BPDs have extreme needs

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

If you read enough about validation, and deal with BPD as you have, you'll see there is a big imaginary drama(that perhaps ironically nearly all girls need to have) game being played, and getting attention from husbands/boyfriends/secret lovers/etc. is crucial to the feel good circuit of these harpies er women. I am guessing you are a somewhat average guy, and she is likely a pretty attractive woman who gets lots of male attention. If this is not the case, I am suspecting she has been cold and more and more distant over the past year. Meaning she is getting bored and looking for something to make her life exciting. Something in female biology demands a new sexual mate after the previous mating period, I wish I knew what pill could stomp on that and keep your woman content, but I am afraid she has found whatever new toy or gimmick in her life she thinks is going to make her happy for the next 10 minutes.

BPDs have an extremely warped view of the world they will refuse to leave. If they leave it, and acknowledge the reality or truth of what is going on, they can no longer lie to convince themselves or trick themselves into their behavior being rational. Its really a defense mechanism mixed with a form of socialpathy. To justify her ends, she needs to have a means. Unfortunately her means are you. Sudden irritability or feelings of betrayal live within the BPD mind, and quick snappy judgements occur like chemical reactions - lighters to gasoline.

BPDs are locked in a war that never ends. They need allies, and enemies. Allies to make them feel better and justify their dirtbag behavior. Enemies to take their anger out on to feel better about themselves - ie they are right, they are never the problem, you just don't understand her blah blah. They are so warped they cannot actually see how they are reacting instead of responding.

I will try and post more later.

To me it sounds like she found a new toy, didn't tell you about it, and schemed this whole thing to justify to herself how she can say "___ it" after 6 years. I can tell you in my personal experience I've been discarded super suddenly, relationship over, just for hanging around one day to long. Their minds chemically snap into frustration, which kicks the empanthy circuits out completely and the only thing they can retain attachment for is their super important objects, usually only their offspring and sometimes some stupid ex they drone on about but never see. Of course narcotic drugs don't help either but that's my problem with my special burst of sunshine.

Relationships are hard enough to figure out, the BPD aspect blows the complication through the roof.

[borderlinemeth]

If you read enough about validation, and deal with BPD as you have, you'll see there is a big imaginary drama(that perhaps ironically nearly all girls need to have) game being played, and getting attention from husbands/boyfriends/secret lovers/etc. is crucial to the feel good circuit of these harpies er women. I am guessing you are a somewhat average guy, and she is likely a pretty attractive woman who gets lots of male attention. If this is not the case, I am suspecting she has been cold and more and more distant over the past year. Meaning she is getting bored and looking for something to make her life exciting. Something in female biology demands a new sexual mate after the previous mating period, I wish I knew what pill could stomp on that and keep your woman content, but I am afraid she has found whatever new toy or gimmick in her life she thinks is going to make her happy for the next 10 minutes.

BPDs have an extremely warped view of the world they will refuse to leave. If they leave it, and acknowledge the reality or truth of what is going on, they can no longer lie to convince themselves or trick themselves into their behavior being rational. Its really a defense mechanism mixed with a form of socialpathy. To justify her ends, she needs to have a means. Unfortunately her means are you. Sudden irritability or feelings of betrayal live within the BPD mind, and quick snappy judgements occur like chemical reactions - lighters to gasoline.

BPDs are locked in a war that never ends. They need allies, and enemies. Allies to make them feel better and justify their dirtbag behavior. Enemies to take their anger out on to feel better about themselves - ie they are right, they are never the problem, you just don't understand her blah blah. They are so warped they cannot actually see how they are reacting instead of responding.

I will try and post more later.

To me it sounds like she found a new toy, didn't tell you about it, and schemed this whole thing to justify to herself how she can say "___ it" after 6 years. I can tell you in my personal experience I've been discarded super suddenly, relationship over, just for hanging around one day to long. Their minds chemically snap into frustration, which kicks the empanthy circuits out completely and the only thing they can retain attachment for is their super important objects, usually only their offspring and sometimes some stupid ex they drone on about but never see. Of course narcotic drugs don't help either but that's my problem with my special burst of sunshine.

Relationships are hard enough to figure out, the BPD aspect blows the complication through the roof.

