Temptation of breaking NC

[Puzzledpieces]

Having major temptation today breaking NC and I'm almost at 2 weeks!

Strength for me pls!

[freemanstrut]

Even if you talked to them, would you believe anything they said?

My advice is to stay sober and physically active.  Keep busy and keep your eyes on the road ahead.  Remember FOG.  You do you.

Wishing you strength and happiness from afar.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Puzzledpieces,

You might try this:

When you feel that urgent need to reach out... .STOP. Breathe and feel in your body what feeling you are trying to soothe away. Give yourself at least 10 minutes to focus on you and what your feelings bring up.

Repeat as needed 

Boy, I have been there, and failed many times to take my own advice! I know you can do this, because you came here first to get support (so wise!). Keep us posted, and be gentle with yourself.

heartandwhole

[Startingafreshafter18yrs]

Don't do it, you will feel even worse afterwards

[Puzzledpieces]

Thanks Guys!

I didn't give in thankfully. I don't have these temptations as often anymore, but when i do they're pretty strong. I don't even know why I feel the need when he's been so terrible to me.

[Startingafreshafter18yrs]

I know we all say time heals and it's no great comfort at the time but believe me it does.

I wouldn't of thought I would be where I am now this time last year, but that longing to contact them was the worst feeling for me it's such a sad horrible place to be.

I contacted my ex on many occasions and every single time I did I felt even worse so in the end I learned the hard way.

[C.Stein]

Thanks Guys!

I didn't give in thankfully. I don't have these temptations as often anymore, but when i do they're pretty strong. I don't even know why I feel the need when he's been so terrible to me.

It is hard to let go of the good even when faced with all the pain and damage that was done.  It is one of the things that makes these relationships so incredibly difficult to get over.  The cognitive disconnect between the good and the bad will get worse before it gets better.  Merging these two halves of your ex into a whole person again and accepting this is who he is will likely be the most difficult part of your healing.   We are here to help you get through it ... .you aren't alone.   

[Puzzledpieces]

I think fear holds me back from contacting him, which I guess in essence is a good thing. Up until 2 weeks ago when I was contacting him via text I would receive radio silence. So knowing that I will probably be ignored anyways keeps me motivated to stay away.

I feel like all this has taken over me, it's all I think about and for that reason I really appreciate bed time because I can shut my brain off and not worry about it all.

I hate silent treatment. Usually I'm in a positive mood, remembering my self worth and how I'm better than this and deserve better. But the odd times I go back and forth in my head with reaching out. If they wanted to talk to us, they would right? Or is this part of the game of who can hold out the longest?

[Dhand77]

I think fear holds me back from contacting him, which I guess in essence is a good thing. Up until 2 weeks ago when I was contacting him via text I would receive radio silence. So knowing that I will probably be ignored anyways keeps me motivated to stay away.

I feel like all this has taken over me, it's all I think about and for that reason I really appreciate bed time because I can shut my brain off and not worry about it all.

I hate silent treatment. Usually I'm in a positive mood, remembering my self worth and how I'm better than this and deserve better. But the odd times I go back and forth in my head with reaching out. If they wanted to talk to us, they would right? Or is this part of the game of who can hold out the longest?

Speaking only about my exBPDgf. It's all a game. From the silent treatment to having her flying monkeys watch my every movement outside at lunch. It's all some form of manipulation or control.

I know the feeling, it's been 5 months this week, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to "reach out" and have some adult discussion about what went down. Sadly though, that's just not in the cards and very well may never be. It's just something we just have to accept, and that can be difficult. I've never been one for silent treatment, but NC is just the best option in these kind of circumstances.

The way I see it, if I reach out, she gains control. I'll appear "weak" and it will probably just fuel her narrative that I'm "sad and crazy" to her next paramour so she can keep up looking like the victim. I know it's tough, but NC is what is best.

[C.Stein]

But the odd times I go back and forth in my head with reaching out. If they wanted to talk to us, they would right? Or is this part of the game of who can hold out the longest?

They would and I don't think it is a game necessarily.   It might be for some but I would think most are acting impulsively on emotions in the moment to fulfill some need, it really has nothing to do with us at all.  With my ex I have essentially died ... .she has not even acknowledge we ever had a relationship since she threw me away let alone that she ever had feelings for me.  Every single email I have sent has gone unanswered ... .and to be honest I didn't even really want or expect an answer. 

She has to do this because the alternative is simply too painful for her.  It is easier for her to hate and blame me than to face herself and take responsibility for her actions that destroyed me and our relationship.  So she stays silent ... .with one exception which I discussed in a couple of threads on this forum.   

I know how you feel.  I ruminate all the time, still get daily tears in my eyes and I'm 10 months post trash bin.  The trauma of the loss is like nothing you have probably ever experienced before and it will be unbelievably hard for a while, but you will make it through the pain as long as you embrace it and deal with it head on. 

