I have been meditating on my sense of being alone and feeling loneliness

[Depression = 72% of members]

Over the prior few weeks, I have had a building sense of terror about being alone and decided to sit with it as best I could.  This is not a new fear for me; it has been with me since my 20’s, however, I do have a new level of awareness about it.   Recently I have been reading “The Body Keeps the Score” (PTSD) and so have been even more aware of my visceral reactions that are associated with these feelings, which I am certain are trauma based as the result of early childhood neglect and abuse.

These feelings of aloneness drive the worst of my responses and decisions.  They are the catalyst of my self-defeating and irrational relational-compromises that put me between deciding what is best for me and a perceived alternate terror of being forever alone.  They also drive other unwanted and sometimes unhealthy behaviors and likely play a large role in helping me understand why I do not have what I want in my life. 

After the ending of my marriage and other prior romantic relationships, I had noted an increase in my trips to the casino, where I do not feel alone, at least temporarily.  I am recently attempting a new attitude towards all this.  I have decided to give up the casino and force myself to focus on acting in a way that takes responsibility for what I want in my life as if I am a completely capable grown man - which I really am.  By the way, it is no small statement for me to state that; I am a completely grown capable man.  At the very core of these alone feelings, this statement of truth is completely invisible and inaccessible to me. 

Why don’t I have what I want in my life?  Because my ex BPD did not give it to me?  Probably not.  And why am I chasing a pwBPD traits to give me emotional fulfillment?  The answer, for me, seems to be in these alone feelings.  They are the source of a defeatist conclusion that I continually reach for about myself when I feel hurt/sad (and very alone/lonely); I am a Dented Can, discount shelf material due to structural flaws.  Here is what I have come to understand so far about my self-perceptions – stated as objectively as I can.

I am seeing a lifelong pattern of behaviors/thinking.  The pattern is roughly as follows: feeling needy-lonely (ie: ending of R/S and abandoned by ex), escalation of my feeling hurt and angry and feeling deeper alone, internally thinking through all of the “whys” (which quickly turns into rationalizing) and then coming to a sense of internal failure/collapse – I must not be worthy.  The pattern has one more phase and completes by me abandoning my own wants and needs with the idea that it is; better to have somebody that will give you something than no one to give you nothing.  This mindset could be called “BPD Feed”.

I was willing to play along with the crazy statements and gaslighting in the hopes that she would not leave me at the price of abandoning my own intuition, logic and internal sense of self in the hopes of ?  The word that comes to mind is “salvation” (don’t know why).  This is a totally fear driven thinking with self-abandonment being the payoff – I say “payoff” because I am proving that I really AM unworthy. 

Taking a step back for a moment, I have also noted that I may be very adept at the unwanted and subconscious skill of picking people that aren’t fully available and this pattern I am defining is a form of repetition compulsion reinforced by romantic selections.  Nonetheless, up until this point, my experiences have been a constant reinforcement.

I love my ex.  So, this awareness seems to lead my thinking into a binary equation; stand up for yourself (being a fully capable man) and be alone and leave those you love or deny your feelings and have a less-than desired r/s.  Ironically, I can’t say as my existing habit of relational-acquiescence has helped me achieve my life goals and yet it is still my default tool of choice in what feels like a decision to have scraps or a full meal. 

Lastly, I have, at times, tried to welcome the sense of fear/aloneness and have made some progress sitting with it and feeling the stickiest of web-like entanglements with feelings of eternal despair touching me on every side of my presence.  There have also been moments of feeling like a modern day Buddha, sensing that the web of entanglement is only my own contrivance and I am totally free. 

I have dogged determination to get through this. 

Throughout my healing I have been so mystified that my ex doesn’t seem to have any of these personal internal entanglements in her own decision making about leaving the marriage, which leads me back to thinking that I am a dented can and must somehow be worth a whole lot less for her to choose the loneliness over me.   I still feel really hurt by all of the confusion about my ex’s traits; and so the cycle begins!

Sometimes all these internal awareness’s feel too human for my comfort level; thank goodness the casino is open 24x7!  LOL – just kidding!

[joeramabeme]

Over the prior few weeks, I have had a building sense of terror about being alone and decided to sit with it as best I could.  This is not a new fear for me; it has been with me since my 20’s, however, I do have a new level of awareness about it.   Recently I have been reading “The Body Keeps the Score” (PTSD) and so have been even more aware of my visceral reactions that are associated with these feelings, which I am certain are trauma based as the result of early childhood neglect and abuse.

These feelings of aloneness drive the worst of my responses and decisions.  They are the catalyst of my self-defeating and irrational relational-compromises that put me between deciding what is best for me and a perceived alternate terror of being forever alone.  They also drive other unwanted and sometimes unhealthy behaviors and likely play a large role in helping me understand why I do not have what I want in my life. 

After the ending of my marriage and other prior romantic relationships, I had noted an increase in my trips to the casino, where I do not feel alone, at least temporarily.  I am recently attempting a new attitude towards all this.  I have decided to give up the casino and force myself to focus on acting in a way that takes responsibility for what I want in my life as if I am a completely capable grown man - which I really am.  By the way, it is no small statement for me to state that; I am a completely grown capable man.  At the very core of these alone feelings, this statement of truth is completely invisible and inaccessible to me. 

Why don’t I have what I want in my life?  Because my ex BPD did not give it to me?  Probably not.  And why am I chasing a pwBPD traits to give me emotional fulfillment?  The answer, for me, seems to be in these alone feelings.  They are the source of a defeatist conclusion that I continually reach for about myself when I feel hurt/sad (and very alone/lonely); I am a Dented Can, discount shelf material due to structural flaws.  Here is what I have come to understand so far about my self-perceptions – stated as objectively as I can.

I am seeing a lifelong pattern of behaviors/thinking.  The pattern is roughly as follows: feeling needy-lonely (ie: ending of R/S and abandoned by ex), escalation of my feeling hurt and angry and feeling deeper alone, internally thinking through all of the “whys” (which quickly turns into rationalizing) and then coming to a sense of internal failure/collapse – I must not be worthy.  The pattern has one more phase and completes by me abandoning my own wants and needs with the idea that it is; better to have somebody that will give you something than no one to give you nothing.  This mindset could be called “BPD Feed”.

