New here, feeling very lost and confused about BPD partner

[TwinStars]

I'm feeling quite down today about my relationship, so I figured this would be worth a shot.

For six and a half years I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is an undiagnosed BPD. I don't know where to turn. I've moved out of the apartment we got together about a year ago because it got so bad.

His mood swings and anger are vicious. He usually flat out refuses to see a doctor and won't admit he has a problem, making it hard to help him. I've been so beaten down by this relationship and I'm not in the best state myself - I got pretty depressed once I moved in with him and I suffer from anxiety.

I love him but our relationship has suffered dramatically just in the last few weeks. His BPD has been out of control. He says truly horrible things at this point and I can't bring myself to forgive him, even if he doesn't mean it. His anger scares me and sometimes I wonder if he does hate me.

Some times I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't in this relationship. It might be nice, but our combined issues have made it impossible to break up so far. Over the years we have tried many times, but add on my fear of abandonment and how I have such a soft heart... I can't bring myself to leave for good. I'm young too, only 25. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. We seem to bring out the worst in each other.

Thank you to anyone listening, I feel like having others who understand would help greatly.

[Herodias]

Sounds like you already know your answer... .If he will not get help, then you need to help yourself. Keep reading here and find a way to get away safely. As these people become more and more angry, it will be harder to leave easily. Be careful and yes, you are very young and there is plenty of time for you to find a solid relationship. In the meantime work on you... .

[TwinStars]

Thank you for your response. I know I need to focus on myself, I am becoming a mess due to everything in my life. I wish it was easier to get him help.

[Mutt]

Hi TwinStars,




I would like to join Herodias and welcome you. I can see how hard that would be to leave a partner that you have been with for several years.


I can see how hard that would be to leave a partner that you have been with for several years , suffer from anxiety / depression and abandonment fears. I can relate with abandonment fears.

Many people that have mental illness or not diagnosed and many that are diagnosed with a mental illness don't believe that they have mental illness. BPD is ingrained in someone's personality and your personality is a difficult thing to change, his reality is real to him just as our reality is real to us. People may react strongly when we tell them they have mental illness, BPD is a stigmazed disorder and a serious mental illness. Anxiety and depression doesn't carry a stigma like BPD and people generally are more accepting. Have you tried to tell your boyfriend that you think he may suffer from anxiety and depression so that he can see someone?

[TwinStars]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for the warm welcome. Unfortunately, I have tried and asked my boyfriend to just see the doctor for a regular checkup while not even mentioning anything being wrong, and he seems overwhelmed by the thought and quickly gets angry and dismissive. The only time he ever admits he should see a doctor is once he has a very bad episode in which he does undeservedly hurtful things to me. But the desire to see a doctor quickly passes.

There are just SO many issues going on with us. This is the very tip of the iceberg, and sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I really am trying hard to work on myself, but my anxiety has been through the roof today, hence why I am reaching out.

[Mutt]

He's not interested with seeing someone. It's something may not change for now, it may change at some junction later on. He is who he is.

I'm sorry that hear that you're feeling a lot of anxiety. Anxiety is normal, it alerts off of danger but it's difficult when there's no danger and you can't turn it off. Have you seen your MD or T about anxiety? There's no cure for it but there are behavioral changes and coping tools. It also helps to talk.