Had to call the police so my son's mother would take him home

[JerryRG]

My son's mother played her games again tonight, not taking my son back when she said she would. I don't know what to do about her anymore, she says she's a Christian yet acts like a devil.

I'm back to walking away from my son so I don't lose my mind. My family beat me up for not being able to deal with her. They all tell me to just stop letting her bother me.

Shouldn't I be enjoying my life right now, knowing cancer is inside me just waiting to surface again?

Is this what life's about, watching my son suffer because his mother is mentally ill. And I'm suppose to save him. I can't save no one as I've learned.

I think I'm no good as a dad, I get sick and weak from chemo then have to chase my son around while his mother is out broadcasting to the world I'm a monster.

Never seen this coming.

I'm in the pity pot again. At least now I'm aware of it.

Dance with the devil of mental illness and pay the price, my son is paying the most.

I'm really sorry I didn't listen and did things my way

[sweet tooth]

All of the stress is going to impact your physical health.

[JerryRG]

Yes and my ex loves the thought, she told me again tonight she's giving my son away. Excuse me? You only want him if I take him once in a while yet you won't turn him over to me full time so he's happy? Does this make any sense?

My god she's totally flippen nuts and a pure socialpath

The thing that hurts right now is my family won't lift a finger to read these forums to understand what I'm dealing with. I'm getting beat up from them for getting beat up from her.

How difficult is it to read a few pages

I know I will be ok, my son is not but his mother calls the shots from her distorted brain.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

My son's mother played her games again tonight, not taking my son back when she said she would.

I'd like to echo sweet tooth, that would be emotionally distressing, stressful and hard on your health. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Do you have switch on switch off days and times in a court order? I spelled everything out in my court order so that there's no ambiguity or opportunities for conflict. I would advise that it's spelled out in black and white so that there's no room for misinterpretation and he said she said.

My exBPDw would change days, times and didn't care about what my work schedule was like ( or the kids schedule ) and she would project and / or dissociate. She was really self absorbed after the split.

Sometimes my ex is late but she follows the court order because she knows that I will call the cops and she doesn't like to go court and deal with a judge because I think that she's scared of authoritative figures. That said, they're court appointed boundaries will have repercussions if they are broken often.

I'm really sorry I didn't listen and did things my way

What do you mean?

[steelwork]

Jerry, I'm really sorry the issues around your son continue to be so chaotic. I wonder if you had a chance to look at the last response I put on your post about your difficulties bonding with him.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294215.10

[sweet tooth]

Unfortunately, you can't control what your family does. I know this sounds kind of cruel, but if I were in your shoes I'd tell them, "Help me out and validate me or get out of my way." I think that's a fair boundary. You don't need the added stress of people who are ignorant of your ex-wife's condition emotionally beating you up.

[JerryRG]

Oh my god!

I'm in the ER feeling sorry for myself and my doctor comes in and I tell him what's going on. He says that guy she's with? He beat her up about a month ago! He's no good and dangerous and just yesterday I text my exgf telling her she's in more danger now than she's ever been.

The doctor knows he's bound by law to not say anything and he apologized to me, I asked if my ex was seriously injured and he said she wasn't needing hospitalization. Holy cow what a nightmare

[JerryRG]

I'm getting my son the hell out of there and he's never going back, no wonder he's afraid of her bf

[Hadlee]

That poor little boy :'(

[JerryRG]

He will be ok from now on

[Sunfl0wer]

It may be possible that the times she does not want to get him are times that she feels it is unsafe for him due to her relationship dynamics or such.  Maybe she goes out with a friend to get away, and if she had son, she would have to be home and accessible to an abuser.  Idk, but she may have a reason to not have son that you are not aware of.

I know I have asked about why you do not express a court ordered visitation schedule... .and I did not see a reply.

I see here it was again asked, you did not reply.

Not having a clearly defined parenting schedule can be an excellent way for drama to continue.

Your situation has constant drama.  Many parents in the co parenting section also have an ex that is BPD and quite disordered yet have found ways to minimize drama for the sake of the child.

Jerry, I am going to say this bluntly:

What steps are you taking to deescalate all this excitement so that your communications about son can be more boring and focus just on time/location?

You are way over-involved in way more than simple parent exchanges.  I cannot even write here and ignore that fact when you have a child involved in the middle of this 'detaching" method.  Your son is a pawn, discussions that should focus on his care, have less to do with him and more to do about two adults, this is so sad!

[Fr4nz]

Agree with sunflower! Jerry, please, please, please, enforce your boundaries and reduce drama, for the sake of your son!

[JerryRG]

I agree I need to reduce the drama. I know cannot expect her to do the same.

[JerryRG]

Yes steelwork

I do wonder myself about PTSD, I've had that diagnosis for many years and I believe it's worse now.

My ex used him to control me and constant threats of taking him away. Everything I did as a father was wrong but then her wanting me to have him all the time. Push pull, I couldn't win.

So many contributions just like yesterday saying he needs me yet she will give him away if I don't see him, then she won't take him back. It never ends. I believe she's trying to break me down and destroy me just for entertainment

[Sunfl0wer]

I agree I need to reduce the drama. I know cannot expect her to do the same.

This is an important realization.

You cannot depend on her to keep the drama down. 

So while you cannot control her engagement in drama, you can only control your own.

I think you should consider posting on the co parenting board, if you haven't started already.  While you are posting here on detaching about the dynamics that continue to exist between her and yourself, there still exists the need to learn skills for simplifying the co parenting aspects of your situation.

There is A LOT that I see here that you DO have control over in terms of minimizing drama for co parenting issues.  There is a lot that is not dependent on her, that you CAN do today.

Please consider separating the two issues:

(By using both boards to learn skills to deescalate things vs focus on venting primarily)

1. Detaching

2. Parenting