My son's mother was crying when I dropped him off this morning

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

My exgf is having a multitude of ailments again, swollen lymph nodes, stomach ache, and this morning she came to the door crying. I got a few texts before dropping my son off but nothing clearly asking me to keep him today. My exgf seems to not be able to make her concerns clear to me, it's a guessing game.

I know better than to volunteer to help her as I used to do in the past, just seems she makes excuses to not want my son to return to her and that's ok, he's fine with me.

I hope one day she stops the games and lying so people can trust her and help her. She is sick but she may not understand her need and know what help she needs. My son loves her, he needs her and last night she text saying she wants to give up.

Trying to hook me in again for attention and sympathy just like before. Then take take take... .

Not going to happen again, she needs to stand on her own feet and suffer the consiqenses of her choices. Detaching and I'm not enabling her any longer.

[Sunfl0wer]

What exactly is going on?

Things seem to be in a constant state of flux all over the place.

You called police on her to take son back?  How exactly did this go? Why? Did they force son on her?  Did police help things?

Then you were in hospital, why? Who was needing care?  Are you ok? Are u able to care for son?  Are you well?

I really hope for us to be supportive. 

It is really really hard, even though you share so much, to know exactly what your situation actually is!

While I am trying to process one event, things seem to switch to a new event.  Can you help us understand why police called, result, hospital reason, result, and PARENTING PLAN status?

[Mutt]

Trying to hook me in again for attention and sympathy just like before. Then take take take... .

Not going to happen again, she needs to stand on her own feet and suffer the consiqenses of her choices. Detaching and I'm not enabling her any longer.

Way to go 

[JerryRG]

Everything on my end is good, I asked the police to help enforce my need to take my son home when mom wouldn't do what she agreed to do. I wanted her to know there are consequences for saying one thing and doing another. She's played this game for a long time.

She is saying she's sick and needs to be seen by doctors, said she would see a doctor today. Now she is seeing one tomorrow? She's in a constant state of flux. I never know what if any of her statements are factual or she's just looking for excuses to not have to care for our son.

As you know I'm not keen on her manipulation so I posted all this here to get opinions. I guess she's still sick or was sick and has it back? I'm lost as usual. I just pay attention to my son and his welfare and let what she does and says go.

Sometimes I don't know how to deal with her behaviours, I believe she's histrionic as well? BPD, Histrionic, Narcissistic?

[Sunfl0wer]

This sounds all very drama making and up in the air.  This is not good for anyone!

Where is the legal situation?  Do you have a plan for a parenting plan? 

[JerryRG]

I have patenting rights and right now mom is in crisis mode again and that's ok for me. I'm strong enough to take care of my son and his mother will just have to do what she needs to get her health back. Maybe find another bf to do all the work? That's her normal solution as she had me doing 98% of child care the past 18 months.

I'm not going to let it bother me tonight

[Turkish]

Is the alternative of she not caring for him mean that you get more time with him? If so, is that bad?

[JerryRG]

No it isn't a bad thing for my son or myself, I know she loves our Don she's just not healthy enough to care of him. Or there's a deeper factor to her actions. Maybe she don't want to lose child support or if she gives me full custody the court could order her to pay cs to me. Or as others have suggested she's trying to keep me in her life through my son.

I'm never going to know her intentions, I can only speculate, the only important point is my son be cared for the best of my ability.

[Turkish]

If she willingly gives up time, then you will have a trail of documentation. Despite her behaviors towards you, there's nothing wrong with being patient and kind (with strong boundaries). However, your son's safety is paramount, and everything should revolve around that fact...

[JerryRG]

Agreed Turkish, I must do what's best for my son. I remember last fall when his mother was having medical issues, I asked her questions to learn more and she seemed to hide all the real evidence. So let her go and focus on my son's welfare. Frees up a lot of resources not enabling her... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I have patenting rights <sub>and right now mom is in crisis mode again and that's ok for me. I'm strong enough to take care of my son and his mother will just have to do what she needs to get her health back. Maybe find another bf to do all the work? That's her normal solution as she had me doing 98% of child care the past 18 months.

I'm not going to let it bother me tonight</sub>

What exactly is the time sharing agreement?

What are the pick up/drop of days/times for this child?

I still do not hear mention of an actual parenting plan for time sharing.

Excuse my bluntness:

Is there an interest for deescalation of drama via clearly defined custody exchanges?

While I realize you are in pain, and struggling, I am not hearing anything clear.  It all seems to be in a state of constant flux and chaos, and I am not sure what the interest is here for minimizing drama in some way, in order to be in any position except one that supports constant chaos.

[JerryRG]

Hello Sunfl0wer

My parenting times are very flexible and we had agreed on set days and times until mom got sick. We will get back into a routine eventually but for now I will take my son as much as I can. She's not stable emotionally right now so this is ok.

[Lilyroze]

Hello Sunfl0wer

My parenting times are very flexible and we had agreed on set days and times until mom got sick. We will get back into a routine eventually but for now I will take my son as much as I can. She's not stable emotionally right now so this is ok.

My soon to be ex is the UBPD, it has caused me all kinds of stress. I have had swollen glands, many illnesses but still handled all here, and my kids. Mainly because he wouldn't. I mean no disrespect, but if she is ill and can't then you need to for your son. She doesn't owe you any explanations of her health, her appointments it is none of your business now, but to help her in the parenting of your son. If she is sick, take her at her word, no drama, help her. Yes they can manipulate but only so much, your son is of importance. To be to have to call Police to take your son, when she is sick shows your motives as well. Sorry, from outside that is how it looks. Be there for your son, your ex as a partner in the partner plan of your son.

No you don't need to do it all for her, if you aren't taking her to the Dr. then time and place, results should be none of your concern. If you care, then ask from the stance of we were something and I care. Not to catch in lie, if one is not there. If one is no matter how much you try to catch, or teach them a lie is a lie, they don't care nor see it that way and will only hurt your son.

To me if you love him, why care if she is giving you more and more time. Better for your son if you really feel she has issues, is too sick to care for him, or not want him at moment. I would never want my kids where they were not cared for or wanted at moment, to teach someone. I have to live with my actions everyday and want to only be better then I was yesterday. Be there for your son, simple. Sorry if harsh, don't mean it that way but like the son cat in the cradle, they are only young for son long. Don't let these things mess him up for relationships, love or how to deal with things in future. One of you has to be the better one, and no drama. If she likes drama then be zen and like calm if for nothing to be the example to your son. Please think then do.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hello Sunfl0wer

My parenting times are very flexible and we had agreed on set days and times until mom got sick. We will get back into a routine eventually but for now I will take my son as much as I can. She's not stable emotionally right now so this is ok.

I am bringing this up because there seems to be ongoing chaos with your both wanting to see your son and also needing to return him, police have been involved, sometimes you are depending on her to agree to things, and have been told by medical personnel that his mom is likely being beat up by her partner, and you are concerned for the welfare of your son, -rightfully so!

Sometimes your ex is even threatening to give the child away!

Having a "plan" in place that relies on the cooperation of a disordered partner is a plan of ongoing chaos and drama.  I cannot imagine this situation is healthy or beneficial to anyone involved, certainly not you, certainly not this child.

By "flexible" are you saying that there is no legally enforceable timesharing schedule between you two?

If there is not, do you plan to pursue establishing a legally enforceable. Time sharing and parenting plan?