Understanding when to let go of your partner who suffers From BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who has BPD.

I am having a hard time letting go because of the talks we've had about her going to see a psychiatrist to get help. A few days after that discussion she called me derogatory names after a fight that seemingly could have been resolved in a conversation.

After that moment, I realized how far removed she really was during disagreements.

Since that phone call, we have not talked and it is clear that we are no longer together. The most disheartening thing is to feel so disposable to someone who would say she loved me so much. During the times we were not arguing it was perfect, but whenever we had conflict it felt like I was trapped in another world with someone I felt like I didn't even know.

It would would be helpful for me to understand others that may have had this same situation and how to learn to let go of a relationship like this.

[Kitty2011]

I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who has BPD.

I am having a hard time letting go because of the talks we've had about her going to see a psychiatrist to get help. A few days after that discussion she called me derogatory names after a fight that seemingly could have been resolved in a conversation.

After that moment, I realized how far removed she really was during disagreements.

Since that phone call, we have not talked and it is clear that we are no longer together. The most disheartening thing is to feel so disposable to someone who would say she loved me so much. During the times we were not arguing it was perfect, but whenever we had conflict it felt like I was trapped in another world with someone I felt like I didn't even know.

It would would be helpful for me to understand others that may have had this same situation and how to learn to let go of a relationship like this.

[drained1996]

I've just recently posted on this site to help my own healing from a BPD r/s.  I've read a lot previously though... .and this might be the shortest version of expressing what it's like to be with a borderline I've seen here. 

While I may not be the best to give advice since I still struggle, I'll try.  Seek help not only here but with a therapist.  They rock our logical world and pull us down in their black hole, making us feel crazy... .and actually making us crazy and illogical at times.  Sprint away... .when you are at a safe distance... .take inventory of yourself and look around this site.  Friends and relatives will have a hard time understanding... .impossible really, because until you've experienced it, it's unexplainable.  And seek professional help.  Keep your head up... .it's not your fault!  And I did the therapy thing with my BPD... .1+years... .and she wanted to get better... .she did some... .then digressed thinking she was fixed.

[Wize]

During the times we were not arguing it was perfect, but whenever we had conflict it felt like I was trapped in another world with someone I felt like I didn't even know. 

And therein lies the rub.  It would feel, at times, that my xBPDw and I were as close as two humans could possibly be.  But when conflict arose, which was daily, she slipped far, far away into another world.  She became a stranger, I felt like a stranger. Where did the quiet, calm woman curled up in my arms telling me she felt safer than she's ever felt before disappear to? 

All that conflict... .and no resolution, never any resolution.  They just slip away, as the days go by, they slip farther away until you realize that maybe all you really were was a stranger to them, just a familiar stranger introduced into their life to fill that lonely void in the center of their soul.

[earlgrey]

Hi Kitty I've just joined too - and in a similar place  (my post fear of emptiness)

I've spent over 3 years of focusing on the behaviour of my N/BPDW and trying to make something work.

I've just grown distant but have not managed to break away.

Latest thing is to look at me and my behaviour, in particular my codependency which is something I never even realised existed (in me).

But I believe it does and I am now trying to work on it.

Don't know if I can post links here to youtube (Mods any help?) but I just watched one that I found really helpful about getting some boundaries in place and this will go a long way to determining whether the pwBPD will want to be around you with your boundaries. Which in turn will help decide the future of your (and my) couple.

I find a rational decision stay or go is beyond me.

[Mutt]

Hi Kitty2011,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. I'd like to join drained1996, Wize and earl grey and welcome you. I can relate with how confusing, distressing and painful a break-up with a pwBPD. Someone else suggested to seek a T or P ( therapist, psychologist ) concurrently with a support group. Do you have a T? It helps to have a relationship post mortem with people that can relate with you. Personality disorders are niche in the work of psychology and friends and family give you advise that would suit a relationship with a non disordered person. You're not alone.

I recall when my exBPDw would blow things wat out of proportion and I world be in the receiving end of a borderline. I was confused as to what perpetuated that fight and sometime I felt like the anger was meant for someone else and that she was playing our a scenario from childhood. I believe that was transferring core trauma from her past and I was a stand-in for that misdirected anger, I know that she was sexually abused at a very young age but she would have to.explore that trauma in psychotherapy, she wasn't aware that there's something wrong with her and she didn't want to do any work on our marriage or on herself. An undiagnosed and untreated pwBPD will demolish you.

I'm glad that you have found us. It helps to talk

PS Here's so w links that you may find that will help you with self protection and give you insight on the relationship dynamics with a pwBPD Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits,PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle


Regards,


Mutt