I was willing to play along with the crazy statements and gaslighting in the hopes that she would not leave me at the price of abandoning my own intuition, logic and internal sense of self in the hopes of ?  The word that comes to mind is “salvation” (don’t know why).  This is a totally fear driven thinking with self-abandonment being the payoff – I say “payoff” because I am proving that I really AM unworthy. 

Taking a step back for a moment, I have also noted that I may be very adept at the unwanted and subconscious skill of picking people that aren’t fully available and this pattern I am defining is a form of repetition compulsion reinforced by romantic selections.  Nonetheless, up until this point, my experiences have been a constant reinforcement.

I love my ex.  So, this awareness seems to lead my thinking into a binary equation; stand up for yourself (being a fully capable man) and be alone and leave those you love or deny your feelings and have a less-than desired r/s.  Ironically, I can’t say as my existing habit of relational-acquiescence has helped me achieve my life goals and yet it is still my default tool of choice in what feels like a decision to have scraps or a full meal. 

Lastly, I have, at times, tried to welcome the sense of fear/aloneness and have made some progress sitting with it and feeling the stickiest of web-like entanglements with feelings of eternal despair touching me on every side of my presence.  There have also been moments of feeling like a modern day Buddha, sensing that the web of entanglement is only my own contrivance and I am totally free. 

I have dogged determination to get through this. 

Throughout my healing I have been so mystified that my ex doesn’t seem to have any of these personal internal entanglements in her own decision making about leaving the marriage, which leads me back to thinking that I am a dented can and must somehow be worth a whole lot less for her to choose the loneliness over me.   I still feel really hurt by all of the confusion about my ex’s traits; and so the cycle begins!

Sometimes all these internal awareness’s feel too human for my comfort level; thank goodness the casino is open 24x7!  LOL – just kidding!

[jhkbuzz]

Over the prior few weeks, I have had a building sense of terror about being alone and decided to sit with it as best I could.  This is not a new fear for me; it has been with me since my 20’s, however, I do have a new level of awareness about it.   Recently I have been reading “The Body Keeps the Score” (PTSD) and so have been even more aware of my visceral reactions that are associated with these feelings, which I am certain are trauma based as the result of early childhood neglect and abuse.

The idea behind the book is that your body needs to finish "playing out" your early traumatic experiences in order to be finished with them. Fear of being alone sounds like a fear of abandonment - do you think that's the case?

You are trying to figure out your emotional responses with your forebrain, which (according to the book you're reading) doesn't exactly work. Are you seeing a T? A trauma therapist would have you exploring your bodily responses - not what your brain thinks about them.

[joeramabeme]

Over the prior few weeks, I have had a building sense of terror about being alone and decided to sit with it as best I could.  This is not a new fear for me; it has been with me since my 20’s, however, I do have a new level of awareness about it.   Recently I have been reading “The Body Keeps the Score” (PTSD) and so have been even more aware of my visceral reactions that are associated with these feelings, which I am certain are trauma based as the result of early childhood neglect and abuse.

The idea behind the book is that your body needs to finish "playing out" your early traumatic experiences in order to be finished with them. Fear of being alone sounds like a fear of abandonment - do you think that's the case?

You are trying to figure out your emotional responses with your forebrain, which (according to the book you're reading) doesn't exactly work. Are you seeing a T? A trauma therapist would have you exploring your bodily responses - not what your brain thinks about them.

Thanks for the reply JHK

Yes, I think this is related to childhood stuff. 

I am no longer seeing my trauma T but had completed EMDR ons some significant memories that resulted in significant positive psychic changes for me.  My recent awareness of lonesomeness, while not new, has taken on some new meanings in light of the therapy I completed and the book I am reading.

I am at page 100 in "The Body Keeps the Score".  My understanding, so far, is that recovery can be fostered from forebrain activities.  I will mention a few passages below that lead me to this conclusion. 

Also, I see that you have a running post on this book.  I would be very interested in continuing our discussion and sharing about the book as an ongoing activity.  I recently started reading passages with a friend and found that each page where we underlined passages, were taking a lot of time to review and discuss.  We laughed together about this and said we could start the "endless book club" as this reading and sharing seemed to take a long time to process.

Here are some passages relevant to your reply.  Feel free to reply here or on your preexisting post.

Cheers, JRB

================================

Page 62: "being able to  . . . be mindful and then take our time to respond allows the executive brain to inhibit, organize, and modulate the hardwired automatic reactions preprogrammed into the emotional brain"

Page 68: "The challenge is not so much learning to accept the terrible things that have happened but learning how to gain mastery over ones internal sensations and emotions.  Sensing, naming  and identifying what is going on inside is the first step to recovery".

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe, Don't beat yourself up!  No need to judge yourself harshly just because things didn't work out between you and your Ex.  Maybe you just weren't right for each other.  In any event, don't take all the blame on yourself.  It sounds like you have done some pretending in your r/s in order to avoid rocking the boat.  Maybe that was a self-defeating strategy?  Suggest you strive for authenticity; Just be yourself, without faking it.

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

Hey Joe, Don't beat yourself up!  No need to judge yourself harshly just because things didn't work out between you and your Ex.  Maybe you just weren't right for each other.  In any event, don't take all the blame on yourself.  It sounds like you have done some pretending in your r/s in order to avoid rocking the boat.  Maybe that was a self-defeating strategy?  Suggest you strive for authenticity; Just be yourself, without faking it.

LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim

It sounds like you have done some pretending in your r/s in order to avoid rocking the boat. . . Suggest you strive for authenticity; Just be yourself

I think what I am trying to say is that my authenticity is diminished via the feelings of abandonment and neglect from early life experiences. Those feelings drove/drive decisions that are contrary to my self-interest.  I know there is not a black and white line between keeping the peace and keeping your boundaries intact, but at the end of my marriage, my boundaries fell apart, because the loneliness fears were so prevalent. 

Over the last 10 months, as I have processed the fact that I am now single, those fears have once again increased.  This is the what keep me from fully being who I am (fully capable man) - that is nature of what trauma does; keeps you locked in the past without knowing that you are.  Instead of fight-flight-submission-helpless, trying to move towards a more integrated and complete sense of self in the world.  This is how the book reading is currently presenting for me.

It is really about the presence of shame.  Guilt says I did something bad and shame says I am something bad and therefore deserve to be alone. 