[borderlinemeth]

And I forgot to add, real quick, most woman just lie. Are incapable of being truthful when it comes to emotions because their emotions differ every 5 minutes. Usually... .In my case anyway... .You can take what she says as a grain of salt, and really not believe it. "You don't love me" or "I'm leaving you" or whatever usually means they just follow the magic dragon in front of their nose, wherever it leads them, which very well could be back to you if the cards are played right. I would pull back and recalculate your advance, try the S.E.T. (sympathy, empathy, t) routine *maybe*, or try to find something she is really interested in and deliver. I.E. in my case, I know I could theoretically use drugs to get my girl back. In the meantime, she cheats on me constantly with her neighbors and other guys she invites over who she calls "friends". Then, when I get to visit 3-5 days later, I get to hear her drone on about how her neighbor was joking about how he can't get it up and has ED, or she is really not attracted to her ugly but big friend at all, blah blah. You know these are lies because she wants you to feel secure, because she knows you are suspicious, and knows you are because she is in fact cheating on you.

The big problem with woman is they don't feel cheating is wrong. However, the cheating/monogamy code is wired into almost everybody... .That is to say when a woman and usually more empathetic men cheat, they know it is wrong. The guilt is still there and highly prevalent when they do. They will still do it anyway, but can't help and feel guilty about it afterwards. This is when they start accusing you of not caring, cheating, etc etc and will drop little hints as to what they are really up to, to make themselves feel better. Like in my case of the friend she would occasionally run off with for a night or two after a sudden argument we would have. She had to justify her behavior, which means I had to be the bad guy(argument, discard), so she could feel better about mounting up the big fat new guy(inflates him when I'm not there, deflates me to him), and once she is done with him(argument,discard), will accept *my* apology about not being empathetic enough(ok I'm cutting some events here out on this one, but point still made).

In other words, my apology, for absolutely nothing I did wrong, at all... .will only be accepted AFTER she deflates the new guy. Even if its not cheating or relationships with other guys, even if its just their girlfriends, the behavior is the same. They scorn you, then after a while when they blow out or get bored of their friends, and rekindle you. But the key here is you have to apologize, otherwise they take it personally and their defense kicks up, invalidation feelings come back and the hate blows up and out and usually all on you. S.E.T works pretty well, but again I don't know if this is a SET situation. You will likely have to make some dramatic gesture she finds interesting about how you were SO WRONG, and just couldn't see it until now, and feel SO BAD you treated her that way and ask for another chance. AFTER she's done getting slimey loads from another guy. Isn't this bulls#!+ fun?

[borderlinemeth]

And one more, quick thing... .

Drugs, especially methamphetamines, but even marijuana or heroin... .ANY drugs really... .Easily set off the bad aspects of BPD.

Meth users and BPDs are VERY hard to tell the difference between, and in some cases have BPD and smoke, which is a nightmare let me tell you from personal experience.

Not saying she is doing drugs, and it doesn't sound like it, but its also a easy habit for these compulsive harpies er women to pick up, and very hard to drop. The BPD self justifies the excuse of ANY of their behavior. Even robbing banks. Catch them and they will tell you they never did.

[flourdust]

It sounds like you've got a lot of anger, both toward pwBPD and women in general.

[borderlinemeth]

In order for any of the above mentioned treatments and cures for BPD to work, the negative sources that block it must be removed. There is no healing from BPD when any kind of drug, but especially meth is involved. They block out all natural orders of brain neurons and kick the amaglytha right in the ass. If you want to have a relationship with someone who is BPD, they cannot be doing drugs, especially the hard kinds. Sure, you can have a quasi relationship, for a while. You can think you are in a relationship, for a limited time. But if you want to have a respectful and reciprocal relationship where she values you as much as you value her, the drugs need to leave the scene. Only then will any of the treatments actually begin to work, and it will still be a long road in the healing process. A much better quality of life can be attained in the meantime on the road to recovery, but this is still once meth and all other recreational drugs leave the scene and healing treatments/diets have been in use for a while.

Sadly, very sadly, we do not live in a country that condones any mechanisms of preventing use of drugs, or cheating on your significant other. I have been thinking and thinking about how to put a stop to this and I just can't figure one out. Short of chaining your loved one up to a basement jail, there is nothing that can be done to make the changes necessary. Phones provide rapid communication with drug dealers, and in my case, one moved in next door to my girl. This is, in part why we(myself and my girl) are not currently really seeing each other. She smoked some meth and attacked me via text next day, and since then has been avoidant with me and spends a lot of time with her old "friend" that is her new current roommate, as she blames me for something nearly daily. She is very much keeping her distance and although is friendly with me on a verbal level, has shown very little romantic interest in me since the incident 2 weeks ago. It will be interesting to see what happens with this surprise visit from an old acquaintance that is going to try and hit on her, maybe he will get a fight with the drug provider and everyone will go to jail. I'll pray. Even without these 2 guys, the Internet, Facebook, bars, pubs etc provide breeding grounds for deflating/discards and cheating. Medically, with a prescription for Vyvanse or Adderall, it almost doesn't matter if illegal drug dealing went away, there would be a more legal replacement ready to be abused.

