Caught cheating and anger

[arianm]

Hi all,

The last 6 years I (30 years old) have had a relationship with my recent (6 weeks ago) ex (40 years old woman), whom i just realised has 8 of the 9 DSM BPD symptoms. As a phd graduate in neuroscience, I feel ashamed that during our relationship I never realized that she had BPD. Considering the genetic component of BPD and the environmental triggers (abuse, abandonment etc), i am 99% certain she has BPD and runs through her family.

The problem is that she goes to the same psyhco-therapist for over 10 years... .and 2 weeks ago i asked her, if he ever has diagnosed or told her anything about BPD. And to my shock, she said never... .and she was angry at my for telling her that she most likely has BPD, in which she started blaming for everything etc.

But the problem is I have basically caught her in act of cheating with a 20 year old, and i found out that she has been with him for the 8 weeks prior my breaking up the relationship. The same day i was able to cool my self down, and have a face to face conversation, in which she told me that she still loved me and valued our relationship. Also that she didn't know what she was doing but that what she is doing with a 20 year old is wrong. Especially cause due to her age we were trying to get her pregnant... .

As expected my heart was really broken and i felt betrayed. I havent been able to sleep well in the last 6 weeks, I wake up middle of the night with reliving the event and feeling anger and staying a wake for a few hours... .

However when I found out that she had BPD, it gave me some kind of easyness and insight into our, way too many, fights. Despite knowing that she has BPD, i am still really angry for what she did to me, and specially the manner and the timing of it.

I feel really disgusted with her and cannot forgive her... .the problem is that my anger seems to grow and sometimes my brain jumps to reliving the moment, during work, sports or other events.

I know that this anger is not good, and i am trying to deal with it by performing some mindfulness, sadly nothing has been helping. And is occupying my mind and affecting my work and sleep.

Anybody has encountered this anger and knows what to do with it?

thanks in advance

[Iona]

I don't have an easy solution - but surely, breaking up with a partner after such a long period of time will evoke a natural and sustained anger. You have the right to feel angry - however long it lasts. The person you loved and trusted betrayed you - why should you not feel angry? It would be unnatural if you did not feel this way. The 'anger' emotion will shift in its own time and then other emotions will move on in. Just accept them all... .anger is probably the easiest to accept as it is the most empowering...

[C.Stein]

Hello arianm,  

I can understand how having your trust betrayed can blow your whole world apart.  Everything you once believed in is now called into question.  

Knowing your ex suffers from BPD doesn't really help with the pain and anger.  It does help to depersonalize the behavior to some extent, but the damage and pain is still there.  I have also felt much anger for what my ex did to me.  I don't like feeling angry either, it is like poison to my psyche.  Beyond that I still love my ex as I am sure you still love yours.  It is difficult to sit with this cognitive dissonance, making it so much harder to address the specific feelings we are experiencing.

I am not as angry as I once was, time being a big factor.  I also have worked towards forgiveness and I think that has helped also.   I think some of my anger comes from not being able to accept the two sides of my ex (eg. dark BPD side and good side I fell in love with).  It is so hard to believe and accept she could do the things she did, but she did and I have to accept that.  This fuels the anger, not only towards her but also towards myself.  

Do you find yourself experiencing the same difficulties?

[Mutt]

Hi arianm,



I would like to join Iona and C.Stein and welcome you.I  can see how distressing, exausting and painful that would feel when our partners are cheating. I can relate with that, it felt surreal, I trusted my exBPDw and felt betrayed when she broke what little trust I had left. You'll find many here that can relate with you. yuo'll find that you fit right in. I understand the anger and I'd like to echo Iona you have a long history with your ex partner ( 6  years ) and it's still fresh.

I'm sorry to hear that mindfulness is not helping and that it's interrupting your daily routines, it helps to talk.

Have you seen an MD about sleep? I would feel exhausted with not sleeping well for a month and a half and have a hard time functioning. I'd also like to echo C.Stein, there is hope. Hang in there.



Mutt

[Moselle]

Arianm, welcome to the family

I think most people here can relate to your difficult situation. It sounds like you are on the right track and I'm sure things will get better for you with time

Why do you think this anger is not good? What message do you think the anger is giving you? In my experience our emotions are always felt for a reason.  Sometimes that reason makes sense. Sometimes it doesn't because the feeling is linked to a logic we learned in childhood to survive. A bit of perspective can help us understand which it is.