JRB

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe (great song title!), Be careful about buying into the guilt and shame.  Those w/BPD are experts at shifting the blame and responsibility to the Non, because they are so convincing.  Poison, however, is harmless if you don't ingest it.  Suggest you let go of the blame and not take on the shame.  You're OK; you're human, like everyone else.  You might want to work on self-love and self-acceptance.  You're valid and worthy just the way you are.

Though your authenticity may be diminished, which is normal after a BPD r/s, you can get back on your path.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Figure out the things that you really like, deep down.  Be true to your core.  You get the idea.  You could say that life is a journey towards authenticity.  As Nietzsche said, "become who you are."

Suggest you Let go of the outcome.  Being single is an adventure that leads to self-discovery, which you are finding out.

LuckyJim

[eeks]

I think what I am trying to say is that my authenticity is diminished via the feelings of abandonment and neglect from early life experiences. Those feelings drove/drive decisions that are contrary to my self-interest.  I know there is not a black and white line between keeping the peace and keeping your boundaries intact, but at the end of my marriage, my boundaries fell apart, because the loneliness fears were so prevalent. 

Over the last 10 months, as I have processed the fact that I am now single, those fears have once again increased.  This is the what keep me from fully being who I am (fully capable man) - that is nature of what trauma does; keeps you locked in the past without knowing that you are.  Instead of fight-flight-submission-helpless, trying to move towards a more integrated and complete sense of self in the world.  This is how the book reading is currently presenting for me.

It is really about the presence of shame.  Guilt says I did something bad and shame says I am something bad and therefore deserve to be alone. 

Hi Joe,

I've not read The Body Keeps The Score but I am familiar with somatic approaches to trauma. 

My observation about shame is that it is primarily self-protection, not an emotion actually associated with the actions, words or feelings in question.  It kicks in when I am doing or about to do or thinking about doing something that would not have been safe in my FOO. 

There are some actions, words and feelings, such as having certain needs or speaking the truth, that are not inherently dangerous but are unsafe for children to express in dysfunctional families, and children fear that expressing them will lead to the breaking of the attachment bond. 

Do you think it would be helpful, the next time you feel shame, to examine whether this is the case for you as well? 

I also find that I feel shame with respect to "there is something bad in me".  I am slowly realizing just how controlling my parents, especially my mother, were of my words.  I was told I was "rude and needed to apologize" in some circumstances with respect to something I'd said to someone in or outside of our family.  I talked to my mother today (it's been about 2 months) and she said that she felt she needed to stop me because I would be harmed if I "told people truths they didn't want to hear".  That makes me angry and sad, because I see that I intuitively know how to use "minimal force" in those kinds of situations, but because they jumped in and stopped me so often, I come to doubt myself and feel like "there is something bad in me that I must never let out" and secrecy inherently leads to shame.

eeks

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, eeks.  Family secrets lead to shame.  When I was a kid, I found out that my mother was having an affair.  She asked me not to mention it to my father (of course, he found out anyway).  Yet I carried a lot of shame and guilt around about it that really had nothing to do with me. Why should I feel bad about my mother's affair?  But I did, and it led to feelings of depression, as you can imagine.  What I'm getting at is that this experience, I submit, made me particularly susceptible to a person w/BPD.  I lacked good boundaries.  I suffered from low self-esteem and shame.  As an adult, I was easily manipulated by fear, obligation and guilt, particularly guilt, all of which my BPDxW provided in abundance.  I could barely recognize my own feelings.  All of these factors came together in my marriage to a pwBPD, which nearly destroyed me.  Yet it was the crucible from which I finally emerged a changed person, changed for the better, I know deep down.

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

Thanks for the responses.

In reading the replies, I am thinking I must not have done a good job explaining my thoughts (no shame) because the replies seem to be out of sync (no blame) with what I would have anticipated.

Let me see if I can summarize what I wanted to say and perhaps, if I am missing your point, it can be clarified.

I grew up abandoned/neglected; literally left alone as a child in a home with 2 parents and 5 siblings.  My memories from childhood are primarily spending time alone in the woods with my dog and very few memories with my family.  Yes, they were always physically around, but I do not have many memories of them in my early life (<20).  It was likely a function of the level of chaos and need to be in survival mode that was ever present.

As a young adult, in my 20's, I started to fear being alone.  This escalated dramatically in my 30's as I spent many of those years living a Fish Bowl life; I could see what was going on through the glass but had no way to participate.  Then I met my now ex.  It took awhile, but over time these fears began to diminish - or so I thought.  I am now re-experiencing those heightened levels of lonesomeness fears and trying to get a better handle on them.  They are frequently accompanied with a sense of complete helplessness to be loved and value by others, and also - I am just now realizing - that I have always felt eviscerated and unable to have any effect on my own life. 

When I look back at the ending of my marriage, and even throughout; many of my decisions to take action or not take action were motivated by these feelings.  As well, I lacked an overall sense of autonomy, which did not really exist because I never fully developed one.  I greatly compromised myself by a desire to have a life-mate AND avoiding being alone (I really loved my wife and would have selected her regardless of emptiness feelings).  In short, all of this strongly influenced overriding my own healthy boundaries with my wife.  I was in essence, abandoning myself.

Given the trauma work I have done, and am now learning that more remains; I am trying to address these fears and feelings head on by staying with them in the moment.  Not only did they drive unhealthy decisions that amounted to ignoring my internal gut senses; but they have also lead me to other unhealthy decisions (casino) in an attempt to avoid feeling them.  The book I referenced, "Body Keeps the Score", is reinforcing the idea that the abandonment was traumatizing (on top of the other traumas) and this is what the fear of my loneliness looks like to me at the moment.

When I ws in my 30's, I used to feel ashamed about explaining to other potential romantic interests about why I did not have a r/s with my FOO - it probably kept me from more completely exploring potential relationships for fear of being "found out" (that I am not lovable).  Now that I am older, these fears are not interfering so much with romances (LOL, I am not dating), but still are in the background playing out all the same.

Despite all my awareness, there is still a distinct feeling that I am left with; no matter how much I do to help myself improve and address the past, I inevitably end up alone.  In the case of my uBPDexW, I was abandoned - although showered with levels of love and attention and caring that I never received as a child and so personally grew tremendously during the marriage.  I am now far enough from the pain of the marriage ending to see the underlying fears of lonesomeness that were present in all of it. 

