I contacted her today and am going for a drink tonight...

[confusedbloke]

She was out yesterday afternoon in a pub... .my mates were there.  They texted me to tell me that she was in, so I had to miss out on going.  I was on a date last night anyway (tbh it went well but im not interested), so I stayed in the local pub.  She told my mates that she loves me and misses me and cannot stop thinking about me.  One of my friends said to her that I'd been on holiday and she broke down apparently.

I dont want to see her in pain, but more importantly I wont allow myself to be in pain. I dont know why Im meeting her tonight, maybe I miss her, maybe I dont want to have to avoid her, maybe I just want to get on, maybe the following texts have swung it... .I dont know what the reason is.

I was texting today and she is very sorry about everything.  She said that I never gave her time... .I always wanted to do anything but see her... .and tbf, she had a point.  I was so fed up by then end, that I would think of any excuse but to see her.

She said that letting go of loving me is the hardest thing she has ever done. She said that I wasnt faultless and said that I always thought I was... .Again, tbf, shes got a point. 

I did blame her for everything.  In my mind she was always wrong... .I guess its because of the way she acted. I wasnt used to such behaviour. She also said that I said horrible things on text, so she was confused that I ever liked her, let alone loved her.  But again, I said horrible things, coz she just used to ignore me - and while I was in that bubble, I wasnt thinking straight and said nasty things as I was confused and frustrated.

She said that she gave herself to me and because I hurt her she became more distant.  Then she said I should have accepted her for who she was (I couldnt do that). She said that I broke her and never loved her because I never knew her.  She said just because she begged for my time and attention that I accused her of being jealous and possessive - which I guess is true.  But I was getting more and more fed up... .I didnt want to be around her.

I said to her that she never apologised for anything.  She said she did.  She said that it wasnt always my fault and I assumed thats what she though.  I have a busy life and she said that it wasnt that busy and she wanted to be part of it and that I shut her out. I responded by saying we were both stupid then... .  And she said "Yes very stupid and I am sorry very very sorry and I miss you so much it hurts, it still hurts".

She said shes not been bad mouthing me and it hurts to hear that Im moving on.  She said she thinks about me everyday and she's gutted.  She also said that maybe if we had have met a few months later then things would have been different and that we have got ourselves to blame and nobody elses fault.

TBF she has told me all this before a few times - but maybe my ears were shut.  As I didnt know how to handle her.  She said that she doesnt want to think of me hurting, and she said that she has hurt so painfully coz I seemed to have moved on so quickly (I had to make myself move on).  She said that I was so busy trying to get things how I wanted them that I never had time to learn what she needed - Again, true I guess. I said that I was probably messed up after my marriage ended and wasnt quite ready for a relationship. 

She said all this is such a shame as she would have done anything for me and loved me so passionately.  She says she knows I dont believe that she did, but she said she did... .and still does. She said she pulled away from me coz she couldnt handle the texts - the things I said cut deep with her... .I was a bit nasty sometimes... .I was just "getting my own back"... .stupid I know. 

She said she felt hard done to at times and that everyone else came first before her - she said this affected how she saw me but never hated me or stopped being in love with me. She said we should have talked better and she knows I didnt mean a lot of the stuff I said on the texts... .I responded that I was losing my mind with her and and was extremely frustrated. 

She said she just wanted to be mine.  She said that she just wanted me to love her and hold her.  She said that us f***** this up is going to be the biggest regret of her life.  She said shes been playing different scenarios over and over in her head.  I ended by saying this is a mess and she agreed wholeheartedly.  So I offered to go for a drink with her.

I think it was nice to hear all that.  I believe she means it.  I think Ive got some issues to work on also - Ive probably for once listened to her.  Dont think I really did as I was blinkered by what she did and how she acted and was so ready to fight back.  I perhaps have repeated the pattern I did with my ex wife and didnt give her the love that I should have.  I thought I did.  Im not saying that Im blaming myself for all this, but I was very paranoid when I first met her, and being a beautiful woman who was still living with her (ex?)boyfriend at the time... .it messed me up as she was always curious about who was ringing me or who I was talking to... .it was a really bad start.  Because of my paranoia, it maybe messed her up and made her into having some of these traits.  Shes had 2 relationships in the last 20 years so doesnt follow the classic BPD.  But the rages and ignoring and all the other stuff fits.

