stay with uBPD mom?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey everyone

I have not lived in the same state as my uBPD mom for many years. But, whenever I am back home in the area, I used to stay at my childhood home (where my parents both live). Over 2 years ago, I decided to go extremely low contact with my mother (just emails on major holidays—and the "decision" to go LC was more me not apologizing and her not contacting me ever again after one of her temper meltdowns). This also included the decision to not stay at home anymore because every single time I used to, my mother had epic meltdowns/tantrums that ruined the entire visit.

So, I am actually going to be back home for about a month or so due to work related obligations. I do have a couple of friends in the area, but a month is a long time. There is part of me that wonders if it could still be doable to stay at my parents' home and just not interact much with my mother (HUGE elephant in the room) and draw boundaries e.g. if she has a meltdown, then I will leave to crash at a friend's house/rent a place, etc.

I'm wondering if staying there is just a terrible, awful idea, or if others here have had "success" staying for a semi-extended period of time with their BPD relative—and how it worked out/what boundaries you may have set?

Thanks so much.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hey everyone

I have not lived in the same state as my uBPD mom for many years. But, whenever I am back home in the area, I used to stay at my childhood home (where my parents both live). Over 2 years ago, I decided to go extremely low contact with my mother (just emails on major holidays—and the "decision" to go LC was more me not apologizing and her not contacting me ever again after one of her temper meltdowns). This also included the decision to not stay at home anymore because every single time I used to, my mother had epic meltdowns/tantrums that ruined the entire visit.

So, I am actually going to be back home for about a month or so due to work related obligations. I do have a couple of friends in the area, but a month is a long time. There is part of me that wonders if it could still be doable to stay at my parents' home and just not interact much with my mother (HUGE elephant in the room) and draw boundaries e.g. if she has a meltdown, then I will leave to crash at a friend's house/rent a place, etc.

I'm wondering if staying there is just a terrible, awful idea, or if others here have had "success" staying for a semi-extended period of time with their BPD relative—and how it worked out/what boundaries you may have set?

Thanks so much.

[Turkish]

Have you proposed this yet? If so, how did she react?

Having Plans B, C, and D is probably a good idea.

[P.F.Change]

Your boundaries are yours and you decide what will work for you. 

I made the same decision not to stay in my parents' house. If it were me and my boundaries, it wouldn't even be an option. My sister still stays there sometimes, but ever since the time my mother got mad at her and hid her keys and wouldn't let her leave, she has a taxi number in her phone and knows which friends and hotels she can use as a backup.

If this is for work, there may be a way to get them to cover the cost of an extended-stay hotel or rental. Have you checked into that?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Naughty Nibbler]

Just throwing out a question.  Might BPD mom think that she is doing you a big favor (if you stay at her home) and think that you should be ingratiated to her and ; thereby, be more apt to behave badly?  Perhaps you might have a more pleasant situation if you stay elsewhere and make a few visits with your parents.  There is some value in NOT having to worry about when the meltdown is going to happen, and the need to make a quick get away. (unless, living on the edge doesn't bother you)

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hey everyone,

As always, thanks for your super helpful reflections/thoughts. Yeah, I work for myself these days, so unfortunately there is no external source I can look to cover the costs (otherwise I would have for sure have done that first).

Oye, it's tough. I just want to be able to crash in my childhood bedroom—the one place that feels like "my space." As I type that, it also makes me realize that I need to create "my space" for myself somewhere else (the tough reality). That will be something I will continue to work on.

Yeah, truth be told it really wasn't an option that I was *seriously* considering—but I guess every once in awhile, it would be nice to think that your childhood home would be a source of comfort rather than anxiety.

Another question: have you all done visits at home or in a public setting? I think my mother would be hard pressed to meet me in a public place (even with my enabling father present) but going home for a visit almost feels a bit like walking into a trap (reinforcing that staying elsewhere is truly the better option).

Thanks to you all.

[Naughty Nibbler]

A public place or perhaps the home of a friend or relative would offer a buffer.