The Dented Can I referenced in my original post, is the sense of not being worthy of companionship or connect-edness or love-ability.  It reinforces my history from my FOO and wife and is also a pattern that I suspect I have personally repeated in part due to picking "familiar" people that have the same emotional makeup as those from my FOO (repetition compulsion?).  Whenever I have attempted to stand up for myself, like I did in the marriage, people leave me.  In the past, I have practiced varying degrees of minimizing my personal-imprint; preferences, desires and wants; to avoid being left alone.  I am no wallflower by any stretch of imagination, and I am glad I did stand up enough in my marriage (and now with my siblings) for myself to not get completely annihilated.  But I do feel a gnawing level of "not worthy" that is always reinforced by the feelings of lonesomeness (I have plenty of friends and contacts so not really isolated - just my feelings are that of being all alone: trauma).  I no longer want to feel this way nor abandon my beliefs, observations, feelings etc. to avoid these feelings.

That is what I was trying to say.  Reflecting on my failed marriage and her discarding me has really made me face all this, again, but at a deeper level of awareness. 

Did I miss all this on my first post?  LOL!  Gonna leave my imprint on this post - even if I rewrite the whole thing again!

Thanks, JRB

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe, Since we seem to have gone off on a tangent, maybe you could rephrase your particular question(s)?  Then I'll try to clarify to the extent I can.  LJ

[jhkbuzz]

Over the prior few weeks, I have had a building sense of terror about being alone and decided to sit with it as best I could.  This is not a new fear for me; it has been with me since my 20’s, however, I do have a new level of awareness about it.   Recently I have been reading “The Body Keeps the Score” (PTSD) and so have been even more aware of my visceral reactions that are associated with these feelings, which I am certain are trauma based as the result of early childhood neglect and abuse.

The idea behind the book is that your body needs to finish "playing out" your early traumatic experiences in order to be finished with them. Fear of being alone sounds like a fear of abandonment - do you think that's the case?

You are trying to figure out your emotional responses with your forebrain, which (according to the book you're reading) doesn't exactly work. Are you seeing a T? A trauma therapist would have you exploring your bodily responses - not what your brain thinks about them.

Thanks for the reply JHK

Yes, I think this is related to childhood stuff. 

I am no longer seeing my trauma T but had completed EMDR ons some significant memories that resulted in significant positive psychic changes for me.  My recent awareness of lonesomeness, while not new, has taken on some new meanings in light of the therapy I completed and the book I am reading.

I am at page 100 in "The Body Keeps the Score".  My understanding, so far, is that recovery can be fostered from forebrain activities.  I will mention a few passages below that lead me to this conclusion. 

Also, I see that you have a running post on this book.  I would be very interested in continuing our discussion and sharing about the book as an ongoing activity.  I recently started reading passages with a friend and found that each page where we underlined passages, were taking a lot of time to review and discuss.  We laughed together about this and said we could start the "endless book club" as this reading and sharing seemed to take a long time to process.

Here are some passages relevant to your reply.  Feel free to reply here or on your preexisting post.

Cheers, JRB



================================

Page 62: "being able to  . . . be mindful and then take our time to respond allows the executive brain to inhibit, organize, and modulate the hardwired automatic reactions preprogrammed into the emotional brain"

Page 68: "The challenge is not so much learning to accept the terrible things that have happened but learning how to gain mastery over ones internal sensations and emotions.  Sensing, naming  and identifying what is going on inside is the first step to recovery".

Yes, but notice that the quotes you included are not about engaging in "analytical" activities to heal yourself (i.e. figuring everything out) - they are about mindfulness - staying in the present and noticing what's happening inside your body.

I'm going to include a quote below, but because I read the book on a Kindle, I can't give you the page number - all I can tell you is that it's in chapter 13 in a section called "Limbic System Therapy".

"Accessing the emotional brain: the rational, analyzing part of the brain, centered on the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, has no direct connections with the emotional brain, where most imprints of trauma reside, but the medial prefrontal cortex, the center of self-awareness, does. The neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux and his colleagues have show that the only way we can consciously access the emotional brain is through self awareness, i.e. by activating the the medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that notices what is going on inside us and thus allows us to feel what we're feeling. Most of our conscious brain is dedicated to focusing on the outside world; getting along with others and making plans for the future. However, that does not help us manage ourselves. Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside ourselves." (bolded text is my emphasis).

So, in terms of your feelings of "aloneness", the emphasis (according to the book) is not on the "whys" of your feelings of aloneness, but the bodily sensations that accompany your feelings of aloneness. What is happening inside?

[BorisAcusio]

Over the prior few weeks, I have had a building sense of terror about being alone and decided to sit with it as best I could.  This is not a new fear for me; it has been with me since my 20’s, however, I do have a new level of awareness about it.   Recently I have been reading “The Body Keeps the Score” (PTSD) and so have been even more aware of my visceral reactions that are associated with these feelings, which I am certain are trauma based as the result of early childhood neglect and abuse.

The idea behind the book is that your body needs to finish "playing out" your early traumatic experiences in order to be finished with them. Fear of being alone sounds like a fear of abandonment - do you think that's the case?

You are trying to figure out your emotional responses with your forebrain, which (according to the book you're reading) doesn't exactly work. Are you seeing a T? A trauma therapist would have you exploring your bodily responses - not what your brain thinks about them.

Thanks for the reply JHK

Yes, I think this is related to childhood stuff.  

I am no longer seeing my trauma T but had completed EMDR ons some significant memories that resulted in significant positive psychic changes for me.  My recent awareness of lonesomeness, while not new, has taken on some new meanings in light of the therapy I completed and the book I am reading.

I am at page 100 in "The Body Keeps the Score".  My understanding, so far, is that recovery can be fostered from forebrain activities.  I will mention a few passages below that lead me to this conclusion.  

Also, I see that you have a running post on this book.  I would be very interested in continuing our discussion and sharing about the book as an ongoing activity.  I recently started reading passages with a friend and found that each page where we underlined passages, were taking a lot of time to review and discuss.  We laughed together about this and said we could start the "endless book club" as this reading and sharing seemed to take a long time to process.

Here are some passages relevant to your reply.  Feel free to reply here or on your preexisting post.