[arianm]

Hi all,

thank you for the replies and kind words. I do realise anger is an natural emotion, sadly i would have expected that my anger would diminish over time and make place for forgiveness, sadly i am experiencing the opposite. My anger levels are rising and envisioning weird stuff, like being physical with the boy she cheated with. I ofcourse realise this is bull___ and most likely will never do this kind of stuff but this kind of weird stuff. And alot of my anger comes from her selfishness, she basically blamed me even for the event, and i experience that i am having alot of discussions with her in my head, trying to show her the logic... .however it never leads to anything, except me losing focus and time one weird thoughts.

I am going to sports and therapists to be able to release some anger, sadly it just comes back just as strong.

thank you all

cheers

[Mutt]

Hi arianm,

I can relate with anger, I don't know if I would say that they're weird thoughts. I wanted to rip the other man apart the first time that I saw him with my kids. Mom wasn't giving me the right to first refusal. That means that she's supposed to ask dad first if she needs someone to watch the kids. She had an affair, quickly attached to him, moved out and she ignored me. I felt a lot of anger, betrayed and invalidated. She had introduced him three weeks after we seperated and it was a couple of months after that when I ran into him with the kids.  That said.

It helps to validate that anger and maybe that's why you have these thoughts and feelings. I validated my anger here on these forums, my mom and in therapy.

It's good to hear that you're taking care of yourself and that you're seeking help. I like lifting weights, its an outlet for stress, helps the mood and you feel great after a workout.

[rfriesen]

Hi arianm,

I can relate to the anger and a lot of weird thoughts. I was in a very dark and weird place in the first weeks after the final break-up with my ex, when I realized that she had been looking for a replacement for months already (not sure I can call this cheating exactly, as we were in a kind of strange limbo and maybe in some "official" sense on a break, but my ex surely knew that I was trying to make sense of things and still assumed we were working things out, one way or another ... .though she repeatedly played the "we were on a break" card once I found out). I had a lot of thoughts that make me feel shame and guilt to say out loud now -- e.g. I imagined my ex being humiliated, being caught with multiple guys, being exposed, I imagined her feeling unbearable guilt and regret ... .honestly, it's hard for me to admit this even here. But the truth is I wanted her to suffer. Even as I was having those thoughts, I felt terrible about them. I still love my ex and care for her and deep down I want her to be happy. But when I saw what she was capable of, and how much she wanted to hurt me at times, I was full of conflicting thoughts, desires, emotions. Lots and lots of anger, for sure. Terrible thoughts that I felt terrible about. Though it did help to realize that it's human to have terrible thoughts sometimes, and to let myself have them, knowing that it's not really who I am, not really what I want, and that in time (maybe a lot of time), they will pass.

I'm about three months out from the final break-up and I still struggle a lot. But I've come a long way in three months. Time is the biggest factor in moving on, I really believe that. Even if some days it feels like you're making no progress, all you can do is take whatever steps you can to stick with the values and vision that you think will make you happy in the long run. Many days I felt like I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth, or just flat-out backsliding, and anger, hurt, bitterness would take over. But I knew that that's not the person I want to be. I knew that in the long run I want to remember my ex and the good times fondly, even if there's always an element of anger and confusion.

I have a long way to go. But when I look back on where I was three months ago, I can say I definitely have a more balanced view of things. I'm still hurt by a lot, still get angry, still sometimes have those conversations with my ex in my own head, trying to make her "see the truth" or whatever, make her take accountability for the way she acted. But I feel much more confident and like myself when I say that I do want her to be happy, that the anger and bitterness I sometimes feel are things I accept and have to work through, but they don't define my feelings towards my ex. I don't identify with them so strongly anymore. And for the first time in my life (sad to say that it's taken me until my late 30s), I realize I need to put in some real work on myself too, and that it isn't easy. Changing old patterns of thinking and acting ... .man, that's a lot harder than I imagined.

