Even though you upset me, I love you

[byfaith]

that is a text I get today... .how do I respond to that?

the first thoughts going through my mind were "a normal person would not be pissed at me for what you are pissed at me for"

"if I don't respond with something she will be further pissed" (I know so what let her be pissed) I was going to send a thumbs up emoji?

I just texted "me too"

I will try to explain why she is pissed, it has to do with one of my kids (D23)

[C.Stein]

Perhaps the best answer here is I love you too.  Acknowledge the positive, disregard the rest.   

[SamwizeGamgee]

+1 

I get subtle twists and passive aggressive meanings from my wife's communication often.  I just take the good part, deal with that, and everything else goes in the mental trash can.

Country wisdom: ":)on't wrestle with pigs. They like it, and you're going to get muddy."

[byfaith]

Ok... .my D23 was living with us. she was going through a divorce so we were helping her out letting her stay at the house. She paid 25 a week to stay there and we asked her to complete two simple chores per week.

My D would let these chores go an not do them, so at one point my wife texted he and asked her to please do ABC. I saw the texts and they were within reason and my D was being a bee-otch about it.  SO because my D already had underlying issues with my wife that whole thing got ugly. My D tried to pull me into it. I basically told my D that she was living here dirt cheap and she should just do what we asked. My D was showing passive aggressive behavior. BUT some of that was fueled by pre existing feelings ( I am realizing my D23 has some serious emotional issues)

ANYWAY... .my D comes home and is downstairs slamming doors, slamming the dryer door etc.  My wife calmly (shocker) asks my D to quit slamming doors and then my D goes into a screaming F bomb tirade on my wife and gets in her face with the whole jerking the head back and forth and hands waving etc. my wife puts her arms out to push her away and my daughter exits the house hollering and yelling... .so that was a month and a half ago.

MY wife felt she was wronged (I agree). My D did not want to make things right so she was not welcome back in the house.

enter wife's childish behavior. Unknown to me until 4 days ago my wife had gone into my D's room and bagged up some of her things to hold as a bargaining chip ( I guess). My D came to the house to sign a loan agreement 4 days ago with me and wife (she came with a cocky attitude). She signed the agreement and as she was walking out my wife said hey (name) to get her attention but my D ignored her and kept walking. So once my D was gone that is when my wife told me what she had done (keeping that stuff) All of my daughter other things I had packed up and placed in a storage unit for her to get. so yesterday my D left me a message saying she was missing some things and that she would like to get them.

Last night I asked my wife to give me my D's things so I could take them to her. My wife said no, let her call me. I said no (nice and calm) I want you to give them to me and will take them to her. My wife asked in a ticked off way " what difference does it make if she comes here or you take them to her?" I said I don't want her over here. You just want to get the last word in with my D because she didn't respond to you" I said I tired of all the bull and it will be easier for me to just take them to her.

I told my wife that I did not approve of her "holding" this things to begin with but there was nothing I could do about now. I said I want the stuff. I said do you not have anything else better to do with your life that to make things worse with my kid, you are adding fuel to the fire. I told her she she just wanted to have control. Well I was ignored the rest of the night. ( the ignored part doesn't bother me) it's just the constant up and down crap.  

I don't think I did anything wrong

[byfaith]

thanks for the advice

I like the pig saying... .I think I will put that on my board at work Thanks

[byfaith]

Ok learning needed here... .how do I validate anything going on with my wife in this situation.

I don't see anything here I can validate with this. As far as me taking the stuff to my daughter and disagreeing with my wife tactics

edumacate me please... .to validate or not validate

she texted "even though you pi$$ me off... ." pi$$ is a little stronger.

[SamwizeGamgee]

"Blessed are the peacemakers... ." came to mind when reading the story. 

Good luck!

[formflier]

Nothing to validate.

If she directly admits she is angry, then you can validate that, preferably with  something at the end out it being hard to be angry and take the high road.

I like the wrestling with pigs metaphor.

Perhaps a better metaphor is if you bought a playful goat, brought it home and it decided to turn into a pig that wanted to wrestle, give the pig the choice of turning back into a goat, let them know you are not running a pig farm.

FF

[byfaith]

Perhaps a better metaphor is if you bought a playful goat, brought it home and it decided to turn into a pig that wanted to wrestle... .give the pig the choice of turning back into a goat... .let them know you are not running a pig farm.

awesome... .will share that with my wife tonight when I go home... .NOT

[SamwizeGamgee]

Perhaps a better metaphor is if you bought a playful goat, brought it home and it decided to turn into a pig that wanted to wrestle... .give the pig the choice of turning back into a goat... .let them know you are not running a pig farm.

awesome... .will share that with my wife tonight when I go home... .NOT

I'm still working on the layers in that metaphor.  But, am I not the only one a little taken aback by the flip in personality after the wedding?

[byfaith]

But, am I not the only one a little taken aback by the flip in personality after the wedding?

The switch didn't flip right after the wedding. It's more like a dimmer switch that has been turning for almost 5 years

[SamwizeGamgee]

But, am I not the only one a little taken aback by the flip in personality after the wedding?

The switch didn't flip right after the wedding. It's more like a dimmer switch that has been turning for almost 5 years

Like poor quality house paint that after a few summers fades and you see the old color bleeding through.  It was always there, just covered up.

[sweet tooth]

Perhaps the best answer here is I love you too.  Acknowledge the positive, disregard the rest.   

C. Stein has good insights yet again. Hopefully that will be the end of it.