Feel really awful.

[teorainn]

So my father with uBPD, who's BPD gets extra triggered when he's substance abusing (alcohol) started talking to me today. I've been very distanced from him lately due to his erratic behaviour and manipulation techniques, I've been really upset with him and just have left him alone mostly.

I found out some fantastic news that my half-sister (Dad's eldest daughter) is pregnant. I told him. He must have had a fair few, and I didn't realise at the time. He doesn't have a relationship with her but I thought he'd like to know. Instantly he started becoming furious swearing about how it he's the last person to know anything and getting so angry, abusing me and blaming me because I was an awful person because I got told things before him (Nobody told me anyway, I just saw a post on FB).

However, I didn't react appropriately. I was so frustrated with him for being so uncaring about his own daughter being pregnant, and making it about himself... .I kind of had a go at him and told him he needs to get over himself. Which was unfair of me, given that it is his illness, I was just so angry and frustrated at the time.

That escalated him though, I stopped talking to him after that and closed our discussion on FB at the time.

Unfortunately my sister I grew up with who has BPD came into the picture and was on the phone to him, and he obviously took advantage of the fact that she doesn't understand how to cope with him when he is like this, and so he started threatening to hurt himself and scream and blame her for everything and just completely lose it... .

And I feel quite awful because maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point, if I had just stayed calm, walked away and kept my mouth shut.

He has a mental illness, and yes he needs to learn how to cope. But if I am lucky enough to be able to understand his mental illness, and put strategies in place to make things easier for him and everyone, it feels extra wrong of me to push his buttons, in a sense. I have that knowledge, I should be more responsible with it, and be more appreciative that I can have this insight into his mental health. Instead I just blasted him and probably made it more difficult for everyone.

Idk, just a bad day, guys.

[HappyChappy]

I can understand why you would feel very frustrated by all this. Your BPD farther is presenting you/anyone with very difficult behaviour to deal with. But you are allowed to make mistakes, we all are. Also just as your Dad deserves understanding, so do you as a child who had to deal with all this.



Your behaviour sounds quiet normal, given the circumstances. I know we beat ourselves up about this, but in honesty its partly because we’ve been trained to beat ourselves up by our BPD. You clearly wanted to act in the best intentions of your family, not something your BPD was doing. So in truth, the way I read this, you where the honourable party and if blame needs to come, it should be on your BPD father, in my opinion.

You have nothing to feel bad about, even though I know we do feel bad in these circumstances. But hey, more importantly your sisters going to have a baby. Great news. And your cat has a red tie, fantastic.   

[Fie]

Hello Teorainn,

I fully agree with HappyChappy. You are probably feeling guilty because this is exactly the emotion your BPD father has installed in you from the moment you were born. This is what BPD people are good at.

Btw, BPD is not an illness. It is not something that 'overcomes' you, or something you were born with. It's a personality disorder, which means that it's 'acquired', and hence you can overcome it.

So no, you did not react inappropriately. It's perfectly normal that sometimes we cannot stay calm in front of erratic  behavior. The opposite would be abnormal  :-)

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Teorainn  

I see that you are a pretty new member so I wanted to be sure and say I'm glad you have joined us. 

Thank you for sharing your current struggles with us. Sounds like you had a rough day, not only in your interactions with your uBPD dad but also in your interactions with yourself. I'm sorry, and I know it's very hard. My uBPDm was my best teacher in the same things most of us have learned, and how well I learned! I was a great student (as are most of us survivors of a pwBPD) and picked up those FOG quite readily. Please know you're not alone.

Your father sounds like he was doing a lot of projecting upon you and your sister, all from the point of his insecurities. How sad that he wasn't able to rejoice with you. I think it's quite normal to be wanting to stand up for yourself and protect, so don't feel bad about protecting yourself. There are some great tips about a technique called SET that might help you in the future at this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

Wishing you a more peaceful day! 



Wools