unlikely to happen.  You already know this, but at the end of the day you don't need your W's permission to move out.  Sometimes it's better to act than to waste a lot of energy thinking about taking an action.

LuckyJim

Hey Jim,

I have moved out since a couple of days now. Leaving the house the first time was tough emotionally, but I have since been back to spend time with the kids and then leaving again - and it feels OK now.

My wife thinks (or wants to think) that it is temporary, so it will not be easy this weekend when I tell her I want to continue staying out. MIL has been staying with her this week, so the real test will be her living on her own (or by herself with the kids).

I can already feel that the healing process has started. If nothing else, like you say, that I have wasted so much energy _thinking_ about what I want to do instead of doing it. Now I can wake up in the morning without the stress hitting me immediately. I have also been a lot more productive at work this week.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic, The first step is the hardest, yet you've done it so give yourself credit.  How does it feel to be free from drama for a few days?  It was interesting for me to discover that there is a whole world out there that does not revolve around BPD.  Everyone needs to find their own path and I'm not suggesting that you follow in my footsteps, but after I separated from my BPDxW, I relished the peace and enjoyed returning home at night without expecting a confrontation.  I never seriously considered going back.  It was like getting out of prison because I was no longer the object of my Ex's abuse.  It felt good to be safe.  My BPDxW wasn't happy about losing her punching bag, but that's the way it goes.

LuckyJim