And to one of your points - it's one thing to study psychology and to learn to observe others ... it's a whole other thing to live through a situation that shakes your whole world to its foundations, to go through it from the inside. Understanding and theory alone can't take you through this. I think it's great you're doing the mindfulness stuff -- meditation and long walks and accepting whatever feelings came to me ... .all that really helped me. And I'm trying really hard to see this as an opportunity. For the first time I can remember, I don't trust my instincts, I feel really unsure who I am and where I'm going in life, and what I really want to achieve long-term. It can be pretty uncomfortable and I can feel myself drawn to old habits and distractions (e.g. withdrawing and seeking solitude, or conversely, flirting and hunting for casual relationships) that I can now recognize as just quick fixes with no real prospects of long-term satisfaction. But it's an opportunity to rebuild in healthier ways, and I'd like to make the most of it.

Basically, I just want to say I can relate to the anger and weird, disorienting thoughts, and that time will make a world of difference, even if it's extremely hard to see that today.

[Nuitari]

arianm,

I'm going through something very similar. I went NC with my ex about 9 months ago. I thought it would help me. In some ways it has, but not with the anger. Like you, the anger only seems to get stronger with time, sometimes to the point where it keeps me awake at night. I think a big reason for this is because it takes us a while to process something traumatic. My ex can be very convincing when she wants to be. Even if you know deep down that what she's saying doesn't make sense, she can make you believe it. After going NC, my vision slowly began to clear. I can now look back and see with perfect clarity how much I was being lied to and manipulated. I'm still processing it. I'm waking up to reality little by little, and with each new realization my anger grows. Doing things I like helps a lot. I like the outdoors, and going hiking helps me temporarily find peace. My angry thoughts are so intrusive that it takes a lot of effort to free my brain to do other tasks. When reading a book, for example, I can read maybe five pages at a time. Anything more, my attention span has been shot. One night I went to see a movie. It thought it would help take my mind off of things. I can't even tell you what the movie was about. I was physically there in the theater looking at the giant screen in front of me, but I didn't see any of the movie. I've been considering therapy a lot lately. I found that writing letters provides a temporary relief. I also keep having imaginary conversations with her in my head. I've been typing out everything I want to say to her in a letter. I'm on the fence about sending it though. Half of me wants to maintain NC. The other half thinks that telling her how much she's broken me and just getting all of this bad stuff off my chest might be what I need to do to release my anger. I spent a lot of time going back and forth about that. I would like to remain NC, but writing that letter has only intensified my need to make its contents known to her.

I don't know if any of this helped you, but hang in there. I don't think the anger and thoughts your experiencing are weird or unnatural. Like myself, I suspect that you're still processing everything, and that takes time.  

[arianm]

as always, thank you all for your kind word and sharing your experiences. I guess, it's a typical human thing to do, internalise all your emotions and personalise it. This kind results in not realising the bigger picture, and you all help me to realise that lots of people experience the same, and this helps me to see the bigger picture.

An old story from persian/indian story books helps me to calm down a bit (sometimes). In this case partners without BPD are the frogs... and BPD partners are the scorpions, whom sadly due to genetic and environmental triggers have altered brain acitivties, and this causes sadly destruction of both.

   The Scorpion and the Frog

  A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the

scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The

frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion

says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,

the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of

paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,

but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

      Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature... ."

[Moselle]

Indeed,

The pwBPD is not something else. We didn't cause it, cant control it or fix it.

Accept it and stay, or leave. But don't accept it and hope for something else.

[C.Stein]

I do realise anger is an natural emotion, sadly i would have expected that my anger would diminish over time and make place for forgiveness, sadly i am experiencing the opposite. My anger levels are rising and envisioning weird stuff, like being physical with the boy she cheated with.

I totally relate.  Once the anger started to really kick in it was quite intense.  The things that trigger my anger the most, even now, are related to being replaced before discarded thrown away, the lies and deception and the things she said/did and the way she has behaved at the end.  

The anger sat with me almost continuously for about 5 months, at times screaming type anger.  If I had a nickle for every time the words I hate you have passed my lips ... . Thing is, even though I utter those words there are no feelings of hate behind them.  Anger ... .hell yes and for good reason.  Thankfully the anger, while I still feel it daily, is no longer consuming me.  I try not to think of the things that trigger the anger for now and that does help.  Thankfully I am able to force my thoughts away from the replacement most of the time ... .just wish I could force my thoughts away from her entirely.

[VitaminC]

   The Scorpion and the Frog

  A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the

scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The

frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion

says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,

the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of

paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,

but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

      Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature... ."

This. Yes.

[labowski]

Yes, Yes, and Yes. I am sorry this has happened to you.

