why does it seem like her new relationship is so happy?

[reincarnate93]

And why is it that I got treated like crap after 3 months, and the new guy has been with her for 6 months and she seems happier than ever? She was diagnosed with BPD. and I keep thinking she's gonna split him black anytime now, but it just never happens.

it just doesn't seem fair because she made so many promises to me and she even agreed to marry me and she just left me like it was nothing. and this guy doesn't even live around here. they've been in a long distance relationship for 6 months. it just doesn't make any since to me.

[Makersmarksman]

If she was diagnosed with BPD, then you have your answer.  She is in the idealization phase, its not really happiness as much as infatuation at this point.  Even without BPD in the picture, this would be common for anyone, that honeymoon phase wears off and as its been 6 months already I would suspect sooner rather than later.  Healthy relationships thrive AFTER this phase, all relationships appear to thrive DURING this phase.  I dont know if it will honestly make you feel any better but the overwhelming odds are that her relationship will rapidly begin to deteriorate, and the man she is with will likely start scouring the internet for answers as to what just happened to him, just as you are.

[JerryRG]

Hello reincarnate93

My exgf has gone through the idealization phase with her new bf and she's saying negitive things about him. She is engaged but "lost" the ring? And now she's gaining weight so she's not sure how she can be with a guy who is thin and makes her look fat?

She was excited about the wedding plans but now she's saying she's leaving it all up to them as if she's just a participant and not the bride? She won't get married in a court house? I sense a great deal of enthusiasm.

She's throwing out hooks the last couple days but I told her if she gets well then maybe we could work, it's sad she don't understand her issues

She's undecided at best and BPD at worst but pretty much always in a state of misery. Don't be fooled by what you see on the outside.

[reincarnate93]

I realize I shouldn't even care anymore but sometimes I just do for some reason. I know she's not a good person or even anything remotely close. it just pisses me off that she hurt me so bad and she's just off to the next victim.

[Aussie0zborn]

Well said. Just be glad there is a new victim and it's not you anymore.

Your questions are ill-founded. She will always appear to be happier with the new guy. Rest assured that it's all fake.  She did this with you too, and you didn't notice - only the previous guy noticed, just like you are noticing now.

Six months rather than three months? No problem - it will take him twice as long as you to recover.

It really doesn't matter how she portrays her life - it's all fake and it's to avoid dealing with another messy relationship that she has created. Moving on to another relationship quickly means avoiding responsibility for her actions and not having to grieve the end of the relationship like we do.

Seriously, don't worry about her - let's worry about you. Why would you want to marry somebody you've only been in a relationship with for three months ?

[reincarnate93]

I had known her for over a year when I asked her to marry me. but I think the reason I asked her so soon was because I got her pregnant but she lost it.

[C.Stein]

it just doesn't seem fair because she made so many promises to me and she even agreed to marry me and she just left me like it was nothing.

Talking about marriage in under three months is a huge red flag.    

Promises mean nothing without the actions to back them up.  Words are cheap.  Every single "promise" my ex made she broke over the course of our relationship.   I don't doubt she was sincere when she made the promises but her "dark side" did not allow her to honor them.

I know it is hard to let go of the promises but they are just words.  

The distance in her new "relationship" is likely keeping her from dysregulating to some extent.  That doesn't mean the relationship is better or she won't eventually dysregulate.  If she is a pwBPD she will.  

In the end, the only thing that really matters is what she did to you.  :)on't allow yourself to be involved in her life anymore.  That means stop checking up on her because all it is doing is causing you more pain.

[steelwork]

I'll repeat what I said in your other thread: look around the board and you'll see plenty of people who were in miserable r/s with pwBPD for decades.  Length of time does not correlate with happiness or better treatment. Quite the reverse. You DO NOT KNOW what happens behind closed doors, BPD or no. Do yourself a favor and stop making assumptions and try your best to turn that gaze back on yourself. There is nothing else you can do.

[Icanteven]

Why would you want to marry somebody you've only been in a relationship with for three months ?

My wife asked ME to marry HER only three months into our relationship... .

