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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Why would they leave somethings behind when they initiated the breakup  (Read 569 times)
nmanalan

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: June 16, 2016, 09:17:39 AM »

I have been reading the topics on this board since my wife first left me in 2013. My story begins like this. We met on a blind date in feb 2011. I was 45 and she was 22. Things went really fast and she fell head over hills towards me. I got a little bit stunned on how this woman could make statements to me like i am the one she had been wanting to be with and be the father of her child. Strange but i thought she was just madly in love with me despite of the fact that she uncovered certain things about my previous relationships. I told her to think really hard before getting more serious because of my baggage. That did not dissuade her and we got married in july of that same year.

Things were rosy. Life was good. However there were a few things i noticed that seemed not normal. She stalked my previous gf and she has this side of her where she gets very upset when i try to get out during a heated argument so i can just cool off. She doesnt like it when i leave. Also when i travel for business her behavior was weird as she kept saying that she couldnt stand being alone. Mind you i am only away for a few days. Those were odd but i thought that is just who she is.

But in the latter part of 2012 i noticed that she didnt have that same energy towards me like before. In feb of 2013 we had an argument and she left. She went back to her parents and completely shut me off. I felt like i was the plague. Even her parents told me to stay away so i wasnt even sure what she told them about me.

Then a few months later we got back together and I promised her i will change for the betterment of the relationship even though i thought there wasnt anything i did so bad to be treated that way. A couple of months later she left again.


This almost killed me and I was so lost until I started doing research on the behavior she had shown. This led me to Bpd and that was quiet a revelation that made it explain why these things happened. And so i studied and read more on it.

Fast forward to 2014, she left again and this time we were separated for 6 months. But during this time she made contact and i engaged. I was testing what i knew about BPD. I even consulted a psychologist and based on my testimony she was very certain my wife exhibited the traits of a BPD. She warned me that she will come back and if i take her then she will leave again.

During the 3rd quarter of 2014 she reengaged and this time she used divorce as our point of discussion. Mind you she seems to cone up with things for me to reengage. Again this resulted in us getting back together as i explained to her what i know and she seemed to agree that there is something wrong. So i decided against the warning of my psychologist to take her back without any therapy but using the tools that i have learned from this board to prepare myself.

2015 was good and i thought things were going great. She still continued to stalk my previous gf. I tried not to dwell on it too much although i was getting irritated but no point in making her upset so i was also very careful not to make her feel anxious. I didnt like behaving this way but i cared for her so much that i did all i can to keep things stable.

In mar 2016 i had to go abroad for 2 months and i told her this is a good lithmus test on whether she can stand being left alone for that long. Well she made it. However when i came back i noticed she was different and i suspected that something will happen. 2 weeks after i came back we had a silly argument but this time it resulted in her asking for space and wanted to have time alone to figure out what she wants. For chrissake until now this woman doesnt know what she wants. But i did not jade despite of the fact that she started blaming me on everything. She was so surprised that i did not react aggressively. So anyways i left the house to avoid conflict and that was the last time i saw her. She left and moved to her parents house. I made no contact and proceeded with my business. Then she contacted me asking if i can pack her stuff and ship to her place. I declined and i told her come to the house and get all your stuff and i will not be there.

When i came back i saw a drawer full of her undies and bras and a few other items. How can she not take them since she knows where they are. Also she did not leave my key to my condo. But i did not bother to ask then a few days later she texted me and said she is breaking up and i told her i expected this but no worries and i will be fine and whatever i know about her mental illness i will just keep it to myself. I told her that i wish her luck and good luck to the next man. She apologized for all the nasty stuff she said but i did not reply.

So then she unfriended me in fb and 2 weeks now we had no contact. Although i have noticed she has been changing her profile pic on fb and instagram very frequently and even posted some messages pertaining to me.

I did not bother to attack nor rebut. And so that is my story but what i would like to know from you all is what is the meaning of her leaving her undies and bras and other clothing items at my place. Was this intentional and what is her motive this time?

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bAlex
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2016, 10:30:36 AM »

Hi there,

If she's anything like my ex she left it there on purpose so that she would have a legitimate excuse to contact you in the future, if she chose to.

That might not be the case, seeing that everyone is different, but reading your story it just seems likely to me.
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2016, 03:02:31 PM »

Hi nmanalan,

Welcome

I would like to join bAlex and welcome you. A relationship with someone that suffers from BPD can feel like we're walking on eggshells or being very careful to not make our exes feel anxiou or upset. I'm glad that you decided to join the discussion after lurking, you'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

I'd like to echo bAlex. She probably left her things so that it gives her a reason to contact. It sounds like she probably feeling engulfed, I can relate with that, we separated often in our marriage and usually my ex would act out angrily and would push.

What does "engulfment" mean?

Are you done with the relationship?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
schwing
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« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2016, 03:50:42 PM »

The motive and intention of leaving things behind?  The only way she could have left you (in my opinion) is because she is already attached to another person.  But you see, whoever she is attached to, she will always be wary that that person can/will abandon her.  And for her, the only way to "avoid abandonment" even if that abandonment is only imagined, is to always have someone else to run to.  Because if she can abandon first (leave first) then she can avoid being abandoned.

So she left you to be with someone else (is my guess) but already with that other person she has second thoughts.  And so now she sees you as someone that she can run to *in case* she feels like the next person is going to abandon her.  The things she left behind is an excuse.  Maybe one she'll use in the future, maybe not.  But I'd bet money that she has several of these kind of "escape routes" planned.

I'd bet money that while she was with you, she had these kinds of plans with other people.

All the things that she was paranoid about you doing with your ex-gf, I would imagine she was doing exactly that. 
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nmanalan

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2016, 07:40:09 PM »

Hello mutt,

She is with her family right now as what she normally does when she leaves. As I said this has been her style ever since and before i would pursue her to come back but after realizing what was causing this behavior i felt better because it wasnt really me that made her leave. Although i have accepted her back whenever she came back my life and my movements were always in check so she does not get agitated. She knows she has a problem that is why on this last episode she was surprise to see me being so calm in letting her go. She felt that i expected this. The truth is that i feel better because i proved to myself that there is really something wrong. When she came back i knew no matter what i will do she will leave eventually.

What is really irritating is i let her get all her things but she still left quiet a few at my place.  I think you guys are right and that i am again a backup in case things dont work out with her plan.

I am moving on. I am too old for this and i need someone that is more stable emotionally.
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Herodias
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« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2016, 08:04:38 PM »

Yes, they don't care about things at all. They leave them there for you to remember them by. Possibly as a reason to contact you in the future. Mine always left things. He liked to have things of mine too. If you have an address to he parents, I would ship them to her and change the locks. That will send the message you are done. Be done-It is exhausting.
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2016, 09:30:55 PM »

What is really irritating is i let her get all her things but she still left quiet a few at my place.

Hi nmanalan,

Can her family come get her things? Can you drop her things off at her family's?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
nmanalan

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2016, 12:16:00 AM »

Hello mutt,

She went to my place as i told her while i was gone but left quiet a few personal items. Anyways this behavior is so childish and immature. Now we have been in no contact the last 2 weeks and i have moved on pretty much. I think like in the past she will reengage again once she gets bored.

Me, I am done with this. Too tiring and exhausting mentally. I learned my lessons and will just move on.



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