Cheers, JRB



================================

Page 62: "being able to  . . . be mindful and then take our time to respond allows the executive brain to inhibit, organize, and modulate the hardwired automatic reactions preprogrammed into the emotional brain"

Page 68: "The challenge is not so much learning to accept the terrible things that have happened but learning how to gain mastery over ones internal sensations and emotions.  Sensing, naming  and identifying what is going on inside is the first step to recovery".

Yes, but notice that the quotes you included are not about engaging in "analytical" activities to heal yourself (i.e. figuring everything out) - they are about mindfulness - staying in the present and noticing what's happening inside your body.

I'm going to include a quote below, but because I read the book on a Kindle, I can't give you the page number - all I can tell you is that it's in chapter 13 in a section called "Limbic System Therapy".

"Accessing the emotional brain: the rational, analyzing part of the brain, centered on the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, has no direct connections with the emotional brain, where most imprints of trauma reside, but the medial prefrontal cortex, the center of self-awareness, does. The neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux and his colleagues have show that the only way we can consciously access the emotional brain is through self awareness, i.e. by activating the the medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that notices what is going on inside us and thus allows us to feel what we're feeling. Most of our conscious brain is dedicated to focusing on the outside world; getting along with others and making plans for the future. However, that does not help us manage ourselves. Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside ourselves." (bolded text is my emphasis).

So, in terms of your feelings of "aloneness", the emphasis (according to the book) is not on the "whys" of your feelings of aloneness, but the bodily sensations that accompany your feelings of aloneness. What is happening inside?

So in a practical sense, how does that differ from mindfulness meditation?

[joeramabeme]

Yes, but notice that the quotes you included are not about engaging in "analytical" activities to heal yourself (i.e. figuring everything out) - they are about mindfulness - staying in the present and noticing what's happening inside your body.

I'm going to include a quote below, but because I read the book on a Kindle, I can't give you the page number - all I can tell you is that it's in chapter 13 in a section called "Limbic System Therapy".

"Accessing the emotional brain: the rational, analyzing part of the brain, centered on the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, has no direct connections with the emotional brain, where most imprints of trauma reside, but the medial prefrontal cortex, the center of self-awareness, does. The neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux and his colleagues have show that the only way we can consciously access the emotional brain is through self awareness, i.e. by activating the the medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that notices what is going on inside us and thus allows us to feel what we're feeling. Most of our conscious brain is dedicated to focusing on the outside world; getting along with others and making plans for the future. However, that does not help us manage ourselves. Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside ourselves." (bolded text is my emphasis).

So, in terms of your feelings of "aloneness", the emphasis (according to the book) is not on the "whys" of your feelings of aloneness, but the bodily sensations that accompany your feelings of aloneness. What is happening inside?

JHK, I see where you are going with your reply; I am using analytical tools to deal with an emotional problem.  So, to restate more clearly; I was aware of the emotional state first, stayed with the feeling through meditation and then came to an analysis of its origin. 

When I previously underwent EMDR, we started with a "target" event and then, using the EMDR technique, uncovered a world of underlying actions, feelings, beliefs and behaviors for which I had limited conscious awareness of.   

In the present circumstance I was describing it is somewhat a reversal of events; I became aware of the discomfort of the feelings, meditated upon it and came back to a "target".  Of course this is not EMDR at all, but, I did use my learning from the first experience to identify the following; the feeling I was having was not rooted in the present moment. My trauma T told me that this is one of the hallmark identifiers in determining if there is a traumatic response occurring.  Another identifier is determining of the proportionality of response to the circumstance; is the reaction way under or way over?  Both instances can be a strong indication that trauma is present.

As it relates to my feeling of aloneness, I identified that the feelings were not about the present moment and were far out of proportion to anything that what was happening in the moment; hence my assumption that it needs to be looked at under the lens of PTSD. 

I am going to keep reading the book.  As I continue forward, I hope to post more discussion points.  Look forward to hearing back from you and continuing our conversation.

Regards, JRB

[heartandwhole]

Hi joeramabeme,

This is a great personal inventory, thank you for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you write. That sense that you are unlovable or will always be alone sounds extremely familiar    I have those same thoughts and feelings sometimes. You are doing great work with this, and I am learning from you and the responses to this thread.

I am familiar with Bessel Van der Kolk's work, although I haven't read The Body Keeps the Score yet. Years ago, I stumbled on a book called Undefended Love by Jett Psaris, PhD and Marlena S. Lyons, PhD (I later went to a workshop, too). It floored me. Having a spiritual bent, I was attracted to the seamless mix of (sort of) non-dual concepts with straight up psychology. That is not always easy to accomplish, but in my view this book does.

Anyway, something that I gained from the book and other readings and experiences is that this "core wound" (for want of a better word) that all of us experience may always be with us. We may always have to deal with it rearing its head in intimate relationships. If that is the case (and it may not be for everyone, of course), learning to be with those feelings whenever they arise might be an intelligent path to take. For example (from the book), taking time to feel one's uncomfortable feelings all the way through the "black hole" (a process where, through feeling, we travel through our defensive barriers to that scary place of emptiness, and then break through to the peace of our deeper being).

Every time that we feel as deeply as we can and accept what we are feeling as a collection of sensations and NOT a definition of who we are, we loosen that knot of beliefs that we have carried with us since childhood. We can be more openhearted and less defensive—toward ourselves and others.

I'm not saying that I don't try to defend or distract myself from feeling these very difficult feelings; I definitely do. But I also feel strongly that the core fear that I am unlovable is not a problem. It's not true, it's a belief, a story, and when I believe it, it hurts like crazy. But, so what? The worst has already happened, you know? Being abandoned as a child is tough, tough, tough. As an adult? Well, I've already survived it. That doesn't stop it from hurting like he!, but now I have tools—AND—like you, I understand that much of the pain is coming from that little girl who just couldn't fathom that her father didn't love her enough to be present.  :'(  I can allow that hurt part of me to express itself and this wiser part of me just embraces all of it. It's really sweet.

I just wanted to throw out the idea that the repeating pain that comes up in relationships doesn't have to be "resolved." It's sensation, after all. The story attached to it might benefit from a grand revision, though. I'm not saying that it can't go away, be healed, etc., or that one shouldn't work on resolving past traumas... .but if if none of that happens, it's okay. At least that is how I feel. I don't want to get rid of anything anymore. I just want to listen to and embrace what is there, as best I can. 