It has been only approx. three weeks since the final break up (because of the betrayal I now look back on 3 months assuming there were other men).

The thing is, she doesn't know I know anything. I was quietly informed by her friends whom are sick of her behavior. Am I angry? Furious. I also cannot sleep sometimes, I think about revenge and exposing her a fraud. During the initial discard I was also told to not speak to her friends or family about how much I love her and want it to work out. "This is between you and me". of course, all the better for her to weave her web and "win" the PR war as she plots her exit and splits me black.

What gives me the awful revenge thoughts is that she thinks she got away with it.



I want her to know i know, i want her to know i know everything. I want her to know she isn't clever, that people see through her mask, that she's cripplingly insecure, that she's phony, that her family is very culpable in her continual discarding of men, I'd like to confront her with psychology essays about her condition (I don't think she knows she has BPD at all), and on and on ad infanitum... .

HOWEVER, its only been three weeks since true break and believe it or not, my better angels are in control. Knowing she is so messed up does make it a bit easier. sleep is still hard. being the bigger person is still hard. flushing nearly two years of my life on a mirage is heart breaking. couple this with any extrinsic factors in your life, career, or family and it can really be debilitating at times. But, I am personally proud of myself. I have just walked away. I never see myself contacting her again and even if she contacts me ever, because of my rage and how much i want to, "get back at her" I know this is just silliness; it will accomplish nothing. There is no making them take accountability. There is no remorse for what she has done to me and will continue to do to man after man after man.

I know i was better than her. the entire time. please try to remember the same about yourself and your ex. it may seem petty but

a. its true

and

b. aim to get back to that person or become even better!

thank you for sharing and thank you community.

so much love 

[Ahoy]

Yes, Yes, and Yes. I am sorry this has happened to you.

It has been only approx. three weeks since the final break up (because of the betrayal I now look back on 3 months assuming there were other men).

The thing is, she doesn't know I know anything. I was quietly informed by her friends whom are sick of her behavior. Am I angry? Furious. I also cannot sleep sometimes, I think about revenge and exposing her a fraud. During the initial discard I was also told to not speak to her friends or family about how much I love her and want it to work out. "This is between you and me". of course, all the better for her to weave her web and "win" the PR war as she plots her exit and splits me black.

What gives me the awful revenge thoughts is that she thinks she got away with it.



I want her to know i know, i want her to know i know everything. I want her to know she isn't clever, that people see through her mask, that she's cripplingly insecure, that she's phony, that her family is very culpable in her continual discarding of men, I'd like to confront her with psychology essays about her condition (I don't think she knows she has BPD at all), and on and on ad infanitum... .

HOWEVER, its only been three weeks since true break and believe it or not, my better angels are in control. Knowing she is so messed up does make it a bit easier. sleep is still hard. being the bigger person is still hard. flushing nearly two years of my life on a mirage is heart breaking. couple this with any extrinsic factors in your life, career, or family and it can really be debilitating at times. But, I am personally proud of myself. I have just walked away. I never see myself contacting her again and even if she contacts me ever, because of my rage and how much i want to, "get back at her" I know this is just silliness; it will accomplish nothing. There is no making them take accountability. There is no remorse for what she has done to me and will continue to do to man after man after man.

I know i was better than her. the entire time. please try to remember the same about yourself and your ex. it may seem petty but

a. its true

and

b. aim to get back to that person or become even better!

thank you for sharing and thank you community.

so much love 

I'm not advocating breaking your NC but I made a post two weeks ago when I found out my wife's second affair was not just a one night thing, but rather a whole separate relationship on the side, complete with him planning on moving interstate with her.

So I broke my NC, emailed her a concise email detailing what I knew and that she should be completely ashamed of herself. Of course it accomplishes nothing, she did not acknowledge it BUT what it did was finally let me vent some of my anger. Anger is useful in the detaching process, but holding on to it is also extremely toxic.

Now rather than bothering my ex, what I probably should have done is looked at alternative ways to let this vent. My therapist suggested breaking things or buying a punching bag. My little break of NC ended up working great, I think I've made leaps and bounds with my recovery this past week.