An invitation to a meal out at mom's favorite restaurant might be an option. (perhaps your treat?).   If there are other relatives or friends nearby, who aren't dysfunctional, is it possible to have a gathering at their home and invite your parents?  Perhaps you could provide the food.  You could make it simple, perhaps a barbecue?  Or, you could pick up some take out food, paper plates, plastic utensils, etc.

My sister is the uBPD in my life.  My parents passed recently, but before that, their home was the default gathering place for holidays and celebrations.  We did our best to have simple, low fuss gatherings.  We would pick up a couple of rotisserie chickens and ribs from Costco, or take-out food from a favorite restaurant.  Someone would bring a salad, dessert and perhaps a side dish.  We would use paper plates and plastic utensils. Favorite foods, Low fuss, minimal cleanup, low stress.

A meal out in a public place is probably the best starting point.

Best wishes.

[Notwendy]

I didn't stay with my parents for about 10 years. The last time I stayed with them, it was too much for me. Sometimes, I would not get sleep if mom was up at night upset about something. It doesn't matter what boundaries I have- she doesn't respect them. Remember boundaries are not something we can impose on them. They are about us. I could say " don't wake me up at night" but I can't make her do that. I can only secure a peaceful place for myself.

Although I stopped staying with them before my father got ill and died, his situation made it harder for me to be around her as I was also emotionally upset over his illness. After he died, I could hardly be in the house knowing he was not there, so I didn't stay with her.

But even if she didn't wake me up at night, staying with her for any length  of time would be stressful for me. It takes a lot of mental energy to not be affected by her moods, wishes, and not to get into familiar patterns.

After a lot of work on co-dependency issues, and because I have enforced boundaries. ( if she starts on me, I literally pick up my suitcase and walk out the door. She knows that now). I can stay with her for about 2 days max. She is also motivated to have us kids come visit.  So she has invited us and is nicer to us when we stay.

But I know that she is mentally ill. It is also a stress on her to have company. She likes things in a certain way and also likes to have control over her environment. Her calmness, and also my ability to tolerate the dysfunction between us can only last so long.

A month is a long time to stay with anyone- even our parents. Personally, I would not do it, not for me, not for her. It would be impossible for her to hold it together that long, and it would be disruptive to her life to have company. It would be emotionally hard on me. I also need some respite and sanity space after seeing her and could not get it in her home.

Were it me- ( and I know people are different)- I would look for a neutral solution- a room in an airbnb, nearby hostel. Maybe save some costs by staying a short time with a friend. But to me, it would be worth the expense to have a space to myself and not impose on anyone. I would try to cut down on expenses in other ways- find an airbnb with use of a kitchen, ( to save on food costs), someone subletting a furnished place perhaps.

I think meeting in a public place is good, but put it in another perspective. "Mom, would you like to go out to lunch ( the mall, the movies) ? Finding something your mom enjoys might make the visit more fun for both of you. 

[isshebpd]

Even when I'm housesitting for my parents, I just check it a couple of times during the day and go back to my apartment at night. The last time I lived under the same roof with them - a long time ago when I went back to school for a few months - all the dysfunction from my youth was still there.

Naughty Nibbler,

Our FOO has done much of the same thing for family functions. In our case, we stopped having them at our parents house and go to my sister's instead. My BIL is a no-nonsense guy and won't put up with PD behaviour in his home in front of his children.

[P.F.Change]

Yeah, I work for myself these days, so unfortunately there is no external source I can look to cover the costs (otherwise I would have for sure have done that first).

I see. Is that something you could deduct as a business expense when you do your taxes? Just a thought.

As I type that, it also makes me realize that I need to create "my space" for myself somewhere else (the tough reality). That will be something I will continue to work on.

This is a nice insight. I think you will love creating your very own space that feels safe and comforting to you. 

Another question: have you all done visits at home or in a public setting?

When I was still meeting my parents, I preferred to do it in public, or at least with other people present. However, restaurants didn't work for us. They aren't easy places to leave quickly, and my mother has actually done some of her most painful acting-out in restaurants. So for me, visiting with them in hotel lobbies or parks or museums might be an option, or making sure to have friends with me if we were in someone's home. My mother behaves better when there are strangers there she feels obligated to be polite around.