having a tough week

[jc1010]

Idk what triggered it, i miss her a lot though as of late. I've been no contact for a 2 and half months now. I think about her a lot still. I've been doing a significantly large amount of work on myself too. I think its my subconcious' way to bring up rejection whenever i think about her. I really did miss her last night. I wanted to call her, but instead I checked out my replacements instagram... it was like i had to, honestly like a drug its ridiculous. He's this yoga instructor ten years older than her who is all zen and into healing through yoga and flexible and whatnot. It really hurt, and i knew it was probably going to hurt looking at his page, but it was the impulse to just do it.

I guess i also wanted to see if they were still together. They dont have any pictures together but, she likes all his pics and they comment back and forth. I felt so sick, it really hurt and i wish i hadn't looked. The relatiionship ended in october. but she kept me around as a 'friend' for a few months, throwing me a crumb every once and a while. It just makes it easier for me to compare her to me in our paths to healing and how she's doing so well and what not. I just needed to vent and someone to talk to because i feel really sick/sad right now.

[Mutt]

Hi jc1010,



            

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It has to be hard blocking your best friend, the first few weeks are the hardest, kudos for you for making it this far.

It just makes it easier for me to compare her to me in our paths to healing and how she's doing so well and what not.

Can you elaborate on this?

                                 

[C.Stein]

I think we all have been in the place you are now.  Questioning ourselves, minimizing the bad, trying somehow to deal with the rejection and sense of worthlessness.  It is hard, quite possibly the hardest and most painful thing you have faced in your life, it has been for me.

There is nothing good that can come from comparing yourself to your ex.  You are facing your pain, dealing with it and hopefully with time learning and growing from it.  She is not doing these things.  She is hiding from her pain, pain she has most likely been hiding from her whole life.  She hides from it within relationships.  She is not facing her pain or the pain she has caused ... .and as a result the cycle will continue in perpetuity.   It is a pretend and false sense of happiness and love, one that is derived from others.  When the mask cracks, when the current partner begins to wear down and show signs of breaking, that pain will surface once more until the mask shatters and the cycle starts once again.

You can get through this, you will get through this!  First thing you need to do though is stop checking up on her.  It is hard enough to deal with the loss without inviting more pain into your life. 

[jc1010]

Hi jc1010,




            

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It has to be hard blocking your best friend, the first few weeks are the hardest, kudos for you for making it this far.

It just makes it easier for me to compare her to me in our paths to healing and how she's doing so well and what not.

Can you elaborate on this?



                                 

Well she is seeing a therapist and so am i.

And i have done so much growing myself, but its almost like my mind is asking if i am worthy of her again. I get to so many points when i'm feeling so great about all the progress i've done and i imagine that she has done as well. I mean she sees a therapist and does a lot of yoga, so my mind tries to tell me that she is doing extremely well in healing herself and becoming more mindful, emotionally intelligent etc. My mind starts to tell me that she is doing a lot of emotional growth as well, only this time around she is sharing this positive growth with this yoga instructor that she has replaced me with who is ten years older than her. He seems like he is mindful, very physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy, and together it seems they have a great relationship.

It's almost like my mind wants me to get to a point where i feel worthy of her again. That i am healed and have emotionally grown enough to come back to her and together have a great relationship. My mind tries telling me she might not have BPD. That she is absolutely fine. So, i guess i compare myself to her and imagine how much growth she is doing, and i have these thoughts that she is all zen and mindful and what not now. it brings me so much anxiety when i picture her doing so well mentally, spiritually, physically with this guy, and i'm not worthy of her. Just my thoughts, i know i shouldnt believe them but i just miss her is all and i guess i never really completely let go, she told me maybe one day we'd end up together, and it's kind of made it hard

just really emotional right now, trying to let these thoughts i'm having come but not believe them and let them go. Venting about it on here helps because you guys are there for me,

thanks JQ

[jc1010]

I think we all have been in the place you are now.  Questioning ourselves, minimizing the bad, trying somehow to deal with the rejection and sense of worthlessness.  It is hard, quite possibly the hardest and most painful thing you have faced in your life, it has been for me.

There is nothing good that can come from comparing yourself to your ex.  You are facing your pain, dealing with it and hopefully with time learning and growing from it.  She is not doing these things.  She is hiding from her pain, pain she has most likely been hiding from her whole life.  She hides from it within relationships.  She is not facing her pain or the pain she has caused ... .and as a result the cycle will continue in perpetuity.   It is a pretend and false sense of happiness and love, one that is derived from others.  When the mask cracks, when the current partner begins to wear down and show signs of breaking, that pain will surface once more until the mask shatters and the cycle starts once again.

You can get through this, you will get through this!  First thing you need to do though is stop checking up on her.  It is hard enough to deal with the loss without inviting more pain into your life. 

Thank you C. Stein. When this type of thing happens, i get so anxious that i'm not normal for thinking about her and missing her after the amount of time its been, like  i'm not like everybody else or defective or something. almost like i need to get with it, and she is with it, along with all of society, almost like they're on the same team and i'm by myself on the other side. this is what my mind tries telling me in these instances.

[Mutt]

Hi jc1010,

My mind starts to tell me that she is doing a lot of emotional growth as well, only this time around she is sharing this positive growth with this yoga instructor that she has replaced me with who is ten years older than her. He seems like he is mindful, very physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy, and together it seems they have a great relationship.

I would feel distressed too.  JQ mentioned doing push-ups, sit-ups for self care. Exercise also helps with re-centering ourselves. We can't be certain what somebody else thinks, it's speculative. If we step back and look at this from a helicopter point of view, what's a different way of looking at it? What would you tell a friend?