There is a book called 'the happiness trap' by Russ Harris and one of the first things it teaches is that thoughts can not be controlled, however we CAN control how we react to those thoughts. I'm the same as you, mindfulness works in small amounts for me but remembering this fact and catching myself out overthinking these thoughts has helped in deflecting/ignoring the particularly nasty ones (usually about her infidelity)

[labowski]

Ahoy,

Thank you for your feedback and experience. I do agree that outlets are the point. Healthy creative ones. The original post by arianm seemed to mention he was frustrated with his outlets, they weren't proving very helpful, and anger was building. I am certainly not sure of what is right for me. All I know is my gut tells me, to live and let her "live". I am angry and very hurt but, as you even stated, perhaps your concise email was for not.

You mentioned it was a release of toxic energy. Did it work? Was it cathartic?

I don't believe it would do me any good to reach out to her ever. I wouldn't know where to begin expressing myself and all the things I have discovered and figured out about her. This is part of my recovery. What to do with this new knowledge and insight. Right now I am just using it for my own relative peace of mind and trying to move towards growth and freedom.

*also your book reference sounds good, thank you.

[Fr4nz]

HOWEVER, its only been three weeks since true break and believe it or not, my better angels are in control. Knowing she is so messed up does make it a bit easier. sleep is still hard. being the bigger person is still hard. flushing nearly two years of my life on a mirage is heart breaking. couple this with any extrinsic factors in your life, career, or family and it can really be debilitating at times. But, I am personally proud of myself. I have just walked away. I never see myself contacting her again and even if she contacts me ever, because of my rage and how much i want to, "get back at her" I know this is just silliness; it will accomplish nothing. There is no making them take accountability. There is no remorse for what she has done to me and will continue to do to man after man after man.

Yes... .chances are, even if you go there and explain them the BPD at an academic level, they're going to think you're crazy or, even worse, to play the victim. There's no frigging way: if they don't realize -- by themselves -- that there's something wrong in them, they'll never accept the idea of having some kind of disorder AND implement some common-sensical solution accordingly.

The only thing we can do is to let them go and focus on our healing.

[Concerns]

Hi, Arianm. As a phd grad in neuroscience, you might try an experiment. Time, unfortunately, heals all wounds. I would try to actively "re-wire". We have the ability to re-wire our neural pathways. In dealing with anger, we can work to actively change the wiring through various methods. MMA? Boxing? Something that can bridge your anger and give it a release. Will it absolve you? No. But it can help to interrupt the pathways. Drugs, as you know, can also be a benefit. Xanax has helped me immensely with the night time panic attacks. One thing I will preach and I say preach because I'm not my own perfect example. Trying to explain to her or get some type of rational tete-a-tete with her is futile. Don't even attempt it. The quickest resolution, although it will seem like torture, to any issue here and your anger is to stop actively giving any attention to this. You will be unable to reason with crazy. It won't work. And it only hurts you further. 

[jhkbuzz]

Being betrayed by someone you love is a deeply, deeply traumatizing event. It doesn't go away in a month. It caused me to question the very ground I stand on - everything was pulled out from under me. Coming to accept that the "life" I thought I had with my s/o was actually non-existent was a long, slow, painful journey. The most painful and traumatizing event of my adulthood, by far.

Talk it out with those you love, find a therapist, identify the things that will give you any measure of pleasure and do them. Time will heal - but that's what's needed. Time.

[Dhand77]

Being betrayed by someone you love is a deeply, deeply traumatizing event. It doesn't go away in a month. It caused me to question the very ground I stand on - everything was pulled out from under me. Coming to accept that the "life" I thought I had with my s/o was actually non-existent was a long, slow, painful journey. The most painful and traumatizing event of my adulthood, by far.

Talk it out with those you love, find a therapist, identify the things that will give you any measure of pleasure and do them. Time will heal - but that's what's needed. Time.

Seriously. I lost my best friend in a motorcycle accident 3 years ago, two months later, my grandfather passed. I initially thought that was the toughest thing I ever dealt with as an adult. But a break up/betrayal by a BPD? Good lord, I still can't believe it's been 5 months and I still have a hard time getting over it.

I found out about the cheating shortly after the discard, and I called her out on it. Of course, I was deemed crazy, but in retrospect I'm glad I did it. It was the moment that fully painted me black, and prevented the recycle she was slowly preparing incase the new guy didn't work out. Which didn't ironically LOL. So, I'm sure she blames me because she's alone now. Even though it was her own insecurities and infidelity that destroyed our relationship.