Worst of all... .is you are the bad guy if you want to stop her from doing any of her drugs. My girl lied to me so many times about smoking when I wasn't around, then became more open and honest about doing it in front of me, then hid it again, etc etc. It's almost a game to be played now. "Can I smoke it in front of him today or not?" is what she will be thinking. If she catches you disapproving, its invalidation and a quick road to deflate/discard. If you approve, its validation until she backstabs you a few hours from the mental calamity that ensues with all her anxiety and panic that will jump you straight to deflate/discard. Eitherway you lose. Underneath the drugs, she is a genuinely interested and loving girl, but unfortunately for you(or me in this case), she is essentially the same thing as drugs. Inseparable from them, and ranking them of a higher importance than you. Like a kid who loves his bicycle more than his parents - it may be more fun for him then being with his parents, but much more unhealthy and dangerous in the end. And drugs will leave her and you both with nothing in the end. Her recovery will become almost impossible, her behavior will go wild without guilt or shame or regard for you, and all emotional ties she has to anything that isn't superficial or immediate family will be weak, breaking strings, at best.

I have thought of and thought of how to break them out of her drug infused lifestyle, and I just can't figure it out. If I am caught calling the cops, if I am responsible, I am the bad guy in her eyes. If she goes to recovery and stops using, it will be right there when she gets out, free from many other male "friends" for her to use. She can't resist them all. In the meantime she is free to lie to me however she pleases, just like she did in the beginning of our relationship, and keep justifying her selfish and immoral behavior. There is no barren land to take her to, and she refuses to move out of her place anyway. Even if I could give her free rent somewhere away from everyone, she could still call over some of her dealers. It seems like the only solution is no phones, no Internet, no people, and no ability to wander anywhere she could use someone to abuse. I don't even have the land to house her and even if I did I don't think it would work. But I'd love to try. It's just so sad and hurtful to see, no matter how hard you try or want to make a change, if you aren't super controlling over drug use by your significant other, the only thing you will be left with is Sodom and Gomorrah.

What can anyone do?

If anyone is suffering from being in a relationship with a BPD using drugs, I am willing to help however I can - I love the idea of leaving anonymous tips to the authorities, and I don't mind being the fall guy that your girl hates if I don't know her :rolleyes:

[Akita]

I hope you go see a therapist.  You seem unstable.  Good luck.

[Sadly]

Would you like to stop calling women Harpies please. There are women on here are are having a seriously bad time with their BPD men. We can call them names at times but think on this. Not all men are t*ssers BPD or otherwise and I wouldn't go disrespecting their gender indiscriminately as you appear to be doing. Thank you.

[Hadlee]

Sheesh... .I would probably feel the need to turn to drugs after only spending five minutes in your presence

Hope you get the help you so obviously need

[bAlex]

If you did nothing wrong then don't apologise. Ever.

I agree that BP seem to have a lot of needs. Seems like they are in a constant need of stimulation. They create their own dramas and sabotage relationships to fill some type of void, and they're unable to understand how damaging it is to others. They seem to get bored easily. I'm thinking maybe they start to act out when they start to lose attraction, or when they feel the relationship is going too well and becoming too intimate. Either way, it might make them uncomfortable and trigger the disorder.

Ever hear about the concept of hypergamy? I believe it to be true to some extent, but I don't think all women lie, cheat or just walk away suddenly. In the book New Hope For People With Borderline Personality Disorder it is said that as many as 1 in 7 people struggle with aspects of the disorder and that the disorder is 2-3 times more prevalent in women. This might explain quite a lot... .

[Sadly]

I'm sorry! I appear to be missing something here. Enlighten me please. The fact that it is 2-3 times more prevalent in women is significant how exactly? I am struggling daily with the ongoing fallout of my relationship with a MAN who manifests every awful detail of BPD. Who has left me broken and shattered. BPD has no respect for gender. I don't like this at all. We don't come here as men and women, we are here as people who are suffering, healing, helping, supporting, a place for all regardless of sex. Yes I may be sensitive right now, I've just been told by text I am a hideous waste of space and should never have been born. But I tell you what, I have never been a harpie.  I have admitted my failings as I have discovered them, knowing that here I will not be judged by the many wonderful people on this site.Please stop this, it's upsetting and degrading.

[freemanstrut]

I agree completely with your assessment of BPD and meth use.  Meth is the absolute worst possible drug for someone with BPD.  Meth creates its own impulse control issues and is extremely addictive - a deadly combination for those who already suffer extreme impulse control issues.  I've seen it first hand too, man.  It is ___ing scary.

[freemanstrut]

Can I nip the bickering in this thread in the bud?

borderlinemeth, you've been hurt very badly.  I've been there.  It sucks and you didn't deserve it.  But you are dealing with others who have been hurt by borderlines, and your vitriol towards your ex has goaded you to think of all other women as like her.  Take a deep breath.  Let it out, and apologize.

