A non rebuilding post-divorce. Being transgender, I'm blamed for everything

[GodHelpMe]

It's been years since I've posted here.  Hope this helps others... .

While most people aren't transgender, I am.  Being the non who read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" 10 years ago, it opened my eyes to a whole new world of understanding of what I was battling in our relationship.  It was clear the was a high-functioning uBPD and I was the non. 

Since then, I've learned to hold my ground, but have failed many times. 

Nearly two years ago, I realized I was transgender (I'm a sloowwww learner ).  After I came out, I was fearing the worst... .not just anger and disillusionment after 15 years of marriage but physical violence.  Yeah, that happened.  I knew it would.  I made it through that awful night. 

Our divorce was final about 10 months later.  I'm starting to rebuild.  I'm learning to not communicate with her even if there's issues with the house that need to be addressed.  I love helping but not when it's based out of guilt, shame, coercion, etc.  I'm learning to only speak with her when it comes to issues with the kids or other such family issues.  Otherwise, she made the choice to end the relationship and blame me for all the problems. 

She has refused the many many many requests I've had of her to go to counseling.  The only times she went to counseling was with the family... .both in dire straits.  The counselor herself she needs to accept her daughter is gay.  She still hasn't accepted her much at all in this crucial area of our daughter's life.  That's why she lives with me.  I can give her latitude to be herself. 

And I'm blamed for making my daughter gay.  Can't make this stuff up!

I wonder how many transgender people are the nons in relationships?  After all we bury everything and aim to please, try to fulfill life in a script of what we are supposed to do... .thus that would give us too much attraction to the controlling BPD types in life.  Sigh.

I'm healing, I'm repairing.

And it's VERY tough to say "no" to her when it comes time to help with non-child matters. If I do, I must change back to my old pre-transition self just to come by.  No way.  If she can't deal with looking at me for half an hour while I fix something or help out in someway, then I can't stop by.  I have to draw the line somewhere, that somewhere is being me, even if she can't accept it then throw texts my way regarding how it's all about me and how I'm selfish (hundreds of those thrown my way to guilt me into doing whatever she wants done).

I'm learning that she wanted me for what I can do for her, not who I am.  Which leaves a very aching, vacant space in my heart.  That means I fell in love with a mirage of her, not the real her. 

Thank you for reading this all

M

[Turkish]

You were probably blamed for everything before the divorce, right? She being violent, she choosing to end it... .

How old are the kids, and are there custody issues, or is your D living with you an adult?

You admit you struggle with boundaries. If you're divorced, what non-child matters are you helping with? Do you think you should be at all?

[GodHelpMe]

Oh yes, I was blamed for everything before the divorce.  My performance was never good enough.  And when I put my foot down, so to speak, she would back off, but still demand performance from me.  The relationship was long gone by 1st anniversary.

She chose to divorce me, which I figured would happen.  She was violent when I came out then one other time.  Otherwise, much verbal abuse. Too much.

Kids are in their mid teens. Daughter living with me, son with her.  Son sides with her views on most things at this age.  I know this is hard for him. I can only wonder how much easier it would be if his mother wasn't so, well, BPD like in her behavior.

Non-child matters, AC system repair yesterday, otherwise just small stuff such as tuning up the lawnmowers, etc.  Even that has wound-down in the near year we've been divorced.  And I'm seeing that helping out isn't all bad, the kids actually get to see us get along... .a positive thing I'm sure.  Just don't know where to draw that line with all that.  Thank you.

[Mutt]

I can't help you with where to draw the line but I bet that it makes the kids happy to see their parents get along post divorce. I didn't want to divorce, my exBPDw made an impulsive choice. In the end it was best for both parties. The kids are not seeing mom and dad fight.

Does you son or daughter talk to someone? My kids are younger than yours and I have told them to talk to a school teacher if there's something that they feel like they can't tell mom or dad. I want them to get a chance to talk to someone neutral so that they don't feel like they're not loyal, or worried about hurting parent's feelings, I want them to have a fair chance at getting their honest feelings out.  

[GodHelpMe]

It does indeed make them happy to see us get along, even if only on simple issues.  Like yourself, I didn't want divorce. But, the calmness in each household is noticeable by the kids.

My daughter has a counselor so does my son, but my ex won't take him even if I volunteer to pay for his sessions.  It's rather depressing to see her refuse to help out. She says she doesn't need professional counseling  

[sweet tooth]

It does indeed make them happy to see us get along, even if only on simple issues.  Like yourself, I didn't want divorce. But, the calmness in each household is noticeable by the kids.

My daughter has a counselor so does my son, but my ex won't take him even if I volunteer to pay for his sessions.  It's rather depressing to see her refuse to help out. She says she doesn't need professional counseling  

1. Don't be ashamed of who you are. What you do with your body is your own choice. Other people might not like it, myself included, but you have the right to do what you want with your own body. I understand that your transgenderism probably came as a shock to your family, especially your wife. However, when it comes to brass tax it's your right to identify as any gender you choose. As long as you aren't hurting anybody else (and you're not) it really isn't anybody's business. Transgenderism makes some people uncomfortable, myself included, but that's on us. That isn't a reflection of you. I hope that you understand that. I admire that you had the courage to make the difficult decision of coming out.

2. NOBODY deserves physical violence. I'm sorry that you had to endure that. 

3. If I were you, I would think it best to shift my focus more on the children than on my ex-wife. That relationship sounds beyond repair, but you can still make it work with your children.

4. Number 1 goes the same for your daughter: Nobody has to LIKE that your daughter is gay, but a family member has an obligation to support her even though her homosexuality makes them feel uncomfortable. It's not your FAULT that she is gay. Homosexuality and transgenderism are complex and don't stem from ONE source. It's unfair to point the finger at you for that, even if it does make your ex-wife uncomfortable.

5. I would shift my focus on what I can control rather than what I can't control, namely my ex-wife in your case.

I hope this helped. I'm here to offer any support I can.