I cannot decide if I need to go NC or not ...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

First of  all, thank you to all of you who read this message. It is a great  help for me to realize there is people out there who are in my situation.

I am a single mum of 37 with a wonderful  daughter (7), and we have a good bond. She’s a happy kid. Her father, who remarried, had a new baby some  weeks ago, and she’s very thrilled  about that.

My mum was (and is) borderline and acted  out, more on me than on my sister. My father, who shows narcissistic traits (no idea if he’s a narcissist, though), never did anything to protect me  or my sister. His own mum, my grandmother, is borderline (also alcoholic) so maybe he thought it was normal.  

After breaking up with a borderline boyfriend, I started to realize that my own mum had this disorder. I more or less confronted  my parents with this, and it was confirmed.

The bond  with my parents, that was  never good, has faded out over the years. They don’t visit often, and show little to no interest, neither in me, nor in their grandchild. When I visit (only on special occasions, like Christmas, mothersday, etc), they ignore me and just talk to  each other and to my sister and her partner. When my mother is  not ignoring me, she’s gaslighting and annoying me. Also my sister (who seems to show borderline traits, but I’m not sure of this) shows no interest – on the contrary. Over the years I have tried to keep contact with her and do things together with our children, so at least our children would have a bond. I can count the times she agreed on 1 hand.

My parents keep inviting me to the family gatherings, though. My mother afterwards posts pictures on her FB account – let’s pretend we have  a normal family, right. The show  must go on.

To make a long story short, I have always tried to keep the contact, for my daughters’ sake. Also because I don’t want to keep her away from her nieces. I always felt it was my duty to at least go to those family gatherings, so my child knows  her family. And somehow until recently I also went because I imagine it’s no fun celebrating Christmas and alike on your own.

Recently however, I have been feeling I am at the end  of my powers. It’s no fun going there, and being  ignored and shunned for a whole afternoon. I feel like an alien amongst them. Everyone pretending that everything is normal, my mother always  trying to get me out of my balance, gaslighting, … My mum behaves quite normal around my daughter (she has  no real interest, never inquires about her, but when we do visit, she pretend to have an active  interest in her). But recently there are little  things, you know, there is an alarm bell going off. It’s not much, and  I  would not say she  behaves like a borderline towards my child, but still, somethings is shifting.

My daughter is  also double about this all. Since over 1 year approx., she’s been asking why her grandparents never  visit us, why her great grandmother (my father’s mum)  is staying angry after something I did not even do, …  The only thing I can say to her, is that their behavior is not normal, and that it’s not her fault, but their responsibility, their choice.

She made me promise not to go to her grandparents, unless her nieces are there. At the age of 6, she realized that her grandparents never visited her, and she  felt she did not want  to go there anymore, either. She does want a bond with her nieces, though.

Some time ago, I kind of decided I cannot do it anymore, the stupid family visits. I told my daughter about it I. She was quite sad about not being able to see her nieces anymore. So I  am starting to doubt my ‘decision’  again. I want what is best for her. Also I try to educate her in a way she feels that she’s important, too. I don’t want that later she blames me for not knowing her family.

But I feel I cannot do this anymore. Weeks before the visit I am ruminating and worrying about it, and until weeks after, it’s the same.

Please tell me your ideas / opinions / reflections  about this. I am afraid I am stuck.

A big thank you to all  of  you, and  a big kiss to all who needs it !

S

[Fie]

First of  all, thank you to all of you who read this message. It is a great  help for me to realize there is people out there who are in my situation.

I am a single mum of 37 with a wonderful  daughter (7), and we have a good bond. She’s a happy kid. Her father, who remarried, had a new baby some  weeks ago, and she’s very thrilled  about that.

My mum was (and is) borderline and acted  out, more on me than on my sister. My father, who shows narcissistic traits (no idea if he’s a narcissist, though), never did anything to protect me  or my sister. His own mum, my grandmother, is borderline (also alcoholic) so maybe he thought it was normal.  

After breaking up with a borderline boyfriend, I started to realize that my own mum had this disorder. I more or less confronted  my parents with this, and it was confirmed.

The bond  with my parents, that was  never good, has faded out over the years. They don’t visit often, and show little to no interest, neither in me, nor in their grandchild. When I visit (only on special occasions, like Christmas, mothersday, etc), they ignore me and just talk to  each other and to my sister and her partner. When my mother is  not ignoring me, she’s gaslighting and annoying me. Also my sister (who seems to show borderline traits, but I’m not sure of this) shows no interest – on the contrary. Over the years I have tried to keep contact with her and do things together with our children, so at least our children would have a bond. I can count the times she agreed on 1 hand.

My parents keep inviting me to the family gatherings, though. My mother afterwards posts pictures on her FB account – let’s pretend we have  a normal family, right. The show  must go on.

To make a long story short, I have always tried to keep the contact, for my daughters’ sake. Also because I don’t want to keep her away from her nieces. I always felt it was my duty to at least go to those family gatherings, so my child knows  her family. And somehow until recently I also went because I imagine it’s no fun celebrating Christmas and alike on your own.