Ladies, this is a man who has been hurt very badly.  Please do not take it personally.  Remember the sting of betrayal you have all felt and understand that borderlinemeth is feeling that way right now.  Some of you may have had choice words or thoughts of our gender too after your split. 

Let's focus on understanding and healing.

There's no need to label or bicker here.

[troisette]

I've read two comments about BPD being more prevalent in women in men:

The first is that it's an outdated concept.

The second is that more women are diagnosed than men because they are more likely to seek medical help.

Please don't refer to women as "harpies". A lot of us here are recovering from relationships with male BPDs who have damaged them.

I sympathise with your anger.

[Hadlee]

Ladies, this is a man who has been hurt very badly.  Please do not take it personally.  Remember the sting of betrayal you have all felt and understand that borderlinemeth is feeling that way right now.  Some of you may have had choice words or thoughts of our gender too after your split. 

Let's focus on understanding and healing.

Excuse me?

We have ALL been hurt badly by our SO's.  That is NO reason AT ALL to go on a rampage about women, and especially, to call women "harpies".  That IS JUST NOT COOL. 

And I will tell you one thing, freemanstrut, sexism is certainly not part of my repertoire.

I'm with sadly on this one... .it's degrading.

[Mutt]

Please take a few moments to read the guidelines below. Thanks.

2.1 Collegium, Not Debate: bpdfamily.com is set up as a collegium. We follow a Collegial Discussion format which is characterized as having "authority" vested equally among colleagues/peers. As such, members present their ideas in "collegial harmony" and the credibility of their positions are based solely on the quality of the points they advance in writing. Diversity is to be embraced - there is often much to be learned from others views and perspectives. Collegial Discussion is the exchange of ideas, not a debate or an argument to be won. Our common interests and goals are what brings us together - let it not be what comes between us. Please be mindful that one of the important roles we all have is to help “center” others, not pile on or inflame emotional unrest. Member should not "hijack" the threads of others by changing the subject. All posts should be targeted to the subject matter introduced by the host of the thread. Our individual thoughts and ideas are important to each of us. Members shall be patient and understanding of other members that are in different stages of the learning or healing process or have different opinions than their own.

Please note that collegial discussion is different than debate. Debate is an argument or a discussion generally ending with a vote or agreement on the best decision. In debate, unity is the objective. Members are discouraged from debating and arguing against others' positions, or questioning the wisdom of others, or restating of their position repeatedly.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/terms-service#collegium

2.6 Over generalizing: There are many similarities in the experiences of people involved in high conflict relationships. And, when we feel emotionally wounded, we often look for vindication and validation to sooth our pain. It's easy to buy too far into this "soothing" and lose sight of our role in the conflict and struggles -- and when we do, healing and growth come slowly.

Avoid excessive use of blanket statements like "they all lie?" or posing blanket questions like "why do they all cheat?" or "what were we thinking?". It's healthier to keep your explorations and comments in the first person by phrasing things as "why did my girlfriend lie?", "why did my boyfriend cheat?", And "what was I thinking?".

Personality disorders and traits have a broad spectrum of expression and every relationship dynamic is unique, just as each of us are unique.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/terms-service#overgeneralizing

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Borderlinemeth, 

I am glad that you have reached out to us at BPD central. We try our best to have listening ears and hearing hearts here, and there is a lot of helpful information available to you at our site as you go through this tough time. Sometimes it is hard for anyone to hear us when we are in pain because the rawness of the mess inside of us just spills out all over anyone who is near. Your situation sounds as if it has been one of these, and it is toxic to both you and the BPD in your life (as seen through your posts). Other members here are in difficult situations with the BPD in their lives, and you may well glean benefits from reading their posts. They too are hurting big time. Let me say, I'm sorry for this terrible hurt in your life. It is no fun at all.

It wouldn't hurt so much if you weren't caring for her like you do, would it? It is obvious to me that you don't want her to be hurt anymore either, and yet the struggle to let her go. How long have you known or been with your BPD? My mom was an uBPD, and I daily live with the effects of that upon my life. I have been faithfully married to my DH (who often triggers me due many similar behaviors as my mom) for over 31 years.

My T has said to me more than once that anger is a mask for another feeling. What other feelings are you able to sense that you may have going on inside of you right now? Without using the word anger, do you feel betrayed, rejected, or dismayed for example? If you have trouble figuring out your feelings, here is a link to one list that I use:

www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html

I would be interested in hearing some of the feelings you are experiencing now as you pull them from the list. Hang in there. It is a moment by moment, step by step process to get through the pain. 

Wools