I dunno - will let you know how it goes... .

Cheers

[Hadlee]

Another case of a pwBPD coming back once the ex has moved on!

If she is a pwBPD then the outcome of your relationship would have been the same even if you had done everything right.  The disorder always wins in the end.

It sounds like she opened up to you a lot.  Whatever it is you are wanting from reconnecting, I hope all goes well with meeting up

[Stripey77]

Good luck with it all! It sure sounds like a better place to be in than being painted black or being at odds with one another... .whatever happens, it sounds like progress. Keep us all posted!

In your heart of hearts, do you have some idea of what you'd like to come out of it?

[once removed]

hey confusedbloke 

if you are reengaging, i strongly encourage you to consider posting and reading on the Improving board, and especially learning the lessons there. the skills and tools taught will be invaluable to improving your relationship (even if it remains at a friendship level), or for that matter, all of your relationships of all kinds.

Improving Board 

the lessons are at the top of the thread list, and to the far right of the board.

[lunchbox123]

My thoughts are she is in a bad place right now, her abandonment fears are kicking in as she sees you moving on. She's pouring her heart out to you to make herself feel better and once she does, aka once she knows you're at her mercy again, she'll drop you like a brick.

Be warned confused, you left her for a reason.

[confusedbloke]

Hey everyone - thought I'd give an update on what happened... .

I met her in the bar.  She looked beautiful and yet nervous.  She wore my favorite clothes. She was shaking.

We engaged in small talk and then once we relaxed we started to talk.  Things felt different.

I had changed.  I'd become confident.  When I first met her 15 months ago, I was so nervous and not feeling good enough for her.  I dont feel that way anymore.

We relaxed even more and she admitted that she has been obsessed with me (I told you all that I downloaded fatal attraction - for research!) since the beginning!  She thought that I never cared about her and just went completely crazy.  She had 90% of the BPD traits.

When I first posted I said I felt like I was almost there - to break through to her... .But it just became too mental.

Leaving her for these 5 weeks has completely made her think about things - and me tbf. I think I have broken through to her.

I reached over and kissed her. She completely crumbled and started crying. She is besotted with me. I am besotted with her.

It feels like she has BPD but not in the finding another man sense. Its like Im the only man.  It really does feel that way. I dont know what it is but its like im her drug.  Its really weird, but we are both intoxicating to each other.  And I have to say, now that I studied up on all this lot, Im gonna enjoy this woman, I mean, just understand that shes not a normal woman (but what does that make me for being attracted to her?), and just enjoy her.

I mean who wouldnt want the most beautful girl (who you think is) absolutely dropping at your feet, adoring you and that every other bloke she sees is completely irrelevant... .She never notices them... .I love that.  And shes sweet and lovely, caring and nice... .  But its that dark side.  That insecure evil creature, Its that dark side that I want to get rid of.  Because she aint good like that. And I know she wants rid of it aswell... .she just needs to let go. And she will.

she likes the "Im missing you baby, wish you were here", kind of texts.  or "I love you baby"... .at any point during the day... .And do you know something - so do I.  When I met her I was like that. I sent texts like that all the time but because of my paranoias, and her crazy behaviour i Stopped being like that... .

We have both said tonight that we require an obsessesd partner. 

She is identical to me.  I need those texts.  I go insane if I dont get them.  She does. She needed 24/7 reassurance from me that I love her... .but so did I.  Because I didnt feel she was being right with me I backed off, which made her back off then we got into this awful tangle and this weird BPD type thing came out and it ended when I was about to get my head kicked in. 

None of that matters anymore.  I get her.  She gets me now. We get each other and adore each other.  She defo has BPD, but I can imagine them being the best partners for us kinda people once they trust us... .And thats why we endevour!

