I only dwell on the bad times

[reincarnate93]

I feel like I don't even think about the good times we've had together anymore, It feels like I just dwell on the end of our relationship and how sudden and hurtful it was.

after nearly 8 months of NC I've managed to stop missing her and start seeing her for who she is, but I can't seem to stop dwelling on the hurtful words and actions on her part. Is there a reason why I do this?

I feel like I've let her go for the most part, I'm just confused as to why my mind constantly replays the bad times and hurtful words. some times it's triggered by a memory and some times it's just out of the blue.

Any advice?

[Leonis]

Have you considered counseling?

[reincarnate93]

I've considered it but I've never got around to doing it.

[Leonis]

You should definitely make your health a priority because it's starting to sound like you've done all you could on your own.

[Mutt]

Hi reincarnate93,



I'd like to echo Leaonis with making a goal with a finding a therapist, I found that a session of therapy gave me enough wind in my sails until the next session. Some members on the boards report that it dies wonders and I feel the sane way. It helps to talk a T co currently with a support group.

Grieving is normal when we've experienced loss and everyone grieves differently in their own way. The Kuebler Ross frame work identifies 5 stages, anger / resentment, bargaining, depression, denial, acceptance and there's no specific order with the different stages, we may also enter a stage more than once. Where do you find yourself on the grieving wheel?



PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[C.Stein]

I feel like I don't even think about the good times we've had together anymore, It feels like I just dwell on the end of our relationship and how sudden and hurtful it was.

after nearly 8 months of NC I've managed to stop missing her and start seeing her for who she is, but I can't seem to stop dwelling on the hurtful words and actions on her part. Is there a reason why I do this?

I feel like I've let her go for the most part, I'm just confused as to why my mind constantly replays the bad times and hurtful words. some times it's triggered by a memory and some times it's just out of the blue.

Any advice?

At 10 months out I also recall more bad than good right now and yes, I have replayed those hurtful things over and over again in my head for the entire 10 months, many times for no reason at all.  Initially I was numb, then my thoughts were dominated with the good, then it shifted to more good and with some bad, then mostly bad, now it is a mixture of the two again but more bad than good.  

I believe this is part of healing from something that we can't make sense of.  The two sides of our ex's are so different it causes the cognitive dissonance you are now experiencing.   Your brain needs to find a way to accept her "dark side" and to believe she is not only the "good side" you fell in love with.  I think for some of us who really struggle with accepting our ex's as a whole we will get stuck ruminating either the good or the bad exclusively for a while.  Our own thinking is split because we still can't accept our ex's as a whole and more importantly that we can't change what has passed.  We not only have to accept our ex's for both parts of their personality but we also have to accept the failed relationship.

I do feel closer to accepting it all and reaching that coveted indifferent state but it is damned hard to give up on someone/something you believed in so much.  You will get there eventually.  Keep working on understanding the reasons why she might have behaved the way she did, it does help.  

[Iona]

I don't think that here is anything wrong with you... .the words/actions were horrible and hurtful. I think that the shock of this - from someone you love - would naturally be dominant in your thinking. Maybe the bad memories are good for your self-preservation too- a reminder why the relationship ended and should not be reinstated. I have many good memories with my ex-husband and can sometimes be pulled into them, but many of those 'good' memories are marred by bad memories - I think this is positive as it keeps me 'strong' and reminds me that the marriage had to end... .

[Nuitari]

I feel like I don't even think about the good times we've had together anymore, It feels like I just dwell on the end of our relationship and how sudden and hurtful it was.

after nearly 8 months of NC I've managed to stop missing her and start seeing her for who she is, but I can't seem to stop dwelling on the hurtful words and actions on her part. Is there a reason why I do this?

I feel like I've let her go for the most part, I'm just confused as to why my mind constantly replays the bad times and hurtful words. some times it's triggered by a memory and some times it's just out of the blue.

Any advice?

I think Iona makes a good point. The bad memories can be a helpful way to detach. I went through a long period where the good memories were the most dominant, and I constantly had to remind myself of all the hurtful things she did and said. Even then, I found myself trying to make excuses for her. During this time I missed her a lot and I couldn't stop thinking of all the things I could have done differently to save our relationship. At some point, everything got turned upside down, and the bad memories began to eclipse the good ones. Now, the bad memories are all I can think about. In a weird way, the good ones have become more hurtful than the bad, and I can't dwell on them anymore. Now I am so consumed with anger that I often lose sleep over it at night. The anger is something I have to work on, but the plus side to this is that it is helping me to let go. I still have moments of weakness when I think about reaching out to her. But these are fleeting, and I've grown too strong now to give into them. Just seeing a photograph of her, or hearing her voice, triggers intense pain for me now. Having the bad memories always at the forefront of my thoughts helps me not to get sucked back in.