I waited almost another year to actually ask her for real, but the pressure was on and anytime it looked as though my confidence might be wavering she amped it up big time. 

Also, what's been said here about not having to face the consequences of a breakup rings so true.  My estranged wife hasn't been alone since being a teenager, often dating/sleeping with multiple partners at the same time and ALWAYS transitioning from one relationship to the next via a backup plan already underway or just waiting for her to pull the trigger.  I don't see any evidence that there's another man in the picture since she abandoned our family, but I'm under no illusions;  If she's truly sleeping alone right now, it's a first.

Finally, if it makes you feel any better reincarnate93, my wife told me the day before she left that she loves me forever and that she wanted to extend our family once she got stable.  She hugged and kissed our children the day she left and told them she'd see them when we got back from our day trip.  She kissed me inappropriately and told me she'd bought a little outfit for being so patient with her that she'd be wearing for me that night.

And then she left us.

They are mentally ill.  Any time you find yourself trying to analyze or apply logic or understand or do anything that involves executive functioning, stop yourself in your tracks and remind yourself, she is mentally ill, this is not supposed to make sense.  Been one of my own most effective coping mechanisms.

[JerryRG]

The dream of happiness is just that, a dream. I fell in love with the dream and ignored the facts. And having a child with a disordered person only makes matters worse. I can walk away from my exgf but my son cannot.

I focus on reality, facts and I accept my denial kept me in the dream but I had to wake up. The longer you're in the longer it takes to recover.

[steelwork]

I highly recommend you read this from the lessons (sidebar to the right) about the beliefs that can keep you stuck:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264

Especially#6: clinging to the words that were said. I do that, too. (He asked me to marry him multiple times!) it's why I had to delete all his emails,  etc. So I'd stop clinging to his lovely words and promises. 

[reincarnate93]

Thanks, Steelwork. I'm reading some now and saved it to my reading list for when my mind starts racing again.

[steelwork]

You've got this. We've got you. It doesn't happen all at once by force of will. I have read those 10 beliefs over and over again. If you'd asked me a few months ago, I would have been ready to hop back into that crazy mess at the crook of a finger.

And about the replacement--well, my ex got with the person who was basically my self-assigned nemesis. She's hated me since the day we all met each other, and has had all kinds of success in the field we share while using her success to block mine. And when we were together, he did nothing but make fun of her. I'm not being petty when I say that. There was so much bitterness for me just in his choice of replacements. But I'm letting it go, letting it go... .she is a nasty, mean person. I wish for him he'd chosen someone with more soul. But then I'm not sure how much soul he has, so maybe they are suited.

So there: one stage of detachment for me seems to be not just accepting but endorsing his choice to give his love to this person. I'm working on just having no opinion about it.

[reincarnate93]

Having no opinion on her or anything she does seems like a nice goal to me, . I could probably get there if I would quit looking at her Instagram account.

[steelwork]

Having no opinion on her or anything she does seems like a nice goal to me, . I could probably get there if I would quit looking at her Instagram account.

Yep! 

[Hopeful83]

 

I'm just going to echo what everyone else here has said really. First of all, do yourself a favour and make a promise to yourself that you won't go on her social media accounts anymore. Seeing those photos cause you pain and keep you stuck - why do that to yourself? You deserve SO much more than that.

Would you shove a photo of your best friend's ex and his/her replacement in her/his face and force him to see it? Nope, so why do it to yourself?

I realised how I'd done myself a massive favour by banning myself from going on my ex's and his new wife's social media - I stayed away for eight months, and I'm so glad I did, because since going on there last week it gave me more to ruminate over, which is so pointless - as everyone said here, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, so it's pointless even speculating.

In my case, he was engaged to my replacement within six weeks of us breaking up. This tells me the sort of man he is, so regardless of he's happy or not, I know I had a lucky escape. The wife think she's scored, but actually she's landed the booby prize ;-)

Don't buy into the horse sh*t show, because that's what it is more often than not. And if you stop looking at her social media, she'll have one less member of the audience.

Just my two cents.