Thank you to all the wonderful contributors on this site - you have completely saved me... .really really have! love you all and I'll report back in a few months and let you know how it goes. And if it is really possible to be with someone who displays BPD traits

Ciao x

[Herodias]

Well, sounds like you have made up your mind. Just please remember we all felt the same way you do now. I thought my ex and I were totally into each other too. It's how they operate. Please be careful - think about what you have learned here. Good luck.

[confusedbloke]

Thanks blue. I have to give it a shot. I feel like I have a wealth of knowledge to be able to handle this now. But I will always be aware of BPD. That will never go.

Put it this way I bet a good 95% of the good people on this forum would go for it in my position... one last shot and if no good then I'll never wonder what if... .  but I will be sensible about this... .I know I'm playing with fire but I won't get burnt. It's gonna be cool. I get it now... .I understand what they need... .

Cheers

[Stripey77]

Confused, good luck! Yes, of course, we all would, given another chance. It certainly does seem as if you've broken down some of her walls. As long as you go into this with eyes wide open and remember that Ms. Hyde is liable to make an appearance again, and you are ready for it... .then you forewarned is forearmed, as they say.

I know exactly how you're feeling right now, having to some extent 're engaged' with my ex at the same time you were doing so. Not to the extent that we are back together, he is still fighting that, and who knows, maybe the little time I've had with him recently is all I'm going to get, but it was wonderful. He was the one who initiated the talk, the kiss, everything... .after  months of treating me like the invisible woman. It's been amazing. 

I don't resonate so much with the needing someone who is obsessed with me... .but it sounds to me that you've done your research and looked inside yourself. Like me, it seems that you understand your ex now better than you ever did before.  I even told mine that "I know you"... .and he agreed. I can also look inside myself, and being honest, admit to myself the times when  deep down, I kind of knew I was saying or doing something that would make him say I wasn't on his team. At the time I thought he was just extremely mercurial and that there was something very wrong... .I know so much more now than I did at the time, I reckon I could avoid the majority of such things happening again.


Echoing Blue, do tread carefully. Take it slowly. Keep your eyes open. But as you say, if you don't try, you'll never know.

Good luck! 

[steelwork]

I for sure would have gone for it a few months ago! Good luck, stay safe, we'll be here if you need us. Thanks for the view from inside. I feel like you are describing my first few months with my ex.

[freemanstrut]

Talk is cheap.  Judge her contrition by her actions, and not her words.

I wish you luck.

[confusedbloke]

Thanks for all the comments guys.  And what is the status with your ex stripey? I hope it goes well... .  I want to look at this as a challenge.  I like a challenge 

WOW yes I will be careful.  I will be careful not to get sucked into the crazy way of thinking.

I feel different about the situation. I feel confident.  I just feel that I dont "need" her anymore.  But Id like to have her.

Theres a difference.  I can cope without her... .It was difficult, but I got on with it and would have been fine.

She said that the last 5 weeks have been the toughest of her life.  Shes been listening to all the sad songs and just basically missed me like mad and constantly thinking about me.  She is so scared of going back to them 5 weeks that I truly believe she will fight her demons in order to avoid that.  She has opened up unbelievably.  Its quite strange for me to hear, but I like it.  Its all I ever wanted.

And I found out what happened with the guys coming into the pub. Me and her had a fight a couple of months back.  It got physical and she was attacking me so I pushed her away very hard 3 times and she banged her head and her leg and arms and I kicked her - as I was sick of the abuse... .  I lost control Im ashamed to say... .But she pushed me to the absolute edge... .  Ive never been like that with anyone ever... .but I have since found out that those with BPD cant turn a completely nice, warm, rational man into a crazy monster... .  SO I don't feel too bad about it - as she had sent me insane!  Once I kicked her out of the house she went home bruised.  Her landlord asked what had happened - so he took it upon himself to come after me. I thought that she had been saying bad things about me.  But she hadnt.

Her issues come from the fact that she was just insecure that I didnt like her - thats all what it was about.  And TBF it became that way.

I went off her and it spiralled terribly out of control... .to the point of physical violence... .