Thanks for letting me share.

heartandwhole 

[jhkbuzz]

I just wanted to throw out the idea that the repeating pain that comes up in relationships doesn't have to be "resolved." It's sensation, after all. The story attached to it might benefit from a grand revision, though.

I think that this ^ is a point WELL worth stating.  I think it's important to identify the beliefs we hold about ourselves and about life; recognize which ones are self defeating; befriend the sensations within us while we try to change these painful thoughts and beliefs; and resolve unfinished trauma so that the body can release it. We do all this understanding that healing isn't a "one time" event - that we may have to deal with some of these issues repeatedly as part of our human condition.

I don't want to get rid of anything anymore. I just want to listen to and embrace what is there, as best I can.

EXACTLY. That's the path to healing - moving towards and befriending instead of running away and distracting ourselves. Although I think that when you really do the work, those "sensations" begin to lose some of their power.

I'm working with a trauma therapist right now. I am only seeing her because my first therapist closed up shop and recommended her - I wouldn't have sought her out. But strangely enough, as I've been working with her on some childhood trauma, I've realized this week that my exBPD partner is feeling very "far away" all of a sudden. Like the emotional intensity that I've sometimes felt about her (even nearly 2 years after the b/u of our 8 year r/s) is suddenly receding. I can't explain why and I don't want to even try to analyze it. I think that's part of the healing that occurs when you reconnect to your feelings. I was disconnected from mine for a pretty long time.

[joeramabeme]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies heartandwhole and jhkbuzz.

I am still reading the book and so want to complete it before I continue talking about it - half way through at this point.

I just wanted to say a few things about this; I just wanted to throw out the idea that the repeating pain that comes up in relationships doesn't have to be "resolved." It's sensation, after all. The story attached to it might benefit from a grand revision, though. . . . but if if none of that happens, it's okay. At least that is how I feel. I don't want to get rid of anything anymore. I just want to listen to and embrace what is there, as best I can. 

The story and the revision piece; I get what you are saying.  We tell stories to match the feelings.  These stories try to explain illogical events and so we are lead to faulty reasoning and inaccurate outcomes.  Of course I am lovable, no different than anyone else. 

Ultimately the stories are about understanding ourselves and our world.  Why does the sun come over the horizon, who made the universe . . . etc.  We are born inquisitive creatures.  We explore our world, tell stories about what we do not understand - including ones about ourselves. 

Inquisitively; how is that I got this deeply broken outcome in my life, but not the majority of others.  If I am to assume that I am no different than others but cannot share in the love that others do, than there must be an answer.  Of course there are plenty of explanations for how it happened, but no answers as to why.  And even if the "why" came to me, it would be no less painful.

I cannot find comfort in embracing a reality that is so out of balance with the majority of others that I live around on a daily basis.  Perhaps people find solace in religious explanations or simple Buddhist understanding.  The best alternate explanation I can muster is that it is just pure luck.  The cards were randomly dealt and these are mine - could have been worse and could have been better.

Lastly, I am not attempting to be condescending when I say the following; I really have no clue what people mean when they say "it will be okay".  Of course I will be okay; so wont people in ICU and in other life threatening emergencies or just with a simple paper cut.  Eventually we all die is how I hear that comment and so it will all be okay.  Not trying to be harsh but truly feel that it is a silly and dismissive comment that makes no sense. 

Perhaps it will be okay is the only/best explanation that will ever be available; but it doesn't feel like one that is worth putting any effort into.

JRB

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies heartandwhole and jhkbuzz.

I am still reading the book and so want to complete it before I continue talking about it - half way through at this point.

I just wanted to say a few things about this; I just wanted to throw out the idea that the repeating pain that comes up in relationships doesn't have to be "resolved." It's sensation, after all. The story attached to it might benefit from a grand revision, though. . . . but if if none of that happens, it's okay. At least that is how I feel. I don't want to get rid of anything anymore. I just want to listen to and embrace what is there, as best I can.  

The story and the revision piece; I get what you are saying.  We tell stories to match the feelings.  These stories try to explain illogical events and so we are lead to faulty reasoning and inaccurate outcomes.  Of course I am lovable, no different than anyone else.  

Ultimately the stories are about understanding ourselves and our world.  Why does the sun come over the horizon, who made the universe . . . etc.  We are born inquisitive creatures.  We explore our world, tell stories about what we do not understand - including ones about ourselves.  

Inquisitively; how is that I got this deeply broken outcome in my life, but not the majority of others.  If I am to assume that I am no different than others but cannot share in the love that others do, than there must be an answer.  Of course there are plenty of explanations for how it happened, but no answers as to why.  And even if the "why" came to me, it would be no less painful.

I cannot find comfort in embracing a reality that is so out of balance with the majority of others that I live around on a daily basis.  Perhaps people find solace in religious explanations or simple Buddhist understanding.  The best alternate explanation I can muster is that it is just pure luck.  The cards were randomly dealt and these are mine - could have been worse and could have been better.

Lastly, I am not attempting to be condescending when I say the following; I really have no clue what people mean when they say "it will be okay".  Of course I will be okay; so wont people in ICU and in other life threatening emergencies or just with a simple paper cut.  Eventually we all die is how I hear that comment and so it will all be okay.  Not trying to be harsh but truly feel that it is a silly and dismissive comment that makes no sense.  

Perhaps it will be okay is the only/best explanation that will ever be available; but it doesn't feel like one that is worth putting any effort into.

JRB

I hear your pain in this post... .and this is what I think: you're on a very important journey - one that will help you heal and become more whole. But you're not very far into the journey and it's looking sorta dark and you're not sure which way to go so it's sort of depressing.

I wish I could tell you exactly the path to take towards your healing - but these journeys are highly personal and I think part of it is that we have to figure some of it out on our own. I will tell you two things that seem to be helping me: that I found a really good therapist, and that I'm dealing with my childhood traumas.

I'm beginning to see things differently and ask different questions - something I couldn't have imagined a year ago. I don't know how it's going to end up, but I do know I'm feeling better - something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel. Not everything is rosy and peachy, but things are better for me on an emotional level in ways that are hard to put into words.

I feel like I'm rambling now... .I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense.

