my childhood

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Im 46. Ive always had a difficult relationship with my mum. Over the years I have tried so hard to understand what I did wrong. why do I not feel warmth toward her or from her. It is only now I can look back and see how crazy my childhood was. my feelings had no name. I was safer to be more aware of hers. now they do. Shame resentment and pure terror alongwith self blame

[jazzelle]

Hi Im 46. Ive always had a difficult relationship with my mum. Over the years I have tried so hard to understand what I did wrong. why do I not feel warmth toward her or from her. It is only now I can look back and see how crazy my childhood was. my feelings had no name. I was safer to be more aware of hers. now they do. Shame resentment and pure terror alongwith self blame

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Jazelle! Welcome! 

Thank you for posting and sharing a glimpse of your story. You will find many listening ears here, and much insight from others who often feel the same way you do right now.

It is hard to begin to feel, isn't it? I also struggle with trying to connect to my own feelings due to all the years of not being allowed to feel from growing up with an uBPDm. I think you deserve two thumbs up for recognizing the feelings you shared with us!   Being able to isolate any feeling is a great sign of progress, even though the feelings you're experiencing are very tough. I am sorry that you are feeling shame.  Have you taken a look at the Survivors Guide on the right? ----------->> There are some very helpful steps to guide you as you ease into this time of learning about BPD.

What types of things have helped you begin to understand about your mum? Was it an article or book you read? Are there any other members in your family that recognize her disorder too?

I look forward to hearing more of your story!

Wools

[unicorn2014]

Hi Gazelle, welcome to BPD family!

Have you had any therapy or recovery ?

[mantamoo]

Hi Gazelle,

      Welcome! I'm new at understanding BPD also. My mom was just diagnosed about a month ago. There was a few eye opening events that happened and I'm kind of in the same position you are in. Mine are slightly different. My piece together moments are about manipulation. My mom has a very different view of the world as people with BPD do. My mom would also lie to get people on her side, so that's where I'm at. What is real and what isn't. What is normal in a relationship with others what isn't. I don't know if you have ever read the Hunger Games books or seen the movies, but there is a Part in both where one of the characters, Peta, had been brainwashed by the people in the capitol. When he is rescued, the hero, Katniss, tries to help Peta by telling him what is real or not because he has visions and things from being brainwashed. He asks Katniss "real or not real". That's kind of how it feels for me at least, coming out of a relationship with my mom who is very manipulative.


The book Stop Walking on Eggshells is a really good book about how you can understand and cope with someone who has BPD.


Mantamoo