Recently however, I have been feeling I am at the end  of my powers. It’s no fun going there, and being  ignored and shunned for a whole afternoon. I feel like an alien amongst them. Everyone pretending that everything is normal, my mother always  trying to get me out of my balance, gaslighting, … My mum behaves quite normal around my daughter (she has  no real interest, never inquires about her, but when we do visit, she pretend to have an active  interest in her). But recently there are little  things, you know, there is an alarm bell going off. It’s not much, and  I  would not say she  behaves like a borderline towards my child, but still, somethings is shifting.

My daughter is  also double about this all. Since over 1 year approx., she’s been asking why her grandparents never  visit us, why her great grandmother (my father’s mum)  is staying angry after something I did not even do, …  The only thing I can say to her, is that their behavior is not normal, and that it’s not her fault, but their responsibility, their choice.

She made me promise not to go to her grandparents, unless her nieces are there. At the age of 6, she realized that her grandparents never visited her, and she  felt she did not want  to go there anymore, either. She does want a bond with her nieces, though.

Some time ago, I kind of decided I cannot do it anymore, the stupid family visits. I told my daughter about it I. She was quite sad about not being able to see her nieces anymore. So I  am starting to doubt my ‘decision’  again. I want what is best for her. Also I try to educate her in a way she feels that she’s important, too. I don’t want that later she blames me for not knowing her family.

But I feel I cannot do this anymore. Weeks before the visit I am ruminating and worrying about it, and until weeks after, it’s the same.

Please tell me your ideas / opinions / reflections  about this. I am afraid I am stuck.

A big thank you to all  of  you, and  a big kiss to all who needs it !

S

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Fie!

Thank you for posting and sharing your story with us! I am so sorry for the pain and sadness that you feel. No one can grasp the depths to which we children of a pwBPD grieve our losses, and the not being able to connect to that parent in the healthy ways that it should be. It's downright tough.

How sad that you and your daughter are treated this way at family gatherings. Way too lonely! I think it's very astute of your daughter to recognize that she needs some extra safety around her when she is visiting at these family gatherings.   She deserves an extra hug for that,   and you for supporting her do as well.   Sometimes it is necessary to maintain distance from the BPD in our life and you don't need to have FOG (feelings of guilt) over that choice if it is healthier for you and your daughter. First and foremost you need to see the value in yourself and your D and set up and maintain boundaries that work for you to protect you.

Do you have a support group or T of some kind or a close friend who walks alongside you with listening ears? Here you will find support and kindness and understanding. Keep us posted on how you are doing.


Wools

[P.F.Change]

Welcome to bpdfamily, Fie. 

The decision to end contact with a family member is usually not an easy one. I think we can all understand why some people decide it's for the best. My family history is a lot like yours, and I did end contact with my parents about five years ago. Since then, I have had some limited interactions with my father but I'm pretty content not seeing or talking to my mother. When I made the decision, My children were still all under the age of your daughter. The older ones asked questions for a while, but the younger ones don't even remember them. In some ways, that is a little sad, in that my parents do have positive qualities that would be nice to let my children know; on the other hand, in my opinion, the cost of trying to provide that for them was too high for me. NC is not always the best answer; in fact, many times it's preferable to at least work with limited contact and practice healthy boundaries. In my case, I felt I had tried everything I could and needed a break. It has given me space to heal and grow and I am now able to say I know what it feels like to be really happy.

I can understand your wanting to keep the door open for a relationship between your daughter and her cousins. It sounds like your sister doesn't really share that goal, though, so it may be something you can't control even if you decide to keep going to family functions. It sounds like you feel you need to take a break for a while, and that is ok. It doesn't necessarily have to be forever, all-or-nothing. What if you skip the next one and see how that goes?

It sounds like you have some good answers for your daughter. I think honesty is important and you've done it in a way that she probably feels validated and safe.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Fie]

Thank you for your replies ! It feels like a relief to see that you understand what I am writing about. I normally always have the feeling no one knows what it is to grow up with a bp parent.

I think the idea of skipping a family meeting is a good go-between for now.  It also feels good to see that some people actually took the decision to go NC. Apparently, it's not completely impossible.

Any suggestions on how I could bring the topic to my child if I finally would decide to go NC ? I feel like a horrible person just thinking about that and keeping her away from her cousins  :-(     How do I justify that towards her ?

[P.F.Change]

Any suggestions on how I could bring the topic to my child if I finally would decide to go NC ? I feel like a horrible person just thinking about that and keeping her away from her cousins  :-(     How do I justify that towards her ?

If it comes to that, I'm sure you'll know what to say. I didn't bring it up with my children; but if they asked I was honest in an age-appropriate way. Mostly I said things along the lines of I don't want to spend time with people who are mean to me and make me feel unsafe. I hoped that would also teach them something they could internalize in their own lives, that they can have boundaries, too. Like your daughter, my kids were already aware that something's not quite right about their grandmother's behavior, so they were not upset about any of it and it seemed to make sense to them.

I don't think you are keeping your daughter away from her cousins, even if you decide not to go to the extended family gatherings. It sounds like you try to arrange visits at other times, but it is your sister who isn't willing to let that happen. There are lots of other ways to keep in touch these days, too--maybe there is something the two of you can work out if it comes down to that.