[earlgrey]

I grew up abandoned/neglected; literally left alone as a child in a home with 2 parents and 5 siblings.  My memories from childhood are primarily spending time alone in the woods with my dog and very few memories with my family.  Yes, they were always physically around, but I do not have many memories of them in my early life (<20).  It was likely a function of the level of chaos and need to be in survival mode that was ever present.

As a young adult, in my 20's, I started to fear being alone.  This escalated dramatically in my 30's as I spent many of those years living a Fish Bowl life; I could see what was going on through the glass but had no way to participate.  Then I met my now ex.  It took awhile, but over time these fears began to diminish - or so I thought.  I am now re-experiencing those heightened levels of lonesomeness fears and trying to get a better handle on them.  They are frequently accompanied with a sense of complete helplessness to be loved and value by others, and also - I am just now realizing - that I have always felt eviscerated and unable to have any effect on my own life. 

Hi Joe,

your young life is very similar to mine. I kept a diary of my 20s and the theme is being alone and empty. It was only relieved by being with someone 'special'.

I have found many explanations (through much reading) for what I experienced... .some ring true some don't ring at all.

But source of anguish would seem to be childhood experience.

When things ring true I feel good and the explanations calm my fears and I begin to see more clearly.

I hope your book is filling in gaps... .

[joeramabeme]

I hear your pain in this post... .and this is what I think: you're on a very important journey - one that will help you heal and become more whole. But you're not very far into the journey and it's looking sorta dark and you're not sure which way to go so it's sort of depressing.

I wish I could tell you exactly the path to take towards your healing - but these journeys are highly personal and I think part of it is that we have to figure some of it out on our own. I will tell you two things that seem to be helping me: that I found a really good therapist, and that I'm dealing with my childhood traumas.

I'm beginning to see things differently and ask different questions - something I couldn't have imagined a year ago. I don't know how it's going to end up, but I do know I'm feeling better - something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel. Not everything is rosy and peachy, but things are better for me on an emotional level in ways that are hard to put into words.

I feel like I'm rambling now... .I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense.

Thanks for the hugs jhkbuzz.  Same back to you. . . 

Interesting how this book lead me into this rabbit-hole thread of my own making.  I do not want to beat this topic to death but would like to add a reply to what you said I guess in hopes of selfishly being understood.

From all you said above:

Yes, I am still in and out of deep pain as the result of the ending of this marriage.  My current feeling set is a similar emotional spot I was in prior to meeting her (I am in much better place today versus then).  I thought my marriage was vindication that proved all the therapy, 12-step meetings and personal hard work I did for 15 years prior to meeting her had paid off.  When I was 39yo, I had had serious doubts about my decisions to do all this work to try and emotionally heal before getting married.  This is the heart of my despair; I truly made some heroic efforts as a young(er) man to straighten out childhood past and early life mistakes and it all lead to this marriage ending and being discarded as if I did not (and still dont) exist.  I really wanted a family of my own, simple life goal.

I now see that this was a lot of expectation on my marriage even though I felt as I deserved it.  Others who have done far less and hardly seem to care about their families have it, why shouldn't I?  So now at 53yo, I am forced to, yet again, have to rework my life plan and set course for something (I don't know what yet) that falls far short of what i had hoped and prayed and worked so diligently for. 

The best I can come up with to explain all this is that life isn't fair, its just life.  In the interim of figuring out what is next, I have to be vigilant as some of the other foundational work I laid in preparation for this (no longer happening) life event seems pretty useless and at times I feel like throwing it all away.  In short, I feel despair.  It will probably pass and perhaps foolishly, I am reading this book with the hopes of gleaning some information that will get me to a place that I will at least have some of the experience that I worked so hard for and came up so short on.   

Thanks again for being a friend and colleague in reading and replying to this thread.

JRB

[valet]

Hey joe, what is being alone to you?

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, I am still in and out of deep pain as the result of the ending of this marriage.  My current feeling set is a similar emotional spot I was in prior to meeting her (I am in much better place today versus then).  I thought my marriage was vindication that proved all the therapy, 12-step meetings and personal hard work I did for 15 years prior to meeting her had paid off.  When I was 39yo, I had had serious doubts about my decisions to do all this work to try and emotionally heal before getting married.  This is the heart of my despair; I truly made some heroic efforts as a young(er) man to straighten out childhood past and early life mistakes and it all lead to this marriage ending and being discarded as if I did not (and still don't) exist.  I really wanted a family of my own, simple life goal.

I now see that this was a lot of expectation on my marriage even though I felt as I deserved it.

I'd like to be able to say that I put in the same amount of work before getting into my r/s (I didn't), but there are a lot of similarities; I was in a crappy emotional state when I met her, and the r/s came to represent everything I wanted that I thought I would never have (someone who loves me, a family, a 'future' in the context of a r/s). When it fell apart the most difficult thing to deal with is that all those sky-high expectations came crashing down. It took me some time to realize that my expectations didn't really have anything to do with my ex - they were based on my own thoughts, hopes and fears. Mostly my fear that there was something inherently unlovable about me and that I was destined to spend my life alone. In the beginning of the b/u, all of this was wrapped up with my (very understandable) pain at the end of the r/s - so I thought all that pain was about her. Some of it was, some of it wasn't.

[jhkbuzz]

(Part 2: I couldn't fit it all in one post)

So now at 53yo, I am forced to, yet again, have to rework my life plan and set course for something (I don't know what yet) that falls far short of what i had hoped and prayed and worked so diligently for.

Strange that we are the same age! But maybe that's good, because we're in the same life stage and I know exactly what you're talking about. And maybe I'm naive, but I do believe in the basic goodness of life - and if I'm alone, there's a good reason for it and I have some work to do. To be honest, I know I have some work to do. Even though I've been in therapy a couple of times before, I feel like it's different this time around. I think it has something to do with my age and the fact that I'm willing to look at some things in therapy that I couldn't have looked at when I was younger. But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel that same despair, that same angst at trying to figure out how to set a course for myself in this stage of my life - when I thought my course was already set.

