I don't understand why I don't have an emotional connection with my son

[JerryRG]

Good morning everyone

I just spoke to a former pastor I had and explained I feel no emotional bond with my son. He said I was allowing my son's mother to influence my feelings toward my son.

I bonded with my daughters just fine, I feel sick for saying my son is just another boy to take care of.

Pastor said I need to let her go, don't I wish for that! If I never seen her again as long as I live I would be happy. She's a pathological liar.

Anyone else know what i'm experiencing?

[Sunfl0wer]

I am confused.  I realize your situation is filled with many emotions and many conflicting emotions as you struggle with fears about parenting and protecting him and such.

I thought I recall you expressing joy and excitement about having time with your son.

Am I incorrect? Do maybe you sometimes feel joy, then sometimes switch to numb?  Did something change?

What do you think?

[JerryRG]

Hi Sunfl0wer

I do change when my son's mother pulls her manipulation on us as she did last night and lies about when she will pick my son up. She just refuses to answer her phone and leaves us in the dark. Then lies when she does text, saying she would be over in 30 min then 1 hour then she doesn't have a car seat. All lies and this woman is a born again Christian. Yes and I know we judge people on their actions and not their intentions.

I've been feeling bad the last couple days and didn't even think it was the flu, caught that from my son last night so sick as a dog. Text the exgf for help and nothing but silence.

I'm so sick of her I would really like to just never have to talk to her again. Manipulating creep 

[Sunfl0wer]

So you think your feelings towards your son changes based on your feelings towards mom?

(I am literally asking because that is what it sounds like you are saying and at the same time I worry others may get triggered and respond angry to you for that statement, I hope not though.  Your experience is yours and understanding exactly what it is is important.)

So last time you remember enjoying him... .

Was it also at a time things were relatively positive between you two?

It could also be that your moods are still affected by your feelings of enmeshment with her, therefore when you and her are not feeling on decent terms, then your ability to feel anything positive about anything in life are diminished, including your feelings towards your son.

What feels accurate for you though?

[JerryRG]

I really haven't been able to enjoy him because of his mother, she made it clear from the beginning he would never be my son. And told me my son hated me. She just said the other day he was asking for me but he gets over me. So on and on hurtful things she says that I have to forgive while she plays victim. No my son has never been mine and she's used him since day one to manipulate me and my son.

Just seems like I've never bonded with him because his mother has threatened us so much. I had to protect myself. Never have sex with pwBPD! They will trap you and try to make everyone's life pure hell

[Sunfl0wer]

(I tend to think in terms of everything about our own experience is actually about us, the meaning we give things for our own sense of self.  So that is where I am usually speaking from.)

It sounds to me that you have several valid reasons for feeling distant from your son

1.  You rightfully fear that bonding with him can equal extreme loss and feel threatened and vulnerable for connecting with him.  -it reminds me of shows like The Professional where he was not allowed to have any personal ties as ties = people can try to hurt you and hold people hostage to get to you, which means bith the person held suffers emensely, you suffer worse than had harm been directly inflicted upon you, and the person perpetrating this has sufficient fuel for use to remain a perpetrator.

2. You possibly could fear he is not your biological son.  Has he been tested?  This fear could lead you to terrifying fears of losing her and him both!

3.  You earlier expressed fears of not being a good enough parent to him, if I am recalling correctly.  While this is a common fear to all/most parents, you have more specific reasons for this fear that may have been suppressed and your relationship or attempted relationship with him brings these past wounds to surface.

4. It is legitimately trying to bond with someone who is not in close proximity of us and who we not only don't get to see regularly, but don't know when we will see them next.

5.  You seem to be internally struggling over many feelings and pulled emotionally in many directions within you.  This can impair your ability to access the positive bonding feelings that may be underneath other feelings.

My point though is that you have several very legitimate issues that are actual obstacles to the bonding process.  I think by expressing them here, to pastor, etc, even when you may be feeling distant from your son, is a loving thing to offer him.

What obstacles do you feel may ring true for you?

[JerryRG]

I've had the DNA testing, I would be a fool not too.

I don't know why I feel this way, the biggest thing is his mother's attempts to keep me out of his life and use him and me in a sick twisted way. I can forgive her but I'm not going to forget so she can continue to use us both.

[Sunfl0wer]

The easiest obstacle for persons doing inner work to identify are external ones.

Harder would be to address the ones we have influence over that are within ourself.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Sunfl0wer

I'm getting over my selfish tantrum, I'm alcoholic and I've always been the center of the universe. Tough growing up but I have good friends leading me into the future.

I was very ill with the flu and I rely on my physical strength so much and when I'm sick I am worthless about dealing with life. Might as well sit in a corner and wait until I'm well again.

Thanks again

[Sunfl0wer]

Lol!  Sorry!

I guess I got a bit frustrated that out of all the possibilities for self reflection, you choose to discuss blame on her again.

I see my statement was kinda like:

Pfft Jerry, if you can't look inward and quit it... .Not much else place here for me!  *wiping my palms clean of crumbs motion*

Looks like ya caught me!

I am not so good at offering the support for in between or meeting you where you are.  Hopefully others may help!

I was very ill with the flu and I rely on my physical strength so much and when I'm sick I am worthless about dealing with life. Might as well sit in a corner and wait until I'm well again.

Thanks again

Lol!  I am a mere Sunflower plant! Working here to grow my own flower roots.

Keep posting as you need to! I have no authority here nor elsewhere to put anyone in a corner. 

[steelwork]

I have heard of cases where, for instance, a mother has a hard time bonding with a child that was the product of a rape. The child triggers the mother's PTSD, I guess? Maybe it's something similar, Jerry. Have you talked about it with your T?

[JerryRG]

My T won't do much in the way of foo stuff, we are currently working on CD. But yes i've heard so many awful things from my son's mother it does bother me. She basically cut me out of everything until she realized she couldn't care for him on her own. If she were anywhere near well and could care for him I would still be fighting to even be a part of his life. I told her something my son did the other day and she just had to add how her new bf does the same things with my son. I sometimes wonder why she has to be so damn mean and thoughtless. She takes every opportunity to tell me what a great guy he is compared to me,

.

Yeah she sucks

[steelwork]

Hey Jerry,

When I said PTSD, I was thinking of the trauma of your recent relationship. I meant that maybe your son triggers the PTSD you're dealing with as a result of that. Of course it makes sense, given what you're been through, that he might also trigger PTSD from childhood abuse. Or both, or neither.

The real point is that this is a complex problem that, as much as we are here to support you, we are simply not qualified to assess. If your therapist won't help you with it, I'd strongly suggest looking for another therapist. Your son will only have one childhood.