This forum was my only life line through all this and it does help tremendously.  We have your back, you have our support, we are here to help you through this and you will make it through stronger and better than before.   

[Puzzledpieces]

Speaking only about my exBPDgf. It's all a game. From the silent treatment to having her flying monkeys watch my every movement outside at lunch. It's all some form of manipulation or control.

It's so hard to tell if it's a game. I think if it truly was one then they would probably contact at some point or another because they care that much to bother putting in all that energy, but that's just me thinking normally . It's strange to think someone would have people watching you, yet never reach out to you hey?

The way I see it, if I reach out, she gains control. I'll appear "weak" and it will probably just fuel her narrative that I'm "sad and crazy" to her next paramour so she can keep up looking like the victim. I know it's tough, but NC is what is best.

I see it the same way. It takes away that powerful feeling you have of showing that you don't care. Your really back at square one if you break contact and they still don't answer you. I have to see my guy during the week not by choice, and he is very passive there in person, will ignore me I never initiate (which I haven't been cuz I'm mad) but if I were to do so he would talk to me like I'm a regular person who has just having a normal chat with. It's so bizarre. 2 personalities... .I feel like I know different twins or something

[Puzzledpieces]

Yeah that could be true as well, acting on impulse/in the moment from their emotions. That makes sense.  I think mine took off because he's afraid of my feelings. I wanted more from him. This ST which has been the longest so far has me wondering if this is his passive aggressive away of just letting me go. Hence why he could be pleasant in person. he's been MIA by text and email and won't respond, yet last time we spoke in person he was up for going out for his birthday, that was the main reason I had text him ... .To make those plans ... .Silence. Why would they say yes when they mean no. Or do they mean yes but don't know? Haha I'm confused. Honesty seems much simpler. 

[C.Stein]

Sometime silence is just a result of not having anything to say or not knowing what to say.  It doesn't have to be anything more than that.

[Puzzledpieces]

That's true. But after a month? If you care about someone you wouldn't just banish them from your life because you don't know what to say. I guess that's normal thinking though and probably the reason why it's misunderstood.

I always felt like the intiator because he was passive and shy and didn't mind being that way, but then silence after my last 6 texts over a 3-4 week period made me wonder why I bother. I suppose it's just something we have to deal with since we can't control the situation. We never had a fight, and my last few messages were reminders that I valued our friendship/relationship and cared about him a great deal. Even those were ignored. Usually ST ended in the past because of me reaching out. This time it's been tough, I tried though! Now I'm focusing more on me.

[C.Stein]

That's true. But after a month? If you care about someone you wouldn't just banish them from your life because you don't know what to say.

Given the nature of the disorder ... .yes it is very possible ... .a month ... .a year ... .a lifetime.  

Now I'm focusing more on me.

Yes yes yes ... .and this is where your focus should be.   

[Puzzledpieces]

Yeah you're right, I know a month is probably nothing at all compared to what they can do! I am still having a hard time accepting it. Each day seems like enough tortute, I can't even think of all the months I may have ahead of me.

Do they like when you reach out do you think? Like when they see your msgs are they happy but don't acknowledge it or do you think we seriously annoy them and make them mad? I know I shouldn't even care this much to ask that, I suppose I'm jaunt another tough day.

[C.Stein]

Do they like when you reach out do you think? Like when they see your msgs are they happy but don't acknowledge it or do you think we seriously annoy them and make them mad? I know I shouldn't even care this much to ask that, I suppose I'm jaunt another tough day.

No one can say other than them.  I personally think it is a mixed bag depending largely on how the message is interpreted.  They might feel happy (for the wrong reasons) or it might trigger feelings of shame and guilt ... .and then hate towards you for making them feel that way ... .you just can't know. 

We all have tough days, it is totally understandable.  Hang in there.   

[Leonis]

That's true. But after a month? If you care about someone you wouldn't just banish them from your life because you don't know what to say. I guess that's normal thinking though and probably the reason why it's misunderstood.

It's possible. Given the stunt my ex's siblings pulled last week, what could she possibly say (without really thinking about the script)?

They'd basically said that she and I got back together last summer because I forced her via harassing the family. So, it'd seem all the high opinions they've had of me were fake. Or perhaps they all exhibit PD traits. Perhaps both?

[Puzzledpieces]

Yeah I suppose it's all a mystery hey. Everything they do and why they do it... .

I'm really struggling with it all this past 24 hours. I find myself talking myself out of sending msgs almost every hour so far today. I don't even know why I'd want to contact, there is very little I've missed from this emotional roller coaster. I just get so frustrated with this all... .And that includes myself for even wasting time and energy thinking about it all.