This shakiness and discomfort is what buddhists call "groundlessness" - and they consider it a very positive thing. When the rug gets pulled out from under us, our first impulse is to scramble to get SOME kind of rug back under our feet. A Buddhist would counsel you to stay in the groundlessness, in the impermanence. Life is impermanent and we forget that most of the time - we fool ourselves into thinking that relationships or families or jobs or whatever are the solid "ground" of our lives. But the truth is that everything is always in process; changing and shifting and flowing, and our suffering arises when we don't know how to let go and let life ebb and flow the way it always has; the way it always does, the way it always will despite our hopes and dreams – or fears. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because at almost two years post b/u I still don't quite have the ground under me. And maybe that's okay.

One of the things that this experience of pain is doing for me is softening me, and making me more compassionate. That's one of the very real positives, and one I'm grateful for. The despair you feel is not unusual - sad, but not unusual. And it will pass. I write this as I've struggled with despair today as well - but it will pass for me, too. It always does.

BTW, there's nothing foolish about reading the book and continuing the journey. Nothing at all. I hope you continue to share.

[joeramabeme]

Hey joe, what is being alone to you?

Hi Valet

Been thinking about your question since you posted it and it is a confounding one for me to clearly identify.  Will have to come back to it but my internal suspicion is that it is not "being alone" that bothers me as much as the feeling of "why aren't others with me".  

Case and point, when my ex told me she was going to leave and was giving me the silent treatment for months, I felt a sense of comfort just knowing she was in the house - even though she would not interact with me.  I mentally noted how strange this was for me; why would I feel comforted with just the knowledge that someone was there - and yet everything I was doing was by myself.  

I think my answer to your question lies in this little story.  Any thoughts?

[joeramabeme]

It took me some time to realize that my expectations didn't really have anything to do with my ex - they were based on my own thoughts, hopes and fears. Mostly my fear that there was something inherently unlovable about me and that I was destined to spend my life alone. . . . - so I thought all that pain was about her. Some of it was, some of it wasn't.

Agreed.  I have concluded that while she was most intimate with my internal pains, now that the r/s is over, the pain is truly about childhood dreams and losses and family of origin being unavailable.  And to this point, this is why so many cannot relate to the pains I feel 6 months after the divorce, making me once again think - it is about me and feeling dented.

Today in therapy, the T said; it is not that you are dented, your FOO is dented and placed it on you and that I re-lived the experiences I needed to be free of the past - still feeling I can't trust that yet - too many other r/s experiences where I had the same mindset - which leads into the sense of despair - why is it different this time.

Rambling here  . . . Perhaps as heartandwhole said, we don't resolve,(and my addition to this), we just improve.  Flickers of hope.

[joeramabeme]

This shakiness and discomfort is what buddhists call "groundlessness" - and they consider it a very positive thing. When the rug gets pulled out from under us, our first impulse is to scramble to get SOME kind of rug back under our feet. A Buddhist would counsel you to stay in the groundlessness, in the impermanence. Life is impermanent and we forget that most of the time - we fool ourselves into thinking that relationships or families or jobs or whatever are the solid "ground" of our lives. But the truth is that everything is always in process; changing and shifting and flowing, and our suffering arises when we don't know how to let go and let life ebb and flow the way it always has; the way it always does, the way it always will despite our hopes and dreams – or fears. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because at almost two years post b/u I still don't quite have the ground under me. And maybe that's okay.

One of the things that this experience of pain is doing for me is softening me, and making me more compassionate. That's one of the very real positives, and one I'm grateful for. The despair you feel is not unusual - sad, but not unusual. And it will pass. I write this as I've struggled with despair today as well - but it will pass for me, too. It always does.

BTW, there's nothing foolish about reading the book and continuing the journey. Nothing at all. I hope you continue to share.

Yes, my yoga teacher gave me the same lesson.  Glad to hear it lead you to compassion.  I have gained some from this experience but still inwardly feeling the losses.  I think we who have been down this path truly can begin to understand the saying "better to understand than be understood"; provides a freedom to life that I can't muster otherwise.

Thanks JHK

JRB

[jhkbuzz]

This shakiness and discomfort is what buddhists call "groundlessness" - and they consider it a very positive thing. When the rug gets pulled out from under us, our first impulse is to scramble to get SOME kind of rug back under our feet. A Buddhist would counsel you to stay in the groundlessness, in the impermanence. Life is impermanent and we forget that most of the time - we fool ourselves into thinking that relationships or families or jobs or whatever are the solid "ground" of our lives. But the truth is that everything is always in process; changing and shifting and flowing, and our suffering arises when we don't know how to let go and let life ebb and flow the way it always has; the way it always does, the way it always will despite our hopes and dreams – or fears. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because at almost two years post b/u I still don't quite have the ground under me. And maybe that's okay.

One of the things that this experience of pain is doing for me is softening me, and making me more compassionate. That's one of the very real positives, and one I'm grateful for. The despair you feel is not unusual - sad, but not unusual. And it will pass. I write this as I've struggled with despair today as well - but it will pass for me, too. It always does.

BTW, there's nothing foolish about reading the book and continuing the journey. Nothing at all. I hope you continue to share.

Yes, my yoga teacher gave me the same lesson.  Glad to hear it lead you to compassion.  I have gained some from this experience but still inwardly feeling the losses.  I think we who have been down this path truly can begin to understand the saying "better to understand than be understood"; provides a freedom to life that I can't muster otherwise.

Thanks JHK

JRB

The compassion didn't arise early; I was in too much pain, and too angry. Remember, I'm almost two years post b/u. At one year I was still pretty messy.

[valet]

Hey joe, what is being alone to you?

Hi Valet

Been thinking about your question since you posted it and it is a confounding one for me to clearly identify.  Will have to come back to it but my internal suspicion is that it is not "being alone" that bothers me as much as the feeling of "why aren't others with me".  

Case and point, when my ex told me she was going to leave and was giving me the silent treatment for months, I felt a sense of comfort just knowing she was in the house - even though she would not interact with me.  I mentally noted how strange this was for me; why would I feel comforted with just the knowledge that someone was there - and yet everything I was doing was by myself.  

I think my answer to your question lies in this little story.  Any thoughts?

I would see this as a lightbulb moment.

And the the key word is someone!

I struggled with these thoughts too during the end of the relationship. My anxiety was lifted when she was around, but if we substitute the word caregiver, meaning our parental figures, it becomes clear that we were prone to accept this behavior... .and it happened a long time ago. There is also no erasing this fact.

Healing is coping. Ideas like this are important. They help us figure out who we are and learn how to live with and appreciate it.