Oh and I got my keys back.  I never asked for them - I was waiting to see if she offered.  And she did. I never asked for any explanation as to why she never gave them back.  I waited to see if she would.  And again she did.  She said that she just couldnt bring herself to send them as then it would be completely final.  She truly is besotted with me - because for the first time in her life she has met a good man.  She sees how I am with my kids.  She sees how much my kids love me and she desperately wants to be a part of my family... .Im a good dad and a good partner.  She got so scared of losing us, that she went nuts, and well, lost us.  She needs a positive influence in her life... .not one that constantly criticises her (which I did, and every other person in her life).  I wont criticise her ever again.  My mother criticised everything I did... .I didnt like it... .so I can relate to that.

She has also since got herself a good job (shes been out of work for months), and she said that she has something else to focus on now.

She said she wanted to get the job so she could be a part of us - so we can go on family holidays etc.  She had been day dreaming constantly about all of us together - these 5 weeks really have woken her up.  She said it was a massive wake up call... .She has an idealised view of how a family should be... .and Im the man that is like that.  Me and the kids are like that.

She said that she cannot believe shes got another chance and that she will not mess it up this time.  I said the same back.  Ive never heard her apologize or be so honest with me before... .Its nice.

I want to be on an even keel with her.  I dont want to gloat or "show her the error of her ways".  I want to show her positivity only... .in that she can rely on me.  She can rely on me to always be there for her... .  We will crack this.  I will react differently when I see she is about to trigger.  I dont know how, but because Im armed with all this information from you amazing guys, I feel it will just come naturally.  BPD is terrible for everyone concerned but I genuinely believe its reversible, with the non being patient and understanding what makes them tick.  I get it now.  Its a lot of hassle, but I think shes worth it.

Although I could be talking complete nonsense and deluding myself!   

Nevertheless, my gut is saying go for it.  Oh and when I said I like someone to be obsessed with me, I meant I like to be the most important person in their life... .same as what she needs with me... .

So wish me luck, I'll update from time to time and let everyone know how its going... .and with any luck I'll be back in the forum with the magic formula that has made for a harmonious relationship with someone with BPD, and not here to get over my ex again... .

Cheers!

[Stripey77]

As I said, I don't know my 'status' at the moment, he is currently away for a few weeks on his annual holiday home. I guess we will see where the land lies when he returns. I suppose I have in essence 'got back on the merry go round' although not sure I was ever off it, really. My heart never changed.

I am well aware that when he gets back he could be utterly resolved that we don't work as a couple. But I also know now, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is unable to stay away from me permanently. Let's see. Either way, I am in a much better place than I have been for months.

[C.Stein]

I want to look at this as a challenge.  I like a challenge  

I get the feeling here your looking at her like some kind of puzzle to solve, and if you can put all the pieces together then maybe you might consider reconciliation at a romantic level and if not then see ya.  :)isordered or not she is a human being with feelings not a puzzle or a challenge to be figured out or not.  :)on't play games with her.

There is also the issue of this constant need for validation on both your parts.  This is an issue I feel needs to be addressed before any consideration for romantic reconciliation occurs.  It is not healthy in any way, shape or form.

I see some glossing over of reality here which is understandable, we all have done it.  Tread carefully my friend and conduct yourself with integrity.

[once removed]

I get it now... .I understand what they need... .

with any luck I'll be back in the forum with the magic formula that has made for a harmonious relationship with someone with BPD, and not here to get over my ex again... .

confusedbloke, you should know that therapists who have studied and treated people with BPD for decades, will see their own therapist when treating someone with BPD.

reconciling can be a great thing. youre sweeping major issues under the rug, and doing so with reckless abandon. there is no magic formula but i want to reiterate, there are proven skills and tools on the Improving board where partners have seen incredible success. you dont have to disappear from the board, and you dont have to do this alone.

[Hadlee]

I think you are swept up in magical thoughts, not to mention the idealization phase.

BPD is terrible for everyone concerned but I genuinely believe its reversible, with the non being patient and understanding what makes them tick.  I get it now.  Its a lot of hassle, but I think shes worth it.

I beg to differ here.  There is no cure for BPD.  It takes a qualified therapist YEARS to work through the layers associated with a disordered soul, and not all are successful.  So, what hope does an armchair psychologist have "reversing" the disorder?  At a guess... .0 to none chance.