[balletomane]

The last I heard, my ex and his flatmate are still together just over a year later. This is his longest 'official' relationship by far (not counting the recycles) and sometimes it does make me feel hurt, confused, and jealous. Two things make it sting. Firstly, she's in a similar field of work to me, but seems to have accomplished more in spite of being three years younger. I think she's better-looking than me. She's fluent in languages I've spent a lot of time trying to learn and good at the hobbies I want to be good at. It feels almost like I was upgraded for a version 2.0. Fortunately these feelings are passing. I built up my confidence by getting away from him, and now I see that I have a tendency to belittle my own achievements while inflating other people's. I still think she's prettier than me, but it no longer bothers me in the way it did. At first I even grew my hair because hers is long and I know he prefers long hair. This was after I'd gone NC and moved back to my own country, so there was now way he was going to see it - I just wanted to find out if with long hair I'd look pretty too.  :'( He'd made unkind comments to me about my appearance, in front of her - the month before they got together, when I walked in with newly trimmed hair after two weeks away, he didn't greet me or say anything other than, "You look like you were attacked by a barber bear" while turning his back on me. Looking back on how I thought and felt, I just feel compassion for myself. Getting my hair cut back to its original length - my preferred style - was a big part of my recovery.

Now, when I worry that he's still with her because she's nicer than me, more capable than me, prettier than me... .I ask myself, would I want a relationship with someone whose ability to care for me is based on my hairstyle or my fluency in other languages? Most of the time the answer is no. I want to be valued and I was not valued by him. Maybe my replacement is, but I wouldn't bet on it. This was what helped me to come out of the last spell of self-doubt and envy, when I found they were still living together and still (apparently) happy after a year: I asked myself if I would be willing to put money on the fact that everything was OK between them. The answer was no. And that told me that deep down, beneath the envy and the hurt, I knew that no relationship he's in is likely to go well.

The second reason why the replacement is often on my mind is that she lied to me. Not long before she got together with my ex (her flatmate) she bumped into me in the university canteen and invited me to have lunch with her. She was asking me all sorts of questions about my relationship with him, and saying, "Why don't you get back together?" and "I'm always trying to matchmake between you. I like to fix what's broken." I struggled to answer the questions, as I found them intrusive and I knew he didn't want her to find out that we were still involved, but I thought the questions were kindly meant, at least. Now I know that what she was really doing was trying to see what her chances were. I had really liked and respected her as a person, I thought that she liked me, and while I don't judge her harshly for doing this (she was probably nervous and embarrassed) I did feel hurt by the dishonesty. I haven't seen her since, and it felt like she had used me too, in a way. I felt sore that she could do that and end up with the loving relationship that I'd missed out on. But then it occurred to me: perhaps the length of their relationship has only been made possible by the fact that she is prepared to abandon transparency and honesty to get what she wants. Perhaps. I can't know for sure, but it's likely, because to keep the peace with my ex I had to do similar things - I had to suppress my true feelings, I had to hide things from him. She may simply be better at doing that than me. One thing I do know is that I don't want to be in that position ever again. Realising this, I have very little envy to spare for my replacement. If anything, I feel a little sorry for her, because one of these days she's going to get hit by a hurricane. My ex was formally assessed and diagnosed with BPD and I know it doesn't evaporate overnight. At best, she's in a calm before a storm.

[bus boy]

My BPD/npd ex wife has been in a r/s for 11 months, they are 2 pees in a pod. I use to think any day I'm going to get a call from her bf asking what the hell just happened. I don't even go there any more. I have to think about s9 and I. She has a plan for him,  she's turning him against me, he follows me, says on me. If it was a normal r/s her bf wouldn't follow me. As for promises,  mine never broke a promise. She never promised anything good or nice or everlasting love. Only mean sinister hedious promises and she came through with every one of them. I can say in the 12 years I've known her, I was treated like a dog, talked down to, belittled, verbally,  mentally and emotionally abused. Never a kind word or an  i love you. Maybe they haven't found a lable for what my ex wife has. I would rather have a nice promise to me broke than an evil one followed through on.