struggling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all. I am really struggling to move past my breakup with my BPD gf. It's been just over a week NC.  I had recently gone to Costa Rica to get away and just before leaving I saw her and we had sex. It was amazing but she actually lied to me that same night about where she was. I then spent 2 weeks alone out of the country essentially going insane wondering where she was ect. She wrote me several email apologizing and explaining but nothing is enough. I don't believe anything she says. She was supposed to pick me up at the airport but never showed up and has been missing in action since. While away she manipulated me into letting her see the dog because she was so sad ect. I now realize that she only feels good at my expense. I think she cheated and is with a new guy now. To be honest, I want to ruin her life as she has ruined mine. I can't think my work is suffering hugely and she just gets to go about her life. I have an email from a week ago outlining how much she loves me ect and now just gone? The sick part is she is a teacher. I put my entire life on hold dealing with her and helping her and now I'm nothing. I want to tell the school she has a drug problem and post a video of her so she is ruined. What pissed me off the most is that she gets to feel comfortable knowing I won't do that because I'm not a bad guy. But I really wish I could be. I don't want to bump into her and her new victim but I surely will. She moved here for me and now just leaves me in her wake and makes me the reason for her issues. I want to ruin her as she has ruined me. Stooping to her level is the only thing that ever got a reaction from her

[Venny]

Hello all. I am really struggling to move past my breakup with my BPD gf. It's been just over a week NC.  I had recently gone to Costa Rica to get away and just before leaving I saw her and we had sex. It was amazing but she actually lied to me that same night about where she was. I then spent 2 weeks alone out of the country essentially going insane wondering where she was ect. She wrote me several email apologizing and explaining but nothing is enough. I don't believe anything she says. She was supposed to pick me up at the airport but never showed up and has been missing in action since. While away she manipulated me into letting her see the dog because she was so sad ect. I now realize that she only feels good at my expense. I think she cheated and is with a new guy now. To be honest, I want to ruin her life as she has ruined mine. I can't think my work is suffering hugely and she just gets to go about her life. I have an email from a week ago outlining how much she loves me ect and now just gone? The sick part is she is a teacher. I put my entire life on hold dealing with her and helping her and now I'm nothing. I want to tell the school she has a drug problem and post a video of her so she is ruined. What pissed me off the most is that she gets to feel comfortable knowing I won't do that because I'm not a bad guy. But I really wish I could be. I don't want to bump into her and her new victim but I surely will. She moved here for me and now just leaves me in her wake and makes me the reason for her issues. I want to ruin her as she has ruined me. Stooping to her level is the only thing that ever got a reaction from her

[heartandwhole]

Hi Venny,



I'm sorry to hear about your relationship breakdown. That hurts so much. I've been there and can fully understand your feelings of anger and wanting revenge. Those feelings are very normal, and you don't have to act on them, just feel them so that they don't get stuck.  My advice is not to sacrifice your personal values for a temporary soothing of some uncomfortable feelings. Your self respect is worth more than that 

How long were you together? I'm not clear if there was an agreed upon breakup with a request for NC or did she just disappear while you were gone?

Hang in there. I know it feels really, really terrible right now, but things really do get better. Really. The tools on this site and the amazingly supportive members here will help get you back on your feet.

Keep writing Venny, and tell us more of your story. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Sadly]

Hi Venny

It's awful isn't it but you sound nice so don't let yourself down. I have wanted to get even, to hurt my pwBPD too, very much but I couldn't because it isn't in me. What I did is what I have read about being done here too. I wrote it all down, as a letter to him. Every vile bad thought and wish, every bad thing he had done and said to me, how much it had hurt me and the hatred and anger I felt to him. I knew I would never send it, mainly because it would have had as little effect as saying it to his face. Zero. It helped me, please try it if you would. Oh, and I punched a pillow till the feathers flew, not great cos I had to pick them up afterwards but it felt good