With that said, I wish you all the best, and hope things do work out the way you want them to    

[confusedbloke]

Youre probably right guys - I have no real agenda... .I just want to give it a shot.  If it fails then it fails.  Im am absolutely on my guard and fully aware of the condition... .

I know that if this time does fail, then at least I tried, with the knowledge I accrued.  Im a researcher and tester by nature, if I didn't try this then I wouldn't be being true to myself.

Ive been through hell with her because I didn't know anything about the condition... .I was treating her like I was in a normal relationship and absolutely baffled why she did things a certain way... .But I do get her now.  I know what she needs and she knows what I do.  If I don't get what I need then I will walk away.

TBH its highly unlikely that anything will come of it because her friends do not like me and mine do not like her.  Everyone thinks our relationship was a joke and as far as everyone is concerned we are not in touch - there would be no way we could be seen together - so I doubt much will come of it.

I am actually ok about all this.  Im not being all love struck like I was at the beginning of our relationship.  Im aware of things now. 

It was basically the other night.  I went on a date - it went well, and lets say, it ended up being a one night stand.  I awoke in the morning and just felt crap.  I haven't had a one night stand in over 20 years... .So that's when I texted exBPDgf.  I asked to meet her for a drink and it went from there.  But when we talked it was like talking to someone else.  She says she has learnt her lesson etc etc etc.  Shes never spoken like that before.  It was always my fault.  But I look back and I was very insecure at the beginning and I did treat her quite badly... .and she was falling for me quickly and I guess couldn't handle it... .then it ended up as it was.

I don't feel insecure anymore.  I feel in control of me and my life.  Ive needed these weeks away from her to gather my thoughts... .

Thanks for the comments guys and I'll let you know

[bAlex]

Hey everyone - thought I'd give an update on what happened... .

I met her in the bar.  She looked beautiful and yet nervous.  She wore my favorite clothes. She was shaking.

We engaged in small talk and then once we relaxed we started to talk.  Things felt different.

I had changed.  I'd become confident.  When I first met her 15 months ago, I was so nervous and not feeling good enough for her.  I dont feel that way anymore.

We relaxed even more and she admitted that she has been obsessed with me (I told you all that I downloaded fatal attraction - for research!) since the beginning!  She thought that I never cared about her and just went completely crazy.  She had 90% of the BPD traits.

When I first posted I said I felt like I was almost there - to break through to her... .But it just became too mental.

Leaving her for these 5 weeks has completely made her think about things - and me tbf. I think I have broken through to her.

I reached over and kissed her. She completely crumbled and started crying. She is besotted with me. I am besotted with her.

It feels like she has BPD but not in the finding another man sense. Its like Im the only man.  It really does feel that way. I dont know what it is but its like im her drug.  Its really weird, but we are both intoxicating to each other.  And I have to say, now that I studied up on all this lot, Im gonna enjoy this woman, I mean, just understand that shes not a normal woman (but what does that make me for being attracted to her?), and just enjoy her.

I mean who wouldnt want the most beautful girl (who you think is) absolutely dropping at your feet, adoring you and that every other bloke she sees is completely irrelevant... .She never notices them... .I love that.  And shes sweet and lovely, caring and nice... .  But its that dark side.  That insecure evil creature, Its that dark side that I want to get rid of.  Because she aint good like that. And I know she wants rid of it aswell... .she just needs to let go. And she will.

she likes the "Im missing you baby, wish you were here", kind of texts.  or "I love you baby"... .at any point during the day... .And do you know something - so do I.  When I met her I was like that. I sent texts like that all the time but because of my paranoias, and her crazy behaviour i Stopped being like that... .

We have both said tonight that we require an obsessesd partner. 

She is identical to me.  I need those texts.  I go insane if I dont get them.  She does. She needed 24/7 reassurance from me that I love her... .but so did I.  Because I didnt feel she was being right with me I backed off, which made her back off then we got into this awful tangle and this weird BPD type thing came out and it ended when I was about to get my head kicked in. 

None of that matters anymore.  I get her.  She gets me now. We get each other and adore each other.  She defo has BPD, but I can imagine them being the best partners for us kinda people once they trust us... .And thats why we endevour!

Thank you to all the wonderful contributors on this site - you have completely saved me... .really really have! love you all and I'll report back in a few months and let you know how it goes. And if it is really possible to be with someone who displays BPD traits

Ciao x

You're incredibly lucky. I remember getting those txt's as well... I remember how amazing she can be too...   I'm with you on this, I believe there is hope in a happy ending and it goes against everything I believed a few months back. I'd give anything to be you right now.

[FannyB]

Youre probably right guys - I have no real agenda... .I just want to give it a shot.  If it fails then it fails.  Im am absolutely on my guard and fully aware of the condition... .

I know that if this time does fail, then at least I tried, with the knowledge I accrued.  Im a researcher and tester by nature, if I didn't try this then I wouldn't be being true to myself.

Hi mate

I had the same attitude second time around with mine - I was 'BPD aware' but the disorder won in the end despite my best efforts.    Just a word of friendly advice - treat her well, but keep a bit of yourself back this time.

First break up I was devastated, second time I was relieved. The only difference was that I was wary and wanted actions not words before I let her break my heart again.


Fanny

[WoundedBibi]

I think you are swept up in magical thoughts, not to mention the idealization phase.

BPD is terrible for everyone concerned but I genuinely believe its reversible, with the non being patient and understanding what makes them tick.  I get it now.  Its a lot of hassle, but I think shes worth it.

I beg to differ here.  There is no cure for BPD.  It takes a qualified therapist YEARS to work through the layers associated with a disordered soul, and not all are successful.  So, what hope does an armchair psychologist have "reversing" the disorder?  At a guess... .0 to none chance. 

^^^^^^ this.

There is no magic formula. You are not better or smarter than all those therapists, psychologists and shrinks that have tried to treat pwBPD.

You say you will never criticize her again. That you are the ideal partner. That you and your children are the ideal family.

Ideal does not exist. In an adult relationship you do criticize each other but in a healthy mature way. Why? Because you are 2 people, not 1, and you will NEVER agree on EVERYTHING and you will never feel not hurt by something she says. Wake up, people in relationships get hurt. The trick is to know how to handle hurting and being hurt. Neither of you is able to do so IMHO.

Never criticizing her again, accept everything she will ever say and do (basically being a doormat), you have just (again) put on your shiny armor and climbed on to your white horse. You're playing puzzle solver and saviour rolled into one.

You say you have learned about BPD behaviour but I wonder what you have learned about your own behaviour apart from loosing it because she 'went nuts'. Why do you need to be in a relationship where you can play the saviour or the puzzle solver? Why do you need to feel in control? Why do you need to paint an ideal picture, where you are the ideal man, she is the ideal woman and with your kids you will create the ideal family? Have you looked into how your mother's criticism has influenced you in how you view yourself and relationships?

And as to 'having someone', people are not possessions. The only person you will ever 'own' is you. Everybody else is their own master and beyond your control.

[FlyFish]

Just to echo others: Tread carefully my friend. It does not take much to become enmeshed in BPD whirlwind of confusion and disorder again and again and again, especially if you still love them. I feel for you. I went through multiple breakup/recycles with my ex. The second to last one was a six week break followed by a similar situation that you currently find yourself in. She was extremely open to any questions I had and admitted to knowing that she was hurting me. She told me “she loved me and always will” and “letting me go was possibly the worst mistake she is making in her life”. Well I fell right back in and just like you I was so damn confident that I had learned my lesson and could use my new found knowledge, patience, and skills to have a healthy continued relationship with my uexBPDgf. Well maybe a month in I saw the 'old her' creeping back in and it just went downhill from there. Nothing I could do or say could stop it. And trust me it crushed me even more. She ended up leaving me for her ex BF. I got burned.

It is wrong to believe that you can stop her BPD from manifesting. This line of thinking will get you in trouble. Trust her actions not her words as you continue forward. Good Luck to you

[Herodias]

"There is no magic formula. You are not better or smarter than all those therapists, psychologists and shrinks that have tried to treat pwBPD.

You say you will never criticize her again. That you are the ideal partner. That you and your children are the ideal family.

Ideal does not exist. In an adult relationship you do criticize each other but in a healthy mature way. Why? Because you are 2 people, not 1, and you will NEVER agree on EVERYTHING and you will never feel not hurt by something she says. Wake up, people in relationships get hurt. The trick is to know how to handle hurting and being hurt. Neither of you is able to do so IMHO.

Never criticizing her again, accept everything she will ever say and do (basically being a doormat), you have just (again) put on your shiny armor and climbed on to your white horse. You're playing puzzle solver and saviour rolled into one.

You say you have learned about BPD behaviour but I wonder what you have learned about your own behaviour apart from loosing it because she 'went nuts'. Why do you need to be in a relationship where you can play the saviour or the puzzle solver? Why do you need to feel in control? Why do you need to paint an ideal picture, where you are the ideal man, she is the ideal woman and with your kids you will create the ideal family? Have you looked into how your mother's criticism has influenced you in how you view yourself and relationships?

And as to 'having someone', people are not possessions. The only person you will ever 'own' is you. Everybody else is their own master and beyond your control."



Really great advice WoundedBibi... .

[confusedbloke]

Hi everyone - thanks for your comments once again.  Certainly a mixed bag of responses.

Ok so woundedbibi... .You have felt quite passionate in your text... .

I think ideal does exist.  Ideal is what motivates us in life.  What is your ideal?  Do you have one?  Or do you hang about on these forums and put people down because they are trying to make a shot of something?  Thats not me.  Im an idealist.  You sound quite bitter and negative.  Maybe you should change your attitude in life and get out there instead of stifling other peoples opinions when they are asking for help? After 856 posts surely you should be starting to move on by now?

And its not about being a puzzle solver - youve clearly read someone elses post and jumped on that.  Its about doing your research, knowing that the partner is in fact a good person, and doing what you can to make it work.  I think youve read too many BPD stories and formed the opinion that they are all the same... .When in fact they arent.  Everybody is different - BPD or not.  We are all individual.  And no.  Im not going to criticize her - I did all along... .and its wrong.  No one deserves to be criticized (get the hint) for being the person they are.  And Ive learned plenty about my own behaviour - obviously you scanned through my posts without actually reading them.  And its not about possesions or being in control - re read what I said without being annoyed and you might get it. Look tbh, I think you are in a bad place and its not actually worth conversing with you - youre not the kind of person that I wish to take advice from. But if all this backfires then you can say I told you so, and you will feel good about that.

Thanks Fanny and Alex they are positive words of encouragement and warnings... .very productive messages, thank you.

Hi Flyfish.  The only way that the relationship will change is if you do.  I have completely changed.  When I met her I was insecure and paranoid.  I didnt treat her very well because of that. I am not that person anymore.  But what you are saying is exactly whats happening with me... .and I will be aware - thank you.

Heron, I have always been a positive person... Youve just basically copied what that very wounded person said. I believe the best in people, well most people anyway.  If you read betweeen the lines of what I put then you will understand that, yes idealistic, I feel that this approach is going to be miles better than the approaches we have all identically done before. Everyone does the same - neediness.  It doesnt work.  It doesnt work with nons so it certainly aint gonna work with BPDers.  Being confident, strong and in control of your own life and kind to people is the only way to be.  When I met her I was broken after my marriage breakdown... .  I was needy. Its quite easy to work out really.

Anyway I picked her up from work and she wanted to show me around the place.  Its a huge auditorium where all the top acts go.  Very cool.  She came back and we went to bed.  We got up and its just totally different.  She actually said tonight that "I havent done any of them stupid behavious since we split up".  She also said that she cannot do the last 5 weeks again.  It has killed her.  But it was the wake up call she needed. I knew it.  I had to leave her and let her work things out.  She will fight those demons coz the alternative is too difficult for her... .  And I'll be there with her, supporting her and looking after her... .  And as I say, if the old her comes out then so be it - I'll be ok... .  I'll move on, but at least this time I knew what I was getting into.

Cheers

[steelwork]

You sound quite bitter and negative.  Maybe you should change your attitude in life and get out there instead of stifling other peoples opinions when they are asking for help? After 856 posts surely you should be starting to move on by now?

You know, it's great you're feeling good about your decision to take up this relationship again, but I have to wonder why you're looking for validation here. Once Removed's advice to move over to the Improving board seems reasonable. What's not reasonable is telling someone else they should have moved on.

[confusedbloke]

That persons comments I felt were a little cutting. I was certainly not trying to be the big I am saying that my armchair psychology was going to fix the situation... I was just pouring my heart out as it's a confusing time. I was just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I felt that person insulted what I said so I was trying to make them realise that before they start telling me what is right and wrong that maybe after all this time of being on here, perhaps they should go and get into the world and move on with life

[Herodias]

That persons comments I felt were a little cutting. I was certainly not trying to be the big I am saying that my armchair psychology was going to fix the situation... I was just pouring my heart out as it's a confusing time. I was just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I felt that person insulted what I said so I was trying to make them realise that before they start telling me what is right and wrong that maybe after all this time of being on here, perhaps they should go and get into the world and move on with life

I don't think it was intended that way. I think she is just trying to get you to understand the situation. I think if yours is really BPD, then it will be harder than you realize. You need to do what you need to do. I took classes through NAMI while I was still with mine. I think it scared him that I would figure him out and leave him. I wouldn't tell her that you now "understand" her, because you probably don't. I don't understand mine, but I think I do more than other people if you know what I mean. We all have been through allot here and many of us have been through many recycles. We just don't want to see you get hurt again. If you are up for the responsibility and effort is takes to be in this, then more power to you. Some of us are still reeliing in the pain from many years of being in it... .I hope you can understand. We wish the best for you. We know how strong that feeling of love for these people can be. I takes over all other feelings. Just be careful... .that's all. It could work if she gets help for herself. They do realize they need to change and they do it for awhile. It's hard for them to keep it up... .I understand your frustration. You want to do what your heart tells you... .It is really difficult. You do what's best for you and we will support you either way. You may want to get some advice from the staying or undecided section of the group though... .see if they can be supportive in a different way- especially the saving the relationship thread... Good luck.

[lbjnltx]

Advising and Supporting Others: Members should offer advice as peer opinions targeted directly to the host of the thread. Members shall offer only compassionate, well founded and fact based advice. Members critiquing, or challenging the advise of others should offer their comments in a respectful, positive and constructive manner. Members should respect and embrace the opinions of others, not deride them, and recognize diversity is an important part of the learning process.


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[steelwork]

It does sound confusing. You didn't seem all that confused in what you wrote, but maybe that's a kind of self-talk to keep you optimistic?

Anyhow, many of us will read this:

I was trying to make them realise that before they start telling me what is right and wrong that maybe after all this time of being on here, perhaps they should go and get into the world and move on with life

and react negatively to the suggestion that they are struggling because they aren't getting out in the world. There's a helpful way to say that, and there's a not-helpful way. How many of us have heard from friends, family, people who have never experienced a relationship like this, to "just move on with life"? We are here to show a little more compassion for each other, I hope.

Furthermore (though maybe you weren't aware), woundedbibi has health issues that limit her mobility.

[steelwork]

I posted before seeing the note from the moderator, and I hope what I said wasn't out of line. confusedbloke, I hope you don't feel non-supported here.

[Ahoy]

I posted before seeing the note from the moderator, and I hope what I said wasn't out of line. confusedbloke, I hope you don't feel non-supported here.

As interesting as this discussion has been, I agree with once removed it now belongs on a different board.

A lot of us on this side of the website are processing a LOT of pain and negative emotion while also trying to be protective of others on here so they are not exposed to further hurt.

Congratulations confused on your development. I wholeheartedly admire your optimism and I can only wish you the best of luck and success but please tread carefully mate. As much as you have gained understanding from this website, you know the risks and the potential to be right back here in a few months even further crushed than before (of course I hope that doesn't happen). With that being said, if that does happen, the people commenting here are the ones you may be looking to for further help